How to Teach Compassion and Appreciation?

Hi K.,
I asked this question about a year ago. Many of the answers I got was for us to do volunteer work, like a homeless shelter, where he could see how others not as fortunate have it. My MOPS group just covered this topic too not too long ago and there's an organization called "Feed my starving Children" to volunteer at. They have many positions to be filled where the kids(and you) get to do various duties, like weighing rice, bagging it, labeling etc.
When my 19 yr old was 8 yrs old, an elderly neighbor was moving out of her apartment, I knew she had no one and was having a difficult time lifting and carrying the boxes to her car. I went to her and asked if my son and I could volunteer our help for the day. We ended up helping her the whole weekend but we had a lot of fun and got to know her fairly well. She offered to pay me, but I wouldn't take anything, only wanted to help out.

Hi K.,

First of all fear not, it is normal to be selfish at this age and not think of others. That is a normal psychological step. Soon he should naturally be thinking outside of himself.

As for graciousness, and manners, I would set an example myself and praise him when he does remember on his own. But you will likely still have to remind him for awhile.

T. Nelson

Most children are pretty ego-centric until age 8 or so, however you should continue to insist that he use good manners as they will become habit (maybe not genuine for a while, but at least he'll be saying it).

As for ways to teach your child to be appreciative, the very best thing you can do is demonstrate the behaviors yourself. When someone holds open a door for you, "Thank you very much. Have a nice afternoon." If you receive a gift, write a thank you note and insist that your family do the same. They can be very simple and you can purchase "template" thank-yous, but the point is appreciative parents tend to have appreciative children. Thoughtless parents... thoughtless kids.

Show him and set the expectation... he'll get there!

He's 6 years old and frequently says thank you without being reminded? Good job, Mama!

Lately, I've been working on my own gratitude awareness and noticed it's rubbing off on my 2 teenaged sons. I tell them how grateful I am when someone does something kind for us: letting us go ahead in traffic, a nurse who squeezes us in for an appointment when one of us is sick, the neighbor who cleared the snow off our driveway. In turn, my boys have been speaking up and thanking me for the little things I do for them... buying them clothes, fixing their favorite foods, driving them to activities. It's been nice and makes me glad that they've picked up on this.

You are describing normal behavior. He's only 6. He has much to learn and just as important is to be aware that just as his body matures with age so does his brain. The part of his brain that involves compassion hasn't developed yet.

Our brains aren't mature until the age of 25 or so.

It is our responsibility to teach the social requirements of saying thank you, I'm sorry, etc. We do this thru modeling the behavior we want them to learn and by reminding them to say them even when they don't feel them. Saying social niceities is a skill. Learning the feelings behind them come with time and experience. Our children learn to be sympathetic when we show them sympathy. They learn to be grateful when we show them how to be grateful. We teach thru providing experiences and talking with them about those experiences.

The part of their brain that remembers what we've said is a part of the brain that is slowly developing. Repetition is one of the ways we learn.

Also remember that a 6 yo's world is very small and they've had very little experience. Of course they want mostly for themselves. They're just now learning only a little bit about themselves and what is available. Their brains are not able to comprehend the larger world. They are focused on a very limited part of the world.

I think it is important to model the behavior. Your children tend to act the way you do. IN NO WAY, am I suggesting you don't act kind, etc.

My daughter hears me say please and thank you a lot. After a while, it gets to be her nature.

Best wishes.

The only suggestion I have is to be that way your self. Teach a child by example. If you are angry all the time the child will be angry. If you act superior and condemning your child will act superior and condemning. If you are compassionate and appreciative your child will learn to be companssionate and appreciative.

It sounds like you are doing a good job so my advice is to keep up the good work and kudos to you.

N.

6 y/o child is still very much self centered which means that he cannot recognise other people's feelings, sacrifices, etc. very well. That is normal stage of development. You can make him more aware by pointing out things to him. Do not feel bad about reminding him to thank you - as long as he does even with a reminder - you are on the right track.
You child is in the :
Pre-operational stage of thinking
(2-7 years) Learns to use language and to represent objects by images and words
Thinking is still egocentric: has difficulty taking the viewpoint of others

Classifies objects by a single feature: e.g. groups together all the red blocks regardless of shape or all the square blocks regardless of colour

Good luck. Do not feel bad. kids grow slow :)))