what to do I've gone up North to visit him a couple of times but it his mom who is giving me the money for my daughter. He dosen't even hold her or take care of her. When I'm at home he never calls to see how she is doing even when I was pregnate he never called. The only time he took notice was to see the full ultra sound. His girl friend had to come with him. What do I do Say the Hell with Him? He doesn't give me child support.
First I want to thank everyone who responded it really meant alot. It's nice to have another form of support other than my family and friends. I did put a stop on the going up north issue. He called and wanted to tell me the soap opera stuff between his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend on how they argue and get into fights. He is so clueless all he thinks about is himself so today I am going to file for child support. It's just I don't want to share custody. Because I'm not working though I am getting unemployment, it scares me that he could go to court and say I am making more money and want to take her away. Don't the courts look at life style because he told me how he has been picking women up at bars when his son is gone for the weekend. I don't want my daughter to go through that. So I am keeping a journal.
Any again thank you everyone who answered.
I agree....CHILD SUPPORT!!!
Even if you don't need the money, It is his duty as a father to help support her. He does not have to be a part of her life. My daughter has seen her dad 1 time in the last 8 years. He still pays child support monthly.
I totally agree with the prior two moms. Go to the county and get child support!! You both deserve his monetary support. As far as trying to get him to be physically/emotionally involved don't waste your time or energy on him. If he wants to be a good father he will be there. Your daughter deserves better. My advise for the future: be honest with her. Don't lie about it or make things up. I wish you the best. I was in the same situation and my daughter is now 13-confident, beautiful and smart. I got married and she now has the best 'dad' ever.
Please make sure you have someone in the courts who you trust will help you keep your daughter. It is rare even nowadays for the dad to get full custody, but it does happen. If you are on just unemployment and not disability, you may need to look into whatever programs your state has to help people get work. here in michigan, we have "MichaganWorks", just such a program. (It doesn't actually get you a job necessarily but it proves you are "trying.") Sorry for the cynicism, but I have seen how all that works from more than one angle. I will pray for you.
G.:
I am so sorry this has happened to you and your daughter. He is a manipulative, emotional abuser. Go after child support most states will do all the work for you. All you do is give them his information name, address, social security number if you have it, place of work, the child support services do the rest.
Please do this for your daughter. I raised my kids without getting child support, only now do I realize that their quality of life would have so much better. If I had gone after child support. They grew up hearing 'I'm sorry honey we can't afford that'.
You need to take legal action to get child support. This is your daughters right. It is his choice whether or not he is a part of his child's life- you can't force him. If grandma wants to be a part of it let her. She should come visit too- not just you go there. Just be there for your child. When she is older she will have lots of questions about her dad and why he doesn't want to see her.
I am in a similar situation as you in which the father of my child (who is now 2 1/2) has little to nothing to do with my daughter. I do not call him except when he calls me which once was at 4 months to come see her and again at 2 years, and now since he's had his new girlfriend, she received a Christmas present last year and a card with money for her 2nd birthday so I called him to thank him and let him know what the money was spent on.
I was told that if I didn't make a big deal out of it, then neither will she, and so far, this has been the case. I'm sure she is seeing that some people have fathers and wonder what that is all about. I'm sure later she is going to be asking me questions about her biological father, but when I talked to women who grew up well-adjusted without their biological father in their lives, they said that their moms did not talk positively or negatively about their biological father. They answered questions factually when asked, but they didn't put the focus on the parent missing in the child's life. Instead they put the focus on the parent who is in the child's life.
This is what I'm doing. I don't want my daughter thinking that something was wrong with her or she's unlovable because her father is not in her life. It's his choice, and he will feel the weight of that choice as she grows up and he realizes he missed all that time with her. This is what you need to remind yourself. Don't focus on her loss. Realize that it's his loss and all the begging and pleading is not going to make him want to spend time with your daughter anymore. It will just be a boost to his ego and a kick to hers as she wonders why this very important person wants nothing to do with her.
Maybe in time after you stop calling him, he will become curious and call you and want to see her, and when he does, then you can give your daughter the opportunity to learn who this person is. Just make sure you are amicable and the bigger person. Children are very perceptive and you want to make sure that he has no way of blaming the fact that he didn't come to see her on you. I hope this helps.
