Husband Coming Home Late, Thoughts?

I would support my husband in staying at work late, if that is more comfortable to him.

And BTW, it's very healthy to be able to keep work at work, and not bring it home to interfere with family time.

I think his schedule is just fine!
His mother was off base although I can see why she was upset when he forgot he had something to do with her that particular evening.
Bringing home work can be a royal pain in the neck (some have a lower opinion) and it can make it pretty impossible to ever really get AWAY from work.

Glad that talking things through helped! It often does.

I know a lot of people who compartmentalize their lives, so that when they're at work, their minds aren't at home, and when they're home their minds aren't at work.

E., when I worked in Finance, many of my co-workers had a difficult time separating home life from work life. They gave out their cell phone #'s to their boss & coworkers. They logged in repeatedly from home to "stay on top" of their emails. They brought project work home so that they could get home earlier, instead of staying at the office to complete it.

And what ended up happening is that the exceptions became the norm, the work was always brought home, in addition to days they had to stay late for meetings, and the time they got with their family was shortened and less quality than they desired.

Me? My boss didn't get my cell #. Work didn't come home with me (because truthfully, I'm not as effective working at home without my desk & resources, and an hour project would take closer to 2-2 1/2). Emails weren't checked unless I was needing to follow up with someone on something time-dependent & knew they'd be emailing me.

My coworkers were a bit jealous. My boss had no problems with me (and typically, I had my work done & was looking for more, without involving my home-life). And I could enjoy the "break" I made from work every day when I went home.

I admire your husband for doing the same, especially since he has a family with kids. He is prioritizing his work, and making sure that his family comes first, that he is present & connected when he is at home.

Your MIL is wrong, in my opinion. If he starts to bring home his work, just to be able to be @ home, he will too easily slip into the role of the parent who tells his kids to leave him alone while he's working on "work".

And since you've already acknowledged that your husband is able to manage his workload properly, & there are only a few occasions when he needs to stay excessively late, it seems this system is working well for the both of you. Why fix what isn't broken? T.

I wish my husband was home every day by 5:30. That would be awesome.
But he works LONG hours and is home late every night. between 9-10.
your husband sounds like a good man who is doing his best. Leave him be.
L.

I think the issue here is your MIL. It is not her business to dictate to your husband.

My husband and I work together at home running a business. WE are "on" 24/7 and have no set hours. We get calls at all times of the day or night is a customer is running low on material or has an issue of some sort. So, we don't have the set 9-5 schedule.

When both of us were in corporate world years ago, we would typically leave about the same time at the end of the workday. I did not bring work home with me, I did it at the office. However, with both of our positions, we often had dinners and functions outside the office.

Bottom line, it sounds like your MIL is just butting in to try to stir something up.. If your relationship has worked all along as you say it has, what is the big deal and why would she do that to him?

I'd be packing my MIL's bags so she could go home and manage at home instead of doing something to derail my marriage.

All that matters in this is how you and your hubby feel about it. We are a team, not each other's parent and we treat each other as a partner.

I am a work before play person also so see no issues with his behavior.

Well... I'm not my hubby's mom. So he does what he wants to do without my permission.

My husband cannot bring his work home with him. Even if he could, I really wouldn't want him to.

Does it really matter where he completes the work?

He needs to tell his mother to mind her own business.

My husband works in a chemistry lab, so he can't really bring work home. I teach, so I definitely have that flexibility. I do bring work home because my kids are very young, I want to spend time with them after school and I can get my work done after they go to bed.

There isn't a right answer, and I don't think the situation described had anything to do with your husband's routine being right or wrong. This situation was really about your MIL's disappointment. It's quite possible she would personally prefer a different routine (maybe your FIL never stayed late at work), but really she was upset that she had made plans and he forgot and stayed late at work.

Each family has to figure out what will work for them.

His mother was probably feeling slighted, since she had made a trip to see him and he chose to work late instead of coming home. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, but I bet that was her motivation for the comment.

I don't see anything wrong with the way your husband conducts his business. We could never bring home our work, per se, but I have to take phone calls during our off hours. I can see why he would want to leave work at work and be home without the distraction, even if it meant working late occasionally. It may not have been a good choice while his mother was visiting, though.

