How to Deal with Teenage Girls Grief over Loss of Father

You and your daughters are in my thoughts and prayers. I will pray for strength to get through the funeral and the difficult weeks and months and years ahead, and that God will reach His arms down and comfort you and your daughters.

Let them see you cry and grieve. It's important for children, especially daughters, to know that they don't have to "protect" Mom from their own grief. You sound like you're on the right track with this.

I second InMy30'sAlready?! and Toni V. Make sure they each get to choose something of their father's to keep, and have relatives and friends write paper letters about their father.

Be prepared for them to sleep a LOT. Grief manifests in several ways, but one nearly universal way is to sleep. They will sleep so much you'll think they're sick. Prepare them for the fact that IT'S OKAY to sleep as much as they need to right now.

They (and you) will also find yourselves inexplicably cold. When I lost my Grandmother (whom I was VERY close with), it was July. I was FREEZING for weeks. Hot tea or hot chocolate, even though it might be 80 degrees out, is a good idea.

Chocolate. I know this sounds cliche, but the endorphins in chocolate really do put a band-aid on grief. Let them eat good quality chocolate, and other sweet and starchy things. Not so much that it's unhealthy, but it is called comfort food for a reason.

Everyone will let them know it's okay to cry. You need to also let them know that it's okay for them to scream. Sometimes, just screaming makes you feel a little better inside. Just a wordless scream, or let them scream and holler about the injustice of it and how it isn't FAIR. If your daughters are also Believers, reading Job can sometimes be comforting. Some find God's basic message of "I Am God and my plans are my own" very comforting--some don't. You're the best judge of that, because you know your daughters. It's okay to scream and cry and yell and ask God "why?". It's not okay to blame God. Read Ecclesiastes 3. Isaiah 25:8. Matthew 11:25-30. This site is good: http://encouragingbiblequotes.com/versescomforta.html

They might get angry at their Dad, and blame him for "leaving" them. This will pass. A simple reassurance that their Dad never wanted to leave them is sufficient.

Be prepared for difficult days, even after the grief calms down a little. Big trigger days will be Christmas, their birthday, Dad's birthday and, biggest of all: Father's Day. Father's Day will happen less than two months after they've lost him. It's going to HURT. This should help a little for that day: http://www.ehow.com/how_###-###-####_cope-loss-dad-father...

I recommend (maybe next year or the year after) reading the book "What A Difference A Daddy Makes" by Dr. Kevin Leman. It will break your heart, knowing your daughters won't have that, but it WILL give you some insight into the kinds of things you need to provide for your daddyless girls.

Their Grandfather will be a blessing to them in the days to come, as a "Father figure". If they have an Uncle (your or your husbands brother) or other male relative, encourage him to step into the role of father figure. Make sure both he and your daughters know that he is NOT replacing their father, only that he is there for your daughters

Most of all, let them know that you love them and that their father loved them, and that the last thing he would want is for them to not live their lives.

Blessings to you and your family in this difficult time.

I am so sorry your family is going through this. I lost my father when I was a child, so this is something I have direct experience with. The main thing is to get them counseling and other kinds of support. They will need to be surrounded by people who really understand what they are experiencing (children who have lost parents) and they will need professionals to help them. I will keep all of you in my prayers. Unfortunately this is a long, sad journey, but with the right kind of support they can grow up to be wonderful young women with a depth of understanding and compassion that can be rare in this world.

Dear K.,

I have no immediate advice at this time. For now I will pray for you and your family. May God bless you and keep you all in his arms, may HE comfort you and your daughters in your time of great sorrow in a way that only HE can do.

Many of your family and friends will call and ask what they can do to help. My suggestion for, especially your girls is to ask everyone to WRITE (not email) but actually sit down and WRITE a letter about their father and how they saw him interact with his girls and how they felt about the man. NOT just a CARD, but a REAL heartfelt letter. This is something that your girls will appreciate all their lives.

Please accept my sincere condolences to your and your family.

Blessings...

