Very very sadly, our nanny suffered a 2nd trimester miscarriage. (~16 weeks) This would have been her first baby. It was quite a shock of course. It started on Monday so she was out of work all week. Now it's Friday and I'm uncertain how long is kind of "normal" to be out after something like this. She's a trooper so probably plans to come back on Monday. A friend went through the same thing and she said she didn't want to just sit at home so she went back to work after a few days. But what seems right? Should I expect her back on Monday or tell her to keep taking time off? I'm not sure what my boss would have done if it had happened to me... He is very nice but never takes sick days. We can kind of manage without her bc we can take more vacation time but same time, school is out so while my kids are in a couple of hours of camp a day, my husband and I have to cover. We don't have any family to help. But - we can do it if needed. I know this very difficult and sad for her. So what should I do? A week was about right or I should be really nice and encourage her to take more time? Her husband has a very good job btw so I don't get the impression money is a huge driver for her. Also, she will be leaving us in a couple of weeks anyway bc they are moving out of state... So she's going to have a lot of time on her hands to sit and mourn and maybe it will be too much time in a way and it's good for her to have a couple of weeks of work to try to take her mind off it?... Or maybe working with kids (mine are 8-10 though) is too much of a reminder?... I kind of need to have an idea today so I can make work arrangements myself...
Call and ask. Call soon. No fair to have uncertainty hanging over either of you all weekend.
F. B.
I suffered a miscarriage during my work as a nanny. It was painful and pretty devastating, starting on a Tuesday afternoon. My husband was out of town and so he returned on Thursday.
It was very, very hard and my entire world was rocked. We really wanted that baby and it wasn't to be. Besides just healing from the pain of the miscarriage (it's like a period cramps on steroids for some of us), I was emotionally devastated. While my husband felt that he needed to get back to work and 'normal' right away, I was bereft and needed a few more days.
My recommendation would be to call and just check in on Sunday. Let her know that if she doesn't think she'll be in to please call you that night so you can make prior arrangements. My employer had backup care and offered that flexibility; I was a mess at the time and it helped to have a few extra days before going back to work.
It's nice that you are being so considerate toward your caregiver and are trying to think ahead. I hope things work out..
ETA: some people have mentioned the possibility of it being too hard for her to work with kids again. It really all depends. That miscarriage I described was my third; I'd had two previous ones and still worked with kids. Each person is different and there's no way to know how long is 'enough' time.
If she is really grieving, one resource you might offer is a book titled "Unspeakable Losses: Healing from Miscarriage, Abortion and other Pregnancy Loss" by Kim Kluger-Bell. It's a very helpful, comforting book and I read it after my second miscarriage before getting therapeutic support. Wonderful book.
I would send her flowers with your condolences and a note saying that she is missed. Encourage her to return when she is ready. If you haven't heard back from her on Monday, very kindly ask if you should make other arrangements for awhile.
Be ready for her to say that since she is leaving in a few weeks, she is not coming back. It might be difficult being around kids however yours are older so it might be easier.
I would reach out to her and see how she is doing. I know its a bit of a pain in the neck for you schedule wise but honestly, I would take my cue from her.
I would check in on her.
She might say she does not plan to come back because of the miscarriage and then a move in 2 weeks. She might want to return to keep busy. It is such a personal thing. I would start looking for a new nanny if she is leaving in a couple of weeks. If you have one in place find out if she can start sooner if you need it.
I would let her decide. Some people want to get to a normal routine and some just need that extra time. Tell her that either way it's okay, you are just trying to plan.
Personally, I'd be quitting. I could not take care of someone else's kids after that. But I certainly wouldn't expect her back Monday. The best thing you can do is communicate with her. She's the only one who can tell you.
When one of our staff had a miscarriage this far along it was similar to giving birth and they got several weeks off work. Their hormones took longer than that to level out and their body to stop bleeding and stuff. I had one almost the same length and my milk came in.
I went back to work in child care probably 3-4 weeks later.
I'd ask her the question this way.
"Nanny, when does the doc say you can come back to work? We're planning our schedule for August and we are wondering when he's releasing you to return".
This way if he's already said she can come back she'll come back right away and if he said she needs to take 4 weeks you'll know.
What about hiring a teen kid of some of your neighbors or a friend? It might help fill in the space until she's ready.
Once I had a miscarriage I was pretty much done with child care though. She might not ever be the same. Give her time if she needs it but do let her know what your plans are to get help until she returns.
I wouldn't offer more time. Sounds good already. I have been through several MC's but everyone is different. I would call, not text her to tmrw to check in.
follow her lead.
i was down for a couple of days with pain and fatigue, and then i NEEDED to keep busy. you can't decide for her what's right for HER.
you're a lovely employer to be sensitive to this.
khairete
S.
It really depends on the person and the circumstances, me personally getting back to work was good/bad after I had a miscarriage. Your children are a bit older so she maybe wanting to get back to work. I know personally afterwards, it was not so hard being aroudn older children but new borns or babies under a year was hard. I would personally ask her what she wants to do, if she wants to come back maybe start half days and be flexible.
You just need to ask her. Touch base with her. Both of my sister's suffered miscarriages in the last two years (one for my older and two for my younger). My older sister took the rest of the week off with hers and then went back to work. My younger sister took about 2 weeks with her first one (she was trying to let it go naturally and it caused more issues for her) and the second one she took a couple of days after the D&C. But it really depends on the emotional state of the person going through it.
I'm so sorry for her loss. And I feel for you in trying to do the right thing by her but also make sure your kids are taken care of.
I had five while working as a teacher. I took anywhere from one day to a week off with each one, depending on if I had a D&C or naturally passed the baby.
I had a very understanding principle, but for me I wanted the distraction of working it helped make the days go by faster.
Just call her and check in with her and see how she is doing and what her doctor has told her and what she wants. If you feel like it send her a card or flowers. It always meant so much tome when my loss was actually acknowledged.
