How Do You Handle a Person Who Is Depressed and Is a Major Hypochondriac??

This is tough and you DON'T sound at all heartless. It's tough, but you can choose how and when to interact with her as it's effecting you negatively. Either explain to her that you are busy OR tell her when she gets overly negative you have "to go" - or be very direct and let her know you love her and you want to talk w/ her, but it's draining to always have a negative conversation. I have a family member like this and I challenged them to only say positive things and never again use the words "should have"... to no avial however! BUT what I did learn is that you cannot change or control her or what she feels or does. Being supportive doesn't mean being a doormat. Setting boundaries is healthy for both of you. Good luck!

my husband suffers from anxiety and hypochondria. It can be really trying. He needs medication and therapy. When he stops one, I can always tell. The therapist should be working with her on coping measures. And the worse thing out there for hypochondriacs is the internet. My husband has had many different ailments that he self diagnosed via the internet. The sad thing is that he actually did have appendicitis but we all ignored him because of his constant whining about his different ailments. Now he doesn't trust us when we tell him he is fine. It is also important to get her a good general practitioner. My hubby has had several that don't know him and buy into his fears by running useless tests. The one I have now seems to see through it and tells him to go home and come back if it keeps up, which it usually doesn't.

My sister is manic/depressive. I knew that for years as she had all the classic symptoms, but she was either undiagnosed or in denial. About a year ago she called me up and said "Wow, I just got diagnosed as manic/depressive. I never knew" I literally said "Well, duh, of course you are".

She is on meds now and the difference is lovely. We talk daily, she is supportive when I need her to be, I have a sister that I never knew before. Before the diagnosis it was a chore to talk to her. It was always about her, her problems, her everything. Once I got "Hi, how are you" out, there was no dialogue in our conversation. So, I limited the time I spent talking to her. Which was sad, but had to be done for my own sanity. Oh, we still talk about our issues, but now we talk about OUR issues, not just HER issues. Plus, I really don't miss the hysterical crying jags - and neither does she. :)

Encourage your sister to go to therapy. Mine does and it is helping her. We make our own reality and if your sister is only focusing on the negative she will never make a happy reality for herself. Negativity breeds negativity. But, all you can do is encourage and guide and try to lead by example. If she starts complaining about work, you counter with "Oh, but you have such a great job". If she complains about her neighbors, you counter with "Oh, but you live in such a beautiful home", etc. Share recipes that "you love" but that are low calorie and heart healthy, talk about positive things only. Have you ever told her, outright, that she is negative and it drives you crazy?

But know that, ultimately, only she can change the way she behaves. You can only control your reaction to her.

Good Luck and God Bless

After reading many of the responses to your post, I think that the next time your sister has a major issue that she is stressing about like weight, why not tell her about Mamapedia? Have her post her issues on here. I think it's a great site for women in general. She can always remain anonymous. Maybe she could even search a topic on this site's search engine for advice. I'm hoping that just maybe if she reads some of the wisdom from the wonderful women on this site, it could turn her life around?

I think it's worth a shot:)

M.

I understand.
Family can be more difficult than friends because we "choose" our friends meaning we may choose people more like ourselves.
Be glad you live in different areas.
Limit your talks w/her so she doesn't drag you down on a daily basis.
When online, can you make yourself invisible so she won't try to "chat" w/you and you can still be online?

You are probably the last one left to vent to. I have a friend like that. She would constantly complain and do the "woos me" act. All her friends put up with her for years, but slowly, one by one, started to drift away. They were tied of the same complaints and feel sorry for me attitude. I was one of the last one's and finally spoke up one day. She was complaining how no one cared for her and that all her friends were avoiding her.
I took her out for coffee and had a long heart to heart with her. I told her her friends will be there for her but she needs to stop the constant whinning or she will alienate herself from everyone. Everyone has problems in their life, but playing the pity game is not the way to resolve them. I was calm and loving when we talked, and although she was a little hurt in the beginning, I made her understand that I was talking to her about it to help her. She was later glad that I sat her down and discussed it before she lost all her friends. She went to the doctor, got her depression meds changed and is doing great. She still vents a little now and then, but not as negative all the time. I am no longer afraid to ask how she's doing! All her friends came back and she is much happier.

