How Would You Have Reacted?

I had to bite my tongue off.
My SIL was here for a week and how she coddled her children ooooooooooo it was so frustrating. My teen daughters were even appalled at how the children behaved and how much their aunt would just look the other way or give in so fast.
I have to let my husband handle his sister, as I handle my mother.
Plus they were only here for a week.

Wow, my sons are 17 & 14 and I *just* stopped cutting their hot dogs a few years ago.

I'm not a huge fan of family vacations where large extended families stay in one house together (sounds like what you guys were doing?). My side of the family has done this many times (and it can be fun), but I like it better when we stay in close proximity to one another, but different hotel rooms, or houses, so that we can all retreat when we need a break.

When I encounter that situation I tend to try to ignore it, unless it's something really blatant.

You've got the two camps of parents...the hoverers (you) and the non-hoverers (your SIL). She has every right to parent her child as she wishes, as do you. You pointed out the hot dog choking hazard, what she does with that information is completely up to her.

Hopefully, when you see her the next time, her daughter will be 5. ;)

Okay, well sorry, but I'm kind of the same way!! My 22 month old son eats whole hot dogs, he goes up and down stairs by himself and he climbs on rocks. I'm okay with it. Yes, I do know about hot dogs, and I actually do supervise him as he's eating them, b/c I worry, but the bottom line is that his sister eats them this way, we eat them this way and he wants to eat them this way too. I feel confident that he can do it and as long as someone is with him while eating, okay. Additionally, he's been going up and down steps and such since he can crawl and at the beginning I supervised him extremely closely, but now he can do it by himself and I don't feel the need to be present each time.

My point here is that yes, it does sound like SIL maybe should have been a little more cognicent of some of the goings-on of her daughter, but I've caught a lot of flack from people I know about some of these issues and it's frustrating to me b/c it makes people think I just don't pay attention or don't care and that's upsetting. I think you did the right things by monitoring the hot dog eating and such, but remember that you aren't around them day to day and their norm might not be your norm but it doesn't necessarily make it dangerous and neglectful.

I guess I'm a bit of a loose parent myself. I can't remember what age my girls ate whole hot dogs without being cut up - but it's been for a while. (One is turning 4 end of Sept, one just turned 5). They have been climbing for a long time too. I let them do alot of climbing and others get nervous but they're ok. They are active kids. They did stairs at 22 months. They climbed rocks too, even went hiking with us. But I think we were a little more attentive. Also, I think yelling out "you're going to fall and get hurt" is stupid. It's first of all, negative. Second of all, lazy. You're either worried in which case you get up and stop or supervise them or, you're not worried, in which case you give encouragement, not negative comments.

Those are MY kids you're talking about ;) Not really, my kids are really very well behaved, but they can get wild. They know (and I've learned) what their limits are. Chances are, these kiddos pull the same stunts at home and are fine... it's going to take ONE TIME of 'that lesson learned' where they hurt themselves and don't ever do it again.

Don't have a heart attack over someone else's kids. I'm like you, I freak over other peoples kids... but let my kids get away with the same stuff, because I know they're capable, if that makes sense. Like my 7 year old can ride a surfboard (with me or dad in the water)... but if I saw someone else's 7 year old running toward the waves with a board I'd be like NOOOO, WHERE'S YOUR PARENT!?

If it happens in YOUR house, by all means, your house, your rules, put your foot down. On neutral territory, leave it to the parents. You're not their babysitter :) Breathe easy mama!

I think you handled the situation appropriately.

I'm all for letting a kid learn their lesson, but at 22 months this child still needs a parent to protect them constantly. And standing on furniture is not ever a good thing.

I guess this is why there are warning labels on everything. Sometimes I sit and read the warnings and think oh my gosh, do they really need to point this out. I guess this is why they do.

I don't think their is much you can say to SIL, you have already tried and it doesn't work. It will only create animosity with each other.

My sister has 2 yr old twin girls. I adore my sister, but her parenting style makes me insane. Just a few "highlights"...

