Did you ever have a great idea and wanted to spend a fun day with your child, just you guys, but then they make it so difficult and not fun?
DD is almost 6. We have an annual pass to our local zoo. It's a nice day, sunny but not too hot. DH doesn't want to go, he's had to mow the lawn and he just wants to relax at home. So I figured I would just take DD myself and make a day of it. But when I tell her lets get ready to go, she suddenly decides she needs to pick out a whole other outfit that is different from what she is wearing. When I tell her no, she can just wear what she has on already, she starts to argue with me and cry because I am not letting her have her way. When I tell her she needs to wear sneakers for walking around, she says she wants to wear her flip-flops instead, and again, I have to tell her no. So then she keeps asking why and crying more because I am not giving in. So then I just tell her, ya know what? If you are not going to listen to me and cooperate, we are not going to the zoo. So of course then she gets really upset and gets sent to her room for throwing a fit.
Now DH is upset because he's had to listen to this whole exchange and wants to know why don't I just let her change her clothes and take her already (he agrees that she needs sneakers on though). Because...I just have a feeling the whole day is going to be like this. Because my mood is ruined and I don't feel like arguing with a whiny uncooperative child all day long. Because DD needs to learn that she needs to just listen and do as she is told instead of talking back to me all the time. And now it is almost 1pm and I just found out the zoo closes early today at 4pm, so that doesn't leave us much time there.
Would you have still taken her or would have you have kept her home for acting up?
I ended up doing the grocery shopping that I was going to do after the zoo had we gone. DD was still throwing a fit in her room so DH had a talk with her and made her do a time-out in there for giving me a hard time. By the time I got back, DD was over it and said she was sorry for arguing with me and having a hissy-fit. So I told her we will go to the zoo a different day, and when we plan something fun and special, I expect her to cooperate and do as she is told. I didn't care about the clothes so much but the shoe thing is non-negotiable, and part of the problem is that if I give in on something small, DD then thinks I should give in on bigger things as well. I told her I wanted to go to the zoo too and I wanted to have fun too but it's not fun for me when someone can't cooperate and listen to me. I also didn't want to spend the whole time at the zoo having to say no to this, that and the other thing and then having her throw a fit because of it. When we try again, I will remind her of this and how I expect her to behave. Thanks.
ETA: Yes, she's a very strong-willed kid, and I swear gives me a harder time than I ever gave my mother at this age. Same thing with my husband's sons - they didn't us this much grief either, just were happy to go somewhere and didn't argue over clothes, shoes, taking toys in the car, etc. I get what people are saying about picking your battles - I really do. It's just that with DD, it is ALWAYS something, and there are times I feel I have to draw the line somewhere, or it will just be never-ending. Thank you again for your insights.
It sounds like you are a good mom. My oldest is just like this...always being stubborn and wanting to battle us about something. It's truly exhausting.
I probably would have let her change her clothes but given her a time limit to do so. Say, if she was not changed and ready in five minutes--set a timer--than we weren't going.
I agree with others that clothes are the few things that children can control, and that if she wore the flip flops to have let her learn the hard way.
I've done that when DD wouldn't get in the stroller. If we walked and she asked to be picked up, I'd say "well, you didn't want to take the stroller, so now you have to walk. Next time we'll take the stroller."
Personally, it's more of a punishment for me to stay in with a whiny child, than perform compromise interference.
As for DH being upset? Meh! He didn't want to go in the first place!
Nope... I wouldn't have taken her. You were wanting to take her on a fun outing, and she decided to act like a spoiled brat.
If she misses out on things like this once in a while, she will get the message the next time that she needs to do what you say.
Good going, mama!
I would have allowed her to change her clothes, let her wear her flip-flops, stowed her sneakers in the backpack I usually carry to hand over when her feet started hurting (along with a little lesson), headed to the zoo and enjoyed the day.
It's taken me a couple of decades of parenting (oldest is 31, youngest is 11) to learn to pick my battles and give up my need to "win". Life with my youngest is SO much calmer and more enjoyable than it was with the first two.
I would have let her change. We have a neighbor across the way with a 6 yr, old girl, and that child will wear boots pretty much every day. Seriously - even with a swimsuit on! At this age, they love to change their clothes and I think it's just a way for them to have some control over their lives. If she had worn flipflops, her feet would have probably started to hurt. That is learning point for her. You could have used that next time and reminded her of how her feet hurt or whatever.
A good friend of mine said, "L., you just have to pick your battles. At the end of the day, what are the battles that served a purpose.".....
My daughter is 7 and we have had these battles. I've found we are all happier when there is compromise.
