So I guess this time it’s actually happening, my husband just moved out and we’re going ahead with the divorce; however, because he had an out of town job he left and we haven’t talked to the kids about it yet. They just think dad went to work out of town and will be back soon.
So, now we need to get together to figure things out and talk to the kids (8 and 3) about what’s going on and that’s where I need your help: What do we tell the kids, especially my 8 yro, to help soften the blow? He’s a sensitive child and I’m concern about how this will affect him.
For those of you that are wondering, I don’t think there’s much of a chance we’ll be back together; he’s not ready to stop drinking or going out as if he was a single guy (we’ve been married over 15 yrs) and I don’t believe in ultimatums because it will never change anyone that doesn’t want to. The only reason we’ve lasted so long is because of the kids and because despite his drinking, he’s never been violent or abusive and he’s a good guy; but I just can’t continue to being angry and bitter anymore, I feel like a single mother with a roommate, with most of the load of the kids and household, so at least now I won’t have to worry about his needs or when he comes or goes and I may even get a bit more time to myself.
So anyway, please help me find the words to talk to my kids about their dad and I splitting up.
Thank you for your help!
My divorce was a roller coaster. I went with a need to know basis. All the talks and discussions would have just confused them more because nothing went as it should.
Every divorce is different. I guess my take away is be adaptable, you only have control of half the equation.
I would recommend a book . . . When Dinosaurs Divorce. It really helped when my girls were younger. They don't need the gorey details . . .they just need to know you love them, their dad loves them, they will get to see both of you (!!) and they DONT have to choose sides.
In my case, it was easier for them when he finally left cuz the fighting, yelling and being scared of him was gone.
Good Luck.
I'm very sorry. Telling the kids was probably the hardest part of the divorce.
Keep it as simple as you can. Have a plan for when they will see their dad next. Allow them to ask any questions. Follow their lead. Let them process and try not to overwhelm with too much. They may need time to digest and will ask more questions.
Be prepared for some separation anxiety (or maybe they won't have it). My kids did for nearly three years. The last time I asked my daughter if she was still concerned that I may leave, her response was, "no, I'll just go with you." Granted, she's 14 now.
Good luck and allow yourself some downtime. It can be overwhelming and take some time for yourself.
I haven't been divorced so maybe you will want to skip over my answer. Has your husband found a new place to live or will you be moving? Who will the children be living with? Once this has been established, I would just sit your boys down together and explain to them that you guys both really love them but have decided that Mommy and Daddy are going to live in separate houses. You will want them to help pick out the new things at the other place and have things there that remind them of home. I know I haven't been through it but I would try not to bash the other parent EVER in front of the kids.They just need to know that mommy & daddy love them very much. I am so, so sorry you are going through this.
Keep it simple. Don't badmouth your soon-to-be ex. Keep the message clear: Daddy and I love you both very much, and this is what's happening now."
"We both love being with you kids, and it isn't working for the grown-ups to live together any more. This happens sometimes with grown-ups and parents. Daddy is a good person, and I know he loves you. I love you."
Beyond this, I would probably want to talk to a counselor for some guidance. Perhaps the school counselor can help. You want to help the kids, not throw their father under the bus. I wonder what advice you could get about perhaps discussing the issue of alcoholism? I ask this because I wonder how much this will affect his custodial arrangements. Do you feel he could be safe with having the children overnight? Sometimes, we can tell our kids "we really aren't getting along any more, and we both love you" and sometimes we must share something a bit more sobering. I think someone who knows your family a little better, or who has experience giving counsel of this sort, would be able to help.
Be sure to let them know that this is NOT about them. There is nothing they could do to change things and make Daddy stay. It's okay for them to love and miss Daddy, and when they visit Daddy, it's okay for them to love and miss you.
Try to have the conversation with both you and your husband present. Only initiate it yourself if he refuses to do it in a timely way. Reassure the children that they will be able to see their father regularly, and try to already have a scheduled time set for this, because they will likely ask. "Next weekend, we'll see him at X" is more reassuring than "I don't know, I need to check with him." Insist that he keep those visitation commitments.