- Pouring snack directly on the coffee table b/c they're going to spill it anyway
- Eating dinner with a plate "stationary" on the table and they just do a "drive by" and grab something
- The word "no" doesn't really exist. All of her parenting is "reactionary" and her main aim (in my observation) is to avoid a tantrum
- Chewing on an eraser is okay b/c they really like gum and when there isn't any, they'll find something similar. (I pulled it out of my niece's mouth b/c I just couldn't let this one go)
- Bedtime is arbitrary- whenever.

I could go on-and-on. Bottom line is, they're not my kids. I'm sure she thinks that we hover over our son way too much. I wouldn't say anything b/c it's really not my place to comment on her parenting style- mainly b/c I don't want to hear her thoughts on mine! My parents however, couldn't let it go and did say something. My sister was annoyed and her husband was relieved b/c he had been saying similar things to no avail.

The only thing my husband and I do is step in at that moment. I pulled the eraser out of her mouth. When one of them asks for a snack, I pour it into a cup. If I see something, I act on it but I don't point things out nor do I comment on her parenting after the fact.

The best part of it, though, is when she calls me upset that the girls colored all over the rocking chair with crayons! My first question (not voiced), why were a pair of 2 yr olds left alone with crayons long enough to cover a rocking chair? Hm... she'll learn some day!

i can see that you are coming from a caring place, but there is not much in life more annoying than someone telling you how to parent your child - imagine what she'd be writing on mamapedia about her SIL... i'm sure she loves her child, just as you love you child, and she's made it 22 months without your intervention. i'd just butt out - keep an eye on the little girl when you're together if it makes you feel better, but i don't think the SIL is out of line. my little girl has been climbing stairs unassisted since she was about 15 months old - i can't really speak on the hot dog issue, i think they're nasty, so we don't really eat them. realize that you parent differently, try not to nag or constantly point out what SIL is doing wrong as a parent(that will only push them away), and move on :)

I would have FREAKED out! My son choked on a chicken nugget 2 years ago when he was 2. (He popped one in his mouth before I could cut them all up.) He was turning blue, and gagging. Had to call 911, but thank goodness my father did the heimlich and it came out before EMS arrived. I would be just as worried about your niece as you, and quite frankly your SIL sounds ridiculous. She'd rather her child get hurt, than to remove her from a danger and teach her how she could hurt herself? Does she let her around a pool or ANY body of water without supervising her? Geez. Call me a helicopter mom and day, but I'd rather my child be alive and safe, than to get hurt or die. I think your husband should talk to her, but get ready for WW3 when that happens. Good luck!

I am a "bad mom"...my son who is three has been eating whole hot dogs for a while now. He climbs on anything that he can, whether I'm there in the room or not.

My daughter was is/was the kid you could say "if you do that you'll get hurt"...and she wouldn't do it.

My son if you say those words just says "oh ok"...falls gets right up and says "I ok, mom"...and does it again.

Yes I worry that one of these days he's going to hurt more than a bump or bruise, but I also know I could "remove" him from the activity, climbing, eating, etc...and he'd go right on back to doing it. Some kids are so strong willed that not even the fear of getting hurt will stop them.

At the same time he knows that the stove is hot and if he touches it, it won't be good. He knows that he's not allowed to talk to strangers, no matter what. He knows that the carseat/seatbelt is not a choice. He knows that he must be polite, and respectful...

Not answering your question here though...I guess I'm on the other side. And I am the "helicopter" parent...where as my husband (he works from home so he spends a lot of time parenting) is the "relaxed" one.
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I admit I was too 'hovering' with my kids, all 8 of them but then again kids are different too. I think our job as parents it to teach our kids to live in this life safely and yet to be free to learn at the same time, if that makes sense. I had some kids who I would not let eat certain foods uncut for sometime because they were chokers. Others chewed better and were better able to eat uncut food. I did have one choke on a hot dog though and that did make me very cautious of that food and other food like that. I also had some who barely went up and down steps, usually the kids where we lived without steps in the house or many to practice on, and others who jumped down them at 19 months old and were fine. You need to be the parent I think which means keep them safe and yet let them learn. That's our 'job' so it isn't easy to find the balance sometimes. It is sad though to see some little kids so bruised they look abused from parents just letting them 'learn the hard way'. I think that is not right to the child. You have to know your child.

