How to Get Help?

Updated on August 21, 2015
T.B. asks from Allen, TX
5 answers

We were in an abusive relation ship, where the dad physically abused us. After the divorce I had primary custody but my ex husband has taken us back to court again and again and now he has reduced my custody recently to less than 50/50 unjustly. My attorney was not prepared and made numerous mistakes. We were falsely accused of parental alienation but it is the dad and step-mom who is alienating...telling my children to call her their mom and me their "birth mom". Telling the children lies about our faith that we worship Mary and added books to the Bible. Interfering with our phone conversations by hanging up during reading of Bible stories from the gospel or praying together. Not allowing my children to call me and preventing me from being able to call them. They have told the children numerous bad things about me like I am selfish, alienating, difficult, I teach them bad things, I feed them bad things. Interfering with our visitation during lunch period at school. Not telling me where the dad takes the children for activities with him. Not allowing the children to participate in activities even ballet Nutcracker performance. Telling my daughter discouraging things like she has a tummy and needs to run and she should not perform in the Nutcracker ballet because she did it last year and even lieing telling her that she already performed the same character which she had not. Neglecting to treat my son and daughter when the Dr orders medical treatment. My children say they are afraid to call me mom because them might get spanked. I see distress in my son's eyes when I tell him that he can call me anytime and then he says "well you can call me" in a very happy tone. I believe their dad is coaching the children during phone conversations. My younger son clings to me hugging me for at length for almost the entire time I saw him last at meet the teacher.

I have tried very hard to be the peacemaker and non-alienating. I have tried to befriend his new wife by inviting her to lunch on more than one occasion. I have given the children money to buy Christmas gifts for their dad step-mom and step-children. I babysit the children for their dad and step-mom so they can go out on Valentines day and we even get a valentine gift for them. We have baked cookies, picked peaches, bought wild flower seeds, sent treats such as watermelon and donuts, sent Father’s day cards, invitations to birthday parties, sent six flag tickets, offered to share museum pass, and have done many other little acts of kindness to be non-alienating. Yet, we have been falsely accused of being alienating.

The attorney did not help us and the judge made a terrible judgment that is hurting my children. I don't know what to do? How do we get the help we need? Please pray for us.

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So What Happened?

It seems some people are not aware of what parental alienation is and can do to harm a child. Please if you do not know, consider reading up on the subject before you respond. Blessings.

Also, it is court ordered that parents are to allow each other information regarding activities (enrolled extracurricular activities...ballet, soccer, music lessons...).

More Answers

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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

For now you have to share custody with your ex, but you can take him to court and ask for a change in custody. Until you are ready and able to do that, keep notes on the things that are harmful to the children. As hard as this is going to be, though, you have to separate the things that annoy or insult you from the things that harm them. Attacking your faith, telling the kids to call you "birth mom" and trying to convince your daughter she doesn't know which role she played in the Nutcracker are examples of him being petty and just trying to upset you. He's not being a very good parent, but he's not damaging them, either. Try to focus on the things that are truly harmful to the children, like denying them medical care.

Remember, when the kids are with him, that is his time. He doesn't have to tell you what they are doing, and he doesn't have to let them talk to you every day, even if it is to read the Bible or pray. You can do that with them on your time. He doesn't have to do it on his time. Even if you are only able to share your faith with them during your time, it will still have a huge impact on them.

Please stop wasting your time and money buying your ex things. You don't need to babysit or buy them gifts or send them things. When he told the judge you were alienating him, the judge took that to mean you weren't letting the kids see him. He gets to see the kids 50% of the time, so he really can't accuse you of alienating him.

The children deserve to have a relationship with their father. If you are truly concerned that he is abusing them (not the same things as saying bad things about you), talk to your lawyer about that. Otherwise, try to make this work. You don't have to like him. You just have to be supportive of the fact that he is their father.

ETA - You're right, I did not know what parental alienation was. I just looked it up, and it does not mean that you have to buy your ex things or give him gifts or send him a Valentines Day card or buy him tickets to six flags or invite his wife to lunch or any of the things you mentioned.

I do apologize if the court did order him to let you know whether or not he chooses to take the kids to the park for the afternoon. That does sound extreme! It would be nice if he told you what the kids did while they were with him, but I wouldn't expect a detailed itinerary.

My point wasn't that he's a great parent or everything that he does is ok. My point was, before you go to court again, make a list of the things that are noteworthy and that actually harm your children. Not giving you a detailed list of everything they do should not be on the list. Not allowing you to read a gospel passage to them over the phone during his week should not be on the list. And he can't say you are guilty of parental alienation because you only bought him 4 tickets to six flags when he really needed 6.

I'm just saying, be smart about this. You need to be able to convince the judge that having this much time with their father is a bad thing for them.

My husband and I disagree on politics. His way of saying why he doesn't like my candidate is to say things like, "He's Satan," or "I just don't trust him." I told him, you have to convince me that the candidate is wrong about an issue. Convince me! Well, you're going to have to convince a judge, and judges tend to want you to not waste their time on petty things. So make sure the concerns you bring forward are valid and convincing, that those concerns truly to have negative effects on your children.

Just make sure you are careful about the issues you choose to focus on.

4 moms found this helpful
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K.F.

answers from New York on

Do you trust God?

For almost two years my husband didn't know where his son was living with his ex-wife. Yet he trusted God. One night on his commute home from work he received a phone call from a state trooper. He was asked by the trooper if he would be willing to travel to another state to pick up his son. We did and we now have custody of that son.

My husband trusted God. It sounds like you may need to do the same with this thought in your mind: Isaiah 54:17 and Romans 8:28.

Also know that you don't get to know where the dad takes the kids no more than he gets to know where you take the kids unless court ordered. Get your children out of the middle of grown folks nonsense. Stop trying to befriend the new wife. Focus on your relationship with your kids and make that the best you can.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

What a terrible situation. You need to discuss this in more detail with your attorney. Ask him/her how he plans to rectify this situation. If he gives you nothing concrete, you need to find new legal counsel.

You are a victim of domestic violence. In CA, there are laws that protect victims of DV in child custody cases, giving them custody of the children. I wonder if TX has similar laws and if your attorney brought that to the court's attention?

You must also document everything relevant to your child custody case - facts that can help you at your next hearing. I don't know how child custody hearings are in TX, but in CA, child custody cases end up being he said she said. So the person with well documented, detailed facts has an advantage. When I say detailed, I mean DETAILED - with dates, time, circumstances, and FACTS surrounding the event (who, what, when, where, how). For instance, you mentioned he interfered with your visitation during lunch period at school. That's a conclusory statement. What did he do or say? How did he do it? When did this happen?

Document EVERYTHING you think is relevant to your child custody case to support that he's not acting in the "best interest of the child" (I think this is the standard in most states). You can accuse him of alienating and many other things, but you need to have facts to support your allegations and prove up your case.

3 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Get a better lawyer.

1 mom found this helpful
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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

Contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. They have a website and an 800 number.

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