How to Tell Mother-in Law We Do Not Feel Comfortable with Her Watching the Kids

i would just visit with her with the kids and not let her watch them. It is you and yoru hubby choice and what if womething happened to the 2 year old? I know how fsst they can run.
good luck T.

This is such a sensitive subject, meaning a talk with her would probably be so upsetting. My grandparents were about her age when i lost them. You never know how much longer you are going to have her. I love the mom's advice about visiting. She would be so thrilled to see them and would probably not miss the babysitting.

I am not trying to be mean but what if you were in her shoes. I see that unfortunately she is not the typical grandparent age of a two year old or even a 10 year old in some cases. She wants to try though which is wonderful. You need to come up with some inventive ways for her to be helpful.

I hope you can all resolve this peacefully and i wish you luck.

Dear J.,

There is a song you should listen to by Bill Withers called "Grandma's Hands".

Both of my grandmas died by the time I was 10 years old. To this day I am not close to my mother, so I feel a huge loss in my life that I did not have them longer. My daughter's beloved grandpa died when she was eleven and she feels the same way about that -- a huge loss.

I am a grandma now myself and I adore my grand daughters. My daughter doesn't always understand my ways, and I don't always agree with her when it comes to the children. But we have come to a place now, where we respect and value the relationships that the children have with each of us. Your children are rich to have so many people who love them in their lives. If I were you, I would keep emphasizing the positives in conversation with my husband and with my children, and make sure that the negatives do not have a chance to happen. Your husband will love you for it and so will your children.

N

DO NOT have a talk with her!! Oh my goodness, you will alienate her in a second, and that will hurt your husband more than it will you. Just don't leave your kids with her anymore. Simple as that. Visits will include you or your husband from now on. You can always drop your 10 year old and tell her how much you appreciate her watching him so that you can do something alone with your two year old. She will probably not even notice the change.

Grandparents do things differently and it is a-okay to let them spoil the child a little! Gum, maybe not. But junk food, occasionally, is really okay.

Hang in there and try to relax with her. I would hate to see her alienated from your husband and your family. SO many wives do this and I think it is sad. I am hoping that my boys marry girls who will not turn them away from me. It is my single biggest fear.

Good luck!

Maybe I'm not understanding why she is watching the kids (from your post it sounds like it is not for work purposes), but O. way to get the best of both worlds (grandma gets time with the kids AND you can stay in charge) is to VISIT with her on a weekly basis. Either have her to your house or pack up and go there to hang out for a meal or for a few hours...grand parents do things differently--yes, that's true, but unless your kids are in real danger, what's the harm? I don't know if a "talk" is really in order. Again--not sure why she is baby sitting and if it's absolutely necessary. Is she just doing it to give you guys some time alone? So you can work? It's great that she loves your kids and wants to be with them!
O. caution: Don't let this get between you and your husband. Things like this tend to grow resentment over time.

Hi J.! I have to say that Barbi W.'s post was so rude and she made so many uncalled for assumptions! I am so sorry you have had to deal with some of the people on here!

The main thing is that she doesn't listen to you and puts your kids in a dangerous position. She would probably do that even if you were present. I would definitely address that.

Just letting the elderly do or say whatever they want just because they are old is not healthy. They are to be treated the same as any adult. They need boundaries the same as anyone and if they are disrespectful, they need to be called on it, JUST like the rest of us!

As far as gum chewing goes. Why shouldn't you? When my kids were too young to chew gum, I would just give them a tictac whenever I would have a piece of gum.
Hang in there! You have valid concerns and people here unecessarily attacked you.

Hi J.,

I just wanted to say I'm in your exact situation. My in-laws are in their 70's and they are nuts about our kids, they call all the time with offers for babysitting and sleepovers. If I say no, even with really good reasons, they get angry and call more frequently. After the last sleepover some things happened and I concluded that I can't leave my kids alone with them anymore for any extended period of time. I have just decided we will have to commit to weekly visits, it is tedious for me but it is what I would want my kids to do when I get aged. Good luck with your decision and situation.

If you don't trust your 2 year old with her grandma alone then dont leave her alone with her.
Why bother to hurt a 74 year old. She will not be around forever and it is not like she will change her ways if you talk to her.

If I dont like a babysitter I just stop using them and find someome else.

You husband is going to have to take some responsibility here. You have 2 choices: 1. )stop leaving your kids with her and don't tell her why, or 2.) your husband sits down and have a serious conversation with her about your rules AND she follows all of them or she doesn't babysit them again. Why isn't she doing as you ask? Does she think she knows better? Does just give in because she's to tired to fight? You need to get to the bottom of the question, and your husband has to be the one who does it.

Regardless, I'd try to make sure she gets plenty of supervised time with them.

Hi there,

I understand where you are coming from because sometimes I do not feel comfortable leaving my kids with my mom.

I don't feel like I can give you any good advice as to how to deal with your MIL. However, I just wanted to give you advice on the gum thing. Just tell your daughter, "No gum." Just because she has had it once or twice or whatever with your MIL does not make it right. If you are then concerned about you chewing gum, well then stop doing that in her presence. Do mints instead; something where she cannot see or hear you and is therefore not reminded of her not being allowed to chew it.

