So Upset at Husband... Why Doesn't He Want to Be Home W/me?

The Poster HEATHER F. is ON POINT! Please listen to her wisdom. I couldnt have said it better myself!

Never break the marriage bed. No matter how angry you might be, you don't own the whole bed, just half. Besides, it will just allienate you and increase the feeling of loniness and isolation if you sleep apart.

It is amazing how much saying "I'm sorry" can help mend situations. If you start, he might follow... And then you might start to open up and find out what is really triggering his behavior.

I would really suggest marriage couseling before things get way out of hand.

It also sounds like you blame him for your financial problems. Maybe at home he feels like a failure.

My relationship ended in divorce. Talk to a couselor.

#1 acknowledge that he is probably hurting as well and doesn't know how to express it.
#2 make your home a pleasant place to be, don't nag him, lift him up with encouragement.
#3 i understand you have a one year old, however, you can get a job, have the baby in a daycare right near your office visit him on breaks, feed him at lunch, then pick him up straight after work, you will still have that bond with him, but right now you need to get a job, period, or be quiet about the finances if you are not willing to do anything about it. You will feel better about yourself for contributing and your husband will respect your effort to no longer condemn but to be part of the solution. i have 3 son's and i had to put mine in daycare i was still involved and my son's are close to me, i take them to their sporting events, attend after school functions, use vacation time to attend day time functions on occasion etc. they are my world, but i also need to help support the household.

The first thing I would is make sure that he is not having an affair men who do not come home on time and keep changing the time there is something up with that because you are right he can surf the net at home and spend time with you and the baby
my husband works as myself and we make time for the kids we have five it is work I work saturdays and when we get the change we go camping, fishing something other that stay at home on the computer it is an adiction

S.

sheely might be right--maybe there is someone else. i agree that you both need counseling.

BUT:

actually my gut reaction was that maybe he is having some delayed grief about your miscarriage a few weeks ago. my husband & i have lost 2 babies (and have 2 healthy kids) and i remember that with both of them he was fine for a couple of weeks or so, then had a phase of depression/resentment/anger/sadness. everyone grieves differently and maybe this is your husband's way of doing it. it could be that he felt like he supported you through your loss and now it is his turn to "lose it".

looking at your whole picture, maybe he is also feeling a sense of loss about his business--it hasn't taken off the way he had expected and how he is having a hard time supporting his family. you said that you were at the brink of divorce until you found out you were pregnant, and then it was a total 360 for him. now that you are no longer pregnant, you all are right back where you were before--fighting about money and his business, etc. but now maybe it is worse b/c you had that brief time when things were so much better, and you were going to make it work even though money was tight. maybe that loss has hit him harder than he wants to admit. he may not want to be at home right now b/c being at home reminds him of the angel baby...

just some thoughts. NO it is not okay for him to come home in the middle of the night and YES he needs to communicate better with you. but it's possible that he is grieving in a way that he is afraid to share.

good luck & take care

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried March 1st; I know what a terrible thing this is to go through. It seems to me, just reading your post as an outsider, that your current difficulties are separate from your past problems. I would suggest keeping them separate in your mind, because snowballing it all together will make it feel insurmountable. Every relationship has challenges and rough patches. That you've had problems in the past does not mean that you're doomed to eventually fail. Nor does the fact that things were going well mean that they should always go well. Ups and downs happen.

With this current down swing, I would assume from my own experience that you both have needs that are not being met. I think it may be the hardest thing in a marriage to find a balance of who gets to need more and when. Because when you both need so much of each other at the same time that you are unable/anavailable to be a support to the other, feelings are hurt and you both feel you have been failed. And right now you both need a lot of love and understanding - this loss is probably the hardest thing you will ever experience. Your husband may be feeling all kinds of things that he maybe is avoiding sharing with you by staying out late. He may feel (unnecessary) guilt, he may not be able to face his sadness or yours, he may be overwhelmed by fear of another loss in the future. And for you, you may be experiencing the anger stage of grief. The anger after a loss can be all-consuming; for me I felt so overwhelmed by the power of my anger, like I was too small a vessel to hold it all. And it did not really have an adequate target. Who could I rage against, really? God? I don't really believe God took our child. So who is there to be angry at? Often when we are in a bad place we focus our negativity on someone we can trust to forgive us for it (Mom, our husband - even our kids). So if what I'm saying has any resonance for you, try to remember that your anger at your husband may be more intense than the situatuation merits (not that I'm condoning his behavior, it is disrespectful). And remember that his emotions, whatever they are, may be equally intense. To get at what those emotions are, I think it would be extremely helpful to seek counseling together. It's no good trying to get through this alone.

