How Do You Teach a 4 Year Old That's It's Not Always About Winning?

I remember my son (now 7) going through a phase like that. He hated to lose, but I refused to "let" him win. He did outgrow it especially once he started playing team sports (soccer, baseball). I think it made him realize that winning does not always come easily. We always told him that losing teaches you to be a better winner. And that good sportsmanship is congratulating the winner and not bragging if YOU are the winner.

its his age.

We don't emphasize "winning" or "losing"... but that we all have fun... and that (if we have guests), that they are having fun too.

They won't get, or even tune you out, if they are lectured too much or hear long explanations.
My daughter is older, 7... and she'll sometimes get irked because my son, who is 3.5, is at that stage like your grandson. So I simply explain to HER... that her brother is at a certain age that he is still learning and "practicing" his understanding of it all. Each age my son reaches, I explain to my girl about his development. It works.
And I do that with my son too sometimes... that he is still learning some concept, so its sometimes frustrating. He understands. Be we emphasize as well that "practicing" something and having FUN, is important. Not being better than someone else. But that I understand how he feels.

Lots of good suggestions here.
All the best,
Susan

Keep modeling the right way to win. He'll get it over time. Both my sons were kind of like that, in different ways. They are now both kind people.

We LOVE games at our house, and went through that phase too. Here are some things that helped us.

--Talk about how much fun it is to win, and how poor 'sister' hasn't gotten to win yet. Wouldn't it be sad if *you* never got to win? Won't it be nice when 'sister' gets a turn to win?

--This works best when 3 or more are playing, but it can work with just 2 too.... After someone wins, keep playing for a second winner, and a third winner, even when there is just one person left trying to get around the board, see how long it takes for them to 'win'.

--The rule at our house now is that the winner has to put the game away. Lately I've been hearing, "I want you to win (because I don't want to put the game away)."

--When I have bad luck with a game, I say my thinking out loud (modelling calm frustration), so kids know they are not the only ones who go through those emotions. "My goodness, when am I ever going to roll the number to start?!" And I let them see my laughing at my own crazy bad luck.

--Alternatively, sometimes I show what whining and tantrums look like, so they can see "themselves" in me. "Oh no, I just got the super long slide down!! WAAAAHHH!" They look at me like I'm an alien, and tell me to stop it. So all of a sudden I'll stop and say, "oh yeah, you're right, I don't need to cry about it. That's just what happens in a game sometimes." Sometimes I just say, "Oh no, I just got sent back to home, can I cry now?", and hear "NO, MOM!"

--And especially, games are supposed to be fun. If they start really going overboard with the frustration of not winning, explain that the game is supposed to be fun, and if the game is causing so much of a problem, then we don't have to play it right now.

Have fun!

This is something that will take a long time to learn. I do think that the whole good sportsmanship concept is not something that will naturally happen on its own for all kids, so definitely teach it. I think that, when you are playing games and he gets upset that he isn't the one that one this time, you can smile and say with very light sing-song (or playful) kind of voice, something like, "Sometimes you win. Sometimes I win. Being happy for each other is what being a good sport is all about." And try to get him to sing this song or say this with you. It's a good distractor for one thing, but it is also a good way for him to internalize this lesson.

Hope this helps.

Our son is the same age, and we're experiencing something similar.

Unfortunately, we all know people who are still sore losers even as adults. It may be related to personality, it may be the feelings that are involved with winning vs. losing.

But, we also make sure not to let him win in all situations. If we're playing Memory, more often than not, we'll intentionally miss a match to let him win. But, we'll also make sure to win occasionally as well so he understands that's part of life.

I think one of the biggest disservices we are currently doing to our kids is the concept of all winners, no losers. Disappointment is a part of life. Whatever the activity (spelling bees, dance competitions, soccer games, etc), there is the eventual disappointment. With so many organized sports programs not recognizing a top team, it doesn't teach our kids to deal with disappointment and the ability to rise up, apply ourselves harder, and strive to win.