I feel your pain, my sister has been like this. Luckily he's in better place in her life (new baby, new husband) but she still tends to go very negative and shrieks in woe over seemingly small stuff. I had a lightbulb moment a couple years ago, while I was putting in a lot of effort to look at how I was handling her. Drawing boundaries are key, but I also noticed that when I stopped "trying to encourage" her and simply listened and sympathized, she would ease up. It's possible your sister could be the same -- that when you try to show her the upside and MAKE her perk up she will fight it. But if you say "that sounds really hard, I can understand why you'd struggle with that..." she will feel validated and be able to breathe a little deeper and slower, then get HERSELF to the more positive place. If you think about it, when she comes to you with a problem and your immediate response is to tell her how to fix it, or worse to point out how she messed it up in the first place, then the message she head is that she can't handle it. She's already failed. But if she hears sympathy and understanding, she's no worse than anyone else and can face it with your emotional support. I don't know if this makes sense, but it has actually made a difference not just in our relationship but I think for her self-esteem. Good luck, lots of deep breaths!

You have my sympathies.

Sometimes, it's time for that friendly suggestion: "You know, it might really help you if you had someone to talk to about this stuff."

She might then say "Well, the only person I have is you"

To which you reply with what you told us: You know, I feel very frustrated, because even when we are done talking, nothing I say seems to make you feel better. Maybe a counselor could help you. I love you, and I'm beginning to feel like this is the only part of our relationship and it makes me sad. I'd like to be able to connect around other things too."

Or something like that.... I hope you find the words.
For what it's worth, much earlier in life a good friend had the same conversation with me (when I was 25 and clinically depressed), and as much as I didn't want to hear it, I have since thanked her several times for her thoughtful suggestion. It was a loving way for her to tell me that I needed more than she could give. Nice to be way past that. It hurt to hear, but it was the best thing I could have done. If you give your sister permission to invest in herself-- and her happiness--in this way, it might help.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. I'm sending you a hug-- hard stuff!
H.

Sadly enough it's a real fear for her in her mind. One way is to counteract that fear with the facts. She needs reassurance that what she is thinking is not so. The fact that she worked before in forensic science, is single, overweight, feeling stuck in a rut is very real especially when you can't see an end out. I know it seems annoying, but continue to change the subject when you talk to her, answer her fears with the facts and encourage her that it will get better for her in time.

If you are not far away, send your kids to spend the weekend with her so they can help take her mind off herself and on someone else.

Send her humor or jokes

Find inspirational things and email them to her.

If it doesn't make her more upset, research on others who are going thru the same thing like her and send her the stories.

Everytime she talks about a heart or other medical problem, find something alive and positive to counteract that - don't play along with sympathizing with her or saying you understand, just feed her mind with the facts of the good things happening outside of her thought process. Good luck.

Whoa--is your sister my MIL? LOL
They sound very similar and while my coping tactics work for a MIL/DIL relationship, idk if it would be acceptable for a sister/sister relationship.
I minimize contact.
I ask factual questions.
I do not respond to complaining.

That's a hard situation. You obviously love and care about her and you want to help her. From my own personal experience with my mother who sound a lot like your sister I've learned that you can't help someone change unless they want to. With my mom she lives for negativity. When I call her to tell her something about one of her granddaughters she'll usually respond with something that must be wrong with her and not address the real situation. It's usually their must be a medical problem that I must look into. It gets really old and unfortunately It's hurt our relationship. The only thing that I've been able to do about the situation is when she needs to vent about what ever I'll let her (hopefully it won't take long) and change the conversation. I've had to limit our calls because she's a dooms day'r and will really drag me down with her.

My advice is not to try to change her just love her. You may be the only one she feels she can talk to seeing she's alone. It's hard I understand.

Updated

That's a hard situation. You obviously love and care about her and you want to help her. From my own personal experience with my mother who sound a lot like your sister I've learned that you can't help someone change unless they want to. With my mom she lives for negativity. When I call her to tell her something about one of her granddaughters she'll usually respond with something that must be wrong with her and not address the real situation. It's usually their must be a medical problem that I must look into. It gets really old and unfortunately It's hurt our relationship. The only thing that I've been able to do about the situation is when she needs to vent about what ever I'll let her (hopefully it won't take long) and change the conversation. I've had to limit our calls because she's a dooms day'r and will really drag me down with her.

My advice is not to try to change her just love her. You may be the only one she feels she can talk to seeing she's alone. It's hard I understand.

Updated

That's a hard situation. You obviously love and care about her and you want to help her. From my own personal experience with my mother who sound a lot like your sister I've learned that you can't help someone change unless they want to. With my mom she lives for negativity. When I call her to tell her something about one of her granddaughters she'll usually respond with something that must be wrong with her and not address the real situation. It's usually their must be a medical problem that I must look into. It gets really old and unfortunately It's hurt our relationship. The only thing that I've been able to do about the situation is when she needs to vent about what ever I'll let her (hopefully it won't take long) and change the conversation. I've had to limit our calls because she's a dooms day'r and will really drag me down with her.

