Want to preface this and say I'm a stepmother myself so I can understand the importance of the role she plays as a parental figure in her home. My issue is that she will not allow me to coparent with my childs father. I have physical custody, we share legal custody with father having standard visitation. End of Spring, I agreed to a six month "trial" period of week to week under the understanding that if it did not seem to be benefiting our child I would end the trial. Stepmom has always taken upon herself to discuss all parenting matters with me or insert herself in ex and I's conversations, but for a couple months she stopped doing that and I thought we had turned a new leaf. If dad really wants more time, I wanted him to have it. However during this trial my child witnessed dad physically assualt mom. (No files charged) I recieved lots of phone calls and texts from stepmom regarding her "leaving" bad situation. I went and picked my child up. Decided to go strictly by the court ordered agreement. Dad in text complied with my decision. A few days later him and ex got back together and the harrassment started from her. In text telling me "she's a better mother, my son wants her to be his mommy. She won't try to keep him from hating me anymore. They will fight for full custody... so on and so forth" I do not reply to her and I've saved every message. Recently asked for child support which I did not enforce payment during the summer because time was equally split so was just asking for this months and got screamed at by both of them over the phone with my child there. I was so upset, I hung up the phone and they called me back immediately after and had handed the phone to our son while I'm tearfully yelling for them to leave me alone. Got off the phone again and stepmom called me from her phone, I answered just please leave me alone and once again it was our child. I should have known but I was in such a state. They plan to "use that against me." My son tells me that she makes him call her "mommy" because if he doesn't she won't hear him. He's 4 years old. I feel she is purposefully trying to alienate him from me. On top of that I went to access medical records for the purpose of getting insurance for him and the hospital wouldn't let me because she had apparently listed herself as the mother! At pick up and drop off she clings to my son who has a "confused" stare on his face telling him how sorry she is that he has to leave! I understand she's his stepmother but this is borderline crazy! With all the texts and proof of her falsifying her parental status on medical documents will a judge be willing to modify our custody order so she can't interfere? I know my child loves his stepmother, no doubt about that. He has a sibling at his dads as well. Do I have any chance of getting a judge to listen to me? I want him to have a relationship with his father and sibling, but this woman truly thinks she is my childs mother. My son is never with his father on his time. I'm willing to work it to where his father see's him on his days off and such but I am not going to hand back over week to week without a fight. I truly believe it's a psychologically and emotionally harmful enviroment.
What B said.
Document everything.
Check the laws in your state, but get yourself a personal recorder and put all calls on speaker and record.
I'm a mom and a stepmom too, so I get the conflicting emotions here.
A couple of thoughts:
She won't "allow" you to co-parent with your ex? Stop engaging with her! Don't answer her calls, and speak only to your ex. STAY CALM! Don't allow her to bait you into an overreaction. If she calls to debate this, you calmly say (with as much self-control as you can muster), "I will discuss this with Tom. Thank you for your concern." Then hang up. Every time.
For now, print out all of her texts to you regarding her leaving your ex when he assaulted her. It doesn't matter if no charges were filed. You did the right thing by picking your child up and getting him out of that situation. But discussing it with her? No. You may well have a good justification for not sending your son into that house. It may be that your ex should see your son elsewhere, or under supervision. Take that up with your lawyer or mediator.
Print out anything you have that shows she listed herself as the mother on medical records. That is a huge no-no and is illegal. If you can record these "exchange" moments where she gets your child all riled up, fine. Try to be inconspicuous about it.
Parental alienation is a big deal in divorce/custody agreements. It's usually prohibited but usually the language deals with the mother alienating from the father, and vice versa. Ask your lawyer/mediator what can/should be done regarding a stepparent increasing alienation.
Do not accept phone calls re her being the better mother, but DO calmly and carefully write down the date, time and method of communicating to you that she says stuff like this, and whether your child was present at the time. Keep a detailed log but absolutely not with any emotion or any of your feelings in it - "just the facts", as they say. If there are emails, print them. If there are voice mails, transcribe them but save them on your phone. Give everything to your lawyer.
There is no point in your child being in that house all the time if his father is not there. I'm not talking about a stepparent picking up now and then or putting a child on the school bus, but the point of visitation is for the child to be with the parent. If that's not happening, he should be with you. It's nice for him to be with his stepmother and sibling and it's wonderful that you recognize that - but not as a substitute for being with you and absolutely not when this kind of manipulation is going on.
I think you stick to the court ordered agreement, and you immediately talk to a lawyer about a modification to the existing agreement.
And child support is to pay your rent/mortgage and other expenses regardless of where your child lives. And do not discuss anything else with the stepmother - not money, not education, not medical issues, NOTHING. It's all got to be between the father and you. You can't blame her for getting in the way of the co-parenting if you participate in it. Stop participating, and just say "it doesn't work. I'm talking to Tom only. Goodbye."
You need to contact a lawyer.
What does your attorney say?
IMO, you need to get your legal ducks in a row. You need to abide by the court order. You need to go to the hospital with whatever identification and CO they need and get that fixed ASAP and let them know what the score is.
You can't make his father be a good dad, so stop trying. I also agree to stop discussing anything with her, though understand that any text or email would be shared with both of them because that's probably the way they work. But you don't need to listen to her screaming at you.
I also agree to seek counseling for your child because this has to be a tough push-pull on him.
If you take a CO to the school and they refuse to comply, go up the food chain.
Never ever ever agree to custody or visitation changes like that without it being court ordered.
I would try more for supervised visitation since they fight and it has gotten physical. I am also a step mother and would NEVER do anything like this woman, she sounds disturbed and in need of help herself.
Talk to your lawyer and document EVERYTHING. I would also get your child into counseling and see if that will help both of you.
IMO if it is that bad at their home your son might be better off not being there at all.
