How to Talk to the Parents of My Daughter's Best Friend About Her Behavior

Momma L. said it perfectly. reminds me of the "good-good-bad" approach.
Mary loves spending time with Suzy and they get along so well, but something has come to my attention that concerns me. It's something I would want to be aware of, and now that I am aware of it--I feel compelled to share it with you...."

You should DEFINITELY talk to the friend's mom. If you don't, this girl will be taking these web relationships to the next level and meeting up with these creepers. Her mom is probably completely clueless. In matters of safety, the parents need to be notified whether the girl will get mad or not. It could save her life!

I have to talk to parents about their kids behavior in a classroom setting. It typically goes like this:

Give mother and daughter a compliment.

"Your daughter is very sweet and kind and my daughter and her really get along great. That said, I recently became aware of an incident that happened the other night at the sleepover that I really feel you should be aware of as it pertains to some of the girls safety. My daughter is torn because she does not want this to hurt her friendship with the other girls for getting them in trouble, but she also is worried for them." Then tell the rest of the story.

As for your daughter, let her know that while her friends may be mad at her, she is helping them avoid a major safety issue by bringing it to light. The girls may hate her now, but will thank her later on in their lives. These boys could be rapists, have stds, pedophiles, robbers, they could be filming the chats and posting them online.... Also make her aware that it is better to be a friend who takes care of her friends, than one who goes along with things because it is easier... even if it means telling on them.

This is a very tough position to be in, since you don't want your daughter to be outcast. But, if this girl is really giving her phone number to guys online, you need to tell her parents because it is an absolute matter of safety.

Chances are, she is acting out because of all that her mother is going through. She's probably scared and doesn't know what to do.

Tell your daughter what you're going to do. Let her know that you have to tell her mom because it is SO dangerous for your friend to give out her number online.

When you tell the other mom, don't be accusatory. Think about how you would want a parent to approach you. She might not believe what your daughter told you. Just tell the mom you're concerned and want to make sure her daughter is safe.

Also, even though you don't know the other mom well, she is going through a lot and can probably use a new friend and some extra help. Offer to bring her dinner or pick up groceries if you have the means to do it. If you can't help out that way, offer to have her daughter over to your house, or drive her to her chemo treatments. Maybe acting as a surrogate mother to the other girl for awhile will help her calm down a bit.

Very sticky situation! Thank you for being an alert parent who values a close relationship with your own daughter and cares about the welfare of her friends! Obviously anything you do could backfire on you and your daughter, but this girl and her friends are clearly headed for trouble. One possibility would be to have your daughter speak privately with her friend and express concern for her safety. Your daughter could then tell her that she (the friend) needs to talk to her parents about this, and that she (your daughter) will be talking to you about it as well because she cares (don't let her tell the friend that you already know).Have your daughter say that she is giving the friend the opportunity to do this by such-and-such a date, and that she will have to have you talk to her mom if it doesn't happen. The friend must be told that unless her mother contacts you the parent by that date about this issue, you will be bringing it up with that mom. I hope this doesn't sound too confusing. It puts responsibility for her actions back on the friend, with accountability by way of the parents connecting to make sure everyone knows what is going on. Be aware that the friend could choose to lie and try to turn it around by blaming it on your daughter first. You could circumvent this by talking to the mom first and asking her to wait the allotted time for her daughter to come forward, but that would be up to her.
I hope this will help. I have had to alert parents to their own children's dangerous behavior before on the premise that I would want to know if it were my child. It has always been well received by the parents, and the kids either have gotten over it or turned out to be the kind of kids you don't want your child to hangout with anyway. Good luck!

Updated

I neglected to state the obvious - any information the girls have about the person who asked them to undress, and the person to whom the friend gave her name and number MUST be given to the police! Clearly this will open a can of worms between the girls, but will likely also raise local awareness about this very serious issue. All the parents will end up involved, which will put more pressure on your daughter's friend not to participate in this behavior anymore.

Hi,
In my oppinion, the best thing to do is to take a second to visit the other mom & talk gently about your concerns. Let her know what you've seen for yourself and share what your daughter has shared with you by saying: "Some of the other girls have said......"
That way there's no names involved and Mom can help her daughter maintain her safety without breaking any trust.
Do let her know that her daughter is cautious about what her mother is told, and maybe explain that guidance is needed not so much belittling or intimidation.
Keep in mind, that some parents may not act on these warnings in which case I would suggest creating some distance between your daughter and her friend wihth the reason being Friend's unsafe actions and not your daughter's actions.
I hope this helps and sorry if it was too much.
Good luck to you and your daughter, I hope it all goes well.
God bless.

I agree that this is an excellent lesson for your daughter that sometimes doing the right thing can be very hard but that it needs to be done. What your daughter's friend is doing is dangerous and stupid and needs to be stopped.

Just be polite and tell the parents all the facts as you know them.

I know that this is easier said than done but try not to worry about your daughter too much. If I were you I would make sure to tell your daughter she can *completely* blame you to her friends...and not to EVER feel bad for confiding in you...and that she did the right thing by telling you and that you are so very proud of her and that you love her very much for being so strong and for making the right decision by leaving the room when this all was going down! *I would have done something extra special for my daughter for handling the whole situation the way your daughter did! Kudos to you Mom...sounds like you have raised a very good girl who has her head on straight!!

