How to Deal with This ??? - Mansfield,TX

A brain problem in a loved one is tough to deal with. My mother had a huge brain tumor, and it throws you when they aren't themselves and can't walk, talk or feed themselves. Suddenly a person you've always relied on is helpless and no longer "there" for you. Take strength from wherever you can, and don't worry about crying, feeling angry or helpless. The most you can do is to be there for him. Sit down, hold his hand, give him a kiss and talk to him like you normally do. Sometimes people are incompacitated, bjt they still take everything in like they always have. Don't feel like you need to slow it all down for him-just be there. Talk about his grandkids and his interests. Realize it's going to be a one sided conversation, but look in his eyes and communicate. Never underestimate telling him you love him and sharing meaningful memories. I hope he gets better and I'm sorry you're all having to go through this.

I wanted to share my experience with you...
My dad started getting sick when I was a youg teen. Just minor stuff relating to diabetes (partial kidney failure....he got better but still had problems). Slowly things kept getting worse...sleep apnea, prostate cancer, lymphoma (cancer), heart problems...and all the numerous side effects, and Chemotherapy side effects.
Now my dad was a trooper, he would try his hardest to put on a happy face...and this lasted a number of years. One day my brother called me and told me he was worried about him (he lived with our dad) and not sure if he should stay home from work. I told him to go and I will come over.
I have never seen my dad in such a horrible state. It's something I will never forget. He was halluncinating, gray colored, couldn't taste anything, scratched at himself, half the time didn't know me or his surroundings. A few weeks earlier he had me look at a sore on the bottom of his foot, I told him it looks like the beginning of a decubitis ulcer (bed sore) and he needs to have it looked at ASAP. He assumed me it was just another one of his diabetic ulcers.
All day that day I sat with him, talked to him, made sure he took his pills that day, tried to get hom to eat, begged him to go to the hospital....all he wanted was a shower. My brother got home from work and we tried to get him in the shower. Did not work, my dad begged us for a shower..."Take me outside and bathe me like a dog." My brother and I exchanged looks, and we got him outside, I let my brother give him a bath, and get him dressed. I pleaded with him one more time to go to the hospital....he finially agreed and we called 911.
He was septic, on the verge of death, placed in the ICU, had a breathing tube, required 3 surgeries...and with each I had to give written conset knowing he may die due to the function of his kidneys, end up on dialysis due to his kidneys, or or have his foot amputated depending on the extent of damage. The whole time my dad was in and out of consciousness and was unable to conset to anything.
He survived each surgery, and ended up in a temporary care facility...almost 5 months in the hospital (a month in...I found out I was pregnant). He got better, 5 montsh of antibiotics, dropped over a 100 lbs (both fluid accumulation and body fat), he slept in a bed (something he hadn't done in 12 years). He came home, he dealt with my mom divorcing him (leaving a month before this happened), he was walking, exercising, loosing more weight, watching his diet, sleeping consistently in a bed....and most of all was soo proud and happy that he was going to be a grandfather for the first time.
He passed away suddenly one night a month before I delievered.
Shattered my world.
I am a grown woman, I (at the time) had a career in the medical field. I know the side effects of Chemo, I knew a bed sore when I saw one, I knew the fluid accumulation wasn't normal, and I knew he was going to die that day he was hallucinating. But thats all logic. I didn't see him as a patient. He was my daddy...struggling to breathe, and to function at the very basic of levels. Seeing that broke my heart. My strong father who I admire, and depended on, was now helpless.
The only thing I could do was hold on to him and love him. There's no way for me to process it, nothing was logical, my medical reasoning was null and void, nothing made sense. The only thing I depended on, that was emotional, logical, and factual....is that we loved each other (still do) and nothing changes that.
I hope this helps in some way. I am very sorry to hear about your dad. Hang in there, I know it's tough. Big hugs to you.

I am sorry that you and your family are having to go through this right now. There is no magic bullet on how to deal with this. You just do. Understand that there is a chance for some recovery and that is what your dad and his medical team is working toward right now.

Put on your most positive face when you go see your dad and make that extra effort to be chatty with him even though it maybe completely one-sided right now. That's what he needs most from you at this time.

When you are not with him, it is okay to cry and feel what you are feeling. It is not healthy to bottle up those emotions so be sure to let them all out so you can start the healing process as well. Keeping a journal can be a very cathartic.

Here's hoping that your dad makes a speedy recovery.

Its completely natural to feel the way you are. It is scary when we see our parents as mortal and showing signs of weakness. I think it would help a lot if you were able to talk to someone for support, whether it be clergy, a support group or just friends who have been through similar times in their life. Even just talking to friends will help. A lot has happened in the past week and talking to a friend can help you process all that you are feeling.