Best Wishes to you.

Is he avoiding me? us? what did i do wrong? why doesn't he want to come home???

You ask and I am sorry but here goes. You have web service AT home, you need to be honest with yourself and realize there is something more than just "Web Surfing (you tube)) going on. You better set hubby down NOW and have a very serious talk.. somewhere you lost touch with each other, and if ya'll do not gain that ground back and close the gap between the 2 of you then understand you are sure to loose him or he you. If you love your husband get with repairing your marriage now before it's to late. B., Mother of 3 Granmother of 10

a miscarriage can be so hard on both parents. i went through that almost ten years ago. my husband was the sweet caring one, i was the one who wasn't. something clicked in my head and i believed that hanging on to him was all i had left of my sweet baby. unbelievable things started happening and i put up with way more than i should of because i was so afraid of losing him. we got married shortly after and have been in an awful marriage for almost ten years. hes a very abusive man. but, i was so clouded wi/ grief for so long that i feel partly responsible for allowing it to happen. so, the point is, maybe he is struggling w/ the loss also. i don't know how far along you were. but, i know its traumatic no matter what stage you were in. maybe you'll should get counseling. try sitting down and having a rational converstaion about it. see if he's willing to take that extra step. your church or any church will provide counseling for free!! take advantage of it. Don'tlose sight of the child you still have. he deserves to loving parents who want to be home with him all the time. best of luck to you and your family. remember you are not alone in your time of grief.

First, you didn't do anything wrong.
Sounds to me like he's gettin into a rut---financial pressures, a growing family and not knowing which way to turn. Probably realizing he screwed up big time quitin that job but not knowing how to fix it. Although i give you EXTREME props for supporting his small business.
My husband wants to do the same and it's stories like these that scare the hell out of me and make me not supportive and not want him to do it.
Guys pride themselves in providing for their family and until they reach a point where they're happy with what they're doing and how much they're bringing in, they'll continue to work hard and late---even though it pisses us off to no extent because the family and "us" is being neglected in the meantime. For guys, stability and money are the most important things...for me, it's having someone by your side at the end of the day to be reassured that everything's gonna be ok.
Good luck sweetheart...i know what you're going through...

Dear Y.

I'm no councellor, however it sound as though your husband is feeling quite overwhelmed with all the responsiblity he has chosen to take on! From my limited experience, I am also married for six years, with two children, when men get stressed out they hibernate, and shut down! I can relate to how you handled things! Men are also programmed to "fix" things, and or do really well or perfect whatever they started! It sounds as though in your husband's previous position, he was unfullfilled! There are probebly issues that are unrelated to you and your child that are affecting your husband and his current behaviors! I am really sorry about you loss!!! We had trouble concieving! I have however learned, (not quickly enough sometimes) that it is easier to allow them to work things out mentally, and give them space! I'm not suggesting months or years, just couple of days or a week! Your money problems I can assure you, are not something that you and your husband face alone! Many couple face money issues! I really hope things work out for you and your husband!

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. It sounds like you both have some grief issues as well as inadequacy issues going on.

I won't tell you what you should do, but i will say that just because a man doesn't want to come home, it doesn't mean he is with another woman.

You have an almost one year old? My daugher is 7 months and it has been the hardest 7 months(aside from pregnancy) that i have ever been through. I love my daugher but it has been a difficult adjustment. A miscarriage, a one year old, and a failing business is a lot to take for both of you.

Couples counseling can give you a different way to relate to each other. It has helped my husband and I.

