Getting a 9 Year Old to Clean His Room

My son gets very overwhelmed when told to clean his room. We discovered if we said to clean one small part at a time (per day perhaps) that he was able to concentrate on just that small job much better...and we were available to help him also...doing the job together gives time to teach him how to do the job and time to talk about things that are important to him and us.

Go to housefairy.org There are lots of ideas for helping children learn to be responsible and keep their rooms clean.

Hi K.,
I have 3 boys but 2 are grown and the 9 year old is basically an only child. The best advice I can give is don't let him control you it by giving threats he knows you won't follow through with.

My son wouldn't put away some really nice wooden toys at his grandmothers one day, there was one cheap plastic one in the mess, I told him to put it all away and after several 'no's' I said they were going in the fire right next to where he was playing, I got a 'yeah right' and 'no' again, I quickly picked up the plastic toy and pitched it right into the flames, he started picking toys up faster than I had ever seen. One other time, similar scenario but at home and no fireplace, I started picking toys up, I head for the ones I don't like and aren't expensive and putting them in a trash bag and out to the trash can. He followed me the entire way crying and yelling at me and I just responded that when I say this is what I am going to do I mean it. He is 9, has responsibilities that he has to do as part of the family just as the rest of us do and if he can't hold up his part then the choice becomes mine on how to deal with it.

When it comes to Santa, if he still believes, remind him Santa brings stