6 Year Old Acting Entitled

At this age, kids think if they want it they can have it. You need to explain to him each and every time why his comments are not acceptable and what a more appropriate response would be.

My kids are 10, 8, and 6 and I constantly remind them how to behave. If they get a gift they don't like or already have, they are still grateful. I tell them that one piece of candy is what they may have unless they are given more. They use their manners regardless and if they do not, there will be consequences....but sometimes they need reminders.

So relax, he's acting pretty normal for a 6 year old Just correct him each time, prepare him before you go somewhere of what to expect, and he will get it. He's still young :).

This may not be a matter of heart and not being grateful as much as it might be a matter of mouth and needing to simply keep quiet. Even the best of kids can get lippy, rude and outspoken. Kids these days run their mouths with every thought that comes to their head.

Have your son try not giving his opinion so much when receiving something.

There is so much weight and treasure in the old saying "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."

He is not a teenager - taking all of his stuff away is way over the top. Seriously. He is 6. He's STILL learning. Live by example. If it's being ridiculous, nip it in the bud (like you did for halloween - I may have had a chat with him, continued to trick-or-treat, and if the behavior continued then end the evening, but maybe this was a "last straw" statement for the evening?

Re. the birthday, the package SAID there would be more, there was an expectation set up, and there was disappointment. That makes sense. The snide "Who sends a kid only a card for his birthday" was a bit over the top, but there was some expected disappointment here.

Don't let this "bring you to your knees". Again, he's still learning. Just keep modeling, perhaps even ask him where he's coming up with these comments. I'd like to know who he is hanging around that talks the way he was talking, or if he's watching some TV shows that have this kind of behavior. My 6 year old doesn't talk like that, so if YOU and your immediate family don't behave that way, do some detective work to find out who does.

I suggest you are taking this behavior personally and blowing it out of proportion. He's only 6. He is just now, this past week, expressing his feelings. Normal feelings, btw. Have you never thought similarly even as a child? I have been disappointed on similar situations as an unselfish, caring, compassionate adult.

The way you teach him to handle these situations is to be compassionate yourself. Say something to model back his feelings such as "you must be disappointed." Teach him how to respond when he's disappointed. Suggest to him that complaining out loud hurts the other person's feelings. Know that at 6 he won't understand and that this is just the beginning of the lesson.

Teach him to verbalize his feelings; to say "I'm disappointed" to you while teaching him to not say anything to the person giving him the gift.

I suggest that for the gift in the mail his words are letting you know to explain about the package. He's only 6. Why do expect him to know how to ask what happened. He expected a gift. His disappointment is normal. It doesn't mean he's selfish or lacks compassion. To be direct, I suggest your reaction showed a lack of compassion. We teach our children how to be compassionate by showing compassion not only for the other person but also for our child. You were compassionate for the person who gave the candy. You just missed out on teaching your son compassion by denying his feelings of disappointment. We cannot be compassionate for others in a healthy way unless we're able to be compassionate to ourselves.

Nervy girl gave you more ideas about teaching compassion. We teach by modeling, providing experiences, and being patient while our children learn.

I think it is pretty common behavior at this age, just based on the kids I've been around over the years. It's pretty terrible to watch them be so rude and critical, and I can't say that I like seeing this trait in my own son.

That said, I think some solid things we can do are to model gratitude, notice generosity in others without preaching-- just describing what that other person did and how it makes us feel good to see it. Noticing the areas your son does do well in socially is also helpful. "Thanks for holding the door open for me. It makes me feel like you care about me."

Thank you pictures or notes are helpful, too.

Personally, I think taking away toys is a bit heavy-handed. That is adult logic, not kid logic. It's simply not going to make sense to him just because you told him he's not appreciating what he's got. It also does the opposite of teaching empathy. Kids don't learn empathy and gratitude by having their items taken away-- they only get mad.

Remember, too, that you and your husband got to grow up into maturity and enjoy the philanthropic values you have. My suggestion would be to look at typical five and six year old developmental social/emotional milestons and markers. As I said before, this behavior -- while disappointing to us as evolved adult humans-- very common. So do know that this isn't a 'forever' attitude (unless you are contributing to it in some way you haven't mentioned, and I'm not assuming that). Kids do grow out of it... it just is going to take a while. (You've got the teen years to go!)