In my home, I would have told her she can change her clothes as long as what she chose was appropriate for our activity, and I'll make that decision. If she REALLY wanted to, I probably would have let her wear the flip-flops also. I've walked around all day in flip-flops with no problems. My daughter also loves her flip-flops and if your daughters feet hurt at the end of the day, sometimes lessons have to be learned the hard way. You can tell her until you are blue in the face that walking around all day in her flip flops will probably hurt her feet, but unless she experiences it herself, she won't believe you.
At this age, they are expressing their individuality and choosing their own clothes is one harmless way to allow them to do that, as long as the outfit is appropriate. I think you have to let go of the control a little to allow your daughter to be herself, and begin to spread their wings.
I think you need to pick your battles. Really, it takes 5 minutes to change her clothes maybe, and we wear flip flops all day all the time. If her feet get sore, then she maybe needs to learn the hard way. I just don't see the point in arguring with a 5 year old over something so silly when you could have been out the door and on your way. Sorry.
Wow, I guess I do not know your child well enough, because in our home, if our daughter wanted to change her clothes to go to the "Fun day at the Zoo".. I would not see what problem this would cause. I would have let her change.
How long could it take her? 5 min? 10 min? I would have said, "what are you thinking you want to change into?"
"Well you can change, but we only have 5 minutes to get ready."
"Don't take too long, we want to get there while it is not so hot."
YOU decided on this new plan for the day.. And it sounds awesome to me..But.. Your husband was able to say no.. and that seemed fine with you.. but if your child was surprised at this big announcement, she may have needed this change in clothing, to prepare for this new event. Did you ask her if she wanted to go? Or did you announce. "Hey we are going to the zoo! "
Our daughter.. and I like a heads up about big plans. Sometimes, I am on board and some times, I may not really be in the mood, until I get my act together.. Yes, changing clothes, maybe taking a snack, a drink..
And the flip flops? I would have told her my concern about her feet hurting etc. and if she insisted, I would have told her to put her tennis shoes in HER back pack and had HER wear the back pack..
To me, this all seemed to escalate for a non reason.. It is summer. If she had only worn the first outfit for a few hours in the morning.. I would have not washed them, I would just have her wear them another day this week.. No big deal..
This is not a game of who wins and who loses, it is a time to have some fun and to remember, she is a person with her own needs and feelings. (remember your husband? He was allowed to not go).. She needs to be guided in these transitions so she can learn the correct ways to handle her feelings instead of being brought to tears. and then punished for feeling frustrated and her feelings not being heard and addressed.
I guess I just parent differently.. I was an older mom.. I had our daughter at 30 years old.
Changing clothes is something that she can control, in a world of you do as the adult says, that is their little piece of the control. I would have let her change the outfit.
I do agree about the shoes, but if they will not listen.. life lessons are the best. you let her wear the flips.. when her feet hurt, say your decision to wear your flips now you have to live with the consequences. Either leave early or allow her to live her consequence.
We have to pick our battles. But they are gaining independence and branching out, it is our job to help them make good decisions.
I would have done exactly what you did. Earlier today there was a question about young mothers vs older mothers. This is exactly the scenario I was talking about. Sometimes moms give in. sure you don't want to wear what I said go change. you don't want to wear real shoes ok go change, you don't want to stay with me you want to run amuk go ahead. You are the mom and sometimes you need to just say no. And stick to it. And then let her remember the next time.
I would have let her change her clothes and wear flip flops. Why not?
Lots of kids need a little transition time after being told about a new activity. If someone told me they wanted to go someplace, I'd like a few minutes to decide what to wear for the outing. And the flip flops, some teens wear them every day all day. Why not let your daughter wear them and throw some tennies in the car just in case.
When you told your daughter "let's get ready to go" she didn't throw a tantrum, she just wanted to pick a different outfit. Rather than turning this into a power struggle, why not take a few minutes to do wardrobe consultation with your daughter? Then maybe you could both decide what you should wear, too. Because having a fun day with your daughter is not about rushing out of the house to do an activity but spending time and enjoying one another, whatever you are doing.
I personally would not have let her change clothes...I'm a one-outfit-per-day kind of person, unless the current clothes are too dirty for going out. Especially since I usually let my dd "pick" her own outfit, so I would have pulled a "that's what you put on, you are not changing" stance.
I just don't want more laundry. Lol.
As for shoes, I would have let her suffer through the flip flops or left early when they started hurting her feet... Let her experience the consequence instead of hear about it. If you feel like being nice, I would secretly take her sneakers and allow her to change when you feel she has learned from her actions.
I feel that it is important to let children make age appropriate decisions, and to live with the results... BUT they also need to recognize and respect the authority of the parents. It's hard to find balance between the two, so as parents we can only do the best we can in any given moment.