There are all kinds of parents, and I learned early on not to let others' parenting styles bug me too much.
The hardest one to handle was a friend who's kids ALWAYS had a sticky juice cup in hand, they whined constantly and the TV ran loud all day in the background, not a fun house to have a play date at :(
You gave your opinion to your SIL, that's all you can do, let it go. You will encounter worse parents than that when your daughter starts school!

Parents are weird when you try to guide them... Especially family... You didn't say if she got an attitude about it... It didn't sound as if she did... But earlier, I had posted a story about how my daughter got her finger caught under the grocery store cart wheeled by ME letting her ride under the cart. In my mind... when I see other mothers allowing their kids to do the same thing... (I am always surprised to see how many clueless moms *including me* there are out there!) ;) Anywaaay, imagine my surprise when half the moms on this site.... told me that they would not want to be stopped and told... even if it was going to help avoid their little angels smashed fingers!!! Oh my! Can you imagine my surprise? If you go look up my question I posted a few months ago, some of the replies are hilarious which believe me I tried to make mention in my follow up comment.
But to answer your question....I feel when it comes to any child's safety, if you can help plant a seed of caution... you have done the right thing! Even if the parent doesn't respond to you the way you would like out of cluelessness or embarassment or defensiveness... hopefully they will remember next time. Short of giving them a gift certificate for a parent safety class you did all you can do!!!!
AND believe me... half the parents here will tell you to butt out... Geesh!
When my son was two, I and another mom of a two year old, were going to feed the ducks. As my son ran ahead... the other mother held her son's hand so tightly I thought it was going to turn blue! lol... She asked me with alarm in her voice if I wasn't scared that my son was going to run right into the lake?! I replied..."Well, no, why are you?" And she said "Oh yes! He would run right in!" And I wanted to say... well, my child has a brain..... lol. But she was right... her son would have run right in clothes and all while my son stood on the shore feeding ducks... she herded her wild child away from the water's edge the entire time we were there. I never fogot that. It was hilarious... All kids are different. My point is... my son wouldn't run out in the street either but I held his hand when we crossed the street and made him call me till he was about seven to cross him. I was not one of the moms who let their five year old play ball in the street with the older boys mainly due to the fact that I don't feel a five year old will know to move out of the way of a car turning the corner as quick as say a ten year old... We all know our kids but a 22 month old is not even two yet... and historically two year olds choke on hotdogs... kids riding under carts... get their fingers smashed. I feel that it is all retlative regardless if you are or not (lol) but a kid's safety is more important than an offended mom... and you have done a good thing by at least making her more aware regardless! Good Job!

If my nieces and nephews were climbing on kitchen cabinets - I would take them off and tell them that's NOT acceptable behavior. PERIOD.

if my brother or sister complained about all their boo-boos - I would be frank and tell them that if they paid more attention instead of lip service their kid wouldn't have so many boo-boo's...

When you look the other way with your family - extended or not - you are condoning their behavior...my nieces and nephews know what they can and cannot get away with around me...I'm all for fun...I love to laugh...but I don't like people to get hurt.....however, I'm all for climbing on rocks and boulders!!! Splashing in puddles and the like!! Kitchen cabinets and chairs? NO FRICKING WAY!!!

I didn't always cut up my kids hot dogs...if we were at a BBQ - I would watch them but not cut it up.

We just had a distant family member who was almost 3 die from choking on a hot dog. He was being supervised by a parent and siblings, but they were still unable to help him. My children are older now, but I was letting them eat hot dogs alone at that age too. It really just makes you think about all the things we let our children do that could harm them, but you can't protect them from everything. Now I feel different about the whole hot dog issue, but if someone would have told me I had to cut up my 3 year old's hot dogs, I would have probably thought they were crazy.

Your SIL told you that the issue with the hot dog never happened before, so just let it go. You don't know or see her child the way she does or as much as she does, so it's not for you to say whether her child is coordinated enough. Even children of the most attentive parents sometimes have accidents. Even if your SIL "complained" about the boo-boos that doesn't mean she should stop allowing her baby to explore. For some reason I think you are exaggerating some of this to try to make her seem worse and to try to make yourself seem better. Stop nitpicking your SIL's parenting and enjoy the few times you see them. What I do is I keep in mind that not everyone parents the same and I wouldn't want someone all up in my face or business about how I parent so, I say nothing.

