Hello, I have a 7 year old son who is supposed to go to his biological fathers every other weekend. He was not present when my son was born nor in his life at all until he was about 4. My husband has been "dad" since he was 2 weeks old. Anyhow, my son hates going. He's cries, tantrums, etc. when I tell him he's got to go to "his dads" this weekend or whatever. At what age will he be able to decide? I truly hate forcing it on him because that's exactly what it feels like I am doing. I wanted to contact a lawyer, but I figured I'd ask here first to see if anyone has had a similar experience. Thanks in advance :
*We DO always encourage him and we always say he will have fun. We feel bad that he truly hates going, but I always tell him he's going to have fun because he has 2 other siblings there. I don't know the reason for him not wanting to go because he doesn't specify, however he is very adamant about NOT wanting to go.
You need to get to the root of the problem. I would suggest a therapist, a neutral third party he can feel comfortable with and open up to.
In my area, judges seem to want to hear the opinion of adolescents, but not grade-schoolers.
7 is very young still. He may need to see a therapist to work through his feelings. Family therapy with dad included could be enormously helpful.
a lot older than 7.
there's a reason kids don't have the legal right to decide things for themselves. at 7 he's not nearly old enough to be able to weigh the pros and cons and come to a mature decision. that's why he has parents.
and figuring out WHY this is so hard for him is way, way more important than trying to get him to make an emancipated decision beyond his experience. telling him he's going to have fun when he's clearly not having fun isn't exactly helpful.
kids need to be heard, not just told how they're supposed to feel. if you aren't able to open those doors of communication, please get this little fellow in to see a counselor right now. he may just be missing you, or there may be a lot more going on. you need to shift your focus.
khairete
S.
Do you have a court order that states that he has to go? I'd go talk to your lawyer. I'd also see if you can get the pediatrician to recommend a counselor who deals with children with divorced parents so that you all can have an idea of why he hates being with his dad. I think it's really important to figure this out.
How old? Seven. (Not legally, obviously.)
Do you have a good relationship with his father? I think it's time to talk about things all around, and possibly contact a lawyer.
But I think first of all you need to get your son to tell you *why* he doesn't want to go. At 7, he should be able to tell you something. I'm not suggesting he's abused at his father's, but he has his reasons.
Have you asked your ex if he is willing to limit his weekends? My 2 kids go to their dads every other weekend and hate going. They are 11 and 14 but know they "need" to since their dad wants to see them. They are bored because he never does things with them, they mostly say home on video games. My ex "legally" gets the kids Friday after school until Sunday at 6pm. However, my husband and I go to church with the kids. To help my kids with the time at their dads, I asked him if he would be willing to bring them to church on his weekends so they don't miss it every other weekend. Shockingly, he agreed! So now we all meet at church at 10:45 before the service starts and he drops them off. So it's helped them because they still see him but aren't there as much. Maybe your ex will be willing to do something like this. I would just approach him and say he's so young and it stresses him out so maybe he can have him still but for a lesser time? Worth a try. But to answer your question directly, it depends on your state. AZ is 14. So technically my daughter doesn't have to go but she does because she doesn't want her little brother to go by himself. Hope you can figure it out. Good luck.
Believe it or not 18 without court intervention. Before that it is a matter of asking the court to change things. Granted they may not but you have to legally change the custody agreement for him to not go.
As a child of divorced parents that went every other to my dad's I will answer this. I hated going there all my dad did was drink and I sat in the TV room with him and did NOTHING he lived with his elderly parents and my way older cousin his parents were raising I had no place to go it sucked. Well my parents decided it was my decision if I wanted to go or not. I still went one weekend a month at least and willingly if i wanted to go the other i could if i didn't i didnt. When i hit 8th grade i stopped going all together pretty much because it sucked and we didn't have a relationship. To this day we still don't have one and I'm 23. But what i am trying to say is talk to your ex. See if it is possible for your son to go for sure one weekend and decide for himself the other weekend. He may be feeling like he isn't wanted at his home with his family on those weekends so he is being shipped to his "dads" place but he has only known this man for three years. His dad is your husband. Yes he is an older child but he is still a kid my guess is he doesn't really know them over there and doesn't feel apart of the family and doesn't have his own space. So try and talk to your ex WITHOUT your son there to try and see what the dynamic is like I've there while your son is there. You may see that he is fine or he may be miserable. You don't know because your not there. But make sure your son is no where near you guys when you talk meet in a neutral location somewhere.
From what I've seen on various legal sites, your child has no say and can not opt out of visitation with his non-custodial parent until he's 18.
If his Dad decides he wants to see him less, he can petition the court and make changes to the visitation orders.
Is there a specific reason he hates the visits so much?
Since you and your ex are co-parenting you should communicate enough so that you can both make his visits something he can enjoy instead of dreading.
Try to find something positive for your son to look forward to for those visits.
He's got a lot of growing up to do in the next 11 years.
It might be a good thing that he has 2 men (your ex and your husband) who are involved in his life and care about him.
Ditto the suggestion of counseling.
I want to say this from the perspective of being the kid in this situation: I do not think it's in a child's best interest for them to be the ones to 'decide' about going to visit a parent. This is a choice that the ADULTS need to make-- kids this young should not be saddled with choices of such importance.
Sure, talk to a lawyer if you need to, but you are only handling the symptom, not the cause--- understand that. I had reasons I didn't want to go see my dad and my M. did allow me not to visit-- but it really only made the problems worse, not better, because the real problems weren't addressed.
If you are looking at changing the visitation order, I would look into getting a guardian ad litem for your son. This is someone who only acts in the interests of the child and does not represent either parent. That does not mean that they will just agree with you and stop visitation, but they will listen to your son's needs from a neutral perspective.
I don't have experience in this matter, but I should think a counselor might help with this. There may something your son doesn't want to or does not know how to tell you. Seven years old is pretty young for communicating well.
In most states the child can decide at age twelve.
What in the world is going on when he's with his biological father that he hates it so much? I would find out. Without giving any hints I'd start talking to the father about what his plans are and what they do and where they go, etc. And of course speak to your son.
Why is he in the boy's life now? What's his true motive? It doesn't sound like love for the child if the child hates it so much and still hates it after three years. If the child felt love and warmth from him he would not hate it. So what's going on, why does he hate it. Is there something really bad going on or is it that he's just not treated with the love and attention he wants and needs. Either way, you need to find out what's happening without causing the father to suspect anything because he could take it out on the boy.
If something really bad is happening you may have to take it to the authorities. Does he have the actual right to have your son for the weekends? If he doesn't don't make him go.
if you don't like being around the guy why would your son?
What a sad situation.
I hope get some advice here, I would suggest a therapist and going back to your attorney. keep really good notes and document what your son is doing and saying.
I think at 7, he needs to go .
How is he when he comes BACK? Dies he have fun? Is he still upset & crying?
EO weekend might still feel like a "stranger" to a 7 year old.
Is there anyway his father could be included in his day-to-day life more?
Your husband has been "dad" since your son was two weeks ago. That would have been the last thing on my mind if I had a newborn but whatever.
Maybe you can change it to every Friday until Saturday so the time isn't so far apart. Please do your best to make this the best family situation as possible. You have so much time ahead of you.
It doesn't sound like he is abusive and you decided to make a baby with the man. Make it work.
sit down with the child and ask him why he doesnt want to go, there has got to be a reason, does he feel left out? ignored? is there nothing for him to do at his dads place? is something going on at his dads place that the child has been told not to tell you about? a child isnt going to throw a world class tantrumfor no reason whatsoever..gotta be something going on that the child isnt telling you about. K. h.
