So....this may be sort of awkward but I have no real friends who I can talk to this about, and I alwas love hearing your opinions. So my husbands wants me to get a vibrator :/ been talking about it for a long time. I finally broke down and ordered one thinking it'd be fun and maybe spice things up with us. I got it yesterday and he asked me if I was going to try it out alone, which I said no, that's not why we got it. Anyways I woke up this morning to a NASTY note from him, accusing me of being a liar and how I should do a better job next time lying to his face. Apparently he snooped thru the browsing history, came across a porno website, and assumed I'd did what i said I wouldn't do. After my explaining to him that I didn't do anything and dust use it, NOTHING, he tells me I'm a liar again and all he wants is the truth. Which I'd already told him. Several times. My story won't change because I told him the truth, I told him what happened. So we've gone all night without speaking, I asked if he wanted me washing his uniforms, he said no I'm perfectly capable of doing everything myself. Anyways just a huge mess, e acts as tho I cheated on him, when all it is, is him assuming i did something.
How in the hell should I handle this? What can I do to either make him see I'm telling the truth or get over it? It's going to be an incredibly long weekend if he continues to not speak to me. Which always leads to him saying he doesn't trust me when I haven't done anything!!!! :(
You are all amazing! I have been totally honest from day one, he's never had one single reason to have any distrust in me whatso ever. I've posted other questions about our relationship, so it's been pretty rocky the last few months, but I thought things were finally getting better. He's said before he's never really trusted me, from the day we met. He's a very insecure person which I think plays a huge role in his constant feelings of betrayal and insecurities.
Quoting SH
"He told you to get one.
You did.
Then he accuses you of using it. "
That says it all.
There is a lot of distrust. Be careful this sort of disagreements can lead to an elevating cycle of domestic violence. This is known as the tension phase...
Be careful
.
When you ordered it, did you get it on line? I think those sites will put 'cookies' on theirs to take you other places. That's more than likely what happened. Why is he so insecure anyway?
He told you to get one.
You did.
Then he accuses you of using it.
He is dumb.
He is insecure.
He cannot handle, that you got one. Even if he told you to.
You did what he wanted.
He will not believe you.
Because, inside he is dishonest himself.
He seems like a very, dysfunctional man.
And, he is just looking for things to accuse you of.
Imagined.
He has a problem.
As the other poster said, be very careful.
What if he gets explosive about this?
He, cannot handle it, nor the fact that he TOLD YOU to get one and wanted you to get one.
Really, screwed up logic.
Now he is blaming you for it.
Your husband sounds scary. He's the one I wouldn't trust.
Beki,
I have been reading your posts about the troubles you've been having with your husband since January. I know at one point you said that you were going to get some counseling. I think you said he agreed that you should, but that you were going to go alone first?? Did he ever go with you? It sounds like the same issues you've been dealing with for quite some time with him. Is he showing any signs of improvement or willingness to get help?
I fear you're constantly asking basically the same question over and over again, just different details and deep down, I think you know what is best for you and your 15 (probably 16, 17 or 18) month old now. I'm sorry to say this, but based on everything I keep reading from you, it doesn't sound like he's dealing with his issues at all and he's still putting everything on you, still being paranoid, still not trusting you, still being overly insecure and then blaming you for it and you almost sound like you are starting to believe him.
How do you handle someone who doesn't trust you for no reason? You give him a huge wake-up call that it's time for him to handle his trust issues, otherwise he's going to lose anyone who's ever been good to him.
your husband is horrid.
the vibrator is the least of your concerns.
khairete
S.
It sounds like projection. Maybe turn this around on HIM and ask him why he is reacting so much? Did HE do something? Is HE the liar?
Clearly, there is something going on emotionally with him. Does he feel like he doesn't satisfy you? Does he feel insecure?
Men usually lash out when THEY feel insecure. I would leave for the weekend and leave the vibrator on your pillow with a note, telling him that when he's ready to act like a man, not a jealous high school boy, to call you.
You don't need to put up with this. ANYONE who accused me of lying, I would never talk to again. My word is my everything.
I would take a hammer to the vibrator (that HE wanted you to get) and smash it to pieces.
Tell him you didn't want it or need it in the first place, you ONLY need him and if he doesn't trust you that's something the two of you need to seriously talk about.
No more nasty notes, say it up front and personal.
How long have you been married? How old is this man?
Don't allow anyone to wrongly accuse you and make you feel guilty when it is someone else trying to turn the tables.
Hopefully, you are not an abused woman? If you are, contact your local women's shelter and don't take any chances.
Blessings...
He is manipulating you and using this made up situation to make you feel bad so he can have control of the situation. Don't fall for it.
Your hubby needs help. Tell him to get counseling or you are going to talk to a Navy doctor or counselor or is Comanding officer. And you will demand they do something to get him in counseling.
I would also be talking to a divorce attorney. See what your rights are.
lol first of all, TRY THE VIBRATOR!!! it may seem weird at first( it was for me too) but once you get comfortable and see what it can trully do for you. In no time at all you will WANT to use it with him. it will never replace the actual man but it;s fun!!!!!lol now it does sound like he has some issues an dhe needs some help. as many have already said get some counseling for you guys. beast of luck
I agree with everyone else. This is really bad behavior and I'd be super wary of it. It's a kind of "crazy making" typical of domestic violence. I suggest you use this as a litmus test, tell him quite plainly that you are not going to change your story because the truth doesn't change and that the vibrator is going into the trash. He can believe you or not, but that's on him. Don't feed into this, it's control plain and simple.
I agree with Hazel.
So many Sailors, Soldiers, and Marines have PTSD and don't even realize it.
I would start with the chaplain and his OIC.
Document everything.
Remember, he has the Navy on his side, you are a wife and were not issued.
From now on he gets no sex.
Stand up for yourself, tell him you do not like the fact that he is accusing you of doing things you didn't do. When he is being verbally busive tell him then leave the house.
He can't get better by himself. PTSD eats at them, it'll consume him.
THis will get you some immediate help ~ i.e. counseling for you, how to deal with JAG etc.
miiltaryonesource.com
1-800-342-9647
Good luck.
What in the world?! This goes way beyond the typical Man Passive-Aggressive!
I hope you find some RATIONAL person/friend/therapist to talk to. Your husband is just OUT THERE!
:)
After reading your what happened - do you really want to stay with someone who is so insecure (and possibly cheating himself) that he needs to verbally and emotionally attack you to make himself feel better?
Who the hell cares if you DID use that vibrator alone? You'd probably have enjoyed yourself a lot more than using it with a partner! I'm sure he keeps his hands busy - if you know what I mean, and I"m sure you don't consider that anywhere near cheating!
I don't think your marriage could get better - unless he went on some major individual counseling and you both had marriage counseling on top of that. Also, don't forget - counseling only works if BOTH PARTIES are giving it their best effort and make changes and compromises for the best of their family.
I would toss the vibrator. It sounds as if it sounded good in theory and then he started to feel very insecure about it. Not that you owe him this but you might say that you didn't mean to make him feel insecure by getting the vibrator but you HE was interested in it. I would also ask him to please not call you a liar. I think there's not much you can do but let him cool off. And...do you know how to clear your history? Might want to do it when you do certain things that might be misinterpreted - looking up old boyfriends, etc. I periodically clear mine. And if you do wish to use "something" you can always use a zucchini as a substitute for a vibrator ;)
Why does he care if you use it alone?
I would wave the vibrator in his face and say: "say bye-bye " break it in half, trash it, and walk away from him. No explanations necessary on your part. You said it once, twice is enough. End of story...
There's a strong group of women that have good points. I'd listen to them. Best of luck.
P.S. let us know what happened. :)
