Need Some Advice on Mother-in-law

J.-
I can't say exactly what to do, but here is my best advice. I would say that if it makes you uncomfortable to have your baby at your mom-in-laws, then allow her to watch the baby at your house instead. Maybe start out for short periods of time, perhaps you need to go to the grocery store. Ask mom in law to watch your baby while you shop. You shouldn't be long, and if that made you uncomfortable then maybe ask if she can just come over and keep the baby company while you do laundry or clean house. Then, you can kinda monitor but she still gets to spend time with her. I think you must confront her again when she says something you don't like. As moms, we don't understand the grandma love (until we get there), but she surely loves your little girl. Just takes small steps you are comfortable with. :) Mama usually knows best!

J.,

My message to you will be short and sweet :o). Absolutely not!!!! No one with an unfenced pool will "EVER" watch my daughter, especially now that she's walking. This is as good a reason as any to not let her babysit. Accidents happen all the time.

Good Luck and don't ever question where to put your foot down when it comes to "YOUR" daughter :o).

Jennifer

Girl, Reading your message was like me writing it....I am having similar probelms with my mother in law. My daughter is 5 months old and she wanted to watch her while I work, but I work from home. So of course I keep her at home with me and my husband watches her while I work.....
The one thing that got me in your message is her calling herself MOMMY to your daughter. That is very strange.....I would definatley put your foot down and tell her that that needs to stop. Personally if I were you I would not let her watch her, if her house is not child proof and has a pool without a fence, I would so no way. You can tell her that you wouldnt mind if she came to your house to watch her. That way she has all her stuff at home and your daughter would feel more comfortable there.
Its only natural for a mother to feel the way you so... (I feel the same way)....So do what you think is right. You are the MOMMY and you have the right to say NO if you dont feel comfortable leaving her with your mother in law....

If you ever need to talk, send me a message.... we can chat....

I know how you feel only its my own mother I felt weird about her watching my son, while he was on the bottle, I pumped I could not get him to latch on, I wouldn't let her watch him because she was SO obsessed with him needing to be on the boob I was worried she might try to get him to latch to her(Yes I know that is a far out thought)I catch her everyonce in a while calling herself mommy to him. And now she has this need to give him a bath EVERY time he goes to her house, And I always send him clean! she says he enjoys baths so she wants to give him one. many times I have just givin him one before I drop him off. I let her take him to a light show 2 christmas' ago, he was to be home by 8:00 pm and wasn't so I started calling, her, her boyfriend and my sister. Not one of them took there cell phone I drove back and forth from her house to mine a few times was just about to call the police thinking there was an accident when she called 1 hour later than he shoud have been home, my husband answered and she laughed that we were so upset, they had words, she said she was on her way and still another hour later she was still at her house, I told her to have him ready I raced across town again to get him. I am not sure why I shared all this with you other than to say you are not the only one to feel this way I feel it is my child and I want to raise him, not my mom she can visit, and be grandma. now that time has passed I do drop him off over there again a couple times a month so they can have fun time without me watching over her shoulder. Could you let her come over to play and you go take a both or a walk something simple to start with and just explain to her that her house is not child friendly and for now you are more cofortable with her coming to yours. Maybe you could even go grocery shopping while she watches her At you house.
Oh I am invisible when my mom and son get together, I think its a granma thing. Are there any grandmas out there that cold help us understand better?

man do i know about the "monster in law" syndrom. your baby is your baby and she can't force you to do anything you don't want to. but i do agree she is your baby's g-ma but she's acting too pyscho.so maybe just keep declining and she'll get the picture!=)

Wow!! I think you have my mother-in-law!! And, I'm sorry!

I have a question for you. How close is your husband to his mother? I'm just curious. My husband is still very close to his mother and I have to be careful about what I say and how I say it or she calls him and cries and tells him how much I dislike her. She's a manipulative witch!!

Ok, now that my mini rant is over... I would talk with your husband before you do or say anything. Let him know how you feel and see if he is willing to say something to her. If he's not, then you will have to do it. And, you can use something like no fencing around the pool. Say "You know that (Baby) is walking now, and I am uncomfortable with the access to the pool. So, (Baby) can't be here without my supervision." She may take exception to this. (Mine did!) But, this is your child and eventually, concern over her feelings falls by the wayside.

