How Do You Know That You're Being Too Hard of a Disciplinarian?

I think you did the right thing. You told them you'd go to the library IF the chores were done...not only were they not done, but the kids were watching TV. Yes, that's typical behavior for a 9-11 year old, and they probably didn't think it'd take very long. Yeah, you could have given in, but I bet you don't like tromping around yelling about the chores not being done either.

I think you deserve a huge "ATTABOY!" for following through.
I'll bet the next time this happens, the chores will get done real quick!

Well I can tell you that if uou do not enforce the doing chores before fun thing, they will never learn to do them.

I was too soft on mine and they will lay around all day and do nothing. If I have a day off from work I am running around doing all the house work and they will sit and watch TV and never offer to help one bit.

I now make a list of all the stuff that needs to be done weekly, along with the daily chores. They are to have 4 chores done each day before any privilages are granted. I pay for chores, five dollars for 20 in a week, then five dollars for each ten extra in the same week. My kids each have cell phones and they are required to pay fifteen dollars a month for them.

Right now I'm having a stand off with my 14 year old son. He spent the first four days of the week loafing and now wants some privilage of going to a friends house but I said not until your chores are caught up to where there would be 4 a day.
My oldest is married and living in a pigpen because I never insisted she help with the housework. Her husband is not real happy with her. I don't want my other two kids to turn out like that.

The one thing that has helped is I don't holler anymore (Well, I try not to) I give empathy instead. "What a bummer that you can't go to your friend's house. I hope you can get your work done next week so I can give you privilages again." it's hard, my son "stalks me" and my daughter cries and promises to do it afterward, but you gotta be tough. Once they get out in the real world, you don't want them calling for help because they did not learn how to handle responsibility. My kids are 14 and 15 and I wish I had started cracking down on them a lot sooner.

Hang in there, you are being a good mom by teaching them responsibility.
L.

I was expecting something much different given your question! I think you were totally spot on in your decision. I'm a big believer in logical consequences as opposed to "punishment" and this exactly fits the situation you just described. You told your kids what they needed to do in order to go to the library and they *chose* to watch tv instead of going to the library. Instead of yelling at them or chastising them though, i would be very low-key about it and just say "well, i'm sorry you chose not to accompany me tonight, maybe you'll choose differently next time".

You certainly aren't asking much from them so it should not be difficult. They're both old enough to have responsibilities around the house, that should just be part of being a member of the household - everyone needs to pitch in and help out. When I was nine (and my sister 7) we had to do everything in the house except for washing my dad's work uniform and cooking dinner. We did all the rest of the laundry (washing, drying, folding and putting away), cleaned the kitchen every night (including sweeping/mopping)and every weekend had to clean the living and dining rooms, family room, our bedrooms, and bathrooms (and if we forgot baseboards, my mom would spray cleaner over every surface of the room so that we had to start over and clean everything again).

So don't beat yourself up. It's natural that they'll be disappointed, but if you're consistent in backing up what you say, (and always emphasize that you aren't "punishing them" they made the decision to do or not do something)they will start to make better choices.

Good luck, hope this helped!

If you stated that they had to have their chores done to go to the library then you are not out of line. Giving in to them will let them know that if the through a tantrum like a two year old they can get their way. Expecting your children to do chores is not out of line. I saw an interview with Will Smith where he said that he expects the his children to clean their rooms. He said to them "Get in their and clean my rooms." When the kids told him that they where their rooms he told them the "I own the house and those rooms and I allow you the use of the rooms so get in there and clean my rooms." I have since adopted the policy with my kids their room is to be kept clean and the floor has to be walkalble to prevent anyone from getting hurt. My husband and I pay the rent/mortgage not the kids. And we have gone as far as taking everything away except the beds and their private lovies. They don't like but they know that they don't pick up they will have nothing to pick up and no tv to watch either. We they play with their friends they are the nicest kids anyone would like to know. But kids are always testing you and their limits. Thats how kids learn and thats what kids do. You were perfectly fine in denying them the library.

I don't think you are being too hard on them, if you tell them to have their chores done by a certain time they should be done. You need to be consistant otherwise they will not take you seriously. I know it's hard and you want your children to like you, but we are not suppose to be friends with our kids and we're not doing them any favors by trying to be.
Good Luck

You're NOT being too hard on them. These are LIFE LESSONS. If they are in the work force and they have a job to do and decide to play solitare or whatever on the computer, go to a movie, etc until "crunch time" what does that tell you? EVERYONE needs to learn to be good w/ time management.

