How to Explain Death of a "Sibling" to My 2 and 1/5 Year Old.

There are no words to express my condolences to you and your family. My family and I will pray for you.

As for telling your son, yes, I think you should be the one to tell him, and he should know before you go to the hospital. It would be heart breaking for him to expect you to come home with Baby, and then find out what happened. My advice is for you and your husband to sit down with him, and explain as simply as possible: "Baby is very sick. The doctor says that he/she won't be able to live at our house, and that Baby is going to live with Jesus" Answer any questions he has very simply, and tell him the truth. For example, if he asks you why you are crying, you might say, "Mommy and Daddy are very sad, because we love Baby and will miss him/her." He won't understand very complicated explanations at this age.

There are probably things that you want him to know, but he's not ready to hear or understand, so you might think about writing him a letter. Put it away in a safe place, along with some momentos of Baby (a picture, lock of hair, footprints, etc), to give to him when he is older.

God bless you, and grant you peace.

T.-

Everyone else has pretty much covered everything that I was going to say, however I still wanted to write and praise you for being so strong in all of this. Deciding to carry the baby to term when so many others are telling you to terminate is a true symbol of your faith in the Lord. All I would say is to carry that faith a little further. I know you have to prepare yourself and your son for the worst, but also realize that the doctors are not always right and they are just doctors. There is no power, knowledge or strength greater than our Lord and maybe he has something in store for your little one. All I'm saying is that yes you need to prepare for the worst but continue to pray and hope for a brighter outcome. I will not give you my condolences as they are not needed at this time, but I will give you my prayers and lift your family up to the only one that can help.

B.

I want to extend my sympathy and prayers to you all. You are brave to finish this pregnancy, not knowing what is in store for you, just that it isn't expected to be good. God bless you and your husband for having the courage and faith in Him to do His will, instead of doing what is expected by the medical community, when there is a so-called "mistake".
Children have their own way of making things make sense. I had a baby sister when I was 5, who died 6 months after her birth. She had a birth defect, hole in her heart among other things, and at the end couldn't make it any longer. I couldn't remember anything about her except I used to play with her, carry her to the picture window in our living room and prop her up to watch life outside our house.
Everyone who watched her face when we did this could see how much she loved doing this with her big sister.
I will pray that your children are peaceful with you guys, and that the Lord will help ALL of you.
A.

I have read many of the other posts and can see that you are in many prayers including mine. I know that you want to be the one to tell your son about the baby, and I would think that if you explain it to your family, that they would want to respect your wishes. This is such a difficult time, that they would want to grant you any peace possible. I hope that you can take comfort in the prayers for your and your family during this difficult time. Hugs, B. L.

Hello- I can not tell you how to best handle the situation but I can tell you about my experiance. Our family has gone through something similar to what you are dealing with. We lost a beautiful little boy at 33 weeks gestation. We were not able to prepare for the loss as your family has since he was unexspectedly still born. He was going to be #4 in our family. With 3 older siblings. We had a very hard time at first. We had him creamated and together spred his ashes over my Great Grandparents graves and said a little prayer. We then went home and gathered together all of his memories and made a keepsake box for him. Every year since then on his birthday we have cake and remember him. We explained it to our kids in the best way we could. We explained that everyone did everything possible but in the end he was just to sick and week to make it. We made sure to say that he was very loved and would be missed. Our youngest was only 2 and didn't quite understand but she did know that he would not come home. I can tell you that she talks fondly of him and says she misses him and loves him when ever he is brought up. I wish you all the luck in the world, but most of all the strength and love of your family to wrap yourself in when the worst comes.

-Y.

Wow I will say a prayer for you and your family. What a blessing that God spoke to your heart and that our carrying this baby to full term. What an angel you are..

You might want to look and see if there are any children's books out there on the topic. My best recommendation is to use your faith and let God give you the words to share with your child. This can't be an easy time for any of you - I am praying for a miracle for this child to be and as we know if it is God's will he will make it happen.. I think it is so awesome that you are carrying to term- that is a wonderful testiment of faith..

Many Blessings, C.

I am writing to express my deepest condolences for you and your family. I am also writing to let you know of a website called http://www.BeNotAfraid.net . Benotafraid.net is an online outreach to parents who have received a poor or difficult prenatal diagnosis. I am deeply sorry and wish your family the best. -les

Oh my sister. I am sooo sorry for this difficult time. You will be on my mind every day after reading this post. What a woman of wisdom, strength and grace. I will shoot up little prayers throughout the day for you and your family.

Stacey said exactly what I was thinking. Very well put. I would definitely bring your son to the hospital. Your mom will want to be there anyway. Can you imagine not being at the hospital if this were happening in your son's life?

You are loved and I will pass this request on to my mom and her prayer group at Beaverton Foursquare.

Much love and support and prayers!