As for the referring to herself as "Mommy" - I don't know what to say about that. My husband is her youngest child - he'll be 42 this year and she still refers to herself as "Momma" to my 6 year old. But, then she tries to make it look like an accident!! Grrr! I can't help you with that. Maybe you can help ME!

Good luck and I'm sorry you got a mother-in-law like mine!

J. T.

Okay! I just can't believe what I am reading. Let me just say that I have a 5 year old daughter and a 2 1/2 year old son. My MIL and I have a relationship...she is very over protective of HER children and her gandchildren. Believe me we see differently on a lot of issues. However, she has raised 4 children. So, she does know something about motherhood. First, how it feels to BE protective of (especially your first) child. Two, want the best for your child. And three, never want to hurt your child. I completely understand how you are feeling. And though the grandmother before said that you can "control" how you feel, I don't think that is the case. I think that you can control how you handle a situation based on what you are feeling. Now, obviously all of this is my opinion. I believe in being comepletely honest w/ your MIL whether your husband agrees or not. (Just a side bar...my husband isn't the best at backing me up when it come to his mother...so I know about that. I also told him since he wouldn't do it that he should know that I would "defend" myself respectfully.) There is definately a respect issue. I would tell her that. I would let her know that as your daughters mother you would love someone who you respect, to respect you in return. As far as the "babyproofing" the home...I hear people saying use that as an excuse...No use it as a reason! The pool w/o a gate is not acceptable. SO, I guess that my advise is, have the respect talk with her. Let her know that you made a commitment (about her watching you child) that you shouldn't have made before becoming a mom. Let her know the truth. You now know that there are things that you would feel more confortable with that you couldn't have ever known before the baby. And you need these changes to happen if you both want to have a good realtionship her and your daughter. Last, the watching your baby at your house is a great idea until you MIL can make the proper changes at her home. Trust me... better things come from being honest. And know that you have done everything for the "right reasons" and let her do with it what she may. I am sorry this is so long...but, I'm very against the idea that you just throw in the towel because you are "the mom." There is always a window to crawl into if the door is shut (so to speak.) A lot of good things can come from a good realtionship with your daughter and her grandma and also you and your mother in law. Good luck!

Kim

It is completely inappropriate to have someone watch your child who will not go to the trouble to childproof their home. A pool without a fence is just waiting for a child to drown- and they do it all the time.

Hey J., sorry to hear you have a crazy mom-in-law. I don't blame you for not wanting her to watch your daughter, especially at her house that isn't child proof. I would be very conserned with the pool as well. I think it would drive me crazy to have my mother-in-law having my daughter call her mommy and have your sister in law act like she's your daughters mom. THAT'S CRAZY!!
The only suggestion I have would be to have to come to your house to watch her, and only for a small period of time (maybe so you and your hubby can do lunch.) That way she feels she's getting some "alone time" with her granddaughter, but it's not for an extended time period. As much as it may suck for you, your daughter still has a right to be with her grandma. BUT...I would give your mother in law very specific instuctions, and be clear that if they are broken, then she can have no more unsupervised visits with her. Maybe she'll start to understand that YOU are her mother, not her. As far as your husband goes...you should give him a swift kick in the a$$ for not backing you up. He should understand and share the same conserns as you do for her safety and wellbeing.
Well I hope that you can work something out! I know mother-in-laws can be crazy sometimes!!
Keep us updated!!
J.