It sucks to feel like you have to parent someone else's kid doesn't it? Therer isn't much you can do or say without offending them,since they will probably take it like you think you're a super parent and they are the world's worst. There is a mom at the football field that doesn't watch her 3 and 4 yo daughters at all. These little girls wander all over,the bathroom,the parking lot,and even the field where the boys are practicing and she just sits there. She will randomly call their names when someone asks where they are. My hsuband ususally takes the boys to practice but a couple weeks I had to since he was out of town working and it took all my effort not to tell this mom to pay attention to her kids. Another day my husband and I were both at practice together sitting in a secluded area where you can't see who is sitting behind the tree and the older girl comes over there and all I though was what if a pefiphile was over here that mom has no clue so I tell the little girl she should go see her mommy and she heads for the woods! (I have seen some strange men and teenagerscome out of there) I actually had get her away from the woods entrance and direct her towards her mother. I couldn't even feel bad for being mean since she could get hurt. My husband won't let me say anything to the mom though he said it's none of my business...I just keep one eye on the girls when I am there and can see them since the mom just wants to sit there and yell at her son on the field and not watch her daughters..
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Do you have more than one child? I am not asking to be mean, but with our first we were constantly monitoring EVERYTHING! We cut up everything to tiny little pieces, the binki was boiled for 1 minute if it fell on the floor. We were right there beside him as he explored the playground. We have both learned to relax- now that we have 6 kids! Some kids are naturally more active, but all need to explore and find their own limits. Not that I don't supervise them- I do. I'm just not right there by them to scoop them up for EVERY time they fall. They need to learn to get back up(I'm not an idiot about these things either. I don't go to the top of the slide with my 19 month old, I let her middle school brother go with her and I wait at the bottom to catch her) I cut her food up, but not into tiny pieces. The hot dog is cut in half(length-wise) the grapes are cut (or bitten) in half and she eats in her booster seat.
My sister in law got her (then) 4 year old son a 4 wheeler for Christmas one year- that is not something I would ever do for my children- but they ride 4 wheelers all the time and are very safe about it.
I think it's good that you speak up when you feel she is being "un-safe" with how she lets her kids play. But she does know her kids better and I don't see anything more than a difference in parenting really. But keep your rules if they are visiting(baby has to be in high chair to eat and here, do you mind if I cut up this hot dog for her? It will make me feel better. And no climbing on those rocks- we don't do that here).
Good luck!
~C.

well I guess i'm a bad parent, i let my 2 year old climb up on chairs to sit, i tell my son when he is goofing around on the couch he will fall and get hurt. and sometimes he does...and suprise suprise, he doesnt like to get hurt, so he doesnt do it again....we have to let kids learn there are consequences to actions. if you are constantly hovering over them and never letting them do anything then they dont learn they can get hurt. i talk about my son having boo-boo's, he is somewhat clumsy and he trips over stuff. at some point you have to cut the umbilical cord.

If you feel that you need to say something, always make sure you do it in a way that does not put the parents on the defensive. We all hate to receive unsolicited parenting advice (well, at least I do!) so unless you feel really strongly about the issue, I would let it go and realize that they just parent differently than you do. (some parents- me included- are in the camp of "let the kids climb on rocks, go up and down the stairs, etc. and let the children learn by experience". I never had baby gates in my house, for instance. My kids learned how to navigate stairs pretty quickly. Yes, they got a few bumps along the way. But they figured it out a lot faster than my friend's kids that were always gated in. I don't think that I was uncaring or irresponsible.) Anyway, if after considering that, you encounter a blatant safety issue, I think you will get best results if you back it up with an experience. For example..."Yikes, it scares me when the kids get so close to the fire. You wouldn't believe how many kids with burns from camping came into the hospital last week." or "Ever since I read about that drowning at the swimming pool, I make sure Susie is always within my reach at the pool." Wow, that just felt morbid to type! I think that putting your case that way will get the best result.