I'm very sorry for all that you are going through and I wish you and your family all the best.

No matter how old we get our Daddy is still our Daddy. As little girls we looked up to him as out Hero. It is hard when they get sick or when age gets the best of them all you can do is stay strong and pray that he heals. Bless you and your family.

I know how you feel. My dad was always this strong person and never got sick. When he got cancer it was hard. And when he got really sick with it I got very emotional. Just be there for him. I know it's not easy but he needs to know you are there and love him. And like others said pray. And if you get to a point that you need to talk to someone cause it's getting too much for your emotional state to handle don't hesitage to reach out to someone. A pastor or a councilor. Your feelings are normal but don't think you have to go through it alone!!!!!

Good luck and God bless you and your family!!!!!!!!

Be happy in front of him. don't let him see you sad or upset, this will only make him feel bad.

Maybe seeing a biblical counselor would help?
This is a great organization:
http://www.c3christiancounseling.com/

I am so sorry! I haven't had this experience with a parent, but the difficulty you are describing reminds me of what I went through with my Grandmother and her Alzheimers/Dementia. I was very close to my Grandmother, she was like a second Mom. My Grandmother was always such a strong woman and it was hard for me to see her declining. She had lost my Grandfather to a sudden heart attack at 56 and she didn't retire until she was 80. She was always such an inspiration!

As she was declining physically and mentally, it was very hard for me to visit her. I didn't want to see her or remember her like that. But, I knew that I had to! My Dad would always ask me to go over and visit her with him or he would call when he was visiting and put her on the phone. The more I visited, the more comfortable I became. I was always afraid of crying in front of her, I didn't want her to see me upset! She passed away last August and now I am so thankful that I visited as much as I could! I think I would be very regretful if I hadn't. What I wouldn't give to visit her once more!

Just go see him as much as you can and just be there for him and your Mom! I know it is hard, but when you look at the big picture it is the right thing to do. Someday, when you look back on this, you will never regret being there when he and your Mom needed you most! God Bless!

My grandfather passed away on my birthday 3 yrs ago and is still to this day my favorite person that I have ever known. I loved him more than anyone else in the world. He had a stroke that left him unable to talk or feed himself and it hurt because he was trying to tell me something about our family photos the week before he died. I know it hurts to hear him not being able to sound words. He is in God's hands and God knows what is best. Just being there and showering him with love is all you can do and cherish this time because it might be the last time you can show him love. I'm looking forward to seeing mine in heaven where they'll be no more tears. I wish I had better advice but this is all I could do for my hero.

If he's in the hospital, stop by the chaplain's office, or ask for contact for the chaplain. They are able to either directly give you counseling for dealing with this family trauma (because, yes, it's truly awful for your dad, but it's also so awful for everyone in your family). Or, they can direct you to free counselilng or support groups that can help you with this. If he's not in the hospital anymore, just call up the hospital and ask for the chaplain's office and make an appt to go see him/her.

And it's probably a good idea to get connected w/ a good support group, because it can take a long time to work through rehab, and even with that sometimes everything doesn't come back 100% for the patient, and being caregivers is incredibly draining, especially over the long haul. So having a good support group can really help you, and help you help him.

((Hugs))

Hi D.,

I have not read your answers but I am sure this has already been said....PRAY. Put your Dad on your church's prayer list and any others that you know of. I will pray for you, your family and most of all your Dad. I know how it is as I lost my Dad 20 years ago this year. He was young....61.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. God speed.

J.

First off sorry to hear about your dad. Our parents have been strong for us, and it is difficult to see them in a weakened state. As hard as it is for you I am sure your dad appreciates you being there with him. I know what you are going through. My mom has been battling cancer for almost 6 yrs. She went from a very strong women to someone I barely recognize. It is our turn to be strong for our parents as they were for us. Say a prayer to give you strength.

Because you say you're a Christian with a strong belief in God, I'm going to answer from that perspective, and I hope I won't be deleted.

Of course you're thrown for a loop. Your daddy is still your daddy, no matter how old you are. My daddy had a sudden stroke, and I didn't get the letter about it (that's how long ago it was) for several days. So I didn't even know he was ill until he was suddenly on life support. I understand a little of the situation you're in.

I, too, am a Christian. I would call my church and my friends and ask them to pray big time. Ask for prayers not only for your parents but also that you will know how to deal with this and what exactly to do. In addition, thank God for every single hour and day now that you have with your dad, no matter what shape he's in. We just don't take people for granted in times like these, do we?