My advice is not to try to change her just love her. You may be the only one she feels she can talk to seeing she's alone. It's hard I understand.

My ex MIL was like that too. She was a large woman, sz 24 petite, had diabetes, and arthritis ended up with a heart condition. After my son was born and weaned I took a good look at myself and decided I needed to take off the baby weight and get in shape. This woman said to me 'it's so easy for you the weight just dropped off ...' After listening to that and her constant complaints for another year or so I finally looked at her and said 'you are an intelligent woman who is educated and well read, we both know the biggest issue here is your weight, so stop complaining about it and DO something about it, I'm sick of listening to it' . That stopped her in her tracks. She never complained to me again. She didn't lose the weight or try to help herself but at least I didn't have to listen any more. I am one of those people who will hold your hand and help you but only if you help yourself--I can't do it for you.
That said: your sister needs an intervention. She needs counseling for her weight and negativity issues. You said you live a distance away any chance you and the other sister or dad can go visit her and tell her to get help or have her involuntarilly commited to a mental health ward? She may need medication for any number of mental illness isues. Sometimes tough love is the best love.

Oh dear. I had a friend like that. The worst part with my friend was that she wouldn't just let me listen and sympathize, she would ask me what to do, and when I would give her my best advice, she would instantly say, "Oh, that won't work." And then the very next time we had lunch together, she would ask me again. And I would say the same thing (because it was truly my best advice) and she would shoot it down again. We're no longer friends, and that was part of the problem. I just couldn't take it any more.

If your sister will let you just listen, then listen to her. Set time limits for yourself, say 15 minutes a day. That's it. After the 15 minutes are up, if she is still complaining, tell her you have to stop chatting and get offline. And then get offline. You only have so much patience, and I can tell yours is running out. Maybe one day she'll notice that if she isn't complaining, you are able to stay online and chat longer, and that may change her discussions with you. Meanwhile, reward yourself for spending that 15 minutes listening to her. After a whole week, get yourself an iced latte (or something you really like but wouldn't normally splurge on). Or get your nails done. It's just so hard to see people we love unhappy, but as you say, only your sister can make the changes she needs to make. Until she does, the only thing you can do is listen to her, hard and frustrating as that is.

I hope this helps.

wow girl- that is a rough situation. This isn't like a friend of yours that you could just let her have it and if she gets mad you can just walk away.

From what you have said, it seems like you are doing everything you really can. Encouraging her and trying not to let the conversations dwell on what is wrong. Maybe the anti-anxiety drugs will help her feel better. It also sounds like her weight could be a major contributing factor to all her 'illnesses.'

Since you don't live close-by, the best advice i have for you is to see if you can convince her to get some counseling. see if she will open up to someone about why she always feels like she is sick. I have relatives that have to be the center of any situation, one-uppers, very "woe is me" kind of people and sometimes it is just being honest by telling them- I understand you don't feel well and that you have issues, but telling me about them ALL the time is really draining on our relationship and I would love it if we could have a conversation about all the good things that happened today.

good luck! hopefully some honesty will be the best thing for her!

Well you can take a chance and tell her how you feel or you can back out of this unhealthy relationship. Or maybe do both.
Sadly some people are toxic and not healthy to be around and sometimes it's family. That doesn't mean that you have to not speak to her but you need to monitor your contact with her and just simply back off. Although sometimes in some situations you do have to stop all contact even if it's your family. It's not only bad for you but bad for your own family as well. Stop with the advice and pep talks and keep it short. Send your love and walk away from the long chats. Make yourself not as available and find a different way to spend your time.
Having a relationship out of guilt is not a relationship at all. It's all one sided and all about the "other" person.
Best Regards,
C.

Is it me? Are you talking about me? Just kidding.

Seriously, can your computer go in for repairs for 2 weeks? Then you CAN't have that contact. Maybe she will have to face it if she is not getting to whine. You could not answer your phone and you would have to turn the answering machine off.

My MIL is like this and frankly I can't stand it. Whenever someone is diagnosed, she pretends she might have it too. It is sick that she fears they are getting attention that should be going to her. I have to tell myself she has been diagnosed with a real mental illness and she is not going to change. Also, she is not trying to drive me nuts, though I swear it feels like it.

She needs to redirect her worries. Her worries are probably the key to her health issues, depression and her weight issues. See if you can encourage her to start a walking program, either on a treadmill or around her neighborhood. Send her some upbeat songs to jam to...

Maybe you could start a little competition in the family to see who can walk longer either miles or time wise each day.

I think once she starts walking and gets the worrying under control, other things will fall into place. Its really hard to stay mad or worrisome when you are concentrating on walking/marching and breathing at the same time!

Good luck
M.