Well I would go about it by calling the parents and telling them that you would like to talk to them about a situation. I'd tell them both what your daughter said, and tell them that you would want a parent to tell you if the tables were turned. Just make sure you don't "point" fingers at people or act like your daughter is better than theirs. I'm sure they would be very interested to know what went on though!! I went through a situation with my son where I was fretting back and forth, whether to call a parent. I did not end up calling that parent. The next week, the parent called me to inquire about a whole different thing, and I ended up spilling the beans, and she was actually upset that i had not called her before, to tell her what was going on. It wasn't something like you are talking about, but it was enough for a parent to worry. I'd call them for sure. Good luck.

You already have a bunch of helpful answers so I just wanted to add on that when you speak with the friend's mother, you strongly recommend she consider purchasing Net Nanny (www.netnanny.com) or some other type of internet monitoring software. It's fairly inexpensive too ($30/year I think). It monitors, restricts and reports website use, chat rooms & social media, time, etc. There's parental controls so you can customize it.

If I were the other parent, I would truly appreciate the heads up. However, keep in mind that it's also possible that the other girls were either lying or exaggerating what happened to get a reaction out of your daughter. It's possible that they are upset that she didn't want to join in and they're trying to either make a secret joke to make her feel left out or make themselves seem cooler. At the very least, I would expect that this is the excuse they'll give when confronted, even if events did transpire as your daughter thinks. If the mother gets the internet monitoring software, she can confront her daughter with evidence and leave your daughter out of it (which would avoid turmoil with their friendship and your relationship).

I also wanted to add that it sounds like you should be giving yourself a pat on the back for raising your daughter to feel comfortable standing up for herself and not following the crowd, having a strong enough relationship with you that she can come to you like this, and that she's aware enough of internet safety (and obviously real life safety as well) to make the right decisions.

For any parents who are interested, there's two good websites that I use to teach internet safety to students in my computer classes: www.netsmartz.com (sponsored by The Center For Missing & Exploited Children) and www.mediaawareness.ca (it's Canadian). There are a variety of games, videos and activities for children of all ages. The Media Awareness site even has a section on advertising awareness.

Absolutely tell her. It's a dangerous situation. Girls have ended up dead in similar situations. I would want to know. I would be angry if someone knew that and didn't tell me.

Can you do it anonymously? Maybe an anonymous but detailed letter to them. Or ask them to keep it a secret as to who the information came from.

ABSOLUTELY talk to the girl's parents! This girl is playing with fire and is going to find herself in some serious trouble if someone does not intervene. It's no wonder she says "Don't tell my mom!" since she probably knows what she is doing is wrong - this is not about her being judged, this is about her parents stepping in and being parents and not letting her have so much rope that she hangs herself. And your daughter needs to understand that she did the right thing by telling you because her friend could be in danger. Let her know that tattling is when you tell to get someone INTO trouble - but this is trying to get someone OUT OF trouble.

I would let the mom know that you need to give her some news that may be troubling, and this is not easy for you, but if it were your daughter, you would want to know. The parents need a serious wake-up call and that girl needs to have that laptop taken away, and no computers in bedrooms or other private areas ever! You could even try talking with a school counselor if you are not comfortable informing the parents. The poor girl probably needs some counseling and professional help because of what her mother is going through. And anyone soliciting a minor in any form can be reported to the police!

I would talk to her face to face and say, "If the tables were turned, I'd want you to come to me. I think that your DD is a sweet girl, but is playing with fire on these chat rooms and you need to know. I think she is afraid to come to you but really does need to have some talks with you about these things."

I would rather the girl be angry with me than be dead because she ran off with a psycho.

I'd also tell DD that even if friend is mad, that is exactly what you are there for - to be the bad guy when necessary and look out for her and her friends.

Now would be a good opportunity for your daughter to learn you can't have it both ways. Doing the right thing sometimes means weighing two bad/distasteful options. Neither of you can protect her friend by not revealing these incidents which means your daughter will be exposed to criticism and other potential negatives. However, what is more important protecting a child exposing herself to some enormous risks or protecting people's opinions of you, your daughter, your daughter's friend and/or her parents?

I think you should talk to your daughter about the potential negative fallout and how you both will address any of it if arises but also stress to your daughter why these secrets cannot be protected. Her friend is on a crash course. As grown women we know what this girl is "looking" for will never be found between the covers with any man. Not that you should impart that lesson to your daughter but this is the potential short term disaster you are trying to offset. It only gets worse from there.

I then think you need to talk to this girl's mother. Her safety is at stake and potentially those of others with her in social settings. What her mother chooses to do with the information is out of your control. Good luck.

Point blank! That's how I would want to know. You know, here is what I know...girls spent the night, went into a chatroom to talk to some guys, a couple of them took of shirts...and then gave out names and phones numbers"...

I see no reason to beat around the bush...just get it out there. But that is me!

I think you should talk to the mom, but I don't know that I would tell her about the shirt thing. I think I would just tell her that she's been in chat rooms and may be providing personal information. The woman has enough on her plate right now and I don't think she needs to know all the details, just that her daughter is engaging in very dangerous behavior.