Think about this, and i'm not saying i wouldn't be upset, i would.. but try to think of why he is doing this. When he comes home it is to fighting and an unhappy nagging spouse, would you want to come home to that? Or would you rather stay at your peaceful business and surf the internet until you know your spouse is asleep and then come home and avoid the unpleasantness. If I were in a marriage where it was constant fighting-griping-nagging, I would avoid that person at all cost. Maybe I wouldn't leave if there were children involved, but I would use whatever "escapes" i had to make my life as peaceful as possible.

Do you work? If not, go out and get a job to help with the money situation, that will go a long way towards eliminating one of the reasons you two fight. It might also make you happier in your own life to have your independence and it would take some stress off your husband who is trying to provide for the family.

One thing I would do, and do it in private, don't accuse him without proof, but make sure he isn't seeing someone else. Some unexpected visits to the store at night would certainly show you if he was. If he's not cheating, then he's just avoiding you because he doesn't want to ruin a perfectly fine day by ending it with a big fight with you.

oh and one more thing. you should never send your husband out of his bed. if you don't want to sleep with him, then you leave and go to the couch, but that is his bed as much as yours.

Can you take a couple of weeks off to visit your family without hubby and just get some perspective on your home situation? It seems like you both need a break. It will do neither of you any good to keep up the fighting and the late nights. Have you thought about joining some "mommy" groups and enjoy your days with other young moms? This will give you something new to share and take some of the pressure off of you being so upset with him. It sounds like he really wants to make this business work and he feels like a failure so he thinks by working late he can turn things around. But then you get upset, so its a circle of conflict. Try to find some outside interests just for you and you and the baby and back off of him for a while and see if he doesn't start coming home sooner on his own. Go visit your parents if you can or a good friend and see if you can't make things better that way, otherwise you probably will let it eat you up and nothing will improve.

Y.,

I'm sorry about the drama that is such a bummer and very hard to deal with. My advice is to try and remember men are inherently different than women, period, no ifs ands or buts. So with that said, I think in order to effect a change in him you need to make the first move/change.

I HIGHLY reccomend "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" first and then "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura. They are both very good, easy to read books that I found made a huge difference in the way my husband reacts to me as long as I follow her advice, however the moment I revert to my natural reactions I'm back to square one.

Please try them and best wishes!
T.

Sorry about your April m/c. Sometimes the pain just doesnt go away. I am still dealing with mine.

OK...it seems that he doesnt know how to talk to you and tell you whats bothering him, hence the "avoid" plague is happening. You need to find a way to get him to stop and talk to you. Maybe counseling would help.

It sounds like he KNOWS the situation he has put both of you into is worse than before and he doesnt know how to dig himself out now. And he doesnt want to bother you more with more worry.

I wish you all the best.

Men are emotional to an extent. It is hard to get them to discuss their feelings. They don't want to cry in front of us b/c to them that is being a punk. I know you are frustrated and angry right now. He is as well. Both of you just experienced something very devastating. You know how to deal with your feelings by talking about it. On the other hand, he does not know how to cope. This is his way of acting out. I went through this with a loved one. He spent more time away from home and doing things that was not common for him. I let him do this until he was ready to talk. I asked him daily if he wanted to talk about it. I knew what was bothering him. But he didn't know that I knew. So give him some time. Don't be a nag, but just calmly ask him if he is ready to talk about it. Eventually, he will come around. Right now, this is a sensitive subject for him as it is for you.

Him sleeping on the floor was a wrong move. When we have issues in my house, arguig, yelling, more than normal about every little thing, I do something nice. I will give him a pedicure or massage and that is where the discussion starts.
I will start with his day. From there ease into telling him that the yelling is stressing you. You would like to stop it and get back to the way you were.

Remember no one likes arguing with themselves. So if he starts on with you, just let him have it.

I will be praying that you guys get back to normal. Sorry for your loss.

Y.,

You have a problem and you have to fix it fast. Step one, decide if your husband is worth fighting for. If the answer is no, don't do a thing, it will be over shortly.

If the answer is yes, step two is fight like crazy because I think your husband is about to have an affair if he hasn't already. That "going out with a friend," and not coming home the next night reminds me of a time when I started seeing a guy who turned out to be married. He was out with his friend and we met and saw each other the next night. It was several months before I knew he was married.

That said, this is how to go about trying to save the marriage:
1. Do not accuse him of cheating (in case he isn't or hasn't yet.)
2. Tell him that you love him and how proud you are of his accomplishment with the store even though he thinks otherwise.
3. Tell him how much the miscarriage hurt you emotionally and that you know he was looking forward to this baby...validate HIS feelings about losing the baby. I think this is one of his major issues right now.
4. Tell him you don't want to fight except to save your marriage, and ask him what he thinks each of you can do to better it for each other. Consider counseling. Tell him that you know he loves youTube...consider watching it with him...it can be entertaining for both of you. Find a show, or activity that you can do that you both enjoy together at night. See if you can take your son to the store, put him in a pack and play and help your husband do paperwork or inventory...if he can't afford to hire help, maybe he needs you and has this whole time and has been waiting for you to offer. Either way, you really need to step up and work hard to keep your marriage. Oh, and pray a lot because God is there to help you in all aspects of your life...He will give you guidance if you just ask! Let us know what happens!

I hope that you can get past your emotions long enough to read this response. 1) in the words of the scripture," better to have a corner of the roof alone, rather than share the house with a nagging wife." or, why would a husband want to come home to a cantakerous women? Let me offer you a different perspective, please keep reading...
rather than "He missed the birth of our child because he was working!" you should maybe concede that because he was so committed to provideing for you and his family that he had to sacrifice seeing the birth of his own child to take care of you and put food on the table.
2) God forbid that you don't have a great credit score so that you can finance some new jewelry or a car. What and awefull thought that you should have to support your own husband in pursuing his dream and a business that he loves, because you might have to sacrifice some manicures and new shoes. Lets remember that it take 2 to tango. The problem with your marriage is probably not his work, It just might be that he feels that the moment he steps in the door you are whineing at him that he woks to much, why didn't he call, why aren't you more important than averything else in his life...
You might try taking the next 30 days and everytime he walks thru the door Kiss him and tell him you are glad he is home. Bring him something to drink and don't ask him to do a thing. Call him in the middle of the day and not to ask when he will be home but just to tell him that you are thankfull that he works so hard for his family. You seem to be demanding that he meet your every need at the expense of his own, but I have a thought for you. YOU WERE CREATED TO BE HIS HELP-MEET. So are you helping -meet his needs?

I am so sorry you are going through this. First thing is, it does not help to gripe at him for not coming home. It just pushes him away further. I would suggest finding things to complement him on. Not unreasonable things, but something you can honestly complement him on. Such as,I see you are working hard to make a living for our family. You might also want to know if there are things you can do to help him out with the business. I know you already have your hands full with kids. But you are trying to make your marriage work. Marriage counseling could help in the future but I would not suggest it right now until he sees you appreciate him. Good luck.

You mentioned that things were really good when you got preg again. Once you miscarried that's when it went downhill again. It seems to me that the m/c was very hard for him and he is escaping from the pain by "working" a lot. I know that you experienced the same loss so you feel he should be understanding to your feelings, however men don't deal with their emotions the same way women do. For example, when my father-in-law had a small heart attack about 12 years ago it really freaked my hubby out. He lost his mother when he was 11 and he was thinking he could possibly be losing his father soon too. He became very distant, worked way more than he ever did before and was snappy with me. I felt he was taking it out on me. After about 6 months, when his father was doing really well, he started to perk up again. As hard as it is, I think he just needs some space and time to sort out his feelings. In the mean time, you can let him know that you love him and you are there for him. When he is there, let him know how much you enjoy his company instead of griping about the amount of time he spends away from home. If he does something good, even if it is something that you would "expect", praise him as if it was the most wonderful gift he could have given you. Such as, taking out the trash or something like that. When he does something nice for/with your child, make sure you let him know that he is the best daddy and your son is lucky to have him. Men need their egos stroked more than women do. They want to know that they are the best providers, we can count on them and that we couldn't imagine life without them.
I know it is hard sometimes but the end result is wonderful. I had to grin and bear it when my hubby was being a toot, but in the end he realized that he wasn't treating me right during his crisis and thanked me for hanging in there with him and being so understanding.
Say lots of prayers for God to put the words in your mouth for you to connect with your hubby again. Patience when you're frustrated and peace through the storm.
Good luck with everything and I am praying for you!!