No you are NOT wrong!!! My son is 20 months old and my crazy mother-in-law has never watched him either, nor will she ever!! Is your husband ok with his mom not watching the baby? Because that is 1st and foremost so there is no fights between you guys over this! Based on the fact alone that she doesn't have a fence around her pool, if I were you that would be my biggest problem! My mother-in-law has never acted like my child is hers, so I really can't help ya there, but she obviously doesn't respect you as a parent if you've asked and she still hasn't stoped doing that! I would tell your mother-in-law EXACTLY why your child is not staying there.....the child proofing and the pool fence, I doubt she will spring into action to install a fence! Also I would be very up front (in a nice way) about the many times you've asked her to quit calling herself mommy around your child and she doesn't! If your husband is on your side and you do all that with respect, then there is absolutly nothing wrond with being honest with her! I beat around the bush for years when it came to my monther-in-law, but after I had a child, I quit doing that, and trust me, it's very refreshing the 1st time you get to tell off your mother-in-law!!!:) Hope that helps!
A. M

I just wanted to write what my opinion is: If you are uncomfortable haveing her watch your daughter then do not let her. your husband should understand your feelings and see whats going on himself. I have a 1 1/2 year old boy who means the world to me and if anything bad happens to him when i am not around i dont know what i would do. They are little fragile lives and that pool thing does not sound promising at all. My mother in law watches my son every other day but i have strict rules for her. I know they raised kids but its different now then when it was back then. She is not alowed to smoke in the house, even if its her house. I really dont allow her to drive him anywhere unless she lets me know in advance,. Things he eats, drinks. I know that may sound strict but its either that or she doesnt get to see her grandson. My husband knows and we are on the same page. it did take awhile to get him there but he understands now. Sorry this is so long but I just wanted to say please if you have any doubt just go with it cause mothers know best. It's not that your being mean, it's just you want whats best for your baby.

Hi J.,
Your not alone, believe me! I am a SAHM of a 4 1/2 year old, 2 year old and 1 year old. My husband and I don't feel comfortable leaving our children with anyone either. And I feel good about that decision (besides not a lot of alone time with my husband, but that's a sacrafice that we'll make). My parents watch them occasionally but they both have jobs so it's not that often. And my mother in law is crazy too!! But she just recently moved to Indiana (woohoo) so a long distance thing has been working much better. My mother in law is a chain smoker and see's nothing wrong with smoking around children. We gave her a chance once (against my better judgement) and she said she wouldnt smoke around our kids. We caught her doing it. The bottom line is stick with your gut!! We also found out last year that my husbands step dad has been accused of touching one of our neices. So basically they havent seen our children in over a year and he will never see my children again. If you have a weird feeling about her it's best to trust that feeling. Your the mommy and in the world we live in today I think it's great that parents are not trusting others with their kids. I also have worked at Pre schools in the past and because of that I will never take my children to one either. I know there not all bad, but I have seen some bad things so I will never trust one. Anyway, to keep the peace maybe you should let her watch her at YOUR house for a few hours. Go shopping or catch a movie or something. But you have every right not wanting her to have your baby alone at her home. And definatly put a stop to her saying she's mommy. That is a little crazy!

Good luck Sweetie!! I know what your going through.....Stay Strong and just protect that little girl!!! :)

I would not let her babysit and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. She is your daughter and you are responsible for her- if the house isn't babyproofed and their isn't a fence around the pool I would use those excuses or I would say that you don't want to incovinence her.
Good luck,

My advice is simple....follow your gut instinct.

Relationships are about comprimise. I had a great relationship with my mother in law until my first child was born and had similar experiences as you. Don't take the baby away from your mother in law all together though. I dont think you can change people by trying to explain your side till you are blue in the face, it will only cause you frustration. You love your child and dont want her to one day wonder why she is not close to her grandma, she may blame you in the end. Can you get another babysitter for while you work and use your mother in law maybe once a month so you and your husband can have a date night. Then it would only be for a couple hours.

Hello Sweetie;

Do not feel bad at all. I had my first child Easter Sunday of 2006. She is my everything words could never explain. Your Mother N Law was a new mother once. Therefore, I am sure she knows how it was being a first time mom and over protective of her first child. You are not wrong. If you feel uncomfortable letting her go over to her house then do not let her go because you will not feel right all day. So, until you feel at ease do not let her go. You are her mother so you make the final decision in her life. I do not care how close your husband are. You are his wife and he should back you up. I love my mother n law but there have been many times that I had to put her in her place for putting her two cents in our lives. I love advice from others but when it comes to our household my better half backs me up and lets his mother know that I am the boss in our house. So, just keep your head up. I know she means well. I am just happy that she has learned that I am in charge. I hope that this helps Babe!!!!!!!