I don't have any advice beyond the wonderful caring advice you have been receiving from others. I just wanted to tell you that I too will pray for your family. With enough of us praying it is like getting to give you and your family the hug you need in this stressful trying time. God tests us with things in our life and you are a testiment to taking your challenge with all the Faith that a strong person could possibly muster. I am SO proud of you and your family. I just wanted you to know, we are all caring and praying for you and won't stop. I just hope when this time has passed for you and your family our prayers help ease your pain.

Loving and praying for you,

T.

Thank You for sharing such a personal trial. I dont have much advice as I have never been in your place. I DID have my first experiance in loosing a loved one (though I would never compair it to your pain and grief) just recently and found that reading books on grief (faith based) and listening to inspiring music was very helpful. My son is also 2 1/2. He knew grandpa was sick (for only about 2 weeks) but couldnt go see him because of germs and we all expected him to get better. He passed away suddenly (only 55yrs). I am shocked at how much he remembers from our talks. He kept asking to go see them and then would answer himself with "no, grandpa is sick". When he said this we would tell him something like "grandpa isnt sick anymore, but he went to live with Jesus. We are all sad because we miss him, its ok to miss grandpa but we are glad he isnt sick anymore." Yesterday, on our way to visit Gramma he Said "Grandpa's with Jesus". It is hard to hear him struggling with it but he needs to work it through. I think that when we choose to "give up" we deny Gods hand in our lives and his blessings and miracles and am proud (? not the right word but cant think of it) of you for holding on to your child for as long as God allows. I am so glad you have beliefs to strengthen and comfort you. I will pray for your family. Jen
p.s. I do think if at all possible your son should see the baby and get a picture with him and his sibling.

I am so sorry to hear about the sickness of your child and the difficulties you will face.
I think that you should not be encouraging your son anymore with telling him he's going to be a big brother. At 2 1/2 (I have a 3 yr old and 1 yr old both boys) they do understand more then we think. I would try to ease up on how much the baby is talked about in "living" terms and when the moment comes that you have to tell him, tell him he went to live with the angels but that he will always be watching him and love him.
Good luck with everything...my heart goes out to you.

Hi T.,

While I don't really have any advice for you on this topic, I know that I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I did not write a little something letting you know that I'm sure I speak for every mother when I say how TRULY sorry I am for your loss. I know that I will carry thoughts of you and your family with me from this day forward. Just from your request I can tell that you are such a strong woman and mother and I am sending nothing but positive energy your way. Take Care.
J.

Everyone has had great advice and I agree with it all. You are so strong. I do not think I could handle something like this.

My step sister lost a baby 21 hours after he was born. The docs only gave him 1 hour. Both his siblings got to hold him, as well as his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and of course parents. I don't remember how old the siblings were, but I know they were pretty young.

My daughter was 2 and my son 4 when my step mother passed. She had brain cancer and was in a nursing home for quite awhile. My sister, me, and our kids (3 together) were the only visitors she had most weeks so my kids saw her sick and I was very honest with them when she died. I was "protected" from my great grandfather's death when I was 3-4 and all I can remember about it was that I was upset no one let me go to the funeral. We have lost a dog and cat too and I am very honest about death with my kids.

I think that your son should get to see his baby brother and get to say goodbye to him, just like you and your husband get to. Be honest with him, honesty is very important.

T., I will be praying for you. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. Be strong in your faith God will get you and your family through this. I don't know what advice to give to you. I have a three year old and I don't know how much about death they understand at this age. I will pray that God gives you the right words for your son. And that he gives each of you understanding and peace during this difficult time. Love to you! R.

I would tell him that the baby was too sick and Jesus took him to heaven to be with him. Maybe the grandparents could bring him to you so you could tell him yourself. You know your sons feelings, so go with how you feel. Let him know that you're sad about the baby but you're glad he is with Jesus.

My heart breaks for you. I don't have anything to add, but the tears streaming down my cheeks would not let me just go on without saying something. You are so strong and good to carry this baby to term. May God bless and keep you and your family. I will say a prayer for you, your baby, your son, and your family.
A.

Your strenght is amazing. I am starting a foundation for Congenital Heart Deffects just because of people like you. Most would throw out this baby and move on to the next one. Your son is so young, I think that you should seek professional advice on how to present him with this knowledge. So many people have the best of intentions with ideas, but this is such a critical age, that doing one wrong thing, even with the best of intentions, can change his whole outlook on life forever. And think of the worry he will experience should you decide to conceive again all through your pregnancy.
My only advice is to embrace this, and make it a positive thing, as I see so many moms with children born with defects.
Again, my prayers are with you, and I commend you for your bravery. It reaffirms my hope in humanity. I wish there were more people out there like you.

I'm so sorry. If I were in your shoes I would try to explain to your son ahead of time what's going on. He probably won't understand all of it but at least then it meets your needs and if he does hear it from someone else he isn't completely surprised. I would try to make my explanation very simple and put it in kids terms as much as possible.

I hope you're ok. Take Care.
T.