I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It must be so painful for you both. Maybe your husband just can't deal with it or is dealing with it in a way that only makes sense to him. I think you both would benefit from marriage counseling. Go to a licensed professional or a pastor, whatever you can afford. It also sounds like you are very resentful of his business move. Money situations can be very stressful and it sounds like you feel you had no part in this decision process, even though it affects your life profoundly.

Don't try and figure this all out on your own. Get some help from a non-biased counselor. Your husband may have feelings he is just not sharing.

My first instincts say he may have found a woman companion, but, that is the woman in me coming out.
I think you guys need counseling, either through your church or through a therapist. You both have things you need to lay on the table and move past before you can rebuild a healthy relationship. There is too much on your road behind you that you have not overcame.

Y.,
I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you feel.
As far as your husband. Remember, you are not his mother. It is not your responsibility to scold him or control him. He is an adult with adult responsibilities, a wife and children.
I don't know about the cheating thing, but when a man starts acting this way, it can lead to that because the easy way out is to be with someone not judging him, who appears easy to talk to and where he can escape from everyday life.
I believe a marriage is a team and you either choose to work together or you both lose. Think about how a winning team acts. They support each other, encourage each other and understand when a player is having a bad day. When decisions are made, it is supposed to be in the best interest of the team, not the individual player. When your husband decided to get married, y'all decided to form a team. If you had a good, strong friendship in the beginning, pull from that and talk to him like a friend. Not like a disgruntled, nagging, controlling, judgemental wife. Im not saying to not stand up for yourself, but the only one you can control is yourself. Act like the spouse and partner you want.
Let him know he can talk to you about anything, that you may be upset with the situation, but you still love and believe in him and want to be on a winning team! He has to want the same thing as much as you!
Best of luck! Focus on what you can do, not what he is not doing and he will come around if it is not too late.

I just have one thing to add to your thoughts of accomplishing a healthy attitude/behavior relationship. Just remember that your husband is your best friend, and a partner taking the best care of you possible. If he needs time to himself ok, so long as he's behavin in his time. You will be fine! You are communicating and that is the key!

I feel very connected to what you are saying. My husband sounds similar as far as passionate about off roading vehicles, watching them for hours on youtube and insisting on his own business even though it has been rough financially!
It can be so frusterating when both people are so stressed out and both people want to be with each other but don't have the same interests or spare time.
Do you ever spend time with him at his work?
My husband would probably love to meet him, can you send me a message with the name of the business?
BLESS-Angela Peace

Y.... I am so sorry for your loss. It's only been a few weeks calendar-wise since it happened. Have you and your husband been able to talk together about it? Things seemed to be going well until the m/c and it's bad again except he's not yelling, now he's just not really interacting with you.

I am 37, have been married to my husband for 15 years, together for 18. We had a m/c in early '98 about the 2-month mark. (We finally had a DD in '99 and a DS in '03.) I had just suspected and was going to take a test that day. I hadn't even had a chance to tell him, yet. My DH was just as devastated as I was, but he felt he had to be strong for me. I felt that I was grieving alone and that he wasn't as affected by our unborn child. I was SO WRONG! We finally sat down and this is what I found out from him:

