I have a wonderful 21 year old daughter who is going through a rough time right now and although I have been there for her I just want to make sure I am doing and saying all the right things. She has just broken off a 5 year relationship with her boyfriend. They have managed to storm her being away at college (coming home every other weekend) but this last few months have been very bumpy for them. She just turned twenty one and he is one year younger. So she is looking to enjoy being 21 and he joined a fraternity at his college. Needless to say he is the only guy out of his group of friends with a girlfriend, and they are both in different places right now and have been arguing a lot. I think they both want their cake and eat it too,it and we all know that doesn't work. I love him dearly he is like a family member but I do not like the things that have been going on. Trust me they are both wrong in their own way, but it is really tearing me up as well. I think when our children go through these things we draw from our own experiences so I am trying to advise but not say toooo much. I have told her I think they need to take a break, I think if they are meant to be they will be, I do not want her to wake up one day and say I wish I did this, or I wish I did that. My daughter is a beautiful girl inside and out, and is very picky about who she would be with so I know this guy is very special because she would never be with him if he weren't. She tells me she has no desire to date other guys, but she wants to just experience going out and I guess see what's down the line for her. My husband and I had her change her phone # just because he was calling her nonstop and she was unable to function at school. Today she has called me 5 times because he is sending her FB messages and is really upset. I feel for him so bad because I do not like to see anyone hurting, but I know he has done some really foolish things to bring my daughter to this decision. She is asking what to do. I told her to just answer him and tell him that right now she needs time, she feels confused. and to please just give her space. He will not stop messaging her. She said to me mom "I am fine when I don't hear from him but then I feel horrible when I do" " Do I love him or do I just feel bad because he feels bad?" I told her only she can answer those questions, meanwhile my heart is breaking for both of them. I don't know if she is still in the angry stage and will regret saying the wrong things right now so I told her to just not answer right now. She stayed at school this weekend because she said when she is here she thinks of him, and when she is at school she is busy and it's easier. Am I doing and saying the right things here?? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Thank you for all of your responses. They were all very caring, and supportive. However Mindy, I am a little taken back by your response. Although you are entitled to your opinion, who else would your child go to then you. No matter what age. My daughter is a very independent, smart, and a mature girl, however this young man has been a very big part of her life and our family life for many years. She does not want to be harsh, and is not leading him on in anyway. I do not ever discuss the intimate details of my daughters relationship NOR DO I WANT TO KNOW THEM. But I am so happy that at 21 she still feels the desire to come to me for comfort, and advise, not to tell her what to do, but to listen. Do we know all the answers at 21?? No so if I could help her through this you better believe I will. If you read my post you would have read that I am trying to not say too much just listen to her. I guess I asked for opinions, but I just thought yours was very cold. I would never want my daughter to be hurtful, or mean, he is in pain and she has been clear it's over, and she is not answering him. How many young people go through this type of break up and hurt themselves, going off the deep edge. I would not want that on my shoulders, or my daughters. I have been hurt at that age, and as I said we all draw from our own pain. I would want to treat him the way I would hope my daughter would be treated had the shoe been on the other foot. I will never stop being a mother to my children, no matter how old they are.
NOthing is worse than her bf not knowing what is gong on. I do feel for them both. First loves are the hardest to forget. They are so young. Nothing wrong with taking a brake from the relationship. They just need to honest with each other. I would tell them both this is the time of their lives. They do not have to date others to take a brake and enjoy the College experience. I wish them so much happiness!!
Sounds like she is trying to move on, but he is stuck? I would answer his messages once, letting him know that I need space. If he keeps messaging I would send one last message to say goodbye, but I have to have this space, and than block him from her facebook. It will be hard, but at least he would get the message, we hope. Fact is though, your daughter is an adult and she will have to be the one to make the final decision in this. She sounds very level headed though.
Hi D., I have a 13 year old daughter, and two boys 18, and 16. My daughter and I are very tight, and hearing your post warms my heart since you have kept her close even into adulthood. Clearly to date, you have done it right that she shares such intimate details of her love life with you at 21. Every mother wishes for what you have with your girl,
I also have relationships with ALL my kids friends, boyfriends/girlfriends...a friend of their's is a friend of mine.
My oldest who is a freshman away at college is having similar issues with his girlfriend of 3 years. I LOVE her, she has become a family member over the years. I see and feel (literally also on facebook and myspace etc) the conflict between them. I do not respond to her posts when she specifically reaches out for my son, but the generic ones, I DO respond to. I understand youthful relationships are fleeting, and like you, I don't want to but in, but I love both of them immensely....
You and I as Grown-Up people have had relationships come and go, and as traumatic as it is, we've both survived.
I can have a private and completely unrelated relationship with his girlfriend and future girlfriends (sigh), I mean I THINK I can, without crossing the line...
I'm not sure. I'm hoping for some REALLY interesting posts from other Moms with grown-up children too. tehehe
I think about MY mom and the friends me and my siblings have all had, they come and go...
Only thing I can say, is I think you must be a fantastic Mom to have kept her so close into adulthood, both of you are very fortunate to have each other..