Since your husband and his mother, your MIL, don't get along. I wouldn't let her watch your daughter. My husband's family is out of whack. There are storiees about him and his 4 sibling growing up that would make anyone's skin crawl. But they are trying to make it up with their first grandson. The others can pretty much go to hell..because they don't live in the same city. We live in Chandler and that's TOO FAR for them. In a way, I was hurt because none of my in-laws came to our wedding. They were just plain jealous and if it wasn't about them it wasn't about anyone at all.

Anyway, we had a wedding video and later on they got to see it sitting next to my parents and my MIL regrets not being there. She apologized to my parents but not to me nor my husband. I have lived and let go and we're getting along better. But I wouldn't trust them with my kids.

Since your MIL doesn't have a pool fence, I definitely wouldn't allow her to babysit. I even went thru a trust factor with my own dad because he didn't believe that my son (who was 4 months at the time) should sit in a rear facing car seat nor sit in the backseat until he's 12 or stay athome alone until he's 12 type of thing.

Tell your husband to have some backbone and you too. You need all the support you can get. Even the fire dept has handouts about water safety. There's just too many drownings here to ignore.

Good Luck!

Hi J.,
Take a breath, slow down, it's all okay. It's okay to feel what you are feeling. I totally get you because that is how I felt and still feels. I have 3 ages 10, 8, and 4. I'm still not comfortable having anyone watch them! When my first was born, hardly anyone got to babysit. My in laws and my parents were both only 15 mins. from me. I always felt that something bad might happen to her when I was away. I just can't imagine anyone taking care of her better than me. So if you feel that way it's fine for now. You may feel different when she is 2 or 3 and can speak and react. Or wait until she's older like 5. Don't feel like you have to please anyone else. It is your child and your life. I do feel like there is a tactful way of doing things though. One approach is to just be honest. I have always done that with my parents and in laws. I just tell them that it is my issue with myself. I have sepreation anxiety with my children. It is true! I do get anxious and nervous when I am no around them, even today. It is alot easier now if hubby and I want to go out on a date. I only eat around the neighborhood and no more than 2 hours. Try being honest and tell husband and mother in law that this is your issue. This is your first baby and you never imagined you can be this close to anyone. Make it your thing so they don't take offense to it. Just even make it light by saying "oh maybe after the 5th baby I will want her with you all day!" I wish I had better advice for you but I really don't because I am still experiencing it. I just feel like life and childhood is so short and I want to be with my babies as long as I can. Good luck and let me know how everything goes.

follow your instincts!! I have almost the same crazy mother-in-law. If she can't respect you enough to stop doing something that bothers you right in front of your face like referring herself as "Mommy" then you will go absolutely looney when your daughter is with her by herself. When she questions you again about watching your daughter then take advantage of that moment and tell her why you don't want her to and what it will take for her to be trusted. This isn't a time to spare anyone's feelings because she apparently isn't sparing yours. And of course you want your daughter to love and bond with her grandma but ONLY on your terms.

And most importantly, if she wants to watch your babygirl then she needs to show some good grandparent skills and babyproof that house of hers. That is something very important and it only take l second for something to happen and a "sorry" just doesn't cut it; especially when it comes to a child's life and wellbeing!

Good Luck!

I can understand. I am lucky though because my monther-in-law lives in another state. It is hard for me to enjoy my visit with her though. Her house in not baby proof but she tries. I am afraid to leave my son with her when we visit because she has suffered from depression for a long time and I don't know what she will do if he starts crying and does not stop. I have to say to go with what you feel. Tell your mother in law you would consider letting your child stay if she would work on baby proofing and putting a fence around the pool. Tell her you can't let your child stay without those things. It is not safe and you would worry too much. I also understand about her calling herself mommy. That would drive me nuts. I don't know if it would work but maybe your husband could tell her to stop since she won't listen to you. My mother-in-law is constantly saying things that bug me like how's "my" boy, and things like that. Those things get on my nerves enough but I unersgtand that she loves my son. I hope things work out for you. I would definitely stick with your feelings, but see if you can work things out. I pray someday my mother-in-law can work though her depression so my son can stay with her alone. She also has a husband who is obsessed with guns and knives and I can't stand that. He scares me a lot. Until then, I will continue to visit and let her play with my son while I am around. Even if I am upstairs napping I will feel better than if I left my son alone in her house. Letting your mother-in-law babysit in your house may be one answer to your problem. I don't think you are wrong for how you feel. It is normal. That doens't mean you can't change how you feel but it will take some time. Hope this helps some.