In addition, you're right. They will NOT take you seriously if you give in. They lose your respect. Too much of that going on anyway!

You lost me on "using the library as punishment". That type of thing should NEVER be used as punishment. They might learn to HATE reading because they see it as punishment.

Growing up, we had TWO rooms/porches to do and there were four of us. We rotated jobs. If we didn't do the jobs, we didn't get to do what we wanted. Plain and simple. You learn there are CONSEQUENCES for poor choices. Again, a LIFE LESSON. Think down the road and what you're trying to teach them. It's NOT just about doing a job or getting their room cleaned. It's about responsibility.

You are not being to hard on them. Life if hard and you don't get rewarded for not doing what is expected of you in school or a job or really anywhere.
Yay to you for sticking to your guns. Maybe next time they'll make sure their chores are done. :)

And you aren't using the library as a punishment, imo. You are using it as a reward. Keep it up :)

I don't think you are being too hard on them. I think we always feel guilty as parents. We want to see our children happy, but we also want them to be responsible. I know it is a pain but, maybe, a checklist would help them with their chores. Even though they know what they need to do, this would help them master one task at a time and they wouldnt feel overwhelmed, as we all do sometimes. I think the most important thing is to follow through so they trust what you say. Good Luck

In my opinion, you did exctly the right thing. Kids learn more by what you do, than what you say. So if what you SAID was "I'll take you to the library IF your chores are done" but you take them anyway even if the chores are NOT done, you have just taught them that you don't really mean what you say. And of course missing the library was the correct consequence...it fit right in with what you said. The trick now - and the most important part - is to stay consistent with this strategy. Whether you have promised a treat after or not, there have to be set consequences for failure to comply. If you say, "your chores must be done in 1 hour" and they are NOT done in one hour, there must be a consequence. Otherwise kids know its all hot air and you'll find yourself increasingly frustrated and will need to yell a lot.
Hope this helps!

Ironically I attended a networking session on parenting (mine was only 2 hours) and I say stand your ground. If the children knoew that their trip to the library was tied to completing their chores they only have themselves to blame---don't beat yourself up about it and don't give in. If you remain consistent and provide them with the responsibilities and the consequences upfront you have done your job. Are you going to feel a little guilty---absolutely but the children will learn that you are their mother whom they should love and respect and not the doormat that they can manipulate. I don't mean to seem harsh but in the end the children will thank you for establishing boundaries and helping them develop accountability.

B.
mother of a 5-year old
currently unemployed single Mom

5 1/2 hours seems a bit long to me for two kids so young to be home alone. Assuming they know how to do their chores and have successfully completed them in the past, perhaps the problem is time management? I don't have tween kids yet, but I do remember when I was that age, and time management was something I didn't really completely understand until high school, so perhaps next time, set a time to do each thing. "You need to start on the kitchen no later than 1, and your room no later than 3." But I do think you're right to stick to your guns about the library. Once you've set down a risk the kids are taking, if you don't follow through, they won't really understand consequences.

You are doing wonderfully with your children. Of course you feel guilty right now because your children are not happy, so you question what you are doing. But you were right, and you are not asking them to do too much. Now if you made them clean your room, the bathrooms, do all the laundry, and keep the grass cut, as well as have dinner on the table, then yes, you would be expecting too much. And if you never took them anywhere, you would be the mean disciplinarian. But you told them what they needed to do, and they didn't do it, so there are consequences. No one likes consequences, but they are a part of life. Now it is your job to become consistent. In the past sometimes they lost their privilege, but usually they got it if they just got things done. You weren't happy, and they probably were a little stressed by the time they could go. Now you are changing things. Keep it consistent, and only take away things you can follow through on. One time I told my daughter she couldn't go to a party if she didn't get her room done. You guessed it, didn't get her room cleaned. She had to clean during the whole party. That was a hard consequence to follow through on. Did it mean she always did what was asked? No, she is a child afterall. but that was her choice.
Good luck to you. Being a single parent is not easy, I know. You are doing your best. Believe that.
R.

You should be very Proud of yourself for sticking to your word. Continue and they will start doing thier chores and then get thier privledges back. I know you feel bad right now but later you will be grateful that you stuck to what you told them and did.