If she continued throwing a fit, I would not take her. Sorry, but the zoo is a treat. If she is going to be argumentative and bratty, she doesn't deserve the treat.
This is what I do.
You want to change your clothes fine (to an extent because they are at
an age where they are trying to exert their independence).
The shoes? I get this all the time. This is what I do. "Sure wear your
flip flops but we are changing to tennis shoes once we get to the zoo
for all the walking around."
My son will sometimes do this. I try not to give in nor take the stance of
an inflexible Warden.
I try to work "within" the realm of compromise. Letting her choose a
comfortable outfit quickly & taking the tennis shoes with me to change
into for comfort once we arrive at our destination before getting out of
the car.
Sorry mom, I am with your daughter on this one. I HATE walking around in sneakers all day, especially in the heat. My husband doesn't get this as he thinks socks and tennis shoes are mandatory for all day walking but I am a firm sandal/flip flop girl. My feet need to B-R-E-A-T-H-E. And no, I am not (much) overweight if that's what you are thinking. I'm in good shape, and I walk a LOT. My daughters are the same way, the only time they wear tennis shoes or sneakers is for sports or working out, the rest of the summer you will find us all in leather sandals or flip flops.
So, yeah, don't have silly arguments over clothing/shoe choices. If she ended up complaining you could have simply said I told you so and then left, at least you would've gotten in a good half day at the zoo. Since you have a pass you can afford a half day here and there, right?
Probably the minute the arguing and crying started would have been the time I said "I guess we're not going then. Sorry you can't behave."
I'm not very tolerant about things like that. I would have found something else for myself to do and left the whiner at home.
I have canceled a couple of things recently when my son (just turned 6) has acted horribly in the morning when we were getting ready to go. he still throws major fits sometimes when he doesn't get what he wants and then just screams about every little step of getting ready. When that happens, it ruins my mood very quickly - I have a short temper and little patience (working on it) and just don't want to go out anymore after he's acted like that.
I think they're at an age where they need to learn the lesson that they have to behave appropriately to get to go out and do fun things. I can only think of a couple of things I actually canceled, but can also think of a few more where I REALLY wished I'd followed through on my threat. He usually does improve his behavior once we're out, but my mood is still ruined.
I think you made the right choice. Sure, perhaps you could have let her change clothes (and given her a time limit, like 'be ready to go in 10 minutes'), but I too have changed plans in the same fashion. "I really don't want to take an uncooperative kid to the zoo. We'll try another time, but for today, I'm done."
If she can't agree on something as simple as shoes, yes, it's easy to predict that the rest of the day is going to be constant negotiation. No way in heck do I reward that! If my husband had complained about my change of plans, I'd be quick to offer that he could take the Little Arguing Person to the zoo if it was important to him, but that I wasn't going to subject myself to more misery, thanks.
When my kids were 6 I probably would have done the same as you.
If I could go back and do it all over again I'd probably let her change her clothes and wear the flip-flops, and then discover the discomfort of walking several miles in flip-flops (without me having to say a word).
When you write about your daughter I always get the feeling that she is a very smart, strong-willed little girl who is learning her way in the world. Wonder where she got that from? :) She's probably not as much of a pleaser as you were as a child, but she's strong and that's what counts. It will serve her well someday.
JMO.
I really hope your husband didn't argue with you in front of your daughter. Your husband needs to button his lip and stay out of it. If he wants his daughter to not be an awful teenager, he should be glad that you stick to your guns with your little headstrong girl...
You did just fine. She will think twice the next time she argues with you. You should remind her what happened to her zoo trip the next time she tries to pull this stunt.
Stick to your guns. You are trying to teach her a valuable lesson. Don't stop...
you did the right thing. personally i have a hard time changing plans usually because i am meeting someone and don't want to ditch them but I am totally on board with what you did.
there was no reason for her to change clothes, period. sure they like to, sure it wouldnt' have taken long, but you weren't taking her someplace awful, she should have been grateful to go, period.
and i think you are right she would have grumped the whole day no matter what because if you gave in on the clothes she would have wanted icecreams and if you gave in on that she would have wanted a pony etc etc etc.
And for the people that say let her wear flip flops, are you serious, my kid would never connect in their head that their feet hurt because of their choice of foot wear, and even if they did they could contintue to choose flip flops the next time.
I've been waiting years for dd to realize when i say put on a jacket it's because it's cold out, and she starts shivering and whineying and blaming her whining on what color the sky is not the fact that she choose not to wear a coat.
I would have decided right then - when the clothing thing came up - that we were not going.
I read your SWH and I totally agree.