I can see you have recieved alot of great advice but I wanted to add a little myself. My dad was like a father to my kids and he passed away from a car accident almost 7 years ago now. Experts said it takes up to 5 times longer to get over a sudden, unexpected death - so go easy when you think (or anyone else thinks) it's taking you too long. One thing we did together to personalize his service was pick all his favorite songs (some were definitely NOT typical funeral songs - like Love Shack) and we put them all on a CD and played it throughout the wake - people would laugh and cry remembering. We still listen to those CD's today and it's very healing. My daughter (7 at the time) needed to write out how the accident happened and she stood up and read it at the service; we've encouraged them to write, talk, cry, color/draw anything to continually get out the grief and pain. We went to the accident site on the anniversary or on holidays and lit sparklers and talked and cried; one year we wrote letters to him and put them in huge balloons and released them. We also saw a family counselor weekly for a year - she was fantastic and helped enormously with my son who didn't want to talk about his feelings at all.

I made a memory "box" with a sunken picture frame and put in a picture of each of them w/my dad and included flowers from the service and the memorial pamphlet. They also each have a "papa bear" that they hold when they need to hold him -- I've worm some of his shirts and even his cologne. Most of all we keep talking to and about him - just because he's gone doesn't mean he's not a part of us anymore.

There were many sleepless nights and days where you don't want to get dressed or just can't. Let them see you grieve - don't hide it or they'll hide theirs as well. From what you wrote it sounds as if you're very much on the right track -- you're doing a wonderful job! They will come around; especially if they're such great kids to begin with. You'll keep an eye on them and you'll all come through this different but stronger and closer from working together.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to message me anytime.

I would find a grief counselor for the family. A sudden loss like that is a huge shock for all of you and you will need support to get through it. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree to talk to them. My uncle died in an accident when he was just 40, leaving 4 kids behind. The older kids were a comfort to their mom and vice versa. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to cry.

I've never been in this situation, but my advice would be to grieve with them. A few years ago my brother died suddenly and it was always uncomfortable when my parents would grieve in private by going into a room and closing the door. I respected their space and I'm an adult so it was OK and certainly understandable. But most of the time we tried to cry and grieve together and I found that more comforting. You obviously don't want to totally lose it in front of them, but I would think that it will be comforting for them to know that you're also feeling this hurt and pain so that they know they aren't going through it aloe. You'll also model for them that it's ok to cry together. It can be really hard to cry in front of other people, and it's almost harder when it's someone who keeps telling you that it's OK to cry. It's easier if they cry and then you can join them in crying. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am so very sorry for the loss you and your girls are experiencing right now. I second the suggestion to check with the school. You could also talk to your family physician or pediatrician for suggestions on ways to help them. Please don't neglect yourself and your own feelings. They can't be okay if you aren't okay, and being okay doesn't always have to mean you are holding it together. Fall apart if you need to and let them do the same. Everyone has to cope in the way that feels right to them.
I wish I had some magic words to make it all better. Many hugs and prayers sent your way.

My sympathy to you and your girls.

Check with their school. Many middle and high schools have grief groups and counseling at school for students suffering a loss of someone important to them.

Many [[[[hugs]]]] to you all.

I don't have a lot of advise, but just wanted to say I am so sorry for you loss. The only thing I can really say is to talk, talk, talk with them! Our situation is a little different because we are adults but we lost my MIL about a year ago fairly suddenly and my FIL just kind of stopped talking about her and wouldnt grieve in front of us, and it made it quite difficult actually. It was very difficult to be around him because we were always worried about saying the wrong thing. Nearly a year later he is starting to open up more, but I think it would have been easier if he did it from the beginning. Again so sorry for your loss, I hope you and your daughters will be able to find peace soon!

I am so sorry. How devastating to lose a father and husband so suddenly.
My prayers are with your family.

Do you have a picture that is just him standing against a light background?
You can go to daddydolls.com and have a doll made up.

https://www.daddydolls.com/

Have a cd made of people telling the girls how wonderful their dad is.

Grief like this takes different forms. Be patient with yourself and the girls. Losing a parent at 14 is something a child will never get over. Like losing a child, it's something parents never get over, you don't have to. And the girls don;t have to get over it. THey have to learn to live through it.

Is there a military grief counseling for children place near you? These couselers deal with sudden deaths. Find a counselor for you and the girls.

(((((K.))))) I wish I could offer you more.

My son died in June and he left behind a 3 year old daughter. I know that your daughters are older and at an age that could cause acting out in ways that are very undesirable. Things we noticed with my granddaughter is when she would start acting out, we knew she was missing her daddy a lot right then so we would sit down and talk about him, look at pictures and videos. I have a video clip of them together on my phone and she will listen to it over and over just to hear his laugh on there. Faith is another thing that is very important. We lean on prayers and God's love to help us through the worst times.

