How to Deal with 18 and 19 Year Old Kids?

There was a great discussion on the teenage brain on NPR today. It was fascinating - and made a lot of sense when you think about teenage decision making.

http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2015-09-09/using-brain-...

Your problem is not with the kids. Your problem is that you and your husband don't agree. On some level, his son is his responsibility especially if the boy's mother is involved with parenting. But the double standard with a daughter and a son is pretty 1950s-style male attitude.

You don't say what responsibilities your children have when living with you - if they are students or workers, if they contribute/pay rent, etc. If they are graduates and not college students, they should be working.

Other than deciding if they should pay rent or be out on their own, I don't know how you stop them from going out if they are 18. If your stepson made a mistake and admitted it, and you chose to let him come back, that's a good sign. Your daughter is testing you to make sure you love her enough to let her go and still have an open door if things go south for her. Your husband has said, no, he doesn't. What does he think, that she'll be a tainted woman if she's not a virgin? She's asking for a safety net.

If you aren't being expected to support her while she lives with her boyfriend, on what grounds can you say no? And if your stepson is back home, hopefully he has learned his lesson and is doing something responsible and adult with his time.

If you and your husband can't agree, then you two are the ones who should get some help, not just for your relationship but for parenting adult children who still live at home.

Your husband let his son boomerang and your adult daughter didn't want to be his housemate and moved out. She's grown and she can do that. Are you only upset because your daughter chose to move based on household changes neither you nor she had any say in? Maybe you should show your DH how you feel and move out as well. If you allowed your husband to keep your daughter under his thumb because of her gender and she is now free from that, don't encourage her to come back under his rule. Let her have her own life. These are not children. They are adults. You "deal with" them by treating them like adults and expecting the same.

Mine aren't as old as yours are. However, my siblings and I screwed up at points along the way (especially around that age) ok I really screwed up at that age, and one of my sisters did. The others were all more or less sensible.

Yes - we had the "we're always here if you need us" mom. However ... not unconditionally. Not once we were adults. We didn't get to take advantage of her. Not her home, her hospitality, her funds, no no ... we were adults. We had her support but if we screwed up, we were expected to deal with the consequences and learn from our mistake.

So when I dropped out of college and moved in with my boyfriend, and that didn't work out - yes, I was allowed back home, but I had to have a plan. I had to get a job. I had to do this, that and the other... and then I had to study hard, write summer exams and go back to college.

I think your husband is off - not sure what's up with that. Not even worth commenting on.

But being irresponsible and taking off and coming home as if you have open doors ... that's not really ok (wouldn't be for me). I deserve to be treated with respect. I think you set expectations very clearly and enforce them. Your husband and you need to be in agreement on this.

Good luck :)

Honestly, you lost me at "won't allow" "different for boys than girls"? So, the step son can screw up then be rescued by Dad? But your daughter has to suffer any and all consequences without assistance of any kind? Seriously? Please tell me you are kidding!!

While I am all for consequences, this is wrong. Just plain wrong. I hope there are expectations on your step son. If not, you are in for a world of pain. Good luck, you are going to need it. This is a hot mess!

If she has not moved yet, I can see your husband's mentality. Not that it is 'equal or fair' but letting her know not to pull the same stunt.

They way you wrote it sounds like your daughter's logic is off. Step brother did something stupid, now she knows how it was handled and likes the reward or consequence , so will do the same and expect the same treatment. Life does not work that way.

My kids are younger. If my son swings a baseball bat and breaks a window I would run out and comfort him and make sure he is okay and tell him to step away from the house. If my daughter then took the bat and said she plans to break another window and expected the same treatment she would be sorely mistaken.

First, they are not kids they are adults and the law see them that way.

I think if you let one come back then the other should be allowed to move back. I can't stand that double standard put between boys and girls, it's BS. Sounds like it's different because that is "his" son and she is "your" daughter.

If you raised your daughter to be a responsible adult then you shouldn't have to worry about her moving back home.

