"Husband Chose Hunting over Family"

L.,

I don't know that I'd feel any differently than you do in the same situation.

I wonder though, do you think it's possible your husband isn't trying to "abandon" you, but rather is running away out of fear, frustration, and helplessness?? If there's one thing I know, it's that men do NOT handle "helplessness" well nor do they do well with disappointing their damsel.

Do you think it's possible he's feeling lost, too?!! He's supposed to be your hero and save you from all that scares you; yet, this, he CAN'T.

With all that you're saying; you're overwhelmed and these few days are just too much for you...I highly doubt throwing in the towel on this relationship is going to help you out any.

I think there needs to be an understanding that just as there are different ways to mourn there are also different ways to deal with difficulties. It's so common for one to think the other isn't caring, or that the other has gone over the edge...there needs to be a respect and allowance for each person to have their own experience. I can only imagine how difficult in must be to not only have all the things you describe but a frantic wife, too. Honey, I'm willing to bet you have a system that works for you, and that when your hubby does things you need to correct him or help him or fix what he's done: that's the kind of thing that makes men withdrawl, why try when you're always screwing up, ya know??

You can choose to continue to be wounded and feel betrayed by this, or you can use this time to see the whole picture--you all, hubby included, are living a very demanding and stressful life. It's possible he's at a breaking point.

What can you do to strengthen your unity?? I'm certain yelling and becoming hurt isn't working...even if you're justified, but I'm willing to bet he's feeling abandoned, too...

Hunting is only allowed at certain times of the year, too. If he's providing for you, that's a positive...maybe your can focus some on that.

Like I said before, I don't know that I'd feel any differently than you do now but since I'm not in it, those are some thoughts that occured to me. PLEASE for goodness sake don't use them to beat yourself up, either, that's certainly NOT what I mean by them...just consider the "posibility" that your focus had become very myopic and the "possibility" that your hubby is just as--or maybe even more--overwhelmed as you.

It's a lot to handle with just the two of you. Have you gotten involved with support groups? I highly suggest joining or starting one, so you can uplift each other, gain support, voice feelings--even the unthinkable ones that DO occur, etc...

I'll send you lots of good thoughts and prayers, for the health of your child, and that of your family, especially your marriage.

I know how you feel. My husband is a hunter as well, he has a two week trip in september, which trust me i am not excited about. I always say i can't believe you would rather be with your friends than me and your son but he goes anyway and of course i am mad the entire time. I don't know what to say except that i know dads are different than moms, i could never leave my little boy either. I guess you have to do what you need to do and i know how you feel whatever decision you make is totally up to you. Good luck e mail me if you ever need to talk i understand. ____@____.com

L., it sounds like you are feeling overwhelemed and frustrated...and it sounds like your husband is feeling overwhelmed and frustrated too. He probably needs a good break--the timing may be off for you but are you really ready to end a marriage over this? over a weekend? Perhaps it would be better to say Honey, I need to understand why it is so important for you to go right now. and then listen. don't interrupt even if it makes you mad just listen. then take some time on your own to review why this is so important to him. my guess is so mike can go isn't the real issue. but if you say if you go don't come back, it doesn't open up the door for him to talk to you. Which is what it sounds like you really are wanting. I can't tell you why he needs to go. only he can, I do know that after my miscarriage, and I was feeling so forlorn and lonely my dh needed a week away with the guys. I felt abandoned but I listened and he said he just needed a change to breathe and get his bearings to be a good husband and support to me. I let him go. I hated it I won't lie but he came back rejuvinated. I never brought up the fact he left other than to aknowledge how much of a support he was and I was glad he was refreshed. earlier this year I was the one feeling completely overwhelmed, he had just come back from 5 months in Iraq, I was overstressed and trying to tread water. He sent me off for a weekend with a girlfriend even though he was overwhelmed with our 2 year old being mad at him for leaving and he would have to deal with her abandonment issues of me going--I went. I came back a better mom. Maybe he isn't choosing hunting over the family but is choosing to step aside to clear his mind for a few days. Find out, don't threaten your marriage over this--if there are other issues and this is the icing on the cake that is a whole different story, but we all deal with our stresses differently. I hope you take the time to talk it through with him without judgement. You may find you both end up with a solution that makes you both happy.