How Would You Handle (Relationship Wiht Mom, Long Story)?

Often, when someone is in constant physical pain, their primary "relationship" is with the pain. Your mother's fibromyalgia, and now her depression, have taken over her life. She feels out of control and probably, understandable rage. I feel great empathy for her.

None of this is something you can fix. You have a family to raise and yourself to keep healthy, emotionally and physically. Decide what you can do, and do no more. Practice how to handle phone calls, listening and not trying to solve her issues. Practice visiting only the length of tie you decide to. Do not explain, negotiate or try to change someone else. Offer what you can, with all your love, and do not be emotionally blackmailed into any more.

By creating boundaries about what you can offer, you will be able to maintain a relationship to the best of your Mom's limited abiltiy. I can say all this from experience. The best part about this, is that you will be available for the long haul, and not have to cut off contact because you are too burnt out. Blessings on your wanting to do the best for your Mom. Strenghth and courage to you for actually doing what is best for your family.

Please read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Place boundaries. Protect your own mental health.

that really sucks. it's hard to deal with people so entrenched in depression, because they're rarely open to listening.
your choices are fairly stark. the best one is to gently and kindly but firmly create boundaries. 'i'm sorry your head is hurting and that dad left you alone. so what are some fun distractions you can think of?' 'mom, your friends probably love you and are frustrated that you're not taking care of yourself. there are medications that can help you deal with this, but if you don't want to take them, then you have to expect that you're going to suffer. but your friends probably want to talk about something positive, ya know?' 'the kids will love to learn some spanish from you, and so much about communication is NOT verbal.'
and most importantly- 'it'll be nice to visit you this summer, mom, but the kids and i are busy and have a lot of plans. i'm so excited that i've been able to clear our schedule for a whole week! when shall we come?'
of course it's hard to do that when it's your mom and she's so desperately passive-aggressive. do bear in mind that you going along with her isn't making her any happier, is it?
a frank discussion might be needed, but if you really think it will worsen your relationship, stay determinedly cheerful and just refuse to wallow in negativity with her, or to listen while she does it.
people like this can suck the energy right out of you.
khairete
S.

You can't help people who are more invested in their pain and misery than they are in life and their family. She has a self-imposed loneliness - her friends can't stand her, and apparently neither can your father. She says she wants to be left alone, but she doesn't really want that or she wouldn't be forcing a 4 week visit and constant phone calls.

She might need medication - we can't judge that because we haven't met her and we aren't doctors. There are some amazing things with new research in battling inflammation and immune suppression - there is a new product she can use for fibromyalgia that is manufactured under strict conditions and of high quality. I'm in this field and can help you with more info. A lot of people get results the next day, while others take a few weeks. But that's not going to solve all of her depression, although if she's pain-free she might be able to enjoy things more.

You definitely can't sit around for 4 weeks, and your kids should not be subjected to that. If you and they are her reasons for living in HER mind, that doesn't mean you need to accept that burden. Do not let her guilt-trip you into passing on more misery to yourself and your children. Your children will resent her, and you, for the rest of their lives. Do not do to them what your mother has done to you.

If they won't pay for your tickets unless you stay for 4 weeks, just don't go. You can tell your parents that the environment is too toxic for all of you, and that if they insist on living that way, you can't be part of it. I would consider going more often but for very short periods of time - depending on how far away your parents are.

She's getting a pay-off for her behavior so it's in her interests to continue it. And you are enabling her by being her only sounding board. Because she doesn't speak much English and the kids don't speak much Spanish, you have put yourself in the middle as her only relationship.

I think you can tell her that it's too much for you to visit such a sick person for 4 weeks and inflict more pain and stress on her. And tell her it's no good for anyone to be miserable for so long a period of time - not her, not your father, not you, not your kids. If you do go, you've got to get to the point where you walk out of the room when she complains. Give her 30 minutes, 15 if you can, and then say it's too stressful for her and you are giving her a break so she and her pain can rest. Leave every time. There is no purpose to all the talking - it cures nothing. She is creating and maintaining the divisions in the family - you don't have to participate.

I realize that there are cultural considerations but perhaps you can consult with elder services (depending on her age) or a local psychologist or social worker to see what therapies are available and what services could be provided in her own home (personal care people, cleaning help, etc.). Let her know that, if she's that sick and lonely, she needs help.

Your first responsibility is to yourself and your family. How can they be without you for 4 weeks? Do you take the children? And all of you live in this negative atmosphere? It's not healthy. I'd agree to go for a few days and not let her guilt you out of it.

