How Long Do You Repeat Until They Come to Expect It to Be Repeated 5 Times

The Love & Logic parenting books address this exact problem. I LOVE them!! They are seriously like the missing manual to kids. :)

With my 10 year old, when I notice he hasn't done it the first time, I call him to stand in front of me and look at my face. Then I say "tell me what I just asked you to do." Sometimes he will tell me, and my answer is "that's what I thought I said" - And he ALWAYS does it. Sometimes he will just start to do it, and I will say "No, I want to hear you say it" - and he'll say it and then do it. I find I don't have to do it too often - he HATES that routine. If I'm saying something that he often forgets, I make him repeat it immediately. If he complains about repeating it, I'll say "well it seems like you can't hear me usually when I ask you to do that, so I'm making sure you heard me correctly".

Do you think your son just spaces out on jobs that don't interest him, or is he being quietly defiant?

Do you know the story about the kid who is playing with his friend outdoors when his mama calls him? "George, time to come in!" George says quietly to his friend, "I don't have to go in yet." They go on playing. Mama calls again once, twice: "George, come in!" George's friend says, "Don't you know your mother's calling?" George says, "Yep. I don't have to go in yet." Finally his mother shouts, "George Allen Jones, do I have to come get you?" George says, "NOW I have to go in. 'Bye!"

Maybe your son has it in his eight-year-old head that until his mom reminds him two or three or four or five times, he doesn't really have to do the job. And if he's really lucky, his mama won't remind him - she'll just do the job herself! Yes!!

Consider this. It might be time to pick one of his chores (like clearing his plate) and say, "We're starting something new. From now on, I'm not reminding you at all. You just have to remember to do it. For the next two weeks, if you remember and do it right away, you get a star. Get twelve stars out of fourteen, and you pick the ice cream (or some suitable little reward). Less than that, and you get the privilege of learning how to wash the dirty dishes. I am not reminding you of this job at all. You're ready to do work the big-kid way." Don't lecture, and don't be angry, but stick to your guns.

Maybe you know something else that might be a better consequence than washing dishes by hand. On the other hand, he might actually turn out to like a big-kid job like that. Stranger things have happened.

When he can do this job without being reminded, add another one. If he starts being proud of himself, it could go faster. However, I've read that it takes at least twenty-one consecutive days for anyone to start making an action into a habit. So be sure to be consistent; your consistency will help your son to do well.

Does he have ADHD?

He sounds like my husband.
We have been married for 30 years this fall. We have always had the same trash day ~ Friday. Even his parents had trash day on Fridays and yet to this day, he cannot remember to take out the trash.

I can leave him a post it note on the bathroom mirror, the front door and on his keys and he will still sometimes forget. It drives me insane,..

Get your son to tell you how HE can remember? What does HE need to do so he will just do this on his own.. Have him solve it.

For my husband he places the Thursday night trash bag, right in front of the door he leaves the house by.. so that he has to carry it out to the can and roll that out to the street. When he forgets, I place the trash bag in front of the door..
I love him, I love him, I love him.. otherwise I would strangle him..

Don't hold your breath, I've been asking my daughter to take her plate to the sink for three years straight!

You're fooling yourself if you think it's passive, I finally figured out that my daughter doesn't remember because SHE doesn't think it's important.

I finally just made it really important that she remember. She owes me a chore of MY choice if she forgets. I take her plate to the sink and clean it, then she has to "pay me back" by doing the chore I select for her. I usually make it something she hates, like cleaning the litter box.

I used to charge her allowance, but for some reason that never seemed to work. She didn't get her allowance until later in the week so the consequence wasn't immediate. Also, she didn't realize that she had less money until she went to buy something--usually weeks or a month later. That consequence was much to far in the future to be effective.

I figure a chore for a chore was a fair way to do it, I do HER chore, so now she has to do MINE.

So far it has worked like a charm. She does forget sometimes, and then I can relax, knowing she's going to do a chore for me. I do not remind her anymore to do her chores, but I do have them posted in her room so she knows what needs to be done.

I tried behavior charts and such, but we never had the time to keep up with them. I've found that immediate and fair consequences at the time of the crime work the best for us. It's gotten to the point where she takes her plate to the sink and feeds the cats right away, so I have no chance to say she didn't do them and she owes me a chore! LOL!

Good luck!

Hi VM,

Stop reminding him, it only because automatic if he knows it's actually his responsibility. I mean he doesn't pee in pants anymore... why? Cuz he knows you won't change his diaper hahahahaha. so he HAS to be responsible for that bit of his behavior. This is no different, really. It just is cuz it frustrates you (which gives him power).

