Home from Afghanistan, Stress Levels Are Out of Control.

Updated on June 23, 2013
C.H. asks from New York, NY
13 answers

Since my husband has returned from Afghanistan roughly 2 months ago his stress levels are shocking. We have our toddler twins who are into everything and he just can't seem to control his anger with them and also me. He is constantly shouting at us all and barking orders. Yesterday he got angry because I hesitated while reading the menu in KFC. It's little things like that which seems to really make him explode with sarcasm and pure anger.
We are in the middle of moving house which I know is a stressful time for anyone but how do I approach him on this subject? I do think in his quiet moments he knows he isnt the same person but this can't go on or I will have to remove the girls and myself from the situation.
I know this is part and parcel of being with a military man and would just like some advice on how to prevent this getting out of control or escalating to violence(which he has never done) He is a great man otherwise.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Firstly, thank you all for your advice and kind words. We stayed with some of my husbands family shortly after I wrote this question and his aunt also noticed the change in his moods and was able to talk frankly with him. She later told me he admitted to her he needed to talk to someone and steps have indeed now been taken.
We are more settled in our new home now and he is also back at work so things have calmed down quite a bit. We both recognise there is work to be done though and that this will take time.
I have also spoken to a couple of close military wife friends and it would appear we are all going through the same thing. Knowing this has helped too. I don't like to talk to too many other wives as my husband is quite high up the ranks and gossip would spread like wildfire which is why all your advice has been invaluable. So thanks again x

Featured Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Good responses below, so I will just add, re "how do I approach him":

You need to be very brief, calm and firm, and not afraid of his response. Come up with something like three sentences to say to him. Something like: "You seem to be experiencing PTSD. You are not the same person who went to Afghanistan. This can't go on or I will have to remove the girls and myself from the situation."

Don't be afraid of him, take care of it now. When you say this to him, if he becomes angry, you need to take the kids and leave, and stay with family or friends, and tell him you will come back when he has solved his problem. Be very firm and strong.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

C.:

First and foremost - thank your husband for his service and sacrifices to our country.

Second - is he officer or enlisted - what branch of service? I ask because for the longest time there was a "stigma" about getting help after returning from war.....the things they saw...the things they did....now that stigma is lighter...but some MEN feel it..."they don't need help", "I got this".

Now what do you NEED to do? You need to talk WITH him and tell him what you are seeing. Then you need to ask him to go to his base and check in with the transition team - most units have a transition team to help soldiers acclimate back to "home" life. Giving them tools to help them cope with their tour (or tours).

If he is still active duty and enlisted - you can get in contact with his First Sergeant (USAF - First Shirt) and talk to him/her about the problems and ask for help. Stay FACTUAL. DO NOT state he has gotten violent if he has not. State the facts - after coming home from Afghanistan - he has a short temper and yells A LOT. I realize that he has seen things I will never see. I need to know how to help him. Is there something we can do?

If he is an officer - you need to go to the XO (Executive Officer) NOT his Commander and talk with him/her. Again - just as if he was enlisted, stay factual. If your husband has NOT hit anyone or anything - DO NOT say that he has.

You can also go to the base chaplain. He can help you get your husband the help he needs as well.

Good luck!

There should be a support group you can go to as well for help. Check on base and find out. It's okay to ask questions and seek help.

11 moms found this helpful

L.C.

answers from Washington DC on

He needs to see someone. ASAP.
Talk to him when he is calm. Express your concern.
Don't threaten. The military has counselors - you should contact them as well. You didn't go to Afghanistan, but you don't want to live it here...
Hugs

8 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.S.

answers from Detroit on

I feel for your family. I can envision toddler twins into everything. That in of itself is enough to put a home into chaos. Throw a move an a returning soldier into the mix, and I can only imagine.

Are there groups that wives of soldiers join on the base? I suspect this is a common topic for the group. What do these groups suggest? Who could the group invite to talk about the issue? Perhaps a psychologist. I know a psychologist who was headhunted by the army to help with their soldiers. Focus on that sort of outreach program.

