How to Get past Disappointment in Daughter's Choice of Significant Other

Wait and see what happens. I dated a loser for the bulk of my PhD program. We broke up when I was 27. I then met my husband at 29. No comparison between the two.

I can see why you’re not thrilled, but I would wait and see how everything plays out. She’s only 25 and still in school. A lot can change in the next few years once she’s done with school and gets a new job.

You say he doesn't treat her special but you have no idea what goes on when they are alone. My husband doesn't buy me expensive gifts because he knows they would mean nothing to me, but he does give me wonderful back massages because he knows I appreciate them and it is a way for him to pamper me and show his love. Your daughter and this man have their own ways of showing love I am sure and you might not see them all.

What were you hoping for? More earning potential? I am lucky my SO is not concerned about that because working in early childhood education I will never make much money.

If she truly loves him and he loves her and she is happy than there is really nothing to be disappointed about! It is time to accept that she has to live her own life and find her own happiness, and it may not look like what you expected and that is okay.

You be patient, wait and see how things play out. A lot can change in a short time.

Why have you not tried to get to know him? From your description, he already knows you don't approve.

My mother didn't approve of my husband for stupid reasons ( he was a Yankee and I was born/raised in BFE MS). I was married 26 years until he died in 2015.

My mother has missed out with my daughter (now 23) due to her judgy pants and attitude. My relationship with her was never good again. We are civil, see each other now but she has major regrets of how she treated my husband and what she lost because of her behavior.

Things typically fall into place. Trust your daughter. Be thankful if he treats her with respect and loves her.

Just wait and see what happens.
Don't say anything to alienate her or him.
She might wake up sooner than later - or not - it might take years - some women make a series of disastrous choices one after another.
She's an adult, she can make her own decisions - and she'll have to live with what ever she decides.
You need to hold your reservations and make a leap of faith that you raised her well enough that she can make a good choice.

The girl who lived next door chose a goofball.
A hard working goofball and not a bad guy - but I have to resist the urge to slap him upside the back of his head sometimes.
She's happy.
Her parents like him.
I think she could have done better but oh well - there's nothing to do about it.

Additional:
While it's nice for a possible future son in law to be polite, I'm not sure I'd really want an Eddie Haskell type politeness from him - it's so fake.

I was with a guy for years who was not great to me, but I wasn't being great to myself. My family was concerned, and rightly so. What they did was get to know him as best they could, showed kindness, but mostly supported me and let me know I deserved the best. Over time, I could see he would never 'fit in' with my family (which would bother me), and that was just because of who he was. I also saw, on my own, that he didn't treat me well - and I was selling myself short, in all areas.

I doesn't sound like your daughter is doing that. She sounds like a smart cookie, and is trying to make up her mind on her own - as you say, figuring out stuff about her morals with this guy.

Just support her, get to know the man, and keep letting her know you're behind her. That's key.

Give him some credit - she must see something of value in him.

I went back and continued my education later in life, as do many people. It upped my earning potential considerably and it was when I really knew what I wanted to focus on. This guy may have had hardships or things happen early in life (child, etc.) that threw him for a loop. He may be reserved and quiet, or introverted. I'd give him a chance - make the time to really get to know him, if they are serious. Try not to judge.

Mostly though - really support your daughter. She needs to know she deserves the world, because that's the message she needs - so that she chooses a life partner that reflects that. If she feels her parents don't think she's smart enough to do that at 25 - that's not sending a positive message. You need to show that you trust her judgement.

If they do end up together, and you don't care for him, then that's something you just have to come to grips with. We all have friends or family who have made choices in partners we aren't fond of. You just minimize your contact with them - and focus on the relationships you have with your family members. It's not the end of the world. It's their relationship - not yours.

Spending time with him won't encourage the relationship. It will give you a better basis for understanding who he is, and it might well open up communication channels. As you get to know him better, your daughter might feel more comfortable asking for you your opinon on some aspects of their relationship.

Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do here. If she wants to marry him she will.

My daughter has been married twice, I didn't agree with either of her choices. Each marriage lasted 3 years and then to divorce court. I have done my best not to say 'I told you so' and only said it once after each marriage fell apart.

The only thing you can do is be there for her. Support her in every way you can to finish her degree and get a fabulous job. The one thing you have going for you is the huge gap in their educations and backgrounds. I don't know what she is getting her PhD in but I am sure he will not fit in with her colleagues. After a few get togethers with co-workers with everyone talking about things he will not understand she may see the fact he will never fit into her world. She may at that time decide to move on and find someone who is her intellectual equal.

On the other hand: if he treats her with respect and truly loves her, she is in a better place than with a man who does not treat her well.

it's a tough one for sure. as parents we feel morally called to let our kids know our honest feelings (and honesty is paramount) but the truth is also that no one wants unsolicited advice- and nowhere do i see that she's asked you.

so you rein your natural disappointment and be warm and welcoming to him.

even if he doesn't give you much back.

if she asks (and she probably won't) be honest but very diplomatic. if this ends up being a long-term thing you don't want to be on the wrong side of their door.

it may be that if you stuff down your natural reaction and allow a closer relationship to develop that you'll see the hidden gem that she does.

but even if not, your first priority is to not push away your daughter.

good luck!

khairete
S.