Hi J.! I can totally understand your concerns and protectivness with your baby. I too am one who's never allowed anyone to care for my children. Always afraid that no one in this world, could ever care for my children, better than I! So no..you're not crazy and you're not the only one who thinks this way. But believe me, it's get easier and better.

First..I don't condone Mother-in-law asking grand daughter to call her "Mommy". Maybe Grand Mommy..but not Mommy! Maybe you can correct her by saying to your daughter "There's Grand Mommy" and maybe Mother-in-law will like it and stick with it. Say Grand Mommy alot! You just never know...Mother-in-law might think it sounds kinda special...you know?

I DO believe that your Mother-in-law has your daughters best interest at heart. Deep down, I know you MUST know, that your Mother-in-law loves your daughter deeply! And that, just like you, she'd never let anything bad happen to her. IF your concerns are TRUE about her home not being child proof...why not let her sit at YOUR house? Maybe just so you can run errands. Try 30 minutes to start with. If you come home and feel good about it...next time, try leaving her for 45 minutes and next time, an hour. It will make Mother-in-law VERY happy and believe it or not, your daughter too! Hubby will be happy also...so that's a plus!

I wish I had MY Mother-in-law around or even my own Mother. But I don't. I DO know...that they were once Mothers of small children and felt exactly the same way you and I feel. So don't be so hard on Mother-in-law...because remember...you and I will be there some day! How sad it would be if all we wanted was to spend time with our Grand Children...knowing that we'd care for them just as well...but our in-laws wouldn't allow us to!

Hope this helps you somewhat....
Hugs...M.

ADDING TO MY RESPONSE AND IN RESPONSE TO KIMBERLEE WHO ASKED IF THERE WERE ANY GRANDMOTHERS OUT THERE WHO COULD HELP....

"I" am a GrandMother! I must say, I am shocked at all the responses from the women on here who say DON'T LET HER WATCH THE BABY!! SHE'S YOUR BABY and what not!! I understand that ME as a GRANDMOTHER, I chose to raise my children a "certain way". My 21 year old daughter, on the other hand, chooses a different life style. I don't approve of it, but it's not MY right to tell her what to do. I can "suggest" she not do something a certain way with the baby...but ultimately, it's HER decision! WE GRANDMOTHERS know this!! BUT..we also know that what ever suggestions we make or what ever we choose to do with our grandchildren on OUR times is NEVER EVER meant to hurt our grandchildren! WE LOVE THEM!! DEARLY!! I can totally understand any fears...for I AM STILL a MOTHER TOO!! Of small children even! My youngest is 5 and my grand daughter is 3. So understand when I tell you..MOST of you women are being TOTALLY UNFAIR! You've heard a ONE SIDED story and are QUICK to judge and it's not fair to anyone!

Instead of trying to HELP J....everyone seems to be adding fuel to the fire! She asked 2 questions..is she wrong for not wanting Crazy Mother-in-law to watch her baby and Can she help the way she feels. NO ONE even addressed her questions. SO..is she wrong? I say YES! YES because she told mother-in-law she'd be able to watch the baby and then went back on her own word! How can J. expect there not to be any resentment? The house not being Child Proof doesn't cut it with me, because the baby could be watch at Mommy's house! As I suggested, for 30 min's to start with. She hasn't even given grandma ONE chance IN A YEAR!! Did anyone get that?! ONE CHANCE??!! And HER WORD that she'd allow her to babysit...Umm...was mother-in-law IN this house, the very same house when Mommy gave her word, that she could babysit? So didn't she all ready know about the pool and or any unsafe things in the home back then? There's SO much none of us know about the whole situation and babysitting at Mommy's house could've been suggested LONG ago. Even if grandma was in a different house before.

