Advice on the "Terrible Two's"

Yep, What Victoria said, but the I would like to add....TWOS are a breeze...right around three is when it gets really bad. Just wanted to let you know so you won't be too shocked. No one tells you about it, but you can ask any mom that has been through it. Two will be relatively easy in comparison.

Good luck with the twos....the choice option should help quite a bit.

Oh M., he is beginning to assert a little more independence. The best thing I found to deal with this is to give him choices. ANYthing you do.. if you can work a choice in for him, will help him cooperate with you and make your life much less stressful. It may mean planning an extra 5 minutes to get ready before you go out, so plan for it taking 5 minutes longer than usual, but:

Ask him if he wants to put on his jacket himself, or would he like you to help. Or ask him if he wants to put his left arm in first, or his right. Does he want the sweatshirt or the jacket? Does he want to wear his mittens/gloves now, or put them on in the car?
Ask him which pair of socks he wants to wear today... the ones with the blue or the ones that are all white.
Ask him which (of two) toy he wants to take in the car for the ride to the store/pool.
Ask him if he wants to change his diaper on the floor in this room or that room, or whatever.
Ask him what game he wants to play/book he wants to read after his fresh diaper is on.
He may even want to start using the potty... you might even ask him that!

Ask him which bath towel he wants for after his bath (for example: the blue or the green).

The grocery cart is a bit of a challenge, as I STILL have 2 kids who both want to push, and even at 8 and 11 years, they can be a little scary...lol. But maybe if he can't push, he can pick which one you USE when you first walk in. Tell him in advance... "you can't push it yet, but you get to pick the one we use today". Maybe even ask him which aisle he wants to go down next partway through your shopping, to give him a little control of what is going on. That's all he really wants.

It will get better with time.. but he just wants a little control over his world... and you can help him have it if you give him some (acceptable) choices along the way.

Enjoy!

oops... almost forgot... be sure that you give him concrete choices... ("this or that") not open ended ones.

Dear M..... I feel your frustration. My son turned two in December 2009. His acting up started just a month before his birthday. He screams like his fingers are smashed in the cart everytime we are shopping in a store. I decided to let him scream. Yes it is embarrissing. But it will pass. The Doc told me to play games with him and when I pick out the stuff I let him place it behind him in the cart. well, he still screams sometimes, so I wont play while he screams, but I will play when he stops. I even let other customers make sad faces at him and I point them all out to him so he can see how sad everyone is at his screaming. The best Trick the doc told me to handle these two's is to NOT DISCIPLINE THEM. yes it is true. It worked.Time outs have a great place for some things, but not for the frustrated two yr old. I had trouble at home with the diaper and the coat and even the carseat was a struggle. So we had to spend twice as long doing everything. Rather than getting myself all worked up about it, I just planned extra time for each activity. It takes me 15 minutes to change his diaper now. I let it go on and I hold him down, but the longer he carries on the longer the diaper change will take. The same for the coat. It is not a choice. it is going to happen my way... he is just making it take longer. The doctor said to LOVE him during the battle. I can hug him, kiss him, sing a silly song to him, but I wont give in... he is getting this coat on and zipped up even if it takes us fifteen minutes. The same for the car seat. But that one I draw the line. I will stand there silently and not play or kiss or nothing while I wait for him to sit down. I will bore him into that chair. There are no toys no music no snacks until the buckles are on. It is getting so much better that sometimes I am ready to go way too early. As for the bath, I give him the choice. we both get down to our underwear and he gets to pick if he wants the shower the tub or a sponge bath. He always picks the tub. Mom and me in the tub... wowee! So we play in 3 inches of luke warm water for 10 to 15 minutes. I dry off first and then let the water drain then I get him out. We made a loving game out of it. the Terr-Two's are little people budding into a new life and they are frustrated. They need you to be there to help and to guide and to not beat them or give in to them. You have to stand firm, but love them, and still mommy has to win every battle. Don't give up and dont give in even one time. This is your chance to show who makes the rules here. Be strong, be loving and plan for it to take longer.

i have a 28 month old and here are some things that bring peace and happiness in our house:

I read a great article on parent collateral. Its not a negotiation, its not bribery, it is about consequence. Bribery never works becuase you are assuming that what you are offering the child is worth more. this get the child to verbalize what they want and you are teaching them that there are things that we have to do to get what we want. Basic example: my daughter is not a fan of hand washing. so i first ask her is she wants lunch...she says "yes" and i tell her "if you want lunch we have to wash our hands". i know she wants lunch and i want hands washed so i hold the lunch as collateral for hand washing. If she backs off the hand washing i repeat it. If she still refuses I tell her ok i guess you decided that you are not hungry for lunch. It's really calm and i always keep to my word.

By taking choices into consideration it really helps to empower your child. "we are going to put our jacket on so tell me do you want the blue jacket or the red one". Putting on the jacket is not debatable however the choice of jacket is up to them.

Givinging a heads up on what you will be doing helps the child prepare for change and gives you a point of reference for later "remember what Mommy said...we go to the store after lunch".

Impromtu stories rock in our house! Making up a wild and silly story about Elmo getting his diaper changed helps your kid focus on you and the story and not fight the situation. this has been a life saver when having to wait on a line, for a dr appt, for the food to arrive at a restaurant, etc. The minute i get a yes it's instant collateral if I need it!

