Ok, here's a little background....I have been with my husband for almost 10 years (married for 4), we have two kids (ages 5 & 3). When we were younger my husband was sweet and romantic. He had never had a g/f before me, so it was all sort of new to him. Over the years he has changed. Little by little he has become angry and "against the world". Everyone is out to get him sort of thing. He doesnt appreciate what he has at all. He complains daily about money (not having enough, even though we always have enough to pay bills..sometimes no extra, but to me what is important gets taken care of). He just isnt happy anymore. He never shows our kids affection. He was affectionate when our daughter was born but only until she was about 2. Now he just gripes at them about EVERYTHING. He is always nagging them about something they are doing. They rarely get nice comments. Mostly he just doesnt say much. He comes home from work (he works 7-3:30) and goes into the bedroom and either plays on the computer or sleeps, until dinnertime. Then he will come out and eat and go right back in. He hugs the kids before they go to bed and that is about it. On the rare occasion that we are all in the living room together, the kids wont even sit with him. Sometimes I get the feeling they dont even like him very much...and that just makes me so sad. They never really want anything to do with him. Our 3 yr old freaks out if dad does anything for him...it always has to be me. He only tells them "I love you" before bed. He never just randomly picks them up and loves on them. He doesnt play with them. If he is home alone with them at all, I usually come home and find the kids watching TV and him in the bedroom playing video games with the door closed.
I have heard my husband even makes comments like, "The kids will probably grow up and say, 'Man, Dad was an a**hole!' and he laughs about it, like its funny or a good thing. Im just at my wits end. I dont know what to do. I feel like this is an unhealthy situation for the kids, but I dont know how to change it. He recognizes that he has anger problems and issues and he SAYS he will go to counseling but he has never made any attempts to go and changes his mind a lot. Im sick of listening to him complain ALL the time...like his life is SO terrible. He has a wife, two AMAZING kids (and people tell him all the time how lucky he is because his kids are so good and well behaved), a roof over his head, we both have supportive parents, and we have never had to go without. I dont see how he feels like he is living such a bad life. I'm just tired...exhausted...and I dont know what to do about all this anymore. I just want my kids to be happy and know that they have loving, supportive people in their lives.
Anyone ever go through this?? Any advice is appreciated. TIA
ETA: I should clarify a little...he KNOWS he is depressed, he has been to the doc before and they put him on anti-depressant. He didnt like how it made him feel so he did the St. Johns wort and then he stopped. I keep telling him that I am behind him 100%, always there for him..but he just wont go to the doc or anything. I always try to encourage him to be with the kids and vice versa...but its always like pulling teeth with both. I cant blame the kids for not wanting to be around him though...they never know what is going to make him mad.
Thanks for the responses so far.
Please read "The 5 Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman.
He's needing to feel love...and you need to learn to speak his love language.
It sounds like your DH is in a depression, talk to him about his feelings in a way to make it that he has, 'a soft place to fall'...If you have insurance get him to a counselor, if you don't call the local health dept. & ask about places he can go that counsel either for free or on a sliding scale since it sounds as if $$$ is a concern.
The $$$ not being there is different for him than it is for you, he more than likely feels as if he is not doing enough financially for his family.
Depression affects everyone in a family when one member is in it everyone suffers.
Next time you are all in the LR watching a show how about curling up next to your DH & asking your children to join you both?
Best to all of you for a future of happiness.
there's a lot going on here....& I believe your finances are at the core of the problem. You may feel comfortable with "just" getting the bills paid, but for many spouses - it's a death call for the relationship & your future.
Your comment that you think he thinks "his life is SO terrible" says it all. He does feel this way. He does not appreciate what he has, & is making no effort whatsoever to make life better. Depression affects the entire family, & only he can make the choice to be a better man. No matter what you do.....you cannot change him until he has seen the light. The very fact that he is aware of how his behavior is impacting the children - & then laughing about it.....says a lot about his mindframe & attitude.
At this point....since you're years down the line with this behavior....you need to have a one-on-one conference with him. Just the 2 of you, no kids in the house. Talk about your life together & what you want for the future. Make it very clear whether or not you want him in that future....& that is a choice only you can make. If you want him, then you need to be as supportive in attitude as possible. If you've reached the end of your rope, then you need to be as firm as possible.
Don't make excuses. Don't accept excuses. His behavior is destroying the very essence of your family. BUT, please also be very aware that your own behavior & choices will also be examined. Perhaps it is time for you to add to the family's income....more than you are now. Perhaps it is time to allow your DH autonomy with the kids....rather than following your lead. Perhaps he feels unable to jump in....simply because he feels there's no room for him. Lots of choices to think about.....Good Luck!
Ava could be right. Your profile tells me nothing about you and your husband. My wife tells me I was depressed when I was 29 and approaching my 30th birthday. I kept thinking of all the goals I hadn't acomplished "by the time I hit 30". 50 was the same way.
Ask your husband if he wants the kids to love him. If he says yes, then tell him what you do to make the kids love you. Ask him if he wants some suggestions he can do to improve his relationship with his kids. If he does, then tell him. If he doesn't, then don't tell him.
When you do something to be nice or kind to the kids tell him what you did and that it has a effect on the kids to help them love you.
Tell him you love him. Thank him for the things he does. (Thank you for working so hard and bring home a good income. Thank you for taking out the trash. Etc.) That will help him to feel more appreciated and hopefully lift his mood and demeanor.
Good luck to you and yours.
Sounds like your husband's irritability and complaining may be a symptom called "depression." Prolonged stress, poor diet, toxins in the body, genetics, poor sleep, lack of exercise, allergies, immune problems, heart problems, metabolic problems, and hundreds of other things can all result in this symptom. And sometimes it is slow and insidious until one day someone recognizes - gee - something is wrong. Something has changed.