Even today, men feel that they're supposed to be strong and not show their sadness because it's not manly; that it's okay for you to show your sadness because women are supposed to be emotional, men aren't. The two of you need to be grieving together, not "alone at the same time". People outside the relationship tend to forget that the Dad feels the loss from a m/c just as much as the Mom. Some men think there is something wrong with them for feeling the loss so heavily. He may be feeling guilty that if he had been home more that it wouldn't have happened, or if he had argued less with you, or if he had done one of any of a million things then he could have helped prevent the m/c. He needs to know that there was NOTHING EITHER OF YOU COULD HAVE DONE. He may be unable to be in the house because he sees things that remind him of the baby. He sees your DS and thinks "his little sibling isn't with us" and "what would our angel have looked like?" He sees your abdomen and realizes that the baby isn't there. He sees your sadness and feels inadequate because he can't take the pain away that you're feeling. Men are "Fix It" beings. They see a problem and they need to "Fix It". He can't fix this. There is nothing he can do to "make it better". A lot of men don't realize that just holding us in their arms goes a long way to helping us. Plus he has added the business to his guilt trip. "If the business had been doing better, maybe this wouldn't have happened." "If I get the business running well and it's successful, then I can prevent this from happening again." "If I stay at the store, she won't have me to remind her of the baby." He may think that you'll recover better without him in the house. With love and concern in your voice, you need to sit down next to him, take his hand and ask HIM, "Honey how are doing? Can we talk?" If he's not ready to talk, ask if you can just sit in the same room together after your DS is in bed, you read or craft or whatever you like to do and he can surf the net or whatever. If he is willing, maybe you can suggest a grief counselor. Do you have a home church? If so, ask for someone to talk to. If not, find a counselor specializing in prenatal grief. There are support groups online for parents who have suffered m/c. If he's not ready, go on your own, he may follow. Approach every thing with love and prayer. The pain will never truly go away and I don't believe it hurts less over time, but it just won't always be at the forefront of your mind.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Well first of all I am so sorry about your miscarriage. Secondly, you didn't do anything to make your husband not want to be with you, he has something going on with him that is causing him to run from his life. I agree with the other ladies that posted that so much of this could be grief driven. I also think your husband could be dealing with fear of failure. I am reading a great book right now that says the basic question for a man is "Do I have what it takes?" Meaning their greatest fear is not measuring up to the standard or failure. It sounds to me like your man has made some unwise moves in the past and is facing failure and might not be dealing too well. I really think you guys would definately benefit from some counseling if your husband is willing. Talking to an unbiased third party is really helpful.
Aside from that, my best advice is pray. You can't change your husband and right now he needs some divine intervention. He is going through something but you still have needs. Pray for him, forgive him, and ask God to heal your heart. I know it sounds kind of hard to forgive someone who is currently hurting you, but it's OK you don't have to feel like forgiving just say it "God I forgive my husband for.." then fill in whatever you need to get off your chest. Just be honest, God won't mind. If you do that and mean it, a lot of weight will lift off you, you will feel better.
I am really sorry you are going through this. My heart just goes out to you so much. It really hurts to feel abandoned by the person who should stick by you no matter what. I'll be praying for you and you just hang in there girl! God really can make a way when everything seems so impossible.

When Men act this way there is a reason(not always another woman). Getting mad, yelling and having a fit will never get you any answers--trust me. If it is worth being married ti him --it is worth working on and you may need professional help. From experience--many times their actions are prompted from unresoved issues, which may go back before marriage and may not. Don't be surprised if it is some little bitty thing we as women think are so stupid--remember they are just boys-- when we yell and get mad they turn us out---Get your feelings under control and ask him to sit down and discuss these issues you are dealing with. It is one step at a time.

Hi Y.,

I love your name.

"So upset at Husband... why doesn't he want to be home w/me?"

If he is really working on the business, then he may be closer to going under than you think. You need to find out how the business is doing.

If he isn't concerned with the business, then the answer to your question is that the reason he's not with you is because he'd rather be with someone else. That's as simply as I can put it.

In honest sisterhood,
B.

My response will not make you happy, but perhaps it will give you some insight.

Being at home probably isn't very pleasant for him. He is supposed to be the "man" and taking care of his family. He is failing you and himself. You are nagging at him at home - been there, done that - but would you like to be in a place that just makes you miserable? He's obviously tired of the fighting too.

Do you have a job to help with the bills?

My first marriage ended ugly. I've learned things the hard way.

Your financial situation is scary for you (and probably him). I suggest going to the library and getting a Dave Ramsey book about achieving financial peace. You read it and get him to read it. It will change forever how you think about your money.

You should get some counseling. Even if he won't go, you'll get help in how to handle the situation. You have some hard decisions to make about your life.