Since they are legally adults there isn't anything to deal with. Tell them they have X days to remove their belongings from your home and then redecorate those rooms into something you can enjoy.

I wouldn't do that but if they don't want to live there then they've made that choice.

As long as our kids are in school and attending they are welcome to not have a job unless they want one. Our beliefs are that grades and school are their full time job. If they want to work very very part time and their grades aren't effected then that's fine. Grades and school come first so there's no question in my mind that they won't work if they don't want to.

We have so many youth that can't even come to the youth activities on Wednesdays. They are too busy with homework or they're working a part time job or they are just overwhelmed with too much to do. Church is important. I've learned my view from seeing so many youth burn out before they're 17.

If these guys aren't going to enroll in college and continue their education then I guarantee they'd need to be out looking for a job or they'd need to already be working.

As for your daughter that's moved in with someone, there isn't any reason for her to not make that choice. I'd let her know she can come home if it doesn't work out but I'd also use her room for anything I wanted, her things would need to be moved out with her or put in storage out of the room.

Welllll...the kids are basically raised at this point. All you can do is serve as a wise compass and hope you have raised them to respect you enough to take your words seriously.

Your husband is not helping the issue....I wonder if this is just the tip of a very, very large iceberg. We can't help your husband treat both kids fairly.

My mother did the best she could to raise us, and of four of us, there have occasionally been times that we needed to come home to recharge our batteries, and get our stuff together. She has never turned us down. Although we all know she expects us to take care of ourselves. I don't know how a parent could ever turn away their child when in need. But honestly, every family is different and if your husband is adamant about this, then there's nothing we can do to help you.

Maybe marriage counseling??

Oh good grief. Your husband picked the wrong reason to give his daughter. It doesn't matter that he thinks this. He isn't helping.

First off, the step-son shouldn't just get to come back home, no strings attached. He is out of school now and has to go get a job. He needs to be looking into going to college. He needs to show you and your husband his research to get these two goals met. He needs to have specific jobs in the house and he had better do them. He does NOT get to sit on his butt in the house and play computer games, sleep half the day and make you do all the work. His sister needs to see him working, too.

All this needs to be said to him in front of your daughter.

You need to go over to the boyfriend's house and talk to his parents, without the teens around. Tell them what is going on. Ask them not to allow your daughter to stay there.

If they disagree and want her there, then there is nothing you can do. But you will need to tell your husband to shut up about girls vs boys. If he doesn't, she may just go out and go wild because of what he has said.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

These "kids" are adults. Why are they not on their own or in college??

Where is their biological mom in all this?
How long have you been their step mother?t
Why are they not in college?
Why are the rules different for each kid?
What is their life plan?
Have you spoken to the parents of this boyfriend? Do they understand what is going on?? WHY would they allow her to move in? Are they trying to be grandparents???

Tell your husband the rules are the same for everyone. It sounds like these "kids" have NOT received life skills from their parents.

If my daughter (now 29) came to me and told me she wanted to move into her boyfriend's parent's house? I would say - GREAT - go play house! You are welcome back - but you are an adult - you will be expected to pay rent and carry your weight.

Truly - give the kids a look at real life and tell them they have to provide for themselves. IF you and your husband have failed at that? Looks like you'll be harboring kids in your home for a while. TEACH them how to balance their checkbook, TEACH them a good work ethic, TEACH them how to take care of themselves....it's NEVER too late to TEACH...

Is your daughter his step child?

He sounds like he's desperate to find a reason for her not to decide willingly up front that she wants to screw off for a few months and then go back home. It's one thing to go down the wrong path, but another to announce it and plan it ahead of time. I can imagine he'll say anything to reason with her. I'd explain this to her. I'd also let her know that while you are always there for her, she can't expect you to feel good about her planning to take advantage of you. I'd talk it through with her and see if it's a good time for her to get her own place, so she can have her boyfriend over and start gaining independence.