T., my heart goes out to you and your family. I hope and pray that you will be able to get through this difficult time, and I commend you for staying true to your beliefs and carrying your baby to term. And, I agree with Alicia P, to let your son know about baby before his expectations get too great. I have a friend who experienced a loss similar to you and she explained to her other little ones that their baby was sick and needed to go live with Jesus who could make him feel better. They still had a baby brother, just he lived somewhere else and one day, they would get to be with each other and be a family forever. I wish you all the best T..

You have a very difficult job! I wanted to give you the comfort of this passage from the Orthodox Christian web site(see below) as well as some ideas as to what to say. Your son needs to understand that sickness as well as health are part of life. Death is part of life, and explain to him that this life is temporary and explain your own religious views. You didn't mention what they were, so I'm explaining some things from a Christian viewpoint. It's important to tell him that God loves mankind and that the baby is so sick that he will be going to be with God who will make all things better including his brother, and that when we die, we will go to be with him. We will see him again in heaven. This is very sad - even Jesus wept at Lazarus' funeral. So it's OK to cry. I agree with the person down at the bottom that said be honest about what's going on and allow him to be part of the baby's parting, and go to the funeral. I remember my sister was never told about my grandfather's passing - my parents either overlooked her or thought she was too young, but she didn't find out until weeks after the funeral. She was devasted, even though she was only 6 at the time. I was 11, but I was glad I was included in everything that happened, even though I was very sad and wept bitterly at the funeral. But don't ever let a child think that God wanted that person to die early to be with him. That can make the child hate God. Death is a way that the merciful God dealt with sin, because if we all never died this planet would become a hell on earth, because sin would stay with us for all eternity, and this planet would get worse and worse and there would be no end to that worse and worse.

Hope, the Conqueror Over Death

HOPE is the cardinal virtue and attitude of an enlightened Christian which gives a divine scope and purpose to his life. Hope is not a wishful and uncertain sentiment as it is in regards to the worldly things of life. In the Message of Jesus Christ hope possesses the golden link which connects the human aspiration with the Divine Truths. It is a hope for salvation; a hope that Almighty God is looking upon us with fatherly love; a hope which strengthens the human will to accept anything and everything in life as God's Will.

The source of deep comfort is the hope of God's Will in our everyday life and especially in times of death. The divine comfort is a gift, it is the only way to pacify our mind and heart. The Christian should be prepared to face the events of life which includes that of the death of our beloved person. The source of comfort is the Christian hope. The Apostle Peter calls it "a lively hope"
(1 Peter 1:13), "The hope that is in you" (Ibid., 3:15).

How can a Christian nourish his hope? How can he renew the courage he needs for life and death? The Apostle Paul placed hope along with love and faith; love, as a faithful service to our fellowman, and faith, as a loving devotion to God. The unshakable ground on which the hope of a Christian depends is the faith in a living God which is expressed on constant prayers, a Christian life and philanthropic attitudes towards society at large. With such a hope the Christian should withstand sadness as well as happiness, because "the hope we have (is) as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast" (Heb. 6:19).

*The quotations in the text without any references are taken from the rich hymnology of the Orthodox Cburch, or are obvious Bible quotations.

I pray that God's comfort and mercy be upon you and your family and that through this extremely difficult trial you would all be drawn closer to God.

I feel so sad for you. I agree with most of the first two posts. I think that you need to tell him now that the baby will not be coming home with you because he is very sick. This gives him time to adjust to that idea.

And then I'd ask everyone to not tell him when it actually happens and have them bring him to the hospital. It will be important for him to see you to know that you didn't die too.

Some hospitals allow the parents to spend time with the baby in a special room. You can take clothing and a blanket and even take pictures if you want. You could show pictures to your son.

Kids at this age are so concrete I'd question telling him that someday your family with be with Jesus. That will cause even more questions and confusion. At 2 they cannot grasp the meaning of death. Some kids this age will worry about dying or want to die to be with Baby They don't understand time. The telling him that he has gone to heaven to be with Jesus is good. I just wouldn't say someday we'll all be with him.

There are books about losing a sibling. I'd check at the library.

I wish you the peace of knowing that "all things work together for good to those who love the Lord."

Hi T.,

I just wanted to say that we went through this almost two years ago. And we had to tell our two year old and our four year old. It was the hardest thing my husband and I have gone through. We all sat and held our baby and explained to both our boys that he was very sick and that the angels had come to take him to heven. We then told them about death and how all his grandparents were now taking care of him. And that one day we will go see him in heven. But for now God is taking care of him along with the angels.

Our son past right before they got him out. So we had not coverd this talk with our boys. But they both took it very lighty. They had a few questions. And they wanted to see him. We had help speaking with them from all the doctors and nurses at the hospital. And also family.

There was a hospital poilcy, for moms and dads hat lose there baby. They asked you to please hold your child for an hour to let it sink in and to say all your good byes. I thought this was to much butI have to say They made me do it and I spent four days in the hospital holding my baby as did hi father.

And now I se today how much this helped us. Hold your baby and take pictures. Love him as much as you can. Because this is your only chance before having to let him go.

I will prey for you and your family that all goes well. I wish you only the best. May god bless you and your family.

T. W.