My husband is in sales and works 16 hour days. He has an office with others and also a home office. If he's home, he always stops and has dinner with us .I used to freak out when he would be home after 5 and working in the office until late. However, I don't work any longer so now I'm more understanding of a crazy schedule. I don't really have an opinion on if he should work at the office or bring it home. I would tell you to allow him to do whatever HE wants to do to free his mind so when he is at home, he is active and present with you and the kids. At least that's what I would rather have. So no it would not bother me if my husband worked late once a month. Mine works way more than a "normal" person every day. Be thankful for a hardworking husband. =0) Good luck.

I know that for many people, working at home takes longer and is not preferred. Staying late at the office means that they can work, uninterrupted, until the job is finished and they don't take it home.

Be glad your husband has only one or two nights a month to stay late. My husband is the main IT guy, on call 24/7. There are nights when the AC in the server room breaks down and he has to go in at 12 a.m. or so to open a door so the servers don't overheat. It's not unheard of for coworkers to call him on the weekend because they blew off an email and can't log into their work accounts. (They have to deal with HIPPA, so lots of security issues with that). I can tell you that he'd Far Rather deal with that stuff at the office one or two nights a month that those random weekend interruptions. Plus there are scheduled system updates that he has to schedule around regular working hours, so some things can go from 5-9, 10, or even 1 or 2 if something goes wrong. He's had more than a handful of nights where he was fixing something, ate dinner at work, home at a late hour and then turned around and was back in by 6 to make sure the networks and phones were all working fine after the changes.

I'd LOVE to have your situation. I'm sure my husband would love to have your husband's clearly delineated work hours and situation. I know, too, that sometimes when someone is working and their head is in that space, time can pass without notice. It's good to be proactive and just call if they have not showed up or something is unclear.

I'm also happy to say that my in-laws have far too much respect for my husband to ever dress him down like that, even if they were visiting. They worked hard in their day and understand that we work hard as well.

well, it sounds as if for the most part, your husband's rather rigid scheduling works very well for him, and for the family. if the only problem is one minor blow-up between him and his mom, what's the problem? everyone has apologized, and your MIL even admitted it was about her pique at being forgotten, not about his work.
what i can't tell from this is how YOU actually feel about it.
khairete
S.

I can only speak for myself, but I prefer to work late at work. If I would bring my work home, it would take me twice as long to finish because of the distractions. And I don't want to end up snapping at my family because I'm frustrated that I can't get my work done when I need to. Working late is better for all of us, IMO!

That said, I plan those late nights in advance with my husband. I can see when big workloads are coming, and I tell him - "Hey, I'm going to need to work late one night this week because I'm behind. Let's figure out which night is the best one for me to do this." So, no one is surprised when I'm late because we all know about it in advance.

I would prefer my husband take care of business at work. When he gets home, he's father and husband. If he needs to be late, all I ask for is a call to let me know.

Whatever he's most comfortable with would be fine with me. We are our spouse's partners - not mothers. I don't give my hubby a time to be home - he comes home when the job is done, however early or late that may be.

Whatever works for him, would be fine by me.

Your husband has the right idea. Truly. I do think it's best to make a clean break from work then come home. His walk home is probably specifically the time he puts work from his mind and mentally becomes just dad again.

THIS is also why kids bringing homework home every day isn't good for them. They have already given their day to their education. THEY need time to unwind and have a life outside of school. This is very very very healthy. I suggest your whole family go along with his views.

Occasionally work/school takes extra time but when a family member walks through the door they are HOME, home to see their family, home to relax, home to be together and enjoy life.

So many families have forgotten to LIVE. To be together and have fun, to watch TV together or just hang out. These moments are the glue that holds the family together.

Family is everything, it's why we're here. To have that close relationship with each other and be a unit. We are meant to be with others whether we get that need filled up by friends, relatives, or others we all need to be around others in a way that's different than a work relationship.

