How to Teach 7 Year Old to Respect Me When Dad Might Teach Opposite?

Is this new behavior, or has she always behaved this way?

Dad needs to stop correcting you or speaking disrespectfully to you in any way. If he does it in front of her, call him on it and put a stop to it.

Is it possible that she's dealing with anger over the divorce? They often take that out on the primary custodial parent, the weekend parent becomes fun and perfect.

You need to be consistent. Whatever the consequences are, deliver them right away and every time. When my kids were that age, I was a fan of ending the day if they were very fresh or disrespectful - that meant if it was 4 pm, pajamas on, shades down, and in bed. I think I needed to do this all of twice.

Kids should be able to tell you how they feel! But there is a way to do this respectfully. Model the behavior that you want from the children.

If I had to guess, I'd say that this is a little girl who's struggling with having divorced parents, and she's acting out. It's very common for kids to lash out at the parent they live with, and the one they trust most: the parent they know won't go away. I know it's terribly hard on you, but in a strange way, this could be a sign of trust.

Rather than just focus on the behavior, I think it's most important to get to the emotions behind the behavior. I think counseling would be in order, and maybe a support group for children with divorced/separated parents.

In terms of the behavior issues, my two pieces of advice are to be sure to balance the punishment with positive feedback. If she does anything kind of, sort of, right -- praise that. You don't want to get into a cycle where the only feedback she gets from you is negative. And pick your battles. False accusations? Are not okay. Mispronouncing a word? Let it go. She'll pick it up on her own in time.

And, finally, I would encourage you to see the benefits of both your parenting style and your ex's. Really, if you can work toward a message that melds both -- "It's wonderful and important to say how you feel, but it's also important to think about the other person's feelings and say it nicely" -- you may be able to mitigate some of the tension and to make your daughter's world feel less fragmented.

family therapy maybe? Divorce is HARD on kids. However stressed you are feeling, imagine you're a kid feeling the same way and having no control or real understanding of the situation.

Kids can say how they feel AND show respect. If she feels like you're shutting her down, that's not good. But she might need you to explain how to be upset AND respectful at the same time.

Look into Love and Logic (google - there's a website, and also books may be at the library and bookstore). It's choice based parenting - it might give her some feeling of control in what is to her an out-of-control situation.

Re. the pronounciation thing - don't argue - google. Make it a "lets find out" situation instead of "you're wrong". The lying thing is not good - talk to your ex and work together on this one. You both might have different parenting styles, but lying like that isn't good for anyone- approach it with a "how can we deal with this" attitude.

They ARE picking up on your anger. He's right there. There may be more, but you can't minimize this. Kids are radar dishes for emotional tone. I know if I'm having a crappy day, my son will respond to that and it will get worse for both of us till I get a handle on MYSELF.

She's acting out. This is very common in divorce, and kids usually level the complaints at the parent with whom they live the most. But she's also having this problem at school, so it's not entirely that she doesn't respect you - she's just having problems adjusting.

I think you have to separate out the issues and behaviors that are crucial, and those that are not. If she doesn't take a bath every day, is that horrible? If she mispronounces a word, so what? Instead of correcting her, try to use that same word in a sentence later on. Don't force her to make her bed right now, or similar issues, but don't wait on her either. If she needs to do certain things to be sure her backpack is packed or her lunch & snack are done, then stick to those that really matter. If she goes to school without her homework because she didn't listen to you, then she will endure the consequences from her teacher. If she's hungry due to no snack, she will survive. And she won't do those things the next time.

If she is mouthing off to you, walk away. Tell her you will talk to her when she's in a better mood and able to be respectful. Don't respond with anger and yelling because that's what she's doing. You don't want to engage in the same behaviors you object to in her. That's a huge reason I don't believe in spanking - it teaches them that hitting is okay if you are bigger. But you don't have to listen to someone who is disrespecting you - and that's a good lesson for anyone to learn, but especially girls. Girls and women put up with too many put-downs! Don't rely on her father to correct her - if he doesn't respect you, that's probably a big reason why you are divorced.

In addition, her lying and screaming are getting her plenty of attention - so you have to make sure there is no reward for her. Take away what she wants - which is attention. It's only going to be a short time before she wants something else from you - attention, a favor, a meal made, etc. I used to tell my son, "I'm not your maid. I'm your mother." And while it takes time, it's okay for kids to see that the more they pitch in, the sooner they get what they want, which is more fun and more time with Mom. If a child goes to school without her favorite shirt washed, that's okay. And it's even better when you say, "Oh, is that what you were talking about? You were yelling so much that I couldn't hear you ask nicely. Oh well, maybe next time you want that shirt, you will pick it up off your bedroom floor, put it in the hamper, and bring the entire batch of dirty clothes down to the washing machine." Or, "Maybe next time you want a particular snack, you will put it on the grocery list yourself." And don't forget, "I'm sorry, I don't buy X for kids who think it's okay to yell at me."