You are not being too hard.
Tell them that if the chores are not finished WHEN you return from work, that there will be NO reward. Period.
It is not too much to ask of them, and it will teach them to use their time efficiently.
There is to be NO whining or complaining either.
You must use something they like as a reward or punishment so that they have incentive to do what is required.
They are not too old for time out if they insist on whining or complaining.
If they accuse you of being mean, admit that you are,and that you care about what kind of people they turn out to be when they grow up.
If you do not nip this in the bud it will only get worse as they get older, and they are not far from their teen years.
I was raised by a single mother and I now realize how it must have frustrated her when I did not do as she wished.
I was guilty of what you describe and now I realize how hard she worked to bring me up and provide for me.
More power to you.

I think you might be asking a little much of the children but at the same time I respect your ability to get them to do so much of the housework for you and it is excellant training. By the same token, they are children, it is summer, and they need to be children at some point.
Now, if you told them certain things had to be done or they could not go someplace, you came home and the chores weren't done, they weren't working on them, then you need to stick to your word and "no" they could not go someplace or do something they enjoyed.
Yelling at them is not a solution. Believe me, this is the word of experience here!
You get better results with a sad shake of the head, a deep sigh, and an "I am sorry but you aren't going to be able to go/do whatever because the chores aren't done. I am not waiting for you to complete the chores you obviously weren't working on because I need to go now. I will see you when I get home. Maybe tomorrow we can go and do whatever it was if your chores are done on time."
Stick to your word, the teenage years are coming and they need to be a believer in your word now or they never will be.

I say you were right on! I ALWAYS gave in and am now kicking myself - because my teenagers are so lazy it is not funny. They are confused because NOW I stick to my guns.

Get 'em while they are young - the next time you ask them to complete the chores - they will think twice about not completing the job. Make sure your clear though about the showering and getting dressed, etc. so they know EXACTLY what you expect.

Stick to your guns, it will only get worse as they get to be pre-teen and teenagers about doing chores. So, it's better to teach the lesson now.

You are totally appropriate. My mother used to leave me and my brother a list every day in the summer of chores to do while she was at work. We knew that we had until she came home at 3:00 p.m. to finish the list. Although we normally goofed off all day and finished the list at 2:45, everything was done by the time she got home. If it wasn't, we were denied privileges (going to the library, the pool, etc.), so we made sure that everything was done. It worked for all of us.

The only thing I would recommend is consistency, and making it clear what is expected of them. Spell it out. Tell them, "I want the list completed, both of you bathed and dressed by the time I get home. If you are, we'll go to the library. If not, you'll stay home the rest of the day." Put everything you want done on the list - do not assume they'll do something if it's not on the list. It's not fair to expect more out of them than what you ask. However, if they do complete something extra, it would be good to reward that behavior.

I think you did the right thing. Kids take advantage if they see you do not follow through, they need consistency. To clean your own space and then one community space is not asking too much either. If it happens again not only would I not let them go to the library, I would take the tv with me to work everyday until the chores are done!

Well it sounds to me that you are off to a good start by teaching them about chores. I think that you should use the library as punishment but make sure that you daughter is still reading at home. I wouldnt allow them to turn on the tv until all of the chores were done. My kiddos are still young so this advice is just what I plan to do :) good luck!

Dear, you are doing exactly what you need (and they need you) to do. Part of your job as a mom is to prepare them to be competent individuals in the world beyond grade/high school. They need to learn that their choices have consequences, as no one else is going to be as nice and cool as Mom. I don't know too many bosses or teachers of older grades that will make exceptions based on crying and being upset. It's gonna suck being the mean one, but your children will be better off in the long run.

In my opinion it is not that you used the library as a punishment but that you said what you meant and stuck to your word. This is one of he hardest parts of parenting. I see this as a very positive consequence for the behavior. Saying what you mean and sticking to your word is sooo important for children to understand.This applies to nice promises as well. If you promise then you need to do it. Being consistent is very important.Your children now know that you mean what you say. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

Hi I would never use the library as a punishment. It is wonderful that your daughter loves to read and being 11 and going in the 7th grade shows she is a very bright gal. I think you should stick to what you say but leave the library out of it. There are so many other things but her education shouldn't be part of the discipline. goos luck you are a great mom.