In my opinion, you're allowed to go back and change rules. Especially if you find that the rules could be dangerous. You don't need your daughter choking on gum. Take it from someone who had a relative die in her arms from choking. (Not gum, but you get my drift.) Digesting gum is not good for your organs. You are human. Kids don't come with a manual. We make this stuff up as we go along, and sometimes we make mistakes.

Good luck. I hope you get the MIL situation resolved. It's always a tough one when it is not your mother.

T. :)

Hi J.,
I don't envy your situation at all but you have to do what is right for your children ASAP. You are in a very sticky situation and I would have to guess that no matter how you tell her she is going to be upset on some level.

I would start laying the ground work now, telling her how she looks tired, chasing that little one around is hard work, etc. etc. Make it all about what is best for her and her health. You want her to be happy and healthy, not stressed. You don't want her to get run down and sick. Infants are one thing but toddlers are CRAZY and exhausting. I would also try to keep one day a week open for her to still spend time with the kids, possibly with you home. Make a big deal out of all the help she gives you and that she deserves a break, she isn't getting any younger.

Sure, its a bit devious but sometimes you gotta do things like this.

Good luck!

You didn't mention, how often she watches them or for how long or what you are doing when she does. If you are a SAHM, I'm guessing she isn't watching them full time or anything. I think another consideration is if she is the one asking for them to visit her or if you/hubby are asking her to watch them.
I really like the response you got from the first, handling it that way avoids a huge confrontation and gets you the end result. Are there any older cousins near by that can be there with grandma to help with the younger one. I would think at 10 your son could be enlisted to keep an eye on your daughter if they are outside. The gum thing is annoying but grandparents do that sort of thing and in the long run it won't permanately harm her. If you can avoid having her watch them by finding someone else, that might just be the best thing all the way around.

My mother's health keeps her from being able to watch my 1 year old on her own. Fortunately for us, she recognizes that and usually has someone with her when she is with him. Is there someone in your family, or a neighbor of your MIL who would be able to help her out when the kids are over. Maybe if you just suggest that she might need an extra set of hands with the little one, she might understand.

Hi J., Your husband needs to talk to his Mother ASAP. He needs to be honest and frank with her, but gentle. Aging is part of life, but none of us wants to really admit that we can't do something. She needs to respect you and your hubby as parents and keep your simple rules when she is taking care of your kids. And just because Grandma gave your daughter gum doesn't mean that YOU have to....it doesn't matter if she likes it or not. Good luck and best wishes.

I am trying to understand?...why is your MIL watching them so much if you are a stay at home mom? I would NOT say anything to her, or have your husband do it. I would simply stop leaving the kids with her. Make up a couple excuses and keep them handy, as not to hurt her feelings or ruin the relationship. If she wants to see the kids, then you and/or your husband need to remain there the whole time and let her visit, but watch your own kids if you are having these uncomfortable feelings about what she is doing. Elderly people do get snippy/nasty when they are over tired, so obviously the kids are wearing her out and she is snapping at them....if you or their dad were present you could recognize how tired she has become and make your exit before she gets nasty with the kids. If you don't want your 2 yr old having gum, then STOP giving it to her! Keep it out of reach in your house and it is only for grown ups. I honestly think that if you are this bothered by how your MIL handles the kids, and worry for your 2 yr olds safety, and you SHOULD...then stop leaving them with her.

I have a similar situation. My son will be one this week and My husband and I both work. He works normal business hours M-F and I am an RN working 2 12 hr shifts M-F. So on the days that I work we were alternating between my mom watching our son one day and my MIL watching the other day. Well, my MIL never listened to us or respected our wishes for caring for our son. We tried talking to her nicely many times but she never got the message. One day about two months ago she called out of the blue and said she would no longer watch our son. She blamed it on too many rules we were placing on her and she felt she was being picked on. Since then the relationship has been mended but she no longer watches our son. My advice it to keep 'nicely' telling her your house rules and specifics regarding your daughter. We even posted them on our fridge. When that doesn't work try writing little reminder notes addressed specifically to her. If that still doesn't work have her over for dinner one night and just go over the rules again. She should start feeling the pressure. You might even try approaching it from a safety point. Her safety, that is. Say that you are worried the two year old is too much too handle (blame it on the terrible twos) and you don't want her getting overwhelmed or possibly hurt.
Hope this helps some.
J.

Your solution is simple...stop leaving her with them. You know that you are endangering your 2 yo every time you leave her there so just don't do it. I agree with the other posters...don't even bring it up with her. Unless she is begging to babysit and asks why you don't let her just don't say anything. No need to start trouble or to damage your relationship with her or your husband's.

J.,

My mother-in-law use to watch my oldest all the time, but when my younger one was born she started losing her memory and two were to hard. I never told her this things I just stop asking her to babysit. Unstead we now have her over every sunday night for pizza and to play with the kids. I now have to use neighbor kids and neighbor friends to babysit during the day, it's harder but safer. I just don't mention that we had a babysitter. IF she ask why she isn't babysitting anymore you can say your trying some other people so the childern are use to others.
Good luck I know it's hard.