Lastly, family counselors can help you with some of this. Be sure to let your son's teacher and school counselor know, too. Every child handles divorce differently, so it will be helpful for them to know.
Talk to the school counsellor. They are a musch better source of advise. And should be a resource if your older child needs someone to talk to. My daughters elementary school actually has a lunch "support group" on this topic. Consulting a private therapist is even better and maybe something you should do for yourself and to document any issues related to protecting the kids from someone who can't control their drinking.
Overall, you and he need to show respect and even liking for each other in front of them. Let them know they are good kids who will always have free access to either parent (assuming) he can be safe with the kids). Also maintaining that you are ALL still a "family" is important. The marriage is ending, not the family and you'll still celebrate birthdays and school events together. Hopefully, that is true anyway, as that is what your kids will want to hear. Overall, put yourselves in there position - what would you want to know? Mom and Dad will stop fighting now and be friends. Hopefully you can do that.
My husband and I are in the same boat. He left the house last April. Our children are 6 and 4. We sat them down and explained to them that mom and dad are not being very nice to each other and we need to have some time away from each other. We then said Dad is moving to a different house where they will now have another bedroom that they get to help decorate and tried to get them excited about that.
It was not the complete truth. We don't fight and their dad is a good guy. Just like what you said, he drinks too much and I felt like a single mom having to make all of the decisions and keep everyone on schedule because I did not want the input of someone who was not sober. I could not tolerate it anymore. My 6 year old is a sensitive child also. He tells me every day that he misses dad and wants to know why dad can't come back to our house. I just keep reminding him that mom and dad's job is to be the best parents we can and for mom to do that I can't have dad in the house. I know I am a better parent without him in the house. I am not angry/upset everyday. I don't check the garbage to see how many empty beer cans there are.
My husband is struggling with my decision. He doesn't understand why it is a problem for me since it is not a problem for him and he has a good job. He has no desire to change because it is not a problem for him. I hope he is or will become (after some more time passes) a better parent also.
I have found I enjoy my kids more because I am happier in general. I do have more time to myself. However, there are some days when I am overwhelmed without having a second person there. One day at a time. It also helps we are on very good terms. We both attend all kid events and he brings me money for his portion of kid costs on the schedule we agreed upon.
It was really rough for the first 2 weeks after we told the kids. They cried alot and it would say things like "my daddy doesn't live with me anymore" to random people. My older child also got upset with my husband and would not listen to him one day. When questioned about it, my son said he didn't want to listen to someone that left without him. I know it broke my husband's heart. So I sat down with my son and explained to him again that it was mom's decision and I had to do it to make me a better/happier person and it was ok to miss dad and still like him. I also told him if he wanted to be mad at anyone, it should be me.
School has made things a bit easier too because we are all busy with having to be somewhere on a schedule, homework, packing lunches, soccer, dance, etc.
Sorry this is turning out so long. One last thing I thought of, I started giving my older child the opportunity to help with more things around the house. I did not force him, but said hey I could use some help with dusting, do you want to do it and earn some money. We each have regular chores, but if the kids help do extra stuff then they get rewarded for it. He is all about helping. He even packs his lunch everyday. I inspect after he is done, but he takes care of 95% of it. I can't believe what a good job he does. I think this has really helped him because it makes him feel like he can control something.
I would make sure both of you talk to them together. We also had a family dinner on Sunday night for the first 2 months. It was ackward, but good for the kids. We have stopped now, but still see each other twice a week for kid activities.
Let me know how this goes for you. We can compare stories. :)
Ask the Children's librarian at your library for some books to read and talk about with your children. You'll also find books to help you know how to talk with them as well as deal with other issues.
we lived together for a bit after we seperated so we J. continuously talked about how soon she was going to have 2 bedrooms and the exciting parts of it. she was 3 so at the time we didnt need to have "a talk" and J. answered questions when they;ve come up. 3 years later she still asks at times if we can live together again and how she loved that.
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we lived together for a bit after we seperated so we J. continuously talked about how soon she was going to have 2 bedrooms and the exciting parts of it. she was 3 so at the time we didnt need to have "a talk" and J. answered questions when they;ve come up. 3 years later she still asks at times if we can live together again and how she loved that.
