How Long Is Too Long in Time Out?

My life was changed by a book titled...1-2-3 Magic...

You should read it because it really does work!

Lona,
All of the information that I have heard and read about suggests using one minute per year of age. It really isn't the time that is important, but the consistency of the action. Letting him know that there is a consequence to his actions is the most important piece as is the explanation that you asked him to give you after the fact! Something that might also help is to try to keep the number of temptations (candy) to a minimum, thus avoiding the situation all together!

Time-outs are meant to show a child that their is a consequence to his/her behavior. You showed him that there were consequences to his bad choice and he appeared to understand why he was put in time-out. With my kids, I tell them why they are going into time-out before I put them in there (no lengthy discusion - just matter of fact), they sit in time-out (1 minute per year but I agree that sometimes this does need to be lengthened depeneding on the situation), and then they come out of time-out and tell me what they did wrong (No throwing, no hitting, etc.) and then apologize with words, a hug and/or a kiss. I am not saying this works with every kid but this is what works with my kids. My kids understand now (and really there were time I thought they would NEVER get it) that there are consequences for their behavior. I never tell them that they are "bad kids" (I don't believe they are bad kids) but rather they make "Bad" choices that it is a reflection of their behavior and the choices they made. Kids understand "good" and "bad" at a very young age. Just be consistent. That is the best advice I can give.

As far as time spent in time-out, it depends on your kid, and it depends on you. (It may also depend on the situation, whether he's sick, tired, hungry - etc.) You have to figure out what works for your child, and understand that it will change as they get older. If you have lingering doubts as to whether you were too harsh, rethink the situation, try to find ways you can improve. Ask yourself "What would a truly extradinary mom have done?" And then try to remember that next time. We expect our kids to recognize and learn from their mistakes, and we should try to hold ourselves the that same standard. (Kids will give you LOTS of opportunities to refine your mothering technique.) Rarely does a day go by that I don't mentally kick myself and say "I could have handled that better."

I REALLY don't like the cut-and-dried formulas about one-minute-per-year of age or whatever. It seems strange to me that a pediatrician is offering this advice - pediatricians go to medical school to learn about medicine and physical wellness. They are no more authorities on discipline than the old lady down the street! Maybe worse, 'cause they see your kid 10 minutes a year.

You've got to know your own kid. I, too, did timeouts for a while, but I've come to realize that my son was getting the wrong message from it. Instead of taking it in stride, he would be sad and sulky for a lonnng time afterwards. I mean, he looked HAGGARD - like an old man that had been told he had two weeks to live! And, it's taken me a long time to figure him out, but it turns out that he was feeling that HE wasn't good enough. That mom or dad didn't approve of HIM and didn't love HIM. Basically, personal rejection instead of correction. And of course I had explained until I was blue in the face about "Yes, I still love you, but I don't like what you are doing." And I thought I was clear to distinguish between the person and the behavior. But, it just wasn't sinking in. (And I'm sure some of y'all will think he's manipulating me, or playing me for a fool, but I've got a good idea of his level of sophistication.)

And so I've had to change things around - learn to work *with* him more (and do things *to* him less). But I'm responding to MY kid - it sometimes boggles my mind how differently children respond to similar things.

Like, my boy has a friend named Charlie, and when they were both almost 3, we had frequent playdates. And occasionally, Charlie would get a little out of line, and I saw how his parents would discipline him. The things they said, and the tone of voice they used, I KNOW would have freaked out my kid, and would've triggered a complete meltdown. But, as I held my breath, thinking the whole playdate was over, I saw that Charlie responded fine to it. He didn't over-react at all. And conversely, when Charlie came over to visit, when I gave HIM the warning or reprimand that would typically get my kid's attention, it didn't even seem to register with Charlie. Water off a duck's back.

So the point is that, you know your child better than anyone. Parents and children acclimate to each other. And even if you can't figure out your kid sometimes, you'll probably be able to hit closer to the mark than some textbook formula written by a complete stranger. The parent-child relationship is too complex to simplify to magic phrase (like "1..2..3"). I mean, if you went to a marriage counselor that recommended avoiding arguments with your spouse by using a simple formula or phrase, wouldn't you question that?

My mother was a director of a daycare once, and she remarked to me sadly that she had children in her care whose parents frequently slapped on the hand or spanked, and it seemed impossible to get those children to listen *without* resorting to those techniques. Sadly, these kids seemed to get the message that they didn't HAVE to listen until someone came along and swatted 'em.

I try to take a good look at my expectations and make sure they are age-appropriate. Yeah, it's irriatating as heck that your child is doing something you just told him not to do (eating the candy), but how much easier would it have been to just remove the temptation when you saw that it was an issue. (You're the grown-up, so you ought to be wise enough to realize how tempting candy is to a toddler, and figure out multiple ways to avoid problems. If he was savvy enough to understand that he shouldn't do it, he would've been savvy enough to hide. The fact that he's doing it right in front of you tells me he's not REALLY getting it. I'm not saying you messed up - just trying to help you think of it differently. Try to put yourself in your kid's shoes.