And like Potty Training and Mom's Taxi, this TOO shall pass
Peace to you!
Tell her to go with her gut feeling. If things are not right then that is the answer. College years are years to learn who you are and what you want in life and what type of person you might like to be with in the future. Since she does not feel right when she comes home have her stay on campus and maybe you go down for a weekend get away.
She does need her space to figure out what she wants to do. As you have mentioned do not tell her but give her good suggestions. Like, "I suggest that you seek others or fill in the blank". Let her make the choice because if it does not work out she will blame you.
My daughter has had a few of these men in her life and a few have been serious and hurt dearly by she did learn from each as to what she did not want in a many.
Also I told both my kids to wait until they were 30 to get married. I explained that the 20s is a time when you are finding out who you are and if you lose a job it is not so hard as if it would be had you had a family that you were responsible for. So far my son is married a year and is 37 and my daughter is 33 and has a potential friend.
Just be there for her as you have and be a sounding board. It will all work out. If it is meant to be it will otherwise it is over and she will move on. He will be the one who will have to figure out life. Fraternities have a way of changing people as well so it might be best to cut the cord.
The other S.
PS I see college students daily as I work at a university and listen to their ups and downs.
Do have her block him from her FB accounts and any other things.
I think you are doing all you can do Mom. Any opportunity for counseling? I would say they both have some growing to do. I feel the blowing up the phone and anxiety attacks are a maturity thing, which is perfectly normal at this age.
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Yes, you're saying the right things. Except, I don't think she should be telling him she's "confused." That just keeps him dangling. It's hard to do to someone you care about, but it's kinder in the long run to be blunt and to the point. "Joe, I don't want to go out with you any more."
Work with her on finding a sentence she's comfortable with, to let him know the relationship is over.
I remember back to when people dumped me that way: it hurt more initially, but I got over them a lot quicker, vs. the ones who strung me along.
Sounds like your are giving good advice! Sometimes advice definitely is appropriate, but I would just caution you not to over advise. Ask her questions instead of directing her too much.
You might remind her that answering his messages, or even reading them is a choice.
When I was her age I thought I was going to marry my long term boyfriend as well. Until I realized that is just too young to make a lifelong commitment, especially out of guilt! You are not the same person at 21 than you are even at 25. She should be concentrating on herself. I'm sure there are some people who have been together at a very young age and are still happily together many years later,but the odds of that happening are very very slim. If she feels fine until he contacts her that is her answer! She needs to move on and cut off all communication or else he will just suck her back in out of guilt and she will resent him in the end. We only have 1 life!! Don't waste it staying with someone out of guilt!! She needs to block him off her FB acct. It seems harsh but he is not respecting her wishes! Sounds like you are doing all the right things mom! Supporting her is the best thing you can do for her! Good luck!
P.S. I got married at 32 and had my kids at age 34,35, and 37! There is no rush at 21!!!!
I feel you are saying all the things I would tell my 20 year old daughter if she were in this position. Sometimes when we are hurting, we just want someone to listen without expressing their opinons or thoughts and it sounds like you have done just that. Time will tell and if it is meant to be everything will work itself out. You sound like a very kind and supportive mother while still allowing your daughter to make her own decisions...Kudos to you!
Doing rapid math in my head (LOL) they were 15 and 16 when they started going out and have been together since? I think its high time they broke up and looked around to see who else is 'out there.' Without comparison they will always wonder what might have been. Who knows, they both might realize that they were right for each other, but they need to grow up apart first.
Yes you are doing and saying the right things. My children are ages 22-28 and we've been through a lot of relationships. As the mom I can see very early on which ones are good and which ones aren't but I've always kept my mouth shut because I feel it's up to them to figure it out.
All you can do is to let your daughter know that you are there for her and will support her no matter what she decides. Continue to let her know that you are proud of the wonderful young woman she is. Your emotional support will help make her final decision something she'll be able to live with.
That being said, her boyfriend can not have his cake and eat it too. It might be easier on your daughter right now to tell him to stop contacting her until her makes a decision on what he wants in their relationship. They've both grown up a lot since they started dating and maybe they've grown apart. Or maybe they just need some time to figure out if they have a future where they will grow together. It's hard because as a mom you feel bad for both of them but want the best for your child.
Hang in there, mama. It'll come to an end somehow and she'll need your shoulder to lean on either way.
First - if she wants the relationship to be over, then she needs to break it off and ask him not to contact her at all, she can "unfriend" him on Facebook and needs to take action if he stalks her in any way
Second, and this may be hard to hear, but I think it's time to talk about taking a step back with your daughter. She is an adult and you may be too involved in her relationship. Even if she is inviting you into that part of her life, it is fine to tell her that the details adult relationships are usually private and that she should be making her own relationship decisions.
IMO, a "break" is never a bad thing. If it's meant to be, it will. If it's not, they're both better off. What's the rush to commitment? They're too young for that At 21, people don't even know what love is. And his actions are very immature, let alone unstable and show little self respect!