"Give away all of his material items except three changes of clothes and his favorite lovey?" Too morally and psychologically broad for 6. Don't think of it as a complete lack of foundation despite your modest and generous lifestyle at this point. He said and felt some snide things. All kids try it.

"Ignore the behavior?" NO NO NO NO!!! Ignoring behavior is what's wrong with today's lax parents, it's the ultimate in lazy and it's why kids persist with wrong actions way too long.

"Read him even more books on people acting selflessly?" Sure why not. But you can't preach right behavior into 6 year olds, they'll still do wrong stuff.

I would let him know that the selfish, rude comments are NOT allowed and the next time he is snotty like that, he will have serious consequences. And I'd follow through. If my daughter (7) griped about a gift I'd tell her point blank how disappointed in her attitude I was and I'd take the item away on the spot and give it away and I'd dole some other negative consequence. She wouldn't do that however, because we have a similar example we set here, but also, I enforce all my rules so she doesn't need to push it. Being gracious about all gifts of any type is one of our rules.

All the moral lessons and good examples can be his backdrop, but you still need discipline to enforce rules about behavior. Good work addressing, and don't worry, he CAN snuff this quickly. If you warn him and discipline him for a while and he's STILL acting like that, THEN you can strip all his possessions etc. But it shouldn't come to that I wouldn't think. Sometimes gentle, sweet people have kind of mean kids despite their good examples simply because the kids aren't scared of their parents. Not saying this is the case for you, but just throwing it out there.

If my kids had made the candy comment, I probably wouldn't have gone home, I would have given them a swift talking to and a serious warning though. And then home with NO CANDY if the attitude didn't change immediately.

You tell him, "LOTS of people send kids only a card for his birthday. Stop complaining." And "Two is the normal amount of Halloween candy. Stop complaining."

I don't think you need to get too upset, he's only 6, and this is the stuff you need to teach him. Teaching our kids is an ongoing process.

You don't need to worry that this is something dire, just keep modeling generosity and moderation, as you are doing, and give him short verbal lessons when he acts entitled. You absolutely do not need to take away his material items for a couple of bratty remarks.

Perspective: This is relatively normal behavior, and does not require Draconian measures.

Read "The Long Winter" by Laura Ingles Wilder, to him every night before bed. Bit by bit, he will understand real need, selfishness, thankfulness. It's a chapter book so you read it to him and let the momentum build. Let him talk about it before you call attention to things. You can let your feelings show though.

Does he like Veggie Tales? It might be a bit young for him, but Madame Blueberry is a good video for this.

I understand your position. I truly believe that you can make your point and talk less, not more. He is only 6. I also believe that it's a part of some kids natures to be thankful and some, not so thankful. But how they express themselves to people around them is under your control and you were right to call him on his attitude. Try talking to your children's librarian about some good books to share about this.

My girlfriend uses the expression "you get what you get and you don't act upset."

Remind him 1. the giver was being generous within his/her means or giving preferences. 2. he might not be happy with what he received. 3. that feeling of disappointment is valid. (all feelings are valid). 4. acting ungrateful or surly is not acceptable.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Children, even teens, are by nature selfish and self centered. He's only six, the lessons you are trying to teach don't happen in moments but over many years. Keep modeling and setting a good example and he will learn from you. In the mean time, remind him to say please and thank you and be grateful for what he has, but don't expect him not to be disappointed when he doesn't always get what he wants, he's a young child not a fully formed adult.

I think all kids do selfish things at this age...it's normal. When my kid does this, I always remind her that people don't have to give gifts and she should be thankful for what she gets. I have her immediately write thank you notes for all gifts no matter how small. I remind her that her grandmother grew up during the depression and barely had enough to eat. She also has a number of friends from school who struggle financially and have much less than she does. I just keep giving her reminders.

You might also try giving your child an allowance and have him buy his own toys and fun things. I do this with my dd and she really has more of an appreciation of money and how expensive things are. It's made a huge difference.

He will mature. His brain is still developing and this is quite normal for a 6 year old. Just keep modeling the right way to act and think like you already are. He will grow into himself. Don't worry too much about this yet!