I'd start spending time with him to get to know him better. I'd also keep talking with my daughter in a non judgmental way to see how she sees her future with or without this guy. Your husband has the perfect gateway with her discussions about morals. You can ask what that means to her. If she thinks talking with his will change how he lives his life you can let her know that people only really change if they want to. If you want them to? They might make the effort for a little while but they'll just change back at some point.

The guy I dated before I married my DH was fun, but totally not marriage material. I knew it deep down that he wasn't but he was attractive and we had a great time together.

I am so glad that I didn't marry him. Like I said I knew he wasn't the right one for me but I was considering it just because he was there and we were dating.

My parents were really nice to him but told me later they were glad when I moved on. So, be sure to be nice to him...just in case...she seems like a smart girl and hopefully is just having fun with this one and will cut him loose in a bit. Good luck!!

You have to realize that it is her choice and she does not have to live her life to make you happy. Be pleasant to all of her friends and let your daughter know you will always love and support her. Now let their relationship be.

At a minimum, at least be supportive of him insofar as he is a special person to your daughter. My MIL judged me to be of "poor character" when she first met me - sadly, our relationship really never got to a good place even though her son and I have 6 kids and have been married a very long time. I used to bend over backwards to try to get her to like me. I wish I wouldn't have as it never did any good. Perhaps your daughter's boyfriend decided not to even bother to try (which could have been also your daughter kind of prepping him that you guys wouldn't like him anyways for whatever reason).

Interestingly, and although I am of "poor character" his folks had no problems eating all the food I cooked for them and drove up nearly 3 hrs each way every weekend for months when my MIL was hospitalized and after she went home because my FIL has never cooked a meal in his life.

Why don't you ask your daughter why she loves him - maybe you will see more of the qualities that will endear him to you.

Good luck!

I think by disapproving of him and not wanting to spend time with him you ARE alienating her and closing her off to talking to you, you're kind of subtly telling her you oppose of him and question her choices. Odds are she won't be marrying him, how many people end up marrying someone they date while in college, especially in undergrad, and when there is such a disparity in terms of education and career? He didn't even finish high school. The fact she already has issues with his morals is already a pretty big red flag when it comes to anything serious and it is great that she realizes that. Couple that with her realizing he has to pay child support for over a decade (maybe she also ends up realizing she is too young or uncomfortable being a stepmother so early in her life when she starts spending a lot of time with the child), and she may end up deciding against it. She may just be living in the moment or is attracted to him physically, she may end up deciding against this if something better comes along. Even moving in with him may turn her off enough, if it's a lifestyle she is not used to or if he has questionable housekeeping habits.

Boyfriend has never had guidance from a man. Your husband could be a mentor for him. Your husband could make friends with him and go fishing or ball games or whatever y'all do in your town. The Boyfriend has not been taught skills in social relationships. It is not his fault that he didn't have parents like your daughter has. Good luck.

Understandable, but this is a very slippery slope.

She’s 25 and a doctoral student. She’s obviously smart. You’ve done your job parenting her. You’re done. Yes, you are helping her financially, and that’s a wonderful thing. But you are done parenting. Let that sink in. Just because she’s still in your house doesn’t mean she’s your dependent, your minor child to raise, or (frankly) your business. And I say this as a parent whose 20-something was in and out of our house until age 26. You just have to let go.

My advice is to stop asking about their plans to marry and stop showing your disappointment/disapproval. Tell her she’s smart, can do anything she wants, and help rid her life of distractions that get in the way of her doctorate. Let her concentrate on her studies, write her dissertation, and defend her thesis. Hope that she gets a great job!

She will only have the strength to leave a loser if she feels supported. By telling her (directly or indirectly) that she’s not making a good choice, you are undermining her confidence.

Maybe this guy is terrific and he just isn’t sharing anything with you. Maybe he doesn’t think you like him or will approve, maybe he thinks you want him to measure up against your yardstick. So stifling him will just lead her to defend him. Maybe her nervousness about her dissertation is making her doubt herself, and it’s just so much easier to deal with a low-key guy. If it were me, I’d invite him to dinner and refrain from asking him about his life goals or his job. Find out about his interests – maybe he is a great poker player, maybe he can grill a great steak, maybe he was a terrific Eagle Scout. Embrace and support him as a way to support your daughter.

Maybe he’s a loser. Maybe he has no ambition, hidden or otherwise. So just wait until she gets a good job and wakes up to this. Maybe it’s easier for her to manage her workload and her stress by being with a low-maintenance guy who thinks she’s awesome and brilliant all the time. That’s got to feel good when her parents show how disappointed they are. I know you want the best for her – but it’s going to backfire and maybe it already is. She does not require your approval – he knows it too.

Maybe she’ll get a great job 300 miles away, and she’ll leave him behind. Great. You’ve given her wings, now you need to let her fly. Don’t beg her to stay close. Let her go.

You will need every bit of good will and good feeling between her and you if this whole thing falls apart and she needs a soft place to fall and a shoulder to cry on. It’s time to trust your parenting enough to let her be an adult.