I hope you know what God says in His Book about this sort of experience, so I won't go into detail about it. But I'll add this: Did you ever read the Chronicles of Narnia? In the final book, the children are up against a battle they feel they cannot win, and they choose to be courageous and take the adventure that Aslan sends them. You and your parents are in this sort of adventure now. One day (perhaps not in this lifetime) you'll know why the Lord has chosen this adventure for you all.

Meanwhile, there is nothing He isn't in control of - as Corrie Ten Boom wrote, "There is no pit so deep but God is there." Illness is no sign of rejection. There is not one of His own children who is not deeply loved and accepted by Him. Health, lack of disability, performance, and having it all together has nothing to do with the amount of His love and care.

Go ahead and cry when you need to - you might want to take turns with your mom - but keep reassuring your father that you LOVE him, because he needs to know that he is still extremely valuable to you. I'm praying for you all! Where's my Kleenex?

I am sorry to hear about your dad but I had 2 strokes and a Heart Attack all within the same year and the second stoke caused me to have a problem with my speech the best and most helpful thing you can do is to try to understand what he is saying and if you dont understand tell him to say it a little slower and dont look at him like he doesnt make any since. Trust me if he is saying things to him when he hears his self it sounds right . And be there when they need you
Good Luck an God Bless you all

Praying for you to be strong for your mom and for your dad. It is part of growing up. I just buried my mom after taking care of her and having her in and out of the hospital for 2 months. I know it is hard to see him that way, but he and your mom will appreciate you so much for being there for them during this time. It is kind of one of those moments when you would tell your own kiddos, "It's not about you." :) I will be praying for strength and comfort for you.

Be strong!

I was never in your situation, but my heart goes out to you. My dad passed away while in Las Vegas on a trip. He had a heart attack. He was 66. That was almost a year ago. I still am not 100% recovered from the shock. Nor have I accepted it.

I only told you my story because people tell me they are not sure what is worse, what happened to my dad or what you have told us that happened to your dad. They are our daddy's and it is hard to lose or see them hurt and you cannot control anything. I think if I was you, I would obviously pray for his full recovery and the strength to help him. Keep yourself healthy so you can be strong and help your mom. You don't want her or your dad to worry about your health. When visiting him, make sure you look good (hair, make-up, clothing). Talk to him like you would always talk to him. He is probably embarrassed that you will have to help him, but he just might feel comfortable to have you helping him.

I will pray for you and I hope everything gets better.

Hugs!

In August of 2009, my stepdad (whose like a real dad to me) had 2 strokes and a heart attack. The first stroke, I was called, woke up in the middle of the night with my sister saying shes coming to get me something was wrong with Jeff. At first, they thought it was an accidental morphine overdose (hes on it for his RA). It was one of the 4 hardest things I've ever had to see. For 3 weeks straight, I prayed, I begged, I pleaded. It was extremely hard, to see the things you mentioned above. We went through all of that too, and to this day, he still cannot speak very well, and he has the compentcy of a 14-15 year old. But, he can do pretty much the same stuff he used to do.

It will get better and easier. It just takes a lot of time, energy and support. Have faith, keep praying. Be there for him, help him do his therapy. Talk to him, have him keep trying to talk to you (and it gets very frusterating on both sides). Really, all you can do is pray. As hard as it is for you to go through this, be there for your mom and try to do stuff for her (laundry, cook, errands)...it'll take a big burden off of her. Whatever you do, don't forget about before this happened....keep your memories close. Bring pictures of your family up to the hospital, have him say their names. I know I brought my daughters pictures up there (I didnt take her cuz she was only 4 months, and I didn't want her in the hospital) and when my stepdad seen her pictures, he smiled, a big smile.

I will pray for you and your family. I am very sorry you are going through this. Believe me, I know it's not easy!

Edited to add: Even though it will be hard, try not to cry around him. If you need too, leave the room. I know for my family...it made it alot worse on my stepdad to see us all cry.

consider yourself hugged. I can't imagine what you are going through-God bless-many, many people recover from strokes-I am praying your dad will!

My dad has had quadruple bypass surgery TWICE and was diagnosed with prostrate cancer about a month ago. I understand what you're going through. It's so hard to see the man who took care of you as a child go through such trials, but you just have to have faith that things will be ok. I think it's important to have a sense of humor about it too. We often joke that my dad's days as a bathing suit model are over because of all the scars :)

Just take it day by day. It's important to take care of yourself at this time too. As much as you want to be there and do things for your mom and dad, YOU need time to recharge. If we're constantly giving to others without replenishing ourselves, pretty soon there's nothing left to give. So make sure you 'take a break' from your dad's condition every day - even if it's taking a walk or watching a movie.

((hugs)) to you and I hope your dad recovers quickly :o)