The important thing now is to de-escalate the situation. It's okay for your ex and you to have different parenting styles. It's not okay to allow disrespectful talk about the other. You can't control him. You CAN control yourself and what you permit in your own home. It's okay for kids to be told that Dad's rules go on in Dad's house, and Mom's rules apply in Mom's house. It's okay for kids to DISCUSS things that bother them, but not to scream and rant. Sometimes young kids need help verbalizing their feelings, so you can help them along with prompts like "I want to understand what's bothering you." (Note that you don't say "I want to fix what's bothering you.") Try to get them to start at the beginning, to take a breath, and to put the problem into 2 sentences. Then repeat it back to them in your own words, and ask for more details in 2 more sentences. There are some good books on how to talk so kids will listen and so on - ask the children's librarian at your local library for some good, and free, suggestions.

When Dad's permissiveness spills over the school situation, it's up to him to go to the teacher conferences or field the calls from the principal. Be sure that he is hearing the problem FROM THE TEACHER and not from you. If the teacher calls you, ask to put your ex on a 3-way call. If you get an email from the teacher, forward it (without comment) to your ex and ask her to cc him in the future.

Not that this is your precise problem, but a friend of mine handled her kids' bad language with the following: they were not allowed to use certain words, but when they pointed out that they heard the parents using them on occasion, my friend said, "You're right. We do occasionally. Dad has 'driving words' and Mom has 'cooking words'. When you can do either of those activities on a regular basis, you may use those words!" Worked like a charm!

And this is why kids should be taught respect and good behavior from the gate - less than 1 year old. At NO TIME should a child be allowed to raise his/her voice to his/her parents - even at 1 year old. At NO TIME should a child be allowed to raise his/her hand to an adult - even at 9 months. That's the time where this sort of behavior and discipline is instilled. At 7, you are WAAYYYY behind. You are going to have to implement tough love and stick to it if you want any lasting changes. The very next time your daughter screams at you, throw cold water in her face. It will not hurt her but it will sure shock her right into silence. Once she's silent, look her directly in the eyes, be very stern and tell her that she WILL NOT scream at you like that again and send her to her room. The next time she disrespectfully corrects you, send her to her room. Do not tolerate this behavior any longer. Kids only do what they are allowed to get away with. Stop letting her get away with it. And talking is not enough. This behavior is ingrained in her by this age; it is not going to be easy to change it and loving conversations are going to get you anywhere! It's time to act, not talk

You sound like my ex. Granted he only gets them every other weekend but you sound just like him. Couldn't possibly be anything he is doing, must be me.

My kids are very respectful to everyone but him.

Looking at other answers I could be wrong but does anyone consider that she never mentioned what he "corrected" her on? My ex has inappropriately punished them in front of me, when I have custody, of course I am going to correct him. If he doesn't want me pointing out he is wrong then stop doing it! Yet to speak to him I am correcting him and diminishing their respect for him. No, they don't respect him for the same reason no one else on earth respects him, he has no respect for anyone else.

She says she spanks the kids. If you were a non spanker wouldn't you correct your ex if they spanked the kids in front of you? I also agree with my ex that their attitude is unacceptable but my ex doesn't listen beyond what backs up his opinion so he doesn't hear, maybe if you were more respectful and reasonable with others they would treat you better. There is not a threat on earth I can legally unleash on my kids that could "make" them respect their dad, that is all on him and his anger and his disrespect for me. Conversely there is nothing I could do that would actually "make" them have no respect for him.

Again not saying that is what is going on it is just it is possible that is what is going on here. Moms don't have the lock on being the good parent anymore than dads have the lock on being bad parents.

Get the book 1,2,3 magic. It works. It won't matter what's ok at dad's house. It matters what's ok at yours.

Set the rules and consequences and stick to them. Tell the kids this is the new rule. They don't get to disagree or debate. You are the parent they are the kids and contrary to some beliefs kids don't always need to have a choice. Sometimes they need to sit down and shut up. Because you said to. They don't have to like it or agree they just need to do it.

When I was a child and my mom said to do something no way would I have screamed at her. If she said jump the only response allowed was how high? I didn't grow up to hate her or think she was a bad mom. I'm grateful she taught me to respect adults. And to behave in an acceptable manner.

Be prepared for some major melt downs. And tell the ex what the rules are at your house in front of the kids. Tell him your not asking for him to approve them your telling him how it's going to be. And stick to your guns. Out of control kids are not ok. Lying kids are not ok. Good for you for addressing it now. Good luck and it does work.

I would suggest family counseling, including the ex

Everything Mira said.

She's attention seeking.
To a sad 7 year old, even negative attention is attention.