Most important is to remember that everyone grieves in their own way. Anger is something a lot of people, most people feel, so don't get into it during this time, remind them what they are angry about, the situation, not at God or Dad but the situation of having to miss him and his not being there. It is easier to make it through anger if you know what exactly you are angry at. Don't let anyone tell them they should be over it by now or that they will get over it. You don't get over it, you get through it minute by minute and to think about looking to the future is devestating. When they cry, hold them and tell them you love them and it is ok to cry. When they get mad, hold them and tell them you love them and it is ok to be mad. When they want to talk about them, listen, tell your own memories of him and look at pictures, videos and whatever else you can do to help them through it. Let them wear his shirts or have something they can keep with them of his.

If there is a grief support group, go with them to the meetings. It really helps to have someone to talk to that has been through it because you don't feel so alone and you realize you aren't going crazy.

Hold them, cry with them, tell them every day you love them. If you see distructive behavor like drinking, drugs or even problems at school, get some counceling for them right away. They may turn to those things to shut out some of the pain.

I am so sorry for your loss and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

First I am so very sorry for your loss. I have two children, one close in age to your daughters, and the idea of suddenly having to raise them alone takes my breath away. I am so sorry. The only suggestion I have for you is to have a lot of patience with yourself as a parent in the weeks, months and years to come. This is entirely new territory for all three of you. While it is natural to put off your own needs for your children's needs, you absolutely must deal with your own grief and needs in order to be there for your children. They need to see you grieve too and know that it is the normal and necessary way that people deal with loss. Don't be tough for them... they will see right through it. Be real with them and get support when you need it. My prayers are with you all.

I read this last night and I have been thinking of how to respond. My husband was recently diagnosed with cancer, so I, of course, have been thinking a lot about how it would impact all of us were he to die. I was hoping that I would find some inspiring/helpful/meaningful words overnight, but I have nothing. I just hope that you can surround yourselves with loving friends and family, that you can accept help and support when it is offered, and that you can find peace. I know you have a long road ahead of you, with many ups and downs, and even though I haven't met you, I will keep you all in my thoughts. Remember, you suffered a huge loss here too - care for your children, of course, but don't forget to care for yourself as well.

Your post has changed the lives of many! It not only reached and grabbed my heart out of my chest, but also made me realize that I take my husband and blessed life for granted... So, thank you for that! I am so sorry you have to go through this so soon in life. Going through the transition without Dad will be the hardest thing your girls (and you) do, but at the end of the day...they will have so many great memories that will help them through. The upside to that will come when they bask in the warm memories of their Dad. I admire your strength and pray you get all of the support you need.

So sorry for your loss! this will be rough on all of you! the best thing you can do is show your daughters how to grieve in a healthy way. don't push your grief away, go through the process with them - it will bring you all closer in the end. Also, give them a week or so before you get back into a routine - even as teenagers, routines are so comforting! I lost my first boyfriend to a car accident when I was 16... it's hard dealing with grief as a teenager. But I was close to his mother and she and I got through it together and became very close. She pushed me to go back to school and do my homework and get on with my life, but still allowed me to visit her and talk about her son whenever I needed.

Good Luck and *hugs*

My sympathies and prayers to you and your girls.

How sad for you all! What a good mom you are to seek out help for your girls first.

From my personal and professional experiences here are some general thoughts. If you are a person of faith, I'd talk to a pastor/chaplain by yourself first then if you like their style, then as a family.

You could give them permisssion to grieve however they want, acknowledging that they will have ups and downs and letting them know that you will too. With the loss of a close relative, it is normal that the grieving can be intense for years (crying every time you think of them), but the intensity gets less after a few years... and a teenager's understanding of death and grieving process is the same as an adult.

Some kids find it helpful to "closure" to leave something with the deceased...a letter, a picture, a favorite stuffed animal. Even writting a message on a ballon and doing a ballon send off, or planting a tree in their honor, or starting a scrapbook are nice concrete legacy building activities. Ask if they want something special of their Dad's (sleeping with his shirt may even be a comfort)

Let the school (counselor or homeroom teacher) know what is going on, in case they need days off, or understanding for what's going on. Hopefully, they have good friends that will help shield them at school from feeling ackward/gossip. Thankfully they have eachother.

I've seen kids really open up with a mom when they are doing an activity together. Just stroking their hair, or rubbing their feet, those gentle times can sometimes help a teen open up.

The warm place in Ft. Worth is a great nonprofit resource that has group counseling for parents and kids.