I'd also tell her how her conversations make you feel. Give her a chance to alter her talk. I doubt that she can but it's not fair to not be honest with her. Do this now before the trip so that she has time to process what you say.

And when she calls limit your conversations to 10 minutes or so. You are not helping her by listening and you're harming yourself.

You are now an adult with your own responsibilities. It's time to let your mother tend to her own happiness. You know from experience that you listening or being there does not make her happy. Why torture yourself so?

My parents were judgmental about my life style. We lived 3 hours apart. I limited our visits to just 2-3 days most of the time. I did visit more often. I don't know how far away your mother lives. Perhaps shorter more often visits aren't possible.

My parents were hurt, at first, when I didn't plan my vacations around them. With time they grew to accept that I was now an adult with my own life. I suggest it's time that you find a way to live your life while also spending some time with your parents. Sounds like you're catering to your mother and her pessimism. It's time to call a halt to it.

You can let go of the need to be close to your mom and embrace your need to live your life free of so many negative thoughts. I suggest that with time you'll be needing the antidepressants. I did. Counseling helped me to recognize that I needed to have boundaries, especially with negative people. You decide how much you can comfortably handle and draw the line.

I couldn't stay for 4 weeks if my mom were like that. Sorry, but I couldn't. I don't think that you should either.

Tell her ONE week or you won't be coming. Tell her that something has to give, that you cannot stand the negativity, and that you can't stay for a month. Start NOW. She will fight with you until summer over it, and when she sees you will not waiver, you will have a plane ticket for a week.

If your dad is in the picture, talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. He might be of no help, but maybe he'll at least understand what is going on.

Quite frankly, I think that I would tell her that she has to find a therapist to talk to rather than to unload all of this on you. If you can't do that, put down the phone and let her talk to thin air. Just pick it up ever so often and say "uh-huh" and let her think you are listening. That will take some of the pressure off of you.

Dawn

I second what Christy Lee wrote about the book. Also, IF you really want to learn tools to actively deal with such matters, I suggest attending a 12 step co-dependent meeting. You ll be surprised at how many people there are in the same situation as yours. You ll meet people who are still struggling but also many who found recovery and ways in which to deal with controlling people (which your mom is by way of controlling you via her illness) ...
My mother who was an alcoholic who never took responsibility for her negatives actions and NEVER got help for her depression blamed everyone else for her problems... To her dying day, she never uttered an apology to anyone... she was firm in believing that her family and friends caused her great misery.. Thankfully, I discovered self-help books and positive ways of thinking and being so that I wouldn't allow her guilt trips to bring me down (at least not more than she already had done when I was younger)
I really think a 12 step group where there are folks for whom you can relate would possibly be a great idea.. Also, would show that you aren't alone .. BEFORE I would considering a visit with her for FOUR weeks.. I'd definitely arm myself first with some information and tools that would allow me to better deal with her negativity.

Also, there are many things she can do for herself to help with the Fibromyalgia ... see the net... it's loaded with good info.. Drmercola.Com is a good site to begin with.. but she of course has got to want to do something..

I wish you all the best

Go visit her the whole 4 weeks, but make some fun and a cultural holiday for all of you. Make your children connect and learn their culture. Cook with her etc.

I think you are talking about my mother! I mean when she died, she had her burial dress hanging up with a note. The note was yellow it was there so long! I never could figure out the right way to handle her. Nothing worked. So I feel your pain. Four weeks, one of us would have been dead. I say go for a week. Kids are busy and you cannot do more than that.

I would keep as busy as possible if I was forced to visit. Keep some sort of schedule if you spend the day at the house, so she'll see your mind is always on something else, like time to make breakfast, time to go for a walk, quiet time, time to read, time to play a game together. But plan day trips and projects. That way, you'll have something to do everyday and have something different to talk about each day. And also, your kids will have great memories of going to grandma's house, whether she does things with you or not.

I feel so badly for her. Fibro just hurts to be living. A touch could feel like sand paper. A hug feel like your about to be crushed. Its really a suck way to be alive. Bring your sunny happy self and take breaks away from the house. Either to explore or to show your children the area. Take pictures to show friends. But say you need to reboot and have an hour or three to get some things done. Go for a walk each morning. I am sure youll hear lots of guilt and "wish i could go for a walk". Kind of talk. But say you will be back soon. Pick some wild flowers on the way. Take pictures for her. to explore. Riding in the car is alot on her body I totally understand she cannot travel. 4weeks is too long. 2 weeks is reasonalbe for myself but you set that bar for yourself. 3 days is too short espically when she needs our happy spirt around her. IDk if this is right for you. You decide.