I must i don't think I have ever cut my 5 year olds hotdogs up! Then again I don't cook them either he will eat them cold on a bun with mustard...lol you can't tell others how to watch their kids unfortunatly! Would be nice to police parents sometimes wouldn't it? I let my son do whatever he wants at the park because he's playing! I tell him if something's not safe and if he continues and gets hurt well then he will learn. Sometimes...he has ran into walls 3 times now! Kids get hurt it's part of growing up you can't stop it protect them yes but you can't stop it

I have a brother whose child was, um, very emotional as a baby/toddler/preschooler. Tantrums (and just not the "norm" tantrums) and I was really bothered by this. Everything they did made it worse (there were other dynamics effecting it, too, since my SIL has RA and my brother tried to "protect" her and not having her parent, but she abdicated the parenting on her own a lot with out any assistance from my brother). I had the nerve to suggest maybe counseling (my brother, this toddler's dad, was in counseling as a child for his terrible temper....) or a parenting class so they would have more tools in their toolbox to deal with the child's out of control behavior..... BIG MISTAKE. It took a long time for them (particularly SIL) to forgive me for that.

In another case, with a particular prickly family member who often takes offense when none is meant and who holds grudges, it was clear that the sleeping patterns were physically effecting their youngest child's life and growth (no, I'm not kidding). The mom is a cardiac nurse, and worked the night shift, and would allow the then-6 yo to stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning on her nights off so they could "spend time together" even when the kid had to go to school. Lack of sleep actually affects growth, and his poor sleeping habits continue (slightly less bad now); he is the shortest kid in his class by _a_lot_. Anyway, I tried the subtle approach by approaching my brother (instead of SIL) with an article from the New York Times that talked about sleep & its lack & how it effects kids (among other things, human growth hormone is released during certain parts of sleep, so if you don't sleep enough as a child, you will not grow to your full genetic potential). My brother thanked me for the article, but utterly failed to grasp that his child was the unnamed reason. I should've been more point-blank, but frankly I will have to deal with this SIL for the rest of my/her life and I didn't want the feud.

I felt very slightly better for having tried, but mostly awful because a) it didn't change, and b) I still worry for the kids (fortunately, the toddler in the first instance has finally matured a bit and has better emotional control... at age 10....).

The hotdog thing, I probably would've said point blank, "You should be cutting up the babies hotdogs. They are a major choking hazzard." For the other (climbing/falling), I probably would've said with a smile, "I don't think Abby has any clue or ability to understand the results of her curiosity. She doesn't understand that she could fall and get seriously hurt; 2yos just don't get that kind of cause & effect. Have you thought about [putting up baby gates; not letting her climb on chairs; etc.] or redirecting her to some other activity?" Of course, I say this thinking, "Yes, but what if the mom is one of those that overreacts/gets angry/holds a grudge? What would I say then???"

I didn't read all the responses, but my son is the same way. He's going to do it anyway, so I let him. He climbs everywhere, and yes I'll remove him from really dangerous situations, and always say, 'you'll get hurt'. But some days it just doesn't matter.

The best solution that would be non-confrontational or judgemental would have been to say, lets go to the park. That way she could have climbed her heart out, in a somewhat safe environment.

The hotdog, well my kid is 24months and we still cut his up also. I also cut my daughters grapes up until she was 3.5, but my son has ate them whole since he was 18months. Every kid is different.

Its fusterating isn't it! They may let their kids do x y and z all the time and are fine it but I tense up about it and then I find Im watching thier child more from a distance just waiting for something to happen. At times when I know the out come isn't going to be good I just go and gently take them down or guide them to do something else.

This weekend we were at a family reunion and it kept raining on and off. While it would stop raining the kids were all playing on the playground. My cousins two kids were wild and WAY more "adventurous" than I was comfortable with. At one point the 4yr old was walking across the large plastic tube that connected a platform and the slide right after it rained. I went over to his mom ( who wasn't paying attention... kids are playing so let them play) and asked if she wanted him up there. All she said to him was you know your gonna fall, remember last time you fell from doing that and broke your arm. Then walked away. I was in shock! The tube was over 5ft up there, so I couldn't reach him. I wasn't going to try to get on top of it and scoot to him so I walked under it until he was off safely. I couldn't believe it. Its hard to bite your tongue sometimes and it makes you wonder how they made it this long with out something horrible happening! But they manage it some how.