That symptom - "depression" does not mean he has "Major Depressive Disorder" (MDD) that requires psychiatric care, but it is a warning that perhaps he should get a thorough, comprehensive physical with lots of labs (which generally is not done anymore, and insurance companies put much pressure on doctors to NOT do). It is so much easier to chalk it all up to "mental" and hand out a pill.
He probably should go to therapy to help him cope better with his symptoms and even recognize these negative thoughts and his withdrawal from family. I'd also suggest he go to an Integrative Medical Doctor to get thoroughly checked out physically, and get his body in as best shape as possible.
My husband became irritable and complained about every little thing, and it was a reaction to a very STRESSFUL situation. For him, simple St. Johns Wort helped him, and he was on that for several years (and in therapy - we all were.) I got "depression" (not like on TV- I was still working, and quite functional) and went on that anti-depressant roller-coaster (wrong move). What helped me in the end was extra nutrients, especially for mitochondrial function.
I whole-heartedly agree w/ DVMMOM. He needs to start taking care of his depression and seek counseling right away. There is no excuse to live this life when help is available. I think you've put up with this long enough. Are you and your children ready to endure a lifetime of it? I would lay it on the line and be prepared to seek a better life for you and your children if he refuses. This is no way to live. Good luck, A..
I feel like I can relate to something you have described. Sorry it must be tough on you too. Like for me I feel a huge burden when he comes home to have everything done, kids bathed & house clean so he doesnt have any reason to complain & can spend time with the kids too but I often get annoyed that he is always on his phone or just watching TV. Talk to him. Tell him what you have just said here. Reach out for help. We just did. We are attending some parenting classes at our Church & my husband actually came home & said he needed to hear that. It has given him confidence. Also, we just watched the movie Courageous. Its a good movie about how important a father is to their child. Watch it. Make it a movie night. Go to free community events with the kids or just hang out at a park. Good luck & be proactive. Make changes!
Wow... no way can you let this continue. You have to do something. Have you spoke to your/his parents about this? What do they say? If you haven't you need to do it. The only way to improve this situation is to get help - you need help in order to help him. And you need to help him so that your family will not suffer any longer.
There's no simple answer but you know in your heart that this is hurting you and your kids AND him.There is hope... you need to get started now. Also, you need to go to a counselor to vent and begin learning what you
can do and need to do for all concerned. This is unfortunately something
that requires you - his loving wife - to take charge of the situation. But you
are not alone... get the help you need from family, friends and professionals.
He will have no choice but to go along with what he needs to do... sometimes you have to be willing to say ... this is not acceptable ... you have to get help or you will be alone. He needs to know that there's help
available and that he has to be willing to get help OR ELSE.
However, before you ever give him that message - you have to get the help
and support that you need. Don't be afraid... you can do this.
Best wishes,
Peter
Founder of
wwwBabyMeTV.com
My dad was like that growing up and my mom compensated by giving me extra love and affection. And I seriously had some issues (or still have?) My Dad is not a bad man, he's amazing and a great person. He just doesn't know how to show affection and it was how he was raised.. he also had issues with depression but he was medicated so it was well controlled.. he also worked shift work so he was either working or sleeping all the time... Now we have a pretty good relationship now he'll sometimes call just to talk and we say I love you a lot... I don't know what to tell you about how to fix it but please, don't try to make up for it by not making your kids clean or be responsible.. my mom thought she was trying to help but she ended up really hurting me when I got into the real world and it put my husband in a tough situation having to teach me things I should have had coming into a marriage.. Don't feel like you have to compensate for his lack of love, it puts you in a tough spot because you have to play good cop and bad cop... hopefully he'll get some help but if not just try to be the best you can for your kids!
This is a very unhealthy situation for your children and yourself. You children could grow up and be the same way with their children, not knowing how to have a healthy relationship. My husband went through a similar situation. (He was diagnosed w/post traumatic stress and depression. He was in Iraq as well as other places.) I basically had to tell him the kids and I were leaving unless he did something. I hated for it to come to that, and I did not want to leave, but could not endure the situation any longer. You said he has a good relationship with his parents? You may want to bring them in too. They must see how he has changed? Wishing you the best.
I agree with Ava, 100%.
There's a lot going on here. Some people are satisfied with a wife and kids and "just getting by" but a lot of us want more out of life. And if you are your husband's first and only love, well, it's probably natural for him to feel like he went straight into the obligations and responsibility that come with being a husband and father without ever really getting to grow as an individual person.
I would start by getting some counseling for yourself, it will help to have someone to talk to you about this situation. I think you should also spend some quality time together as a couple. Leave the kids once a week and go on a real date. No need to spend a lot of money, go for a walk or a bike ride. Have a few drinks and walk around downtown. TALK, reconnect. Your relationship with your husband is just as important as your relationship with your kids, nourish it. Tell him how much you appreciate everything he does. Instead of saying "why aren't you happy, why don't you spend time with us" ASK him what HE wants, and ask him what YOU can do to support him.
He may be truly depressed and need counseling, but I have a feeling the two of you just need to work on your relationship. If he's happier with you he will want to be with you more, and therefore will enjoy being part of the family :)
My first thought is depression.
Try changing his diet a little. Make things that are known to lift spirits, things high in B vitamins. Do a little research.
Get the book the 5 Love Languages, by a Dr Chaplin, something like that. Google it. THen learn what his love language is and try to cater to that a bit.
Rent Courageous. It is a great movie for dads to see how to be with their families and what happens when they aren't there. It is very Christian based. It will make you cry.
Try to get him to take a walk after dinner with you, or go to the gym. Get a babysitter for the kids if you have to, actually if you join the Y they have childcare while you are exercising.