Personally, I think you are way over thinking this. He's 6. Right? You can teach and live by example all day long his whole life, but at the end of the day, he's still 6 years old. And even though he may KNOW what you are teaching, he still wants what he wants. And has feelings of wanting more. It's human. Especially for a 6 year old.

The examples you gave (perhaps there are more and worse than what you shared here?) are rather mild, if you ask me. Particularly the Halloween candy. I would suggest that rather than not being grateful and big-hearted, it was more of a simple observation on his part. The other houses probably gave him lots more and so when that particular house did not, it made an impression.
I have found, with my kids, that it is more helpful to be a little less punitive about such things. Rather than take him home, I might have simply pointed out that perhaps the people that lived there didn't have enough money to buy "extra" candy and needed to give frugally so that all the kids who rang their bell were able to receive some. It's a different way to look at it, without being punitive. But over time, these things do have impact.

I don't know about the birthday present. Was he expecting this package in the mail before it arrived? Has this person sent very nice gifts in the past?

I think if you take all his things except for the necessities, you will just cause him to be angry and the result will not be what you are hoping to achieve.
Just talk to him.
You are doing great with having them collect for the needy and showing them how to be generous. Let it be something they learn to enjoy for its own sake, rather than something they are punished for if they don't exhibit YOUR idea of generosity.

Just my thoughts.
My kids are 15 and 12. And they are quite helpful and kind kids. Daughter is on a current tear right now to earn "volunteer hours" for her Jr. Beta club. You wouldn't believe all the ways she has come up with to volunteer. Not even including that she volunteers her time every week at church playing the organ for the services. Year round. She doesn't expect anything in return. She enjoys it. And yes, she has to spend time at home practicing in advance every week.
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Excellent Amy J. I intended to get to that aspect, and got derailed. (sigh.. older age minds). Yes, correct his response appropriately. He should give a gracious thank you no matter what the gift (card only? "THANK YOU!"). He can fake it until he feels it. It is the appropriate response and he should be expected to give it. Teach him to respond appropriately EVEN WHEN he is dissatisfied (for whatever reason) with an act of generosity towards him. Just like eating dinner with someone else's family. They serve something he doesn't like, he isn't allowed to say "eww. gross!" He may not be required to eat it, but he can be required to say "No thank you" politely. It's the same concept.
If he responds in a grossly inappropriate way, you punish that response. Not his level of "thankfulness" per se.

Ouch. No wonder you're upset. The card thing is just awful.

I would venture to say that because HE doesn't pay for anything, he doesn't know how much it costs to buy gifts. He doesn't have to pay for anything that is given to charity either.

Perhaps you could consider taking him to a soup kitchen and having him help you (always within your eyesight) with volunteering. This way he sees people in need.

You also can ask the family to lower the amount of gifts for your son right now while you teach him the meaning of entitlement. I think that this is what I would have done if I had had this problem.

Selfishness is the hallmark of human nature and I truly think that most of the evil in the world is caused by it - think about it! We all have the tendency to consider our own wants and needs first, considering others and expressing gratitude is a learned behavior for most.

I find that entitlement is a natural byproduct of being in our own worlds too much. The best way to nip it - even for us as adults - is to go serve somewhere. Serve someone else. Thank someone else. See what others go through, what they have, what they don't. Get some perspective.

At 6, he is old enough to understand that not all people and circumstances are the same. Go serve in a shelter or soup kitchen. Talk to him about how people have far less than he and what that would be like. Have him pick out something to give someone (or do something for someone) and later talk about how it would feel if that person expressed ingratitude for it or didn't care. How much it hurts to take your own resources and put them into something or someone who doesn't care or expects more.

Don't give away all of his things, but if there are things he doesn't use, collect them together to share with someone else. Limit gifts on bday / holidays so gratitude is the focus. Never let a gesture or gift go without a sincere thank-you and follow up with thank you notes together.

My son is 3 and we're working on this. We do notes together and he writes his name. At this point, he's the one who will say to me, "mommy, we have to write them a thank you note!"

Make gratitude a part of your daily life by finding something each day to be thankful for - however small. It really does get you out of negativity and entitlement and helps shift your perspective. I think kids can easily get into this habit, too...perhaps even more easily than we.

Good luck, mama!