I would suspect that any soldier experiences various levels of post traumatic stress disorder. People who haven't been sent to a war zone do. I suspect he needs to work out these traumas in a safe way. I hope he is willing to seek this type of help. If he isn't, you can seek it for yourself in order to understand better what he is going through. This is not a situation I would try to resolve myself without seeking guidance from a professional.

5 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.L.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Wow. I've seen this before, in my own life. I'm married to a veteran with PTSD. I think you are, too, although you haven't put a name to it yet. Investigate on line and pull up a list of symptoms, or grab some literature from family services on base and take a look. I'll bet that what you read will look mighty familiar.

In one of those quiet moments, you need to sit down and tell your husband what you see. Be factual about his behavior and honest about how it is making you feel and the impact it is having on his children (and it IS having an impact - even at this age, they are learning about how men and women should relate to one another by watching you two). Accept that when you tell him, he probably isn't going to smile at you and say, "Thanks, honey." You need to tell him anyway. Encourage him to go get help NOW. There are resources on base, although I can't tell you about those specifically, since my hubby's PTSD hit critical post-retirement, and he gets the services he needs through the VA. Other posters have given you specifics about where to go. And while the stigma is not as great as it once was, yes, getting help might affect his career. Not getting help could destroy his family. Which is more important?

Help includes counseling, possibly medication, and support groups. If you are part of a faith community, look for help and support there, too. My husband is part of a group that works with horses - equine therapy - and for all that he claims he doesn't see how it helps, it HAS helped. Horses are very sensitive, and if he's not managing himself well, they won't let him approach them. It's hard for him to hear from me that he's having a low-control day. But when a horse tells him, he accepts it and works on it.

One thing to be aware of - a person who is currently in a state of reaction to stress (anger, irritability, out-of-proportion behavior) has a very hard time seeing that it is his problem. Inside your husband's head when he is behaving irrationally, he believes that he is fine, and the rest of the world (including you) is the problem. Talk to him when he is not being reactive about how you can safely let him know when he's losing control. We use a code word. If he is in the middle of being reactive and it is beginning to feel dangerous, leave. I don't mean forever - I mean for that moment. "I'm going to take the girls to the park so you can decompress, honey." Or encourage him to do so. "It looks like you need to blow off some steam. Why don't you go for a run?"

Finding ways to de-stress is important. My husband de-stresses by baking. This is a wonderful/awful thing, because he makes fabulous sweets. :-) He's in school right now, and I think I gained 5 pounds during his last week of finals.

If you're currently changing commands, that will make getting consistent help a little harder, but please don't wait. Encourage your husband to ask for help, and if he won't, then you need to anyway. Find someone - a spouse support group, a chaplain, someone in the family support center - and arm yourself with what you need to know to keep you and your girls safe and sane while he grapples with his condition. And you should know - studies now support something I've known for several years - the spouses of military members who have PTSD also begin to exhibit symptoms if it's left untreated, because the stress of living with someone who is angry all the time and feels dangerous to us is that great. Pay attention to your own stress reactions, especially as the mother of toddlers. If your reactions are growing out of proportion to their shennanigans, or if you find yourself in tears because somebody moved the milk, get some help for you, too.

Courage, my dear - you CAN fight this. PM me here if you'd like to talk some more.

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.P.

answers from San Diego on

I can relate to you even though my husband is not a veteran. He has been very depressed for about a year and his aggressive attitude towards me has definitely ramped up. Last week I wrote him a letter stating my boundaries and encouraging him to seek counseling. I am trying not to pressure him. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and have two great kids together. We have so much going for us but considerable damage has resulted from our last two or so arguments. I am realizing that it may get to a point for us that I ask him to move out temporarily so he can learn to get his head on without me constantly holding his hand while at the same time he is mistreating me. I have been trying to get my old husband "back" but I know he needs to start doing some recovery work. I still have high hopes for us and I will try every resource I can. But my husband has successfully avoided therapy the last three depressive episodes and I have noticed each time, it's worse. I am praying for a healing breakthrough somehow. I have no words of wisdom. But you are not alone. Feel free to pm me if you need an anonymous friend. I know I can't have too many friends myself right now.....