Angie
I would be thankful if I were you. At any moment he can apply for half custody and get it, even if he has never been involved with your child's life until this point. I wish I had known that and left the state when I could have, because now my daughter has to live with hher dad half time. It seems like he filed for custody after being pressured by his mom and girlfriend so that he didn't have to pay child support. Most men who apply for custody are granted it.
The last 6 months of my daughter's life her father has not made any effort of communication. She is 13 now we split when she was 2. Resentments are starting to build mainly in me..... I know what I have to do is PRAY for him.... Today I am going to start....
well, you learn from your mistakes and yes you were blessed with a sweet little spirit. I wouldn't push it, if he doesn't want anything to do with her then leave it be and take the love from the mother. The only way that child will be affected negatively is if you let her know what your frusterations about her father are and if you talk negative about him, just don't mention him. take care of you and your daughter!! I believe everything happens for a reason and there is a reason you aren't with jerko. move on and live a happy life with or without a man just make your life the best it can be and be happy about it. don't use up all of your good energy and turn it into bad and waste it all on this guy who isn't even worth your negative thoughts ;) good luck and God bless!
You don't say how old your daughter is but sounds like the grandma is involved somewhat and trying. I wouldn't push the father/daughter relationship on them if she is under a year old because she will grow up wondering about her dad but not being disappointed when he doesn't show up when he is suppose to or not being there for her when needed.
I left my first husband when my oldest child was only 3 weeks old. He kept in touch until he was ordered to pay child support in the divorice and by the time my son was 5 months old, he was no where to be found. He too had an older child from a previous marriage and from what I understand from his mother, he started doing the same thing with him. I met my 2nd husband when my son was 6 months old and we married when he was just barely a year old. My husband adopted my son at 2 and we also have two more children together. Although my son did go through a time not understanding why his "real dad" wasn't around, I explained that there is two kinds of dads... one is biological, that is where you get your genes, and that is what my first husband is... the other kind is the "real dad" and that can be a biological dad or an adopted dad or even a step dad and that is the one who is there to support you and play ball with you and take care of you. I think he got the idea although he looked at me and said "Jack should send me more Jeans, these ones have a hole in them"
It is better to have an absent father then one who resents you involved in your life. He is losing out the most.
Get a order for childsupport!
I've learned one thing in life you can't make or force anyone to do something. No matter how much you want it you can't make him want your daughter or make him spend time with her, that is hard to accept. My daughter's dad has been out of her life for a few years now but I get my child support every month it's automatically garnished from his paycheck. In the last 6 years I've never had a late or missed payment.
wow your situation sounds like me 5 years ago... met him at work, went out a couple times and started dating, moved in together and found out we were already a month pregnant... moved out 2 months later and broke up about a month after that. he hasn't been involved since. Convinced himself that he's not the father and I have not seen any support from him. This was 5 years ago...
Now, I just got married almost 3 months ago to a man that is the light of my life and makes an amazing daddy. He will be adopting my daughter and we couldn't be happier. Obviously this is a decision that YOU have to make. I had my parents and my father was a very good role model for her being rasied with out a consistant father figure in her life... we got no support from him, I worked and took care of us, but it IS POSSIBLE> I know a lot of people would tell you that the best thing is to have him in her life, but I would strongly urge you to look at the situation and really determine what the positives and negatives are with him being involved or not and make your decision from there. BUT just know that it can be done without him involved and SOMETIMES it is a better thing to not have him in her life.
Good luck!
I am a grown woman who never knew my dad. He was never involved in my life or cared to be. My mother never had anything but bad things to say about him. Even now I struggle with my feelings on him. What I do know is that it is never a good idea, no matter how big of a loser the biological dad is to talk bad about him to your daughter. His DNA helped to create her, and whether you like him or not, she is part of him. So talk bad about him and you are talking bad about her. She will realize when she is older that he is a loser on her own, but will resent you if you say bad things about him.
Secondly my mother married the first guy that came along and while he tried to be a good dad, wasn't. As a mother, myself, if I were ever in a situation where I were single again, I think I would probably wait until my kids were grown before getting involved with anyone else. If you can not do this, I would not bring men in and out of her life, it will not be a good thing for her on so many levels. She should not know any other man, unless you are marrying him. Pick wisely now, for your daughter's sake, she deserves it, and so do YOU!
And yes, go for the child support, you are going to need it. He should be keeping his pants on if he is not ready to financially and emotionally support a child. My best to you and your daughter. Life is hard, but it is also sweet, enjoy your little girl.