Can she "help" the way she feels? YES! It's Totally Understandable the way she feels, but she CAN help the way she feels. By Talking...sweetly, calmly, lovingly and caringly to Mother-in-law. Sit down and have a heart to heart talk, over coffee or something. But the way things have been going...all the fighting and bickering between Mother-in-law and Husband is getting No Where! So try it a different way. Try ANYTHING! Just to make things peaceful. Fighting never gets anyone anywhere...but madder! Maybe a Mediator needs to be involved. I think there's a lot of stubborness on both sides and "someone" needs to be the bigger person and "let go".

I love my grand daughter and when my daughter's there with us, yes, she's invisible because my grand daughter knows with grandma, it's all about fun and love. You only need to worry if the baby cries or seems afraid to be around grandma. But if you seem to be invisible when grandma's around, take it as a GOOD SIGN! Grandma is treating baby SO WELL that baby can see nothing else in Grandma's eyes, but Love! NO ONE will ever take Mommy's Place. But then, NO ONE will ever take Grandma's place. They were 2 different beings...and if YOU don't get it...believe me...Baby Does!! So don't feel so intimated.

When my mother-in-law is in town, I too am invisible and my son only wants to be with her...because grandma is here to do nothing but love all over him. There are no "house rules" and no "scolding" when something he does is wrong. It's different!! And understand this...YOU WILL BE THERE ONE DAY!! Remember that!! You will never know how it feels to be a Grandmother, until you ARE one. And to feel Shut Out...just because you have a different opinion...is wrong, unfair and it hurts!

One day, Baby wont BE a Baby anymore. And he or she will wonder why Grandma was never around. You will have some explaining to do and your answers better justify your actions. And again...You will be there one day. What goes around, comes around. I truly believe in that....

Sorry this was so long....and J....I hope this doesn't offend you in any way, shape or form. I did not mean to offend anyone! Only my opinion and some food for thought. I hope you work things out with your Mother-in-law. My best wishes to you J.!! Great Big Hugs...

I understand completely. The best part about this is that YOU are the mom. So, you can make whatever decision you want. If your husband wants to support you, then GREAT! If not, then he should stay quiet, and let you make the decisions about your 1 year old. If he isn't bothered about it and you are, he needs to at least respect your decisions as a mother. As far as the mom in law goes, I would distance myself and the baby from her until she gets the point. When she ask's about the problem, tell her in a calm manner, and see how she reacts. If she can't understand that your baby only has one mother, then she IS crazy. Tell her she can go by grandma since that's what she is!

Hi J.,
Bless your heart. NO it isn't wrong for you not to want your Mother in law to watch your baby. Goodness. I feel for you girl. I hate it when I hear of mother in laws doing this. What I would do, is restrict her from seeing her GRANDBABY until she can respect you as that baby's mother and your wishes!!! Shame on her! How does your husband feel about that? Does he know how you are feeling when she is doing this? Does he even know? You ought to talk with him and let him know what is going on, and if he does know, and if he is witnessing your mother in law calling herself mommy and treating you the way she does, he needs a reality check! Stand your ground because that is your baby and follow your instincts as well. Since you are having a horrible feeling about your mother in law, then follow your gut girl. Tell your mother in law that she is NOT allowed to see YOUR baby until she stops this nonsense! Let her know straight up! Don't beat around the bush about it. Good luck and let me know what happens. UGH..I wish I could do it for you! I've been married twice, and both my mother in laws have been just AWFUL! Best wishes to you girl. G. ____@____.com

I would be very careful with your mother-in-law if I were you. I would let her visit, but don't let her babysit. If she's calling herself "mommy" and trying to pretend that the child's mother is her daughter, that's not a good sign. You don't want her to decide that you're not a good mother and she or her daughter could do it better and then start trying to find reasons to get her away from you. I know that sounds far-fetched, but you never know. Just be careful.