If friends/family are asking...let them help you. Have a designated person (best friend?) be the point person for all of your immediate needs to delegate...lawn mowing, meals, making phone calls, help with estate/finances.... People may say, let me know if you need anything...say thanks so much, we do have some needs, please talk to (best friend?)

I just said a prayer for your family. I hope you are wrapped in support and comfort during this heart-wrenching time.

K.,
I pray for comfort for you and your girls in this time. The loss of a parent is extremely rough no matter the age as is the loss of your husband I am sure. Accept any help that comes your way, the suggestion of having another person (friend) be the "point" person for your needs is an excellent one. Don't be afraid to let the girls talk as much or as little as they need to about their father. People grieve differently; some are very open and others are much more personal (closed off) and each way is ok. Sometimes all one wants to do is talk about the loved one who is gone and other times one just wants the entire world to shut up and quit asking "Are you ok?"
You sound as though you are trying to convey those thoughts to your girls and I pray for strength as you walk through this.
I encourage you to lean heavily on the Lord, as you have mentioned. Know that it is perfectly ok to question, be angry, hurt and confused. He knows your heart and wants to be a comfort to you. Seek Him out, lean into Him and rest in the assurance of His love.
I pray for comfort to you and your girls.

This is a little late in coming, but I just read this post...

I am so very sorry for your sudden loss. God bless you and your girls. Thank God they have you... you are obviously a caring, strong, amazing mom who appears to be doing absolutely all the things your girls need.

Blessings and prayers to you and your family.

Hi K.,

I am so very sorry for your family's loss.

I did google "De Pere Wi Grief Counseling" and there were a few links to counselors in your area. They will be able to give you more direction, if you would choose to meet as a family or in groups. This may also give your girls more privacy than meeting with a school counselor, but that too is advisable, so that the those who work with your girls can be as supportive as possible.

I lost my SO 24 years ago, he passed in November and our daughter was born in Janurary. Since they never met she didn't miss him the way your daughters will miss their dad but on special occasions it's still difficult.
All of you will go through a series of emotions from sadness to anger to apathy. Right now you need to get through the services and get back to living. If either one of them wants to speak at his funeral encourage them but don't push it. Tears can be the best thing for them. When the crying starts the healing begins, let them cry no matter where they are. Anything can set it off. You may be at the park watching a dad play with his kids and it will remind you of a time you spent with him and the tears will start. Let them fall. It's okay to remember and it's okay to cry.
Encourage them to continue to work hard in school and to follow their dreams. Dad would want them to continue their lives. Try not to belabor the point but be encouraging. They may want to give up and hide in a corner until the sadness goes away. What you all need to learn is it doesn't go away, it just gets easier to deal with. Time is a great healer. I always handled my greif silently and didn't talk about my SO a lot, I never told my daughter when his birthday was or when he died. I didn't want those dates to be sad for her and 24 yrs later I still have a hard time on those dates.
When our daughter got married her older brother stepped in as father of the bride and did a wonderful job, I was very proud of both them that day. I handled it all until the father/daughter dance and suddenly grief hit me like a ton of bricks. I so didn't want to cry but I did and when my daughter saw me crying and found out why she started to cry. I felt sooooo guilty for spoiling that moment for her. Her friends gathered around and got us through that moment. There are going to be times when you start to think 'he should be here, he would be so proud of them'. Your emotions will go through everything from anger to grief. When they start to learn to drive, high school graduation, starting college, graduation, weddings and the birth of their children will all be trigger points.
Remember he is always with you and the love he had for you and your daughters is always there too. Love doesn't die. He will always be there in spirit.
When the time comes to start boxing up his stuff and getting rid of it, let the girls help. Do it slowly a little here a little there. I think this is the hardest part. It's like the final good-bye, you are acknowledging that he isn't coming back. The girls will decide what they want to keep and what they can part with. An old ratty sweatshirt will suddenly take on new meaning and become a treasured item. Looking at it or wearing it will remind you of a moment you spent with him. Keep any jewelry he had including his wedding ring, maybe you can take it to a jeweler and have something made for each of the girls later on.
My heart goes out to you. Remember he is always with you and he loves you.

Make sure they each get something personal of their father's. I mean it! This is important! I know whatever it ends up being, it will just be a 'thing' but it will mean the world to them, I promise! Even if its just a t-shirt out of his closet...

I am sorry for your loss...and for your girls!

~I lost my father in 2002, I was 25 years old and it crushed me.