With an 8 year old I would be creative. I wouldn't clear it. Let it sit there (of course after he goes to bed wipe it so no bugs). Tomorrow for b'fast ask if he would like his b'fast served on "his" plate.... Oh, ooops. Your plate is dirty, because you didn't bring it to the sink. How will you eat b'fast now? You can also throw in a few "well who did you think would clear it, if you didn't" So now instead of the pancakes or eggs or whatever, his breakfast is a breakfast bar since that is what he can eat if 'his' plate is dirty.

I've never had to leave anything overnight, but I have left my daughter's plate on the table and then anything she asks to do I said "when you are done with your responsibilities" - another mom suggested that also and it worked with my daughter. "No you can't (read, play that game, watch TV) because your responsibilities aren't done."

I am against a reward system for "self-responsibility". A reward is something you get for going above and beyond the base expectation - so if you want him to clear YOUR plate or whatever, then that is extra (although that just gets you a thank you and then since you've been extra helpful we now have extra time to xyz). But clearing his own plate is just taking care of himself. It's not a reward or punishment system. It simply is just the way things are done to keep a family running smoothly. But that is just my $0.02 - lots of parents are pro-reward system.

Good luck.

When you give him the reminder, what does he do? Does he act like he doesn't hear you, or is he in the middle of something else and says he'll do it later? Does he have any of his own ideas for how to solve this problem?

You could try cutting it down to one reminder, or just use a key word (like "plate"), or just put the plate, laundry, or dog bowl in his hand without saying anything. And give him the reminder at a time when you actually expect him to drop whatever he's doing and get it taken care of right then.

My son forgets a lot of things, and consequences don't always work with his ADHD. He kept leaving his room light on. Reminding him didn't work. Taking the light bulb out for a day did not make him remember. Rearranging the furniture, changing to a larger switch button, and changing the type of light bulbs helped. His perfect but impractical suggestion was to use a switch with a motion sensor or timer.

do the chore chart. and make a prize that he can do at the end of the week (ie sleep over with friend, movie night, etc). when my daughter turns 5 next year i will start a chore chart for her to do the basic little things. also she is 4 and takes her dishes to sink. he will catch on.

You could also try and Love and Logic type approach and when he asks you for something you can say that you can't do it b/c you're too tired from taking his dishes to the sink, feeding the dog when he didn't, whatever, whatever. You are having an energy drain from doing your work and his work and just can't help him out with XYZ tonight. Or you could say something like sure I can help you with that/do that for you after you've done your jobs for tonight. Let me know when those things are done and I'll be right there with you.

I think that your son should be able to do these simple things. I would suggest that you sit down with him, talk about how a family works together to support each other, and tell him that this is his last reminder for the dishes, dog & laundry. I would also talk about showing respect for one another and how he is disrespecting you by ignoring your requests. (Many schools now talk about respect, so it should be a familiar term to him.

If he "forgets" again, tell him what the consequence will be. I would suggest taking away one of his favorite evening activities and go from there. Then, when he "forgets" stick to your guns. It should only take a few times of not getting his favorite activity and he will be doing his share. Good luck:)

There needs to be a consequence for not listening the first time. We are working on this right now with my 5 year old. If there is one that irritates me & makes me impatient, it's having to repeat the same thing more than once, so we're trying to nip in the bud now.

I'm sorry he sounds like a typical child. Childhood is when we teach kids how to hopefully be adults one day. If this is the worse thing he does then there are a lot of parents who are jealous of you. You have to decide which behaviors are punishable and which one's aren't. Remember what you are doing right now will affect him for the rest of his life. You need to read the book Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax. Us mothers have a tendency to expect our boys to be just like us. They aren't. They are wired differently. I see a lot of boys who are now in high school who are achieving well below their ability and it has a lot to do with how women treat them. Please rethink your strategy and think about this young man at 25 not today.. What do youn want him to be like at that age?

Well, what worked for me, I was a manager of a large group of teens, was I asked the "ring leader" this question ... "how many times do I have to say wipe off the lids of the kastup bottles before you will do it automatically every time?" He said 100 ... so I made him stand there while I said it 100 times. I advised him that we had a 3 write up policy before termination and he had one in the books already so if he wanted to be suspended for 2days w/out pay that he should "forget" this moment because this will be a write up if you are caught not doing it again. It worked - never had to do it again to any of the kids. I have used it simmilarly with my 4y/o now since he is 4 he can get away with "how many times do I have to say this today" vs ever but it does make an impression and it seems to work well.

Do you have other kids who do the desired behavior? If so, after they take their dishes or laundry or whatever - toss them a piece of candy and say good job. When the 8yo asks for some or even take his dishes to sink and asks, just say sorry sweetie, the treats are for when you remember on your own. Good luck

Does he get an allowance? If he forgets you could just charge him a "plate removal fee" rather than fighting with him over it.