Finally we give our 2 year old jobs to do and get her involved (great sense of accomplishment) and is a great distractions for that 2 year old pit-bull-like focus. "pushing the cart won't help Mommy because your job is to pick out the yummy apples for us. Which apples should we get green or red...etc". And of course lots of praise goes miles.

Once you eliminate any underlying reasons you find that most tanrums are about control. if you give them clear choices (may be small to us but huge to them) it helps to give them control in their world and they feel that have a place in ours. When you as a parent lose control and start battling everyone loses.

It's hard to keep unwaivering patience and be a parent detective to figure out what is going on with our kids. Remember to keep it in perspective, these moments will fly by and pretty soon they will be so independent. I wish you luck and hang in there!

Hi, M.,

In addition to giving concrete choices, be sure to give him advance warning before transitioning to any new activity. When we are driving home from preschool, I tell my just-turned-three-year-old what we're going to be doing once we get home: while I make dinner, you can play, then we'll eat dinner, take a bath, brush our teeth, read a story and go to sleep. I keep on reminding him a few minutes before each change, so he's prepared to stop playing, or doing whatever he's doing. It seems to help a lot...but you have to keep reminding them at least a few minutes before changing activities.

Good luck!

I agree that you should give him as many small choices as possible (this jacket or that one for example), also I agree with the "calm and consistent" advice.

There's a book called "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" that I highly recommend. I wish I'd read it earlier!

Hi, M.!

THis is perfectly normal and with mine it magically dissappear when he turned 3 1 1/2 month ago.
Be patient and keep doing what you are doing this too shall pass.

Good Luck!

We've all been there, but I can tell you that parents with obedient children all have something in common- we are calm and consistent! I highly recommend the book, "to train up a child" by the Pearls. I have implemented that book and I have strangers come up to me in public to tell me how well behaved my children are. (37 months and 20 months.

You child needs to know the rules and expectations and understand their is a consequence for his behavior the FIRST time he misbehaves. And that it has no effect on how much you love him or even like him- that you are not mad at him, it is simply a consequence for his decision like a burn from touching the stove.

M., hi! I have a daughter who turned two years old recently, and I do what Aimeee suggested, which is manage Sammy's transitions by giving her a heads up. For example, when it's time to leave the park, I tell her "ok, it's time to leave in 3 minutes!". Then I count down..."ok, time to leave in 2 minutes!", etc. It works really well and can be used for anything. I also had a problem with getting Sammy to put on her coat with this cold weather. So, along the lines of what Sylvia mentioned, I think there was actually a reason. Namely, she gets hot so quickly that I think putting on the coat indoors was just too much when she was already warm. Next time, I'm just going to wait until we're outside and she cools off, and I have to get better about not overdressing her. Good luck!

I recently read a book by John Rosemond "Making the terrible twos terrific" It has GREAT and practical advice on helping you get through this stage.

Are you being as firm as you can be with him? Give him freedom within limits. Make sure you are saying what you mean and mean what you say. DO not let manipulate you. Do not overtalk. Give instructions in one or two words like STOP or THAT HURTS or BATHTIME. The clothes thing you need to lay off. CHildren are very hot little balls and they do not need nearly the clothing we use. Do not ruin your relationship because you are forcing him to wear something he doesn't want on his body. If he is cold, he will let you know. It's not worth it. I speak from experience with this one! Also investigate the fact that he may be having sensory issues and he might have trouble processing lots of movement, directions, emotions and data coming into the brain. This is common. If you think this is way out of bounds (odd) for a two yr old, then get him evaluated by an OT. Self regulation starts with mom so make sure you are regulated and he will be.

i agree with rosemary, just wait :)

M., this stage of his life takes a LOT of patience. I don't think there's much more you can do aside from what you're doing.

The only thing else that I would do is to find ways for him to fulfill his independence in other ways so that he will not have such a need to fight you. He might be wanting to dress himself; teach him to do this. He probably wants to help you in the grocery store, which is impractical, but get him to do things with you at home. Even if you have to go around after him when he's not looking and correct what he's done -- helping you put clothes in drawers, for example -- it's worth making him feel that he's capable. I think that's what he's asking for.

Also, make sure that the clothes he doesn't want to wear, aren't clothes that are uncomfortable for him. He may be trying to tell you that these clothes make it difficult for him to move, that they're too tight under his arms, and so forth.

Another thing you can do is to take him outside and show him just how cold it is, and put on the jacket when he feels cold, because he surely doesn't like being too warm inside the house with the jacket on.

Also, try to set up errands so that he doesn't have to be rushed to perform things. I know that's not always possible, but if you're in a hurry to get ready and get out the door to be on time for things you have to do, but he's going to make it a power struggle if he feels forced or pushed. Give the process a little more time and see if you can get him to put on the jacket himself. Try to make it pleasant.

He's probably trying to tell you, "Mom, I'm not a baby anymore, I want to do things myself, and I want to help you, too." Try to find ways where he can do this, because this is the stage of life he's at right now.

Above all, patience, because he can't say stuff in words yet, and it's hard for you to know what he's complaining about.

Peace,
Syl