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.T.

answers from Denver on

I am a military mother who has gone through many of these issues and still do. As Wild Woman mentioned there is a stigma, but also support resources including a new counselor through the Family Support Center. Often, military mental health care is Ina rush to get you out of treatment, so I recommend pushing for an off base referral to have support through no military counselors. Do not be afraid to ask for meds to help get by, it doesn't have to be permanent. Your husband is probably as angry and frustrated with himself as he seems to be with you and the kids. It takes time to adjust sometimes longer than you expect or realize.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.B.

answers from Sacramento on

It sounds like PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and he needs to get help sooner rather than later. Sadly, so many of our returning soldiers are suffering from it and not getting the help they need.

Google "PTSD symptoms" and see what you think. Also, look for a military spouses support group. You are not alone in this.

God bless your husband for his service to our country.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

There should be resources for families with returning soldiers. It's likely that he's got a bit of PTSD going on, too. My friend had a tough time for the first months returning to civilian life. He spent too much time in the sand box on high alert and had to remember he was "safe".

I would say, "I've noticed..." and "I love you" and "we need help navigating this so we can be a family...."

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.R.

answers from New York on

When he is in "his quiet moments" talk to him about PTSD. This is what this sounds like to me from the little you have given. You can also talk to the ombudsman too and get better advice on what to do about it.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

H.L.

answers from New York on

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Your husband sounds like he needs counseling which should be required after a soldier returns from Afghanistan. Your husband has been through more than he can say and its not a time to walk away from him now when he needs you. But he does need the help to get him to be a better and a happier person around his family. Even when all else fails add a little faith and prayer to the mix and stir and it may put things in perspective for your husband. Because his perspective is the major problem maybe hes feeling guilt because other men didn't come back to their families, maybe he feels bad because he may have harmed or killed another human being out of duty. Just because people tell you its ok doesn't mean your conscience feels that way and him talking to a member of the church, counselor, etc someone else besides you may help him to confess what he saw and how he feels so he can move on and appreciate all he has.
I wish you the best and please thank your husband for me and my family for all he did and the sacrifices he made!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.L.

answers from Las Vegas on

Have you heard of EFT? emotional freedom technique.... If not, there is much info on the net.. lately, they have been using it for PTSD and have had good results. I did it for anxiety and did find some relief..
I don't now IF these folks are still offering it for free, but if not, if you look online, there are practitioners out there who offer free services to vets..
This as their way of thanking them for their service.

check out this site http://www.veteranprograms.com/id748.html
again. not sure if they are still at it.. but if they aren't try EFTUNIVERSE.COM <<< a free site... on there it explains in detail how EFT has helped many people..

I wish you all the best

1 mom found this helpful

D.F.

answers from El Paso on

My husbands the same way. It's scary at times. But I tend to just stay away from him and let him cool off. Then wen he's back to being himself abit I let him know how scary he gets and that he needs to tone it down abit cuz he scared my daughter out. I honestly think its going to take yrs for your husband to stop being like that, my husbands been back since 2011 and he gets like that every time something goes wrong :-(
I know it's hard, and not good for the kids. Just let him know that its not acceptible around the kids. He will go off around the kids sometimes but just try and stand your ground it will get better. My husbands abit better at removing himself and doing it private lol!
All we can do is try and be there for them, nothing else we can do. :-)

I randomly suggest he should see someone. But only wen he's in a good mood and laughing about the out burst he had earlier by himself or at work. And he agrees. So just try and help him, I know there's days wen you can't but its okay too.

1 mom found this helpful
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions