Husband Is on My Side.

What are you marrying one of my husbands brothers lol wow sounds JUST like mine... I have been with my husband for 7 years married for 4 and she is always preaching to us. She buys my kids all kinda of religious stuff and gets mad when I dont hang it all over my walls basically we know we dont see eye to eye on religion but i accept what she gives, put it in the closet, let her words go in one ear and out the other and ignore her as much as possible. My husband says the same thing he cant change his mom just ignore it. as hard as it is i see now its the only thing I can so if i fight with her it makes my husband unhappy and his mom then that really sucks so I guess all I have done is bite my tounge and keep going on with my life as usual and know the woman wont live forever lol ok that was mean :-)

You should just tell her the truth like you did on here. Say Something along the lines of This: I 'm really having a hard time with you (mother in laws name).I know you have lost many friends in your life Because of your Beliefs and the way you live your life. You has walked into our home and told us that evil sprits are entering our home because of the pictures we have or the books we read. You send me DVDs on Jesus, god and angels. You have made it to where, I have nightmares of bad sprits coming to get me. Because of you saying it over and over again. I can't control my dreams.
I have never been mean to you. I let you go on and on because I don't want to hurt you or anybody else for that matter.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck.
My man and I have had many talks about this problem and it seems to go nowhere. He tells me that’s just how you are and I can't change her.
I have asked you not to send me any more DVDs and what not. But, you still do.
I have my faith, and for the pictures in our home of Marlin Monroe and family. I think she is beautiful and I love my family.
My kids went though a phase of liking Harry Potter. You told me to get it out of my house! That evil sprits are coming into my home. I don't want you to hurt my kids. As you have hurt me, by telling my man, your son things that I have never said, you lie to him. To make me look like a bad person in his eyes. I just am really hurt by you. I wish things where different.
I would like help from you in a positive way. Please if you can't RESPECT me or my home. Then we need to find another way to get together. Just my thoughts - Krissy

P.S. If it hurts her that is HER problem YOU are who you are. Be honest you are not trying to hurt her. You need to do what is best for you and your family.

Hi J., my name is K. and I have a friend that went through the same thing a few years ago. What she did was she talked to her fiance,(which you said you've done) about setting boundaries for his mother. He had to have a heart to heart with her, and tell her that her beliefs were completely invading their lives. The Harry Potter thing I don't get, that's a little extreme, who am I to judge? Anyway, sorry, the fact is, is that your future husband HAS TO talk to her about this. Because it's not going to go away and it's not good to start your marriage this way. And he needs to realize the effect it has and will have on your children. And if him talking to her doesn't work, then you need to. You both have to be straight with her. He needs to respect you and your feelings about this, and not let her get away with it just because he feels that she won't change. You know what, you both need to sit down and talk with her because she won't have a chance to lie to him behind your back. I don't know how someone can call themself a true Christian if they're lying. Anyway, like I said, you have to talk this through, or your marriage will just be a battle for power between her and you. And just think what she'll start telling your children behind your back. I hope that maybe I helped a little, good luck and congrats on the wedding.....K.

Dear J.,

The worst part of it is that your mother in law is telling your husband things that you did not say. This can get very bad. My son's wife did the same thing and it got so it hurt our relationship for a long time.

'Mother in law Dear' is a sick woman, and your husband is right, no one can do anything about it. But you CAN stop paying ANY type of attention to what she says and does. You can protect yourself and you own sanity that way. You will end up having to do that anyway. There are a lot of mean people in the world, and we just can't stop themall, that is someone else's business. But it is our business to protect ourselves , and , of course our children. The less emotion you give to your reaction to her, the better. Take the DVDs and the other stuff and put it into a sack, then throw it away quietly.

Now, remember this, a large percentage of us have had horrible mother in laws. It is a hard part of life that we cannot let harm us.

I wish that I could say something that will help you more.

C. N.

Let me start with a little background on myself. I was raised in a fairly conservative home where we went to church every Sunday & Wednesday & were homeschooled. I met my husband and his family when I was 10 when both of our families started going to the same church. When we started dating 6 years later, I got to know his family even more than before...but, it was not until we had been seeing eachother for a few years that my mother-in-law's true spirit started coming out. She would call my mother constantly & tell my mom that I needed to change the way I dressed (even though anything I wore had to be approved through BOTH of my parents before I was allowed to wear it), tell my hubby to do things that she wanted him to do because she had never been an authority figure & none of the kids would listen to her. Then, she started coming after me once I got a little older. We had it out on the phone one day, and things just escillated from there. Then, they would shove books & DVDs down my throat to try to make me believe the way they did. Up until recently, it had been that she would nag us non-stop. She would leave 10+ minute message on my phone nagging about my husband (& the way she made him), then call him & nag about me. She also, had lied to him and told him that I always talk negative about him when he's not around & was trying to turn us against eachother.

I finally had to just tell her that she made her son the way he is & I can't change that. If she regrets the way he is, then that is something she will have to live with. I also told her that the reason that her son will no longer have anything to do with church or christianity is because she has done nothing but shove it down his throat and never gave him a chance to figure out his individual beliefs. I explained that we are a family and that what goes on in our house is to be respected just as we respect their house. I did not appreciate her calling and coming over and shoving her beliefs on us. That she needed to nock it off & give her son space to be his own man & that if she believed that we were in the wrong, the only biblical thing she should do is to pray. That if she reads the Bible and looks at herself, that she will see that she is in sin for letting worry overtake her life & being more concerned about what she thought her kids should do rather than setting the example.

Needless to say, she did NOT like me too much for a while, but she eventually got over it and accepted that fact that this is not in her control. She has stopped all the control & nagging issued for the most part (they still come out a little now and then) & just enjoys spending time with her grandson and our family. For the first time in 15 years, about 2 weeks ago, she actually complimented me and told me how happy she is that her son found someone that cares about him so much and is giving so much to make sure that he is happy and well cared for. MY JAW DROPPED!!! I never thought that was possible. It was a long time coming, but my in laws and I actually get along for the most part now.

I hope this helps. My hubby is the same way where he just doesn't answer the phone when she calls because he doesn't want to hear about it & avoids the issues. So, I ended up taking it into my own hands.

I totally agree with what Melea said. It will definitely hurt your children if you do not solve this problem BEFORE you get married. It is your husband's problem to handle and he DOES need to choose between you and the family you two are going to create together or his mother. His mother is the one creating that problem...NOT YOU. It is not up to you to have to DEAL with her. You shouldn't have to. If it were an issue of just accepting her for how she is and it DIDN'T affect you and your family, that's one thing, BUT she IS AFFECTING you and your family and the choice for you should be a simple one. You brought your children into the world and THEY COME FIRST. You need to protect them, guard them, teach them.

I do wish you all the luck in the world, but you really do need to go talk with your fiance. I have been married for 17 years and have 6 children. I am also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In any religion that I have been a part of, the issue of 'FREE AGENCY' has been key. She can lecture all she wants, but it is up to each individual how they CHOOSE to live...even if it is wrong. How you choose to live is between you and God...not your mother-in-law.

I really hope this helps. Good luck! I'll pray for your family.

K.

I'm not sure this will do much help considering your husband has sort of in a round about way ask you to ignore it but he needs to ask her back off. I've been married for almost 8 years and I still hear her bashing me to relatives, I've found nasty emails about me, I've stumbled accross stories where my husband left out the part where he had to tell her to stop talking bad about me...and now we own a family business together with his in laws. She's with my husband day in and day out and talks bad about me often enough that he tells me...he does stick up for me ALL THE TIME. That tells me that it's more than every once in a while.

My advice is work this out now before you get married. Sit down and tell your husband...this has to be addressed because it is hurting you. He needs to ask her to stop or it never will. If you do, she may twist it around to make you look bad. Get outside counsel and keep your mouth shut about talking negatively about her or your husband will feel forced to defend her. Avoid contact with her without your husband or another near by. Miss the phone calls. Don't get caught up in the traps she will set for you.

You may need to fight fire with fire. I'm a Christian and I know all too well some Christians can get a little caught up forcing issues down others throats. She may mean well but this is being done in bad taste. Fire with fire. Go to a church Pastor, at her church and explain that you are unsure how to ask her to tone down her spiritual....ummmmm, tastebuds around the children and you. Tell them you just want a peaceful relationship with her and not a constantly being judged relationship. It's disturbing you and the sleep...etc. Be sweet and take your husband with you to the meeting. Then, set up a meeting with that Pastor and her and have them mediate. You said you have your faith...be faithful to that and again...tell your husband it is his job to ask her to back off.

It's unfortunate that mother in laws get weird over their boys and in this case...go all evil spirits and stuff for extra power...but just do your best to stay right. My husband just gave me permission to let his mom have it if she does it again and I am in the right to say something. I know if I do, she'll say she was kidding and I'll look bad so I'm not sure what to do but having his support makes the different.

That's a tough one. Encouraging toward a Christian life (which is what I can see she is meaning to do) should be like a sprinkle of salt on your food. She's taken off the top of the salt shaker and is destroying the dish so that you can't even swallow a bite. If the moment presents itself, and you can say it in a non angry way, tell her that analogy. She'll know what it means. Ask her to take it easy on you and that she's overwhelming you. Tell her she is coming on so strong that you are wanting to not accept anything she says and you very much want to be able to talk openly to her about everything....but then don't talk to her about it. The lying is a the dangerous part. I'm dealing with that now.

Again, just stay pure in heart and motive. Don't let it consume you. If she does something in front of the kids you have every right to address it....have the kids leave the room and tell her you and your husband do not want her to speak that way in front of them. Call you husband while she is there, tell him you are there with his mother and you just asked her to not do that in front of the kids and tell him to explain that he feels the same way, hand her the phone and stand there. (Be sure he will back you up or it will make you look bad...keep the phone on speaker too)

But before all that, be sure he speaks to her first, alone.

Good luck and keep us updated.

My daughter just married a young man who has a Mom and Dad simular to your future Mom in law. Before the wedding she was spouting all types of stuff to all of us, and I finally spoke up and told her that if she were indeed a true Christian that she would not be judging us as that was God's job. As a Christian, our job was to love each other and act as Jesus would. That really took her back and she has stopped preaching at us. I also told her that we had our own religion and we were happy that she had hers. As for the dvd's and other things she sends, donate them to a church. This is a good time to teach your children tolerance. Good luck!

For starters, does your fiance believe the lies she is telling him about you? If so then it's probably not a good thing to be getting married until he can figure out who's lying to him!
My mother in law is a health fanatic. Not the same as religious, I know, but the point is, she send us stuff all the time. We just smile and say thankyou and throw it away. The stuff she into really isn't for us or our kids. We've been married 6 years and I don't think his mother has liked me thr any of it. That is just how she is. Try not to take it personally. My husband tells me the same thing your fiance tells you, that's just how she is and has always been, no one has or will be able to change her. At some point you have to make the decision to acknowledge the fact she's a bit crazy and live to make yourself and your family happy no matter what she thinks or says. If she starts scaring or upsetting your kids, draw the line. Tell her that she can push her beliefs on you if she wants because you're strong enough to know your own beliefs and not let her get to you, but your kids are a different subject. If she doesn't knock it off she won't be allowed over anymore and can't see the kids. Harsh, yes, but you don't want your kids having bad dreams and scared of everything because of her. Make a choice, your families happiness, or hers.

She is mentally unstable and toxic for your children and your marriage (not to mention each of you as individuals).
Your fiance will have to be strong enough to tell her not to discuss religion (or make frightening threats)with any member of his family, as her beliefs are frightening and she is overwhelming.
I believe she could be helped with medication and therapy, although I realize many persons with her fervor believe cognitive therapy and related medications fear they are brainwashing tools of the Satan:)
Prottect your kids, yourself and your future marriage. Be strong but firm and gentle, you will have to repeat your feelings over and over again. Maybe agree on a tantra "Okay, it's time to change the subject" You should have her son initiate this conversation but then as a unit, be consistent to inappropriate remarks in a respectful manner. Sounds OCD

I would try not to be offended by her "gifts" to you...if you don't want to utilize such gifts just toss them (in the trash - not at your mother in law - ha,ha). I know a lot of fundamentalists think Harry Potter (among many other mostly newer children's books) are terrible but I really think it must be generational because few if any are protesting the thousands of fairy tales written over hundreds of years past. Does she think Cinderella or The Little Mermaid are evil? Really they have similar fantasy and magic elements. I would just be as nice as you can and not take her opinions to heart. Perhaps tell her that you are not interested in hearing her spiritual revelations about evil in your home. It is frightening your children (as well as yourself) and will under no circumstances soften your heart to her agenda. You don't make it too clear as to whether your soon to be husband is offended as well or if he sides with her. If he doesn't support you in this that does not speak well for your future, if he is supportive then hold fast together and do not worry about her. I don't know if you two are Christian's and just not "Christian" enough for her or if you do not believe but in case the latter is true I feel like I need to tell you that I am a Christian and do not think what she is doing is right or Godly behavior. We are not all like her and in my opinion the best way to convince someone that your way is right is to love them in spite of your differences! Good luck and I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this at a time that should be so happy!

J., I am so sorry about your situation. Unfortunately, the fruit does not fall far from the tree. Your husband will most likely become like his mother. You need to get help with being your husband's mother's doormat. Get professional help before you tie the knot. Find out why you are willing to be abused and humiliated in front of your own children. Things will get worse, never better, after marriage.

