How to Handle Questions on the Non Participatig Father

Regardless of how a dad is behaving (alcoholic at home, absentee dad away) I told my kids that their job is to love their dads just the way they are. Since disappointment is their constant companion, I tell them that I understand their disappointment.

Let her direct the conversations and you mirror them back to her: "It sounds like you are so sad about..." or "I can hear your disappointment about..."

Since you can't fix it and you can't eliminate her desire to have a real dad experience (you are right, it's a very bad idea to dis him), your job is to simply comfort her in her sadness and support her in her love for him.

The more you can act the part of an objective observer, the more she can have an authentic experience around her feelings. The more she is allowed to have her feelings with you listening, the faster she will let go of her need to talk/think about him and to voice her expectations and desires.

Remember, this is a loss for her, so your job is to listen and acknowledge the loss without imposing a time-line or solution (since there is neither to be had).

I give you credit for not bad mouthing him in front of your daughter. I don't have experience with this but my parents remained nice to each other and never bad mouthed each other and that was nice. There was no tention or having that feeling of wanting to please one or the other based on what I heard. Your daughter will be able to establish her own opinions. Just keep supporting her and letting her know it's not her fault. I'd almost want to give up on him at this point. If he can't come over when he wants somethings wrong. He says that you won't let him so how did he get that idea? Maybe let him know he is welcome to come over this day of the week preannounced and prescheduled and see if he takes you up on that once a week visit. You can increase it from there. I worry that your daughter may act out as she nears teenage years but hopefully your boyfriend and her has established a close relationship which may help. It's not like having your own dad around though. I had a step-mother and I couldn't talk to her about things I would wait to talk to my own mother about. Good luck to your family and I hope he steps it up a bit.

I'd make it clear to your daughter that she can talk to you about her biological dad any time she wants to. She can ask to call him or visit him any time, too. But, there's no pressure, no expectations. If she's not interested, that's totally cool. I wouldn't force get-togethers. You tell the ex the door is open for him to contact/visit your daughter, but the effort is up to him. And, I know you won't be surprised when he doesn't follow through (and then tries to blame you for his lack of effort). I agree with the poster who said to describe your ex's alcoholism to your daughter. It's a disease that makes me people so self-absorbed that they can't reach out and be there for anybody else. And, that's really, really sad. But, it's not her fault, and it's not her job (or yours, or your fiance's) to fix him. It sounds like your fiance's stepped up to the plate as a good father-figure for your daughter, but it's not his job to fix the dynamic between your ex and your girl (even if it's admirable of him). His greatest gift to her (and, hopefully some solace to him for his missing father relationship) is to be fully present as a parent for her.

I am going through a divorce. You don't have to say anything to your daughter about her dad... she gets it. Focus on making a family with her and your fiance. She knows the truth about her dad; don't pressure her to spend time with him or to make nice with him (phone calls). She should initiate the contact.

I might be reading your post wrong, but it seems to me your daughter doesn't want to cultivate a relationship with her biological dad..that it's your current boyfriend's idea that she should call her pops?

I say read your daughter's cues, not your SO's. From what you've shared with us about your ex, it sounds like he's emotionally unavailable, and your daughter is probably very aware of this, and really only makes contact with him to appease you.

I'd ask her what she wants to do. Maybe there's more to the story than you know. Maybe she's afraid of him because of his apparent alcoholism. Maybe she's resentful that he forces her to care for her half-sister. Maybe she's just fed up with his absentism and sorry half-attempts at love through late gifts. You don't say whether there's a court appointed visitation. Short of court a appointed visitation, why bother pursuing the relationship if it's one-sided? In the long-run it will only create undue pain and stress in your daughter's life. He's clearly not a suitable role model, and if he can't simply be there for her to simply show her fatherly love, what's the point?

Also, to address your concerns about creating ill-will between your child and ex due to your own feelings about him, from what I see here, there's no reason to fret about bad mouthing the guy, or being a road block to her having a relationship with her father. It sounds like he might be doing it for you through his own actions and words. I do agree that while he seems to be troubled, it's probably a good policy to not be seen lowering to his standards by cutting him down. Just be sure to communicate with your daughter, and don't be afraid to be honest. Just don't be mean as your being honest. Say, "Dad is dealing with a serious illness called alcoholism. It causes him to behave in a not-so-great way. I'm certain he doesn't mean to hurt your feelings" etc.

If at a later time in her life she decides to pursue a relationship with him, so be it. Just make sure it's on her terms, not anyone elses. Now if his behavior toward your daughter is downright dangerous or abusive, you have every right to discourage a relationship between them. In fact, it would be wise to go back to the courts for a reconsideration of visitation rights or even contact proper authorities for her safety's sake.