You can't give them an inch because then they take a mile!
You're doing good, mom! Hang in. It will get easier but only because you've done the hard work early.
What do you want to teach her from this?
Do you want to teach her that it's okay to stay mad all day?
Do you want to teach her to get over it and move on?
Do you want to teach her that Mom has dressed her properly for the day and that is just how it is?
Do you want to teach her that you both won this battle?
Do you want to teach her that it's not a battle, you are her mother?
Hmmm? I believe I would have allowed her to change her clothes, that is NOT a big deal at all, you probably spent more time arguing with her about it then it would have taken her to change...then I would have told her I am allowing you to change but you need to wear your kicks so you don't get blisters, trust me on this one! Done & Over! *I do agree with the other posters in the fact that if you do not have the ability to get your DD to listen to you about wearing kicks instead of flip flops, then if she wore the flip flops & her feet hurt, you could use that ad a lesson in trusting you & what you say!
But you are the Mommy, if you feel she was being a brat & you didn't want to deal with her than that's that!
I don't allow my kids to argue with me. I tell them when they are verging on crossing the line & shut them down...but I have NO problem with them expressing themselves & wanting to exert some independence, by like changing their clothes.
Ugh - I hate days like that.
I guess I'd have taken the sneakers in a small back pack with some water and snacks, and let her change when her feet got sore. One less thing to fight about. Some kids need some control over transitions - maybe she thought "zoo" meant "special" so she needed special clothes? Maybe letting her change would have saved time, although I get that you want her to do what she's told.
What's hard is finding the balance between "let's go have fun" and "do what I say even if it's not fun." You can't have a kid controlling you, I get that. You don't want to set the precedent of her delaying and running the show. Unfortunately, it wound up ruining a day that would have been fun for you.
You had time to mull over the zoo idea, but for her, maybe it came out of the blue. My son was not good at transitions, and even now, while he has long since outgrown it, he has friends who just can't decide to go out without weeks of planning. Frustrating.
So I'd suggest learning from it, trying to set up a day in advance with some warning and some ground rules. For today, she chose the behavior (not listening) so she chose the consequences (not going). For next time, discuss the day before, discuss the outfit to wear - tell her she has to wear sneakers, so which of her outfits would she like to wear with them. Give her that choice and don't worry about what she wears unless it's completely inappropriate for the weather.
I'd talk to her about arguing incessantly and remind her that the last time she spent the day crying instead of having fun. Ask her how she wants to do things differently so that everyone has fun - but give her a couple of choices. Maybe she's just the type of kid who you can't spring things on all the time.
From this, you can figure out a way or even a code to use when she absolutely has to listen and respond immediately. You can't over-use that, but there are times when safety is critical or even other people's schedules, and you can't have a debate.
So use today as a learning experience for everyone. You'll work out some strategies because these things are going to occur again in the future.
I believe in picking my battles, and battles over clothes are just not battles I'm willing to dig in on.
You did what you had to do, but I think I would have just said, "hurry up if you are changing", and left it at that.
But, my kids have ruined PLENTY of potential good days and outings with various behaviors, so I'm not perfect either!
No zoo. Would have sent her back to her room by herself until she could behave and apologize.
I had one of those mornings!!!
I told the kids we were going to go out for breakfast to our favorite place. My 5 year old COMPLAINED and said she didn't want to go!!!! She was super negative and argumentative all morning.
We ended up going to breakfast because I wanted to go, and we decided to just ignore her.
I also find that changes of scenery tend to help with attitude adjustments. So I tend to get my kids to buy in to being positive and cooperative, and then we head out. If they act up, we then just head back home.
I would have allowed we to change but would have been firm on the shoes. I would have given her a time limit, though, and told her I was heading to the car and would go without her if she dragged her feet.
i would not have gone-maybe looking back, if you had told her she could change but had to wear sneakers.....who knows?
I would have let her change clothes and taken a pair of sneakers along (she could carry them in her backpack). I don't like when someone pops a new plan on me without consulting me so I expect my son to sometimes feel likewise. You were ok when DH bowed out, I would respect your daughter's feelings as well. I don't see a problem that she needed a few minutes to get ready or that she wanted to change clothes. I view the escalation of the situation as at least as much your responsibility as hers. I don't send my son to his room so I cannot comment on this.
Some days I would love if DS would just learn to listen to me because he should listen to me. And then I try to remember the big picture. The goal is NOT to have an obedient unquestioning child. The goal is to raise a thinking, reasoning, questioning, fully participating member of civil society.
Besides - that child who learns to obey adults because they are adults might just be a tiny bit more likely to obey that child molester who happens to be a family friend or relative. Who knows?