My husband works for the sheriff's dept and even if he was already changed out of uniform and off the clock to come home but hadn't left the building they can order him to stay...so I never really know when he'll be home. I can't rely on him to p/u kids, be home for dinner, etc. So if he was late once a month I would be thrilled :) but to answer your question I would much prefer he stay and take care of his work at work instead of bringing it home with him.
I do understand your MIL's disappointment b/c they had plans and he should have called, but it sounds like this was out of the norm for him so I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

So this really has nothing to do with him coming home late and everything to do with him forgetting to call his mom about the change in plans. THAT'S what she was upset about. I'm glad he apologized and they worked it out...it seemed to have been an honest (and seemingly rare) mistake in his very organized life.

And staying late at work a few times a month is not out of the ordinary for most people, I think. This is a non-issue. My husband works from home most of the time, but on the days he DOES go into the office, he gets home when he gets home. Sometimes it's 6:30, sometimes it's 8pm. He's a grown man with a full-time job - he doesn't have a curfew. There's no such thing as "on time" in our household. He does, however, let me know when he's on the road, etc, so I know to plan dinner accordingly. If he's late, we'll eat dinner without him. No big deal, doesn't happen often enough to make any impact on our family life.

He doesn't get to unwind really if he gets home, then has to go to bed. But really, I see no problem.

I would let my husband do it in the way that is best for him. If he will be more productive in the office, then he should stay there. If it'll be midnight, then I'd prefer that he bring it home.

I can certainly understand your husband not wanting to walk with extra baggage or even to blur the line between home and work. His mother is overreacting based on her personal disappointment.

Is this just a curious question?

I say if it only happens every once in a blue moon then whatever works best for hubby is the best idea. When I taught high school I always stayed late at school to finish. I wanted school to be school and home to be the place I relaxed. That was the main reason. Also, there are distractions at home, all kinds of good reasons to procrastinate at home, sometimes you might leave something important at work that you need to finish the job, it's a pain and takes extra time to have pack everything up to take home and then to take back to work...

I understand when my husband has to work late every once in a while. He doesn't make a habit of it. He does call though. My dad had to do it too.

Now, if he stays late every night, that would be a problem because he would never eat dinner with the family. If that bothered you, I might ask him to try to bring work home maybe 2 or 3 nights a week so you can eat as a family.

Sounds like you have a great husband and like you are an understanding wife. Congrats on a good marriage. What's up with MIL's always stirring up trouble? :0)

My husband actually does both, brings work home and stays late. I feel he stays more on task at the office than at home but it's his call. I don't mind if he stays late to get caught up.

I do like to have dinner together as much as possible,but if he has to work, he just grabs something.

My husband used to be able to work from home but the new team based stuff their doing keeps him from easily being able to anymore. I hate it, but it is what it is. I wish it was only once a month that he had to work late. Especially now that we have an infant. But you do what you gotta do.

In your situation, he was wrong not to let his mom know that he would be late if he promised to take her somewhere. If my husband didn't let me know he was working late and he didn't come home until 10, I would be pretty upset because I would have had to guess who was picking up the kids at daycare and what to make for dinner and all that. But in the age of cell phones and texting, it's never a guess for us.

*I* would rather stay late at work and finish what I needed to finish instead of bringing it home, that's me. My husband prefers to come home on time (most often) and will plug up after dinner and some family time.

So we are both different. The problem is I do the afternoon shifht with the kids, so I can't stay late hardly ever.

I also take the stance that my work is not my life, my kids and family win out EVERY TIME over work. So if something doens't get done and it isn't an emergency, it will be there for me the next day.

However, this is all about communication really.

He's a saint...really. He finds comfort in routine and is very reliable. Everyone forgets something and shouldn't be the end all.

S.

Hubby comes home late a lot. Things happen. In his line of work, a really important meeting might happen in the hallway on the way to the car. It is what it is.

Your husband needs to compartmentalize his work. He's very organized. He's late once a month. This has been working for him for a long time. I do not see why this is a problem. Sounds like he is uncomfortable to change his routine. This is who he is. Let it go.

I suggest you need to find out why this bothers you and deal with your issue. He sounds rather inflexible. This would be difficult for me. At the same time I know expecting him to change is unreasonable. He is who he is. Try talking to yourself in a way that accepts this pattern.