Very age appropriate, butt also a great time to model the behavior of good sportsman ship. While playing the game or watching a game, make positive comments about what efforts are being put forward. "Ooo, good move", "Good try". "They look like they are having fun." "Wow they are trying really hard."

It is also about luck that we cannot control.. "Gosh these dice are not on my side". ", "Not my lucky day". "I am not having much luck". Gosh he tripped on his shoe lace, but he got up so fast". "That ball just popped out of his hands. So close to catching that."

I think that is why Chutes and Ladders is such a great game.. Towards the end there is a space that that if landed on a person my have to start all over again.. And yet there have been many times that person still ends up winning.

We see this problem in my preschool class quite often. We have taught our kids to do a knuckle touch and say "good game" when someone has won and if they are sore losers they do not get to play the next game. We always play until everyone has a chance to finish or go out. They do grow out of it, but you must reinforce that you will not play with a sore loser because it just isn't fun. Having someone to play with is usually a good incentive. :)

I think ALL kids go through this! And I think it's okay because in life there are winners and losers and every child needs to learn how to do both gracefully.

I think it's important to let your kid win at games, think of how frustrating it would be if he never won!

When he does lose, focus on teaching him how to express his feelings in a way that's good. Kicking the game and throwing stuff is not right! Let him know you understand he's disappointed and then offer him a solution. Talk about good sportsmanship BEFORE you play and how the winner should act and the loser as well. Then when he wins and you lose, you can demonstrate how to be a good loser.

At age 4 they need specifics on how to act. They can't be just told what NOT to do, they have to be shown what TO do. Shaking hands is good! So is giving the person a high-five. Praise him when he demonstrates ANYTHING, even if he's still upset. And of course it's good to let him know that there's always next time!

Ah yes, that's the whole purpose of games, to give kids the opportunity to learn how to deal with the frustration of not winning.

With my daughter at first it was crying if she didn't win, and occasionally trying to cheat. :-0

We repeated the message, "Everyone loves to win, the same person can't win all the time, big girls learn to be happy when other people win too." We disciplined a couple of times for excessive crying after clear instructions for no tantrums (which she already understood, so she quickly associated "losing and crying" to tantrums, which we don't allow) and we warned her cheating would be disciplined, along with the age old "cheating is bad" talk, so she quit that.

After she became more used to playing games, all the negative behaviors went away. Now at 4 1/2 she has a blast and claps when other people win.

Just be firm about it and hang in there. Also, say things like, "Wow! I'm having so much fun with you guys!" a lot, during the game to get the message through that playing games is fun no matter what and be sure there are no adult sore losers around.

He won't magically outgrow it, but it will pass if everyone is firm and consistent about it. He has to have consequences if it continues. One friend I know makes her son stop playing when he does that, but we prefer to discipline and then continue to play the right way. Whatever you do, be firm and consistent!

We've gone through this recently with our daughter. I told her that the fun part is playing the game with each other. Sometimes she wins, sometimes someone else wins. But regardless of who wins, we shake hands and say "good game" to the other person.
That really stuck, and she always says 'good game' now. Her preschool teacher was pleasantly surprised when she did it at school -- it seems to have become a habit now. I think it makes her feel important to do that, I'm not sure. :)

Try playing games WITHOUT keeping score. Play "just for fun" when you can. Obviously, some games have a winner - Chutes and Ladders, etc. but play for "practice" when you can.

If he has a favorite team - Colts or whatever - ask him if they win all the time. Ask him how the players act/react when they lose, etc. JUST keep reminding him that NO ONE wins all the time. Some of the BEST players/teams are the ones that have struggled the most.

If it gets too bad, the option - HE CHOOSES - is either change the attitude or stop playing. I DO NOT ALLOW poor sportsmanship or bad attitudes. If it starts, I remind them that those are the two options. 9 times out of 10, the attitude changes. IT IS a process, so hang in there!