On August 18 I gave birth to twins who joined my 2 1/2 yr old son. A week later I began hemmoraging and was rushed to the hospital and had an emergency hysterectomy. I was in and out of the ICU with additional complications and spent a week in the hospital.
I admit that prior to this I did EVERYTHING for my husband, including let him go out with his buddies at least 4 nights a week! I thought my husband seemed to be scared straights after my two brushes with death, but in the weeks since he has gone right back to the way things were. My mom and friends have been helping like crazy because I have lifting restrictions and was told I need to take it easy for at least 6 weeks. But once they are gone my hubby just sits on the couch and acts crabby. Sometimes he will just let one of the babies cry until I am free b/c according to him "he tried, but they wouldnt stop". I know that this is a major life change for him - it is for me too! Does anyone have any advice on how to stop enabling this behavior from him? Like I said I did everything for him before, but we now have three kids under 3 and I could use a little help- I can't even imagine what is going to happen when I go back to work!!!
Dump the loser! The last thing you need is another child to look after. You teach people how to treat you. My husband once told me ... J., I will tell you a little secret... A man will do whatever you allow him to do. And if you allow him to treat you with disrespect then you deserve just that. He is right. Tell him to grow up or get out... You need a man, not a boy.
It's time for him to put on his big boy pants and act like a man. You are not his servant or his mommy, you are his wife and partner. It's time he stopped going out 4 nights a week and hanging with his buddies. It's time for him to buck up and be a husband and a father.
Give him a list of chores that need to be done and tell him to start helping out or GET OUT!!!
Oh honey, I just want to offer my support. I actually have twins (now 13) born the same day! My daughter was three. My husband was similar. He didn't go out, but he sure didn't "get it" that things had changed drastically and he needed to step up. I had one kindly older lady in our church point out to me that I might not want to be so competent, so he could see where he needed to step in :) (and this was just from observation, I promise I wasn't grumbling, lol). I remember coming home from the grocery store at midnight after I got the babies all to bed and house tidied and he hubg out on the couch while I put groceries away!!! It took time for him to grow into his role. He is an amazing help now. The best thing I ever did was to make sacred two hours one day a week that I would leave and he would be in charge of the kids. I would just go to a coffee shop and stare at the walls, and breathe! It helped build his confidence, helped him realize how much it "took" and gave me the alone time I needed. Love and good wishes.
Well, he should have NEVER been going out with his buddies 4 nights a week after marrying and having one child, but that's in the past -and he better realize it! He has 3 kids under 3 and a wife with pretty limiting medical restrictions right now. So tell him -straight up -that it's time he started being a grown up husband and father -that he has to help with the kids -both NOW and when you're better! He's a parent -not a renter or a roommate. If he can't get behind doing his fair share, then you'll need to go to counseling. He truly ought to be ashamed of himself for being so lazy and selfish that he won't even help his own wife and children -especially after his wife almost died and has had MAJOR surgery. He needs a SHARP wake up call -and don't ever go back to doing everything for him. He's a grown up -not one of your children.
Has he EVER been helpful? If you have always babied him, then what reason does have to change for now? In his mind, you will still take care of everything, as you've always done, even though your family (and thus your workload) has expanded immensely. I see over & over again, where having kids is monumental & life altering for the woman, and the man... is not affected at all by having kids & continues to reap the benefits of being married with kids, while bearing none of the stress or responsibility. That's a deal breaker for me, personally.
Have you tried having a heart to heart with him? Have you straight up asked him for help? Is he open to that conversation? Have you told your family to back off, so your husband has the opportunity to man up? What about counseling?
Simple. STOP helping him. Let him fall. Make him a list of things you need and tell him I need HELP. Help ME!!! Do not lift a finger. Make him help you...you have to take care of YOU right now and he needs to get off his duff and help you! Its a shame you did everything for him before, but he has to wake up sometime and help. Also, tell the other people helping you to back off for a bit so your hubby can step up to the plate. He needs to do this for himself, and for your family. He is the leader of the family---LET Him LEAD! Good luck and hope this helps.
M
Personally I would tell him to buck up and be a man, and that means taking care of your kids. My hubby works wto jobs and still wants to play with our two year old as soon as he comes home. He has a family he needs to take care of, and there is a big difference between being a good husband and father and playing house.
Here is the thing, he is how he is. You never should have thought he would change just because things changed for you. it is awful but true, he will not change so the best you can do is try to find the support you need.
As terrible as this seems he is probably looking at it as why did you have more kids if you couldn't handle it.
I am not saying his behavior is correct but it is his. You can guilt him into to doing one thing or another but he will always revert back to his usual self. I think what you do not see is that you are still trying to be yourself and doing everything takes a lot of work but you are not trying to be someone you are not. You are asking him to change into someone he is not, it usually doesn't work.
Generally, men dont change but women do. You've treated him a certain way for quite some time and when you decide you dont want to do it anymore they freak out.
You'll just have to have a good sit down talk with him and tell him that you just arent the same person you were 3 kids ago and things have to change a bit. Hopefully he'll get on board. He probably sees you as invincible..... good luck with it. He sounds like he likes having a mommy rather than a wife. He needs to grow up a bit seems to me.
Time to sit down and tell him that although you love him and wish he could have the freedoms he once had, it is time for him to give a little because you need his help. You have to do it nicely though, as giving him demands and lecturing him will only upset him because, like you said, you never demanded this before...How can he know it needs to be different unless you tell him.....?
If you haven't, try asking him to help. Be specific. Tell him to do the dishes, put the laundry in the washing machine (I sort our laundry - I'm sure my husband can, but I also think I'm a bit picky). With our first baby, I spent a lot of time resenting my husband when he went out (rarely) or watched TV while I worked when the baby was sleeping. I realized that we really needed to talk about how our lives had changed. He needed some time left alone with the baby (and this was just one!) to see that I wasn't sitting at home doing nothing. Then he was more than willing to step up, and we were both happier. I hope it works for you like that, too. It's not all fun and sunshine, but hopefully you can find a place in the middle where you are both happy.
Also, I had my gallbladder out when my second was 10 weeks old (after a c-section). My husband totally didn't get that I needed taken care of. I wish now that I had said, "I'm really tired and I hurt. Please watch the kids so I can nap." I wasn't even on strong pain meds because I was nursing and didn't want to have to pump and dump for longer than surgery day!
Good luck. It's a hard time. You'll get through it:)
Time to grow up hubby and learn that his kids and wife come first, not his friends. Four nights a week is ridiculous for a married man with 3 kids. 1-2 times a month would be more than enough. Why doesn't he want to be home with you and the children? He sounds very selfish, and you've allowed it and contributed to it. My only suggestion is to sit down and have a heart to heart with him and tell him the life as he knew it is over, and he has to MAN UP and be a father and husband now, not a swinging single partier. If he doesn't like it, he will be kicked out. Good luck!
I have just come to the conclusion that some men are just freaking lazy about helping. Mine helps when he wants and the more i complain.....the lazier he becomes. I was up all night with sick children and to my surprise, he cooked breakfast and did the dishes this morning (but his dad is here, maybe he didnt want his dad seeing our aweful mess, Lol)
Maybe get a tablet sit with him and write out a schedule chore hat both of you can live with . men usually turn off their listening sensors, perhaps a visual written tasks might do the trick.
Sometimes men really disgust me and I sometimes fantasize that men weren't needed for procreation. I think women would be a lot happier with others like them, who can understand what a woman feels, thinks like and what she needs in ALL areas of her life.
Kick him out. Hes not helping anyways. 4 nights a week? Thats ridiculous!