Are you marrying my BiL???
Honestly, I have the same MiL. Here's what I've learned after almost 9 years of marriage-you cannot change someone who does not want to change. You cannot enlighten someone who does not want to be enlightened.
When you receive her "care packages" return them unopened. If your man is in agreement, the two of you together need to tell her that your home is your own. Her criticisms are unjust and foul and will not be tolerated. The only evil spirits in your home are the ones she brings with her by putting so much negativity in the air. Your children are your own, and how you raise them is your business. If you require her assistance you will ask. Until that time she needs to keep her opinions to herself. If she can't then she needs to not come over until she can control herself.
Here's the thing-you can't change her. What you can change is how you deal with her. Toe to toe is sometimes how it needs to be to get her to understand that her behavior is unacceptable. Make sure your man is present when this happens that way he knows exactly what is said.
My MiL has tried lying about me, and I confront her to her face with hubby right there. She's tried manipulating my marriage, and my husband to "her side" because K. is a big ol' "meanie Unbeliever"...
Oh well. Do not let her undermine your relationship with your man. Stand up for yourself and make sure he does too. If he knows she's a liar it'll be that much easier.
Good luck.
K.

Wow, J., your sure do have your hands full, don't you. I'm so sorry that you have this dilemna! I'm not sure that I have any advice that you haven't tried. I think you probably do need to demand (I know, it's a strong word) that your fiance' help you deal or not deal with his mother.

Since she still sends you DVD's, books, etc. despite your requests, start sending them back unopened marked return to sender. When she starts saying hurtful things to you, especially in your own home, ask her to stop firmly, but respectfully. You can no longer continue to let her go on and on.

If your fiance' is around, he needs to support you on this one, and say something to his mom and ask her to stop.

This must be so hard, J.. But remember, you are an adult and you don't have to put up with someone that doesn't respect you, puts you down, and makes you feel bad. You need to put your foot down, or you are going to feel worse.

Best of luck to you,

L.

If she's stressing you out now, before you get married, imagine how stressful it will be after you get married.

I went through some tough times with my mother in law at the beginning also. My mother in law is not a religious fanatic, but my husband was a very sick child growing up, and I took away her baby. She would come into our home and hand my husband pictures of other girls, along with their e-mail addresses. She would call me names, and shun me at the same time. She also lied to my husband about me. I convinced my husband that we needed to move. (We allready lived 150 miles away from her, which aparently wasn't far enough.) We moved 3 states over. I only have to see her twice a year. My husband and I have now been married for almost 7 years. Up untill 2 years ago my mother in law was still trying to get my husband to take our kids, and move home with her. We had MANY fights about his mother. I finally decided to try something different. I started crying, and told my husband that his mother hates me, and I don't know why. He became very upset at his mother. He called her and told her to stop being mean to me. Then she called me to tell me that she was sorry, but she had no idea that I felt she was being mean. I just simply told her that it looks like I won that one. I also told her that he's mine, he's not moving home to be near her, and that she needs to get over it. The last 2 years have been great. (But it took me 7 years to get that way.) I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that she does not win the battle.

Oh My God! I swear you are talking about my mother, who is a fanatical Jehovahs Witness. My 4 year old son caught Harry Potter on T.V one day, so I went out and bought it for him; due to hard times, I was forced to move back in with my mother, and when my son wanted to watch hs movie, she went out of her mind! Yelling and flipping out that "we dont watch "demonized" movies like that in this house!" Thats just one of COUNTLESS incidents.....Needless to say, we tolerate eachother, in small doses, which is better for me mentally and physically- she is too toxic to take in any other amount. Bottom line- you cant change people, only yourself. You can choose to let it go, and be a bit more tolerant for the sake of the one you love. Hey- at least you dont have to live with her! See...a brightside!

J.- I know that you have posted your update. I just wanted to let you know that as I read your post, I got goose bumps. I have the VERY same issue. We finally moved about 30 miles away and have very little contact now. That seems to work for me. I do miss having a relationship w/ her, but we truly have nothing in common. Anyone who wants to bring you down needs to be put out! Even family. You are the mama in your house...NOT her.
With love and support.

Hi J.. Wow! You have a mother-in-law who is very passionate at least. Maybe you can find a way to redirect what she's passionate about in your home. I personally get along very well with my mother-in-law who is very religious. My best friend however, (our mother-in-laws are very close as well, same religion) goes through similar things. She was a sarrogate mother and her mother in law thought that was horrible and really gave her a lot of unwanted feedback. Lots of pushing of the religion and asking over-the-line questions. Along with opionions on how her children are being raised. It's a fine line when it comes to a mans wife and his mother. A lot can go wrong. I'm not sure what your relationship is with her but have you ever tried to sit down with her and just let her know you don't mind her discussing her faith but certian things scare you? Maybe remind her this is your home and you have things that the two of you enjoy on your walls and your kids as well. Let her know you value her and would never want to offend her in any way but you're thinking she's being offended by things everyone in the household is okay with. I really hope you and your mother in law can work it out. I know it makes a huge differnce in your life. Good luck with it all.