How Would You Handle? - Boise,ID

If money is tight then i wouldnt spend anything extra. it shouldnt be about what you spend on her or any child anyway, its about spending time with them in general. You could go to a park, have a picnic. go fishing etc. there are plenty of ways to spend time together and not have to spend money. Good luck

I say you should take him to the camp. Why penalize him because you have no money to take the girl anywhere? You don't have to treat them equally. To do so is unrealistic. To do so opens the way for disappointment in life because life isn't fair.

Even if you're thinking you have to treat them equally, you're not paying for the camp. It's a gift and should be accepted gracefully.

Your husband can have a good time with his daughter without spending money. Take a picnic to the park. Go to a second run movie. They cost less than $3. It's spending time with her that counts. There are less expensive camps thru your city's Parks Bureau.

If she says it's unfair, remind her she's going somewhere with her mother while your son won't be going any place else. This is his special time. The trip with her mother is her special time.

I would think that she'd be happy to have that one on one time with her father without brother being involved.

I agree she doesn't have to have something "equal." She is old enough to start learning that things are not always going to be fair and equal. Also, it would be a great time for the two of you to do things together like cooking, baking, practice a sport she likes to play or board/card games, just the two of you or with your husband.

I agree with you. My son and SD are the same age. They're both 14 and both live with us FT now, but in past years she lived with her mom and spend weekends and a few weeks over the summer with us. During one of those summers, my husband enrolled her in a theater camp and she went every day for two weeks. My son didn't have a similar activity but he was fine with it. If it's only for 2 days, see if she can bring a friend to your house for those days and then those days will be special because she gets to have a play date without her brother around during both days and can maybe have the friend sleep over, which was always a big deal to our kids, especially at that age. That way you're doing something special and cool, but it doesn't have to cost you anything.

Our two oldest are very used to the fact that they both don't get to do the exact same thing at the exact same time. As long as it evens out over the long term, there's no need to spend money you don't have just to keep things "even." If I were you, I would really play up this opportunity for her to have some fun with a friend without him around all day.

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"This is something his dad is doing for him... just like your mom took you to Disneyland. But he's only going for 2 days, when you got to go for a week. We'll have a girls day in and paint nails and bake cookies."

If life was fair we'd all be bored to tears ; )

This is a gift to your son, you're not paying for it, surely there are things she gets that your son doesn't so by her thinking this would be unfair to your son. Tell her just that, in a nice way, she's old enough to get it and start learning that not everything is "fair" across the board. Your husband needs to accept this, too.

There are so many free and low cost things for children to do in the summer, take advantage of them, and not just the weeks she with you. Libraries have programs for children, theaters have $1 movies, there's free bowling, free concerts in the park, look into what is offered. And the time could be spent one on one with her, something she wouldn't usually get when she visits, making homemade playdough or sidewalk chalk, cooking and/or baking, inexpensive crafts from items you already have, reading, going to the park, etc. What is going to leave a lasting impression with her is not the money spent on her, but the time and the memories made.

If you are going to a park near accesible swimming water, that would probably be fun enough for her. She's 8, parents don't have to be as materialistic as they someties think they do.
If you have a digital camera, you could spend a few hours doing a "photo shoot" of her and Daddy and then have her help go through photos and make a scrap book.
When you don't have a lot of money, if you get a little creative, you can have just as much fun as a pricey theme park.
Children like to feel special in front of their parents and the biggest gift is our time and undivided attention, 8 is an easy enough age for Dad to impress without all the expensive bells and whistles.

Other posters here are right -- it's important for both children to learn and understand that life is not going to be this perfectly fair, perfectly balanced, always "even" score between them. If one gets X, the other should not necessarily get X. You and your guy will have to accept this YOURSELVES first, though. If the kids realize that you and dad are feeling conflicted and guilty over one child not getting what the other one has, believe me, even if they are the nicest kids in the world, as they get older they will at times use the adults' guilt to get things they want.

Also: Your So What Happened mentions that dad "tends to baby" daughter sometimes. Please, please work with him to end that. He is in serious danger of becoming "fun dad" -- that guy who lets the child do anything and everything when she is with him because he feels guilty he doesn't see her all the time. Fun dads are great from the kid's perspective -- who doesn't love a great outing every single time they're with someone! -- but fun dads do a lot of damage to their own relationship with the child. The child will learn that dad is pretty much nothing but a source for entertainment and material goods, and will be less and less able to accept discipliine or "No" from dad. Fun dads also damage their ex's relationship with the child, because the child feels like this: "Why can't mom be fun and say yes to things like dad does? I'd rather be at dad's where I don't have chores, don't have to get up early, etc." One parent becomes the bad guy and the other the all-fun, all-the-time parent, and both households suffer.

And with that said...Be sure BOTH children are equal and balanced in one thing: Your expectations of them in your home. Both should have age-appropriate chores they must do; both should be expected to show the same level of respect and listening; both should have the same sorts of schedules when they are with you, alone or together (don't let one sleep in every time while the other is expected to be up and busy, for instance). THAT is where dad needs to ensure balance. But if he wants to coddle his daughter, not only will your son see that and feel angry and slighted, but his daughter will become harder to handle.

So...no, dad should not spend money he does not have in order to make his daughter feel "equal" because son was given a gift. Sure, take her to an inexpensive nail place for an hour as a treat, or just out for ice cream (not every day!), and to the park a lot. But don't frame it as "we're doing this BECAUSE Joe is in a cool camp and you're not" and don't frame it as "We're doing this to make up for the fact Joe's in camp...." Let it be about "We're happy to spend time with you and anything we do together is great." But don't haul her off on a trip just because dad feels you must. Besides, why teach a child that it's OK to spend what you don't have?

Doing something special for her doesn't have to mean money... just spend one on one time with her! Make cookies or cupcakes. Have a tea party! Run through the sprinkler with her. Draw chalk pictures with her, have a dress up party! Maybe see if she has a friend that can come over for the day or let her have a sleep over!

I would explain that this is something the other parent has set up and paid for so he has to go. They can't always have things be fair. SHe is going on vacation in a couple weeks and he isn't so this is his fun thing.

Life sometimes is unfair. You can explain to her that it is someone else paying for this camp for your son and that if you could afford to send her you would. Tell her you will have fun each day going to the park, getting popsicles, playing in the slip n slide (or whatever you have), etc. while her half brother is at camp. Really, this is a great opportunity for her to get special one on one time with you and her Dad. Remind her that she gets to do cool things that he does not get to do at times in life...give examples. Then don't dwell on it anymore. My stepmom wanted everything to be "fair" and she would not allow my dad to spend any time with my brother and I because she thought it would make her two daughters feel left out. He was not allowed to take us to do anything or spend any money on us. As a result he just never really took the time to really get to know us and also made us feel like we were not important to him. I realize this is different than your situation, but the whole "fair" thing can really get messed up at times.

You don't have to spend money on her, just do something fun. Your son can attend the camp without her going too. My kids often do different things during the summer. What do you normally do with her when she comes? I would keep the normal things, add a trip to the park and leave it at that. If you don't make a big deal out of him going to camp she won't realize she is missing out on something.