How Soon Is Too Soon? - Foxboro,MA

There is no timetable for how long a person should grieve. Grieving is a very personal experience and is different for each person. Unfortunately there is a preconceived idea that you should at least wait a year. A lot of people think if you don't, it's too soon. And they think after a year is up, you should be ready to move on (even if you are not). So, be prepared to be judged negatively (possibly by your husband's family) if you start a relationship. My father had this experience when he started dating and married shortly after my mother's death. My mother's family has not spoken to my father or us since. The understanding of your children to grasp this relationship will be dependent on their ages and how they are handling the grieving process.

One last thought. Your husband loved you and would want you to be happy. The memories of your marriage will be with you always.

I wish you the best.

I too am very sorry for your loss.
I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, but I wonder if you might want him to be right so badly that you will convince yourself that he is. I know you say you are not lonely or desperate, but maybe you are and just don't realize it. If you do some soul searching and decide that it's all the right reasons, I say go for it! NO such thing as too soon. Sometimes those people who have the best marriages are ready quicker because they have a good experience behind them as opposed to somebody who might not have such a good experience to look back on and wish for more of the same. Just be careful not to confuse your kids - they too are experiencing the loss of their dad so be sensitive to that. My step dad lost his wife to cancer after a great marriage - he and my mom started dating really soon thereafter and are now married. It definitely was a testament to his first wonderful marriage that he was ready so quickly - even though he too didn't expect it. HIs kids were grown so that wasn't really an issue. You sound very smart and perceptive and I believe you will make the right decision. Good luck to you!

My only concern is "too soon" is a tough thing.
My sons father died & I got into a relationship that just ended up being a bad tail spin in my life. I WAS doing it to cling to anything I could to stay afloat. My son was only about 4 and was a go with the flow kind of kid to a point. He didn't know any better as his father and I didn't live together. Plus I was in such a bad place I saw as little of him as I could as it was just too painful.
It doesn't sound like what your going through right now. For your girls, it may be too early. It's still fresh and they probably aren't looking for a replacement or someone to try to fill that role just yet. They probably aren't thinking about how it's effecting you either.
If it were me..I would probably keep it more or less a secret..between the 2 of you until later.
My cousins lost their dad and more recently as 1 wants to see Mom happy and the other wants a larger income for spoiling reasons, they want her to date...it's been over 10 years.
My point is its different for everyone.
It's not an easy question to answer but I do hope I helped in some way.
May God Bless you and your girls! It's a horrible thing to go through.

Very sorry for you loss. Everything that I've ever read says it takes a year to process through a loss. A cycle through the seasons.

Absolutely you don't have to feel guilty about anything, but for your own health, mental and otherwise, and if you truly want this relationship to be a strong one, give it that time period.

Best
S

I am so sorry for your loss, it must be devastating.
Some people need another person. Just be careful with the kids. Don't involve them until some time passes or they could hate him.
Just take your time!
Be friends for a while.
M.- SAHM and WAHM and loving it!
http://www.WorkingGreenMoms.com

Wow B., that is fast! I think you might still be in shock and miss the company of a man. Take it slow...really slow, enjoy eachothers company but give yourself more time.
Regroup and take stock in you as a woman, spend this time with your children and extended family, give yourself time to heal from such a tramatic lost. If a source of joy is spending time with this man, do so but keep a clear perspective. I'm sure if he's as wonderful as you think he'll stick around and be patient and understanding of your situation and needs. My sympathy for your loss and heartfelt wishes for a joyous future.

Sounds like he's someone you can share memories of your late husband with. And that could be part of why you are so drawn to him. Maybe you don't even realize you are lonely. But of course everyone does grieve differently. I think I'd try to take it slow though and make sure the only things you have in common are not your late husband. If that seems to be what you both talk about the most when you're together it might not be the real thing. I'd probably hold off on letting my children think there was anything romantic between us if I were you. Let them get to know him first while you're figuring out if there's more between you than just the past.

M.

B.,
I'm very sorry for your loss.

Naturally you have nothing to feel guilty about. You deserve happiness and fulfillment. Moving on is healthy and right.

I have no experience in this personally but I have heard it said that when people who have had a wonderful experience in marriage lose a spouse, it's not uncommon for them not to have trouble moving on because they're eager to replicate the wonderful experience. That doesn't mean that what you're feeling is not geniune. It is just a possible explanation for why you are ready after what most people would consider a short time.

I think taking it slow is a good idea, talking with someone about it is also a good idea. Also, don't be surprised if there are rough patches along the way, not just with your daughters but just in the relationship. As long as you're prepared for these things I think everything will be OK.

Good luck!

Hi B.
I think it's natural to feel guilty about falling in love with that man, for your husband passing was a bit recent. A lot of people may think you need to give yourself more time to grief, but i think time is relative, everybody heals differently. If your feelings are true and he feels the same way, what a wonderful thing is to fall in love again, give yourself time to realize what you want from this frienship, and by time i don't mean months or years, take YOUR time, if it takes you a month and you know what you want, let that feeling grow. About your children, I ignore their age, but if the time comes to talk to them about this, you just need to reasure that their daddy will always be their daddy, and you will always remember him and treasure all those wonderful memories about him in your heart, and noone will ever change that.

I.

My deepest condolences to you and your family. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in your position. I would think that it may be possible that it still hasn't really set in that your husband is gone. I think it is wonderful that you have someone who has been helping to make this time easier for you. IMOHO, I would recommend waiting until maybe a year has gone by and talking to a counselor so you can really process all your feelings and be in a healthier mental state before you start a relationship with someone new. Especially with kids involved. Best of luck to you.

B., I'm so sorry for your loss. I think so many others could speak better to this than I, but we watched my mother in law lose the love of her love prematurely- my husband's father was 55. The first year is so raw and numbing at the same time- having seen her go through grieving two years, i can say there is definitely a cycle and although what you feel may be very real, just try to go slowly if you can: her first year was just unreal, her reality had changed permanently but the depression and devastation that goes with that in a life crippling way didn't happen until year two. In year one, it was like she floated through- she laughed, and at times seemed happy (although to those who knew her, she seemed to be living in a fragile place, with nothing behind the eyes even though she swore she was fine)

Year two, she stopped swearing she was fine- she wasn't, and the first year was a blur, as though it had never happaned. Year two was tough- so if he's in your life, he can support you, but in case you go through things on a different level, once the shock has resided, then maybe going "slow" is the best advice anyone can give you. Year 3 has been much easier- awful but real, and not devastatingly real. Best of luck (and love) to you as you and your daughters heal...

I am so sorry for your loss! Since you said it was sudden, you are probably still processing at 5 months. Maybe you could talk to a grief counselor, I think a professional could help you assess your readiness for new chamges.

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain of losing my husband. That said, I don't think that there is any set "grieving period." We all grieve in our own time and in our own way. Your heart may or may not be ready to form a new romantic relationship. Only you, he and time will tell. In the mean time, while you figure it out, I would do your utmost to keep the romantic nature of the relationship private from your children. As you clearly know they have suffered an enormous loss as well and they may not be ready for a new "dad" or for you to have a new partner. The hardest thing that you could do to them would be to think that this new relationship is for real and bring this man into their lives in a major way, only to decide a short time later that you (or he) aren't ready for that kind of commitment. For mom to have a new friend is one thing, for mom to have a new boyfriend is another. Good luck, follow your heart and take care of yourself and your girls.