In my opinion, saying "no candy", but leaving it in completely in reach of a two-year-old, AND in his sight, and then LEAVING HIM ALONE IN THE ROOM... I think that's basically asking for trouble. It's like leaving a steak on a plate on the floor, telling your dog "no" - and then leaving the room. It's POSSIBLE that the steak would still be there half an hour later, but how many could REALLY pass that test?

I think of it as an extension of baby-proofing - you CAN tell them 10,000 times to get away from the stairs, or you can put up a safety gate until they are older. You CAN keep glass figurines down where the 15 month old can reach them so that they learn what "don't touch" means (my MIL's idea)- or you can realize that having breakables at their level is too tempting and just asking for trouble (which she realized within 1 day). Childhood will give you PLENTY of opportunities for teaching these lessons, and it's more likely to stick if they've got a little more maturity. If you CAN easily avoid the situation (by removing the coveted object, for instance), by all means do so. I promise you'll get plenty more opportunities to teach them those lessons!

My son is a little younger than yours. I tell him he has to sit there until he is ready to stop fussing and behave. Sometimes that takes a minute, sometimes as much as 5 minutes. After he stops crying, I wait about 30 seconds and then I go in and talk to him about why he was sitting there. So to answer your question, NO, I don't think 5 minutes is too long.

If they are crying when I put them in time out I usually wait for them to quiet down before I let them out. I feel like it reinforces the behavior I want. Not sure if that is right or not :o)

He understood why you put him in timeout and I think that you did a fine job sticking to your guns. Especially with boys u have to let them knwo that they won't get over on us (moms) as they tend not to even "try" dad like they do us!!

Definitely not too long. I think you handled it quite well. Just keep it up so he will learn.

That was perfect. You just have to trust that you know what your child needs. I think 5 minutes is ideal. My kids are older, so time out doesn't work for them, well maybe my 11 year old. He hates being separated from everyone. But for a two year old, I think 5 minutes is good. If he cries for too long, then say that you will add another minute. Give him time to realize where he is. I think the talk you had with him was good too.

You did good Mama!!!

Have you read "1-2-3 Magic"? Its a great book on disciplining kids....I also enjoyed "Loving without Spoiling"...

Don't worry about it. It's just one time. He seemed to understand, and that is the point of time-out!

i put my four year old in time out for like 8 minutes, but no longer than that, amd woth my two year old, trust me he needs 5minutes! it takes him at least 2 minutes to stop crying and that goes with my four year old as well. good luck.

If he's in the time out seat crying or not 2 minutes is two minutes and that's the point of it not if he's crying..he has feelings and he's going to cry sometimes time out can't start when he stops crying it sounds as if he was sorry and id his time. Sorry I think 5 mins is too long when you are a small child 2 minutes can seems like a very long time. Try something like standing on one foot as a parent for yourself for 2 minutes it really is a long time that way it helps you remember what 2 minutes can feel like (empathy as a parent can be a great reminder of how they feel). That's what I do when I think time on something isn't long enough I say to myself well let's see if I stand on one foot that will help me judge how my kid see's the time or feels like it's long. It may sound silly but it works to help me have empathy and understand where my kids are coming from.

I always understood time out times to be one minute for each year of life after they stopped crying. So, he sits in time out until he stops crying, then he sits in time out for two minutes. That may work for some kids, for mine they would probably be in time out for two days if we did that, they just don't calm down, lol. You're doing good, the specifics don't matter as long as it's working. Good luck. D.

I usually tell my girls that their time-out starts AFTER they stop crying. Eventually they realize that yelling and crying is prolonging the punishment. I think it's important that you talk to him after the time out (like in your example) to gauge if he understands or if he needs an explanation.

I read somewhere that kids this age aren't capable of NOT doing whatever they want. In other words, they hear you say no, they know what no means, they know exactly what YOU mean, but they just can't help themselves. The key is to consistently demonstrate that when he doesn't follow through there are consequences. I think your example was handled perfectly (IMHO).

One minute for every year, is a good idea, however there are times when a child is stubborn and it takes a little longer in time out in order for them to understand that they really are being punished.

From what you said, 5 minutes worked out just fine. He understands what he did wrong and why he was in time out. From what you have said, everything worked out well, so don't stress about it.

You should do 1 minute for every year of age (2 years old= 2 minutes).

I do the min to age ratio also, but I dont start the 2 min time out until my daughter calms down and stops crying. She has to sit in the corner quitley for those 2 mins. After her time up is over I sit right down by her and talk to her about what she did wrong, then I tell her she can come out of the corner. That has worked realy good for me because all I have to do now is just ask her if she wants to go into the corner if she is doing something worng and she usually stops right away.

HI Lona,
OK-here is a long answer! The traditional time out time is one minute per age of child-However, more recently child specialists suggest 2 minutes per level of sequential processing (not chronological age). You can check your child's level of sequential processing really easily by saying two words with 1 second between and see if your child can repeat it back to you easily. Start with one word that has a high interest and then add a second and so on. Typically, kids will process 1 word per year until they reach 7. So you say:
Listen repeat what mama is saying: Monkey
Child says Monkey
Mama- Great Job! Now Listen- Bird water
Child- Bird Water
Mama-Excellent! You are doing great! Bunny Cookie Dog
Child- Bunny Cookie
Since she did not get three try again a few times then try another two and this child would be a two. She can then have 4 minutes of time out. This all relates to how the child can process and comprehend information. Also remember that time out is only effective if it has the desired result meaning the behavior stops. Usually more effective is really reinforcing the positive behavior you want to see every time you see it! Good luck!
T.

It sounds like it worked. a note on the candy, I know you didnt ask about this but you really should cut out the candy, his little teeth could suffer, its almost imposable to get candy out of a 2 yr old's teeth.

According to Nanny 911 which I watch every Wednesday, timeout should be 1 minute for each year of age. So if your son is 2 years old his timeout should be 2 minutes

PLEASE PLEASE get the book "Boundaries with Kids" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It will change YOUR FAMILY'S LIFE. Order it thru amazon or barnes and noble.

On the time out issue. YOU DID GREAT! You set a boundary, he crossed it, you helped him get back into control as well as helped him see what he did wrong!

Too much would have been screaming, being out of control yourself or hurting him. YOU did none of those things. I hope you gave him tons of positive reinforcement for telling you what he did and reminded him that you love him!

YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM!!! GET THE BOOK! L. :)

First of all, I think you are the best mom for disciplining your child. I hear of so many cases where the parents "let it go" and the kids never learn anything and don't respect anyone.
When I put my kids in timeout, I do as you have done and wait until they pass the upset phase and are ready to talk. The best thing you can do is explain and make sure they understand why they're being punished. In my child develpment classes (years ago), they did say 1 minute per year, however, I believe it's whatever works best for your own child. I have to wait longer with mine too. If I took them out too early, it wouldn't work so well.
Good luck! Sounds like you're a fabulous mom!!!!!
Melissa

It sounds like you did great. I know you didn't ask, but I just read a helpful and fun book I got from the library. It's called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood, Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. You may want to give it a try.

Hi Lona,
I know exactly what you're going through! My son is the same age and tests me every day. I've always heard (from my pediatrican and other reliable sources) the same time out theory as what your pediatrician told you. At 28 months, your son is too young to be expected to be in time out for five minutes.
I always talk to my son at the end of two minutes to calm him down and make sure he knows why he was in time out. He also has to apologize for whatever behavior landed him there.

Good luck!
T.

I am a mom of 3 children. Time out is not to be any longer that his age 1 minutes for every year. Any longer than that seems like forever to them. Try using a timer to keep track of the time out and the communucation prior and after time out is very important. Both for you and him. Sometimes we need to step back and take a time out our selves. He is probably testing you to see if you are going to do what you said you were going to do time outs, etc.

Sounds to me like you did exactly what you should have done - "whatever works"......... and it did. I have a 18 month old grandson - who clearly understands "time out". We start at 1 min. but before he gets up he must have calmed down and stayed there........THEN he can be "removed" from time out. THEN we explain again why he was there (just like you did) and ask for an apology for his behavoir (which is a hug at this point). Now that it is warming up, it will be good to get these little boys outside and they can release their energy there :)

I think 5 minutes is perfect. I did that with my daughter when she was 2 years old (She's 11 now) and it worked like a charm. Pediatricians don't always knows best because they are not with your child 24/7. I always took what my child's pediatrician said as advice but always did what I felt was right. Being that your son knew why he was sent to "time-out" I would you're doing the right thing. Stay strong and good luck.

Lona, with all my heart I want to encourage you to get the book WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT CHILD TRAINING by Richard Fugate. It is one that helped me see the mistakes I was making with my children and to discipline the way our Maker instructs us....after all, God should know how we need to operate!

What a great joy 2 year old boys are, but they sure know how to pull their Mama's heart strings!

Sounds like it worked out fine.

I do use the time out discipline and my kids sit for 2 minutes and 4 minutes since that is their ages. However, my rule is that time doesn't start until they are QUIET. If they are crying and throwing a fit in time-out, I don't start the timer. Time out is quiet time - they cannot pass the time there by throwing a fit and then just get up. Yes, a lot of times, time out ends up being 5-8 minutes long b/c I can't start the timer right away, but I would rather fight this battle now than have a worse one on my hands in 10 years. Sounds like your 2 year old understands completely why he was punished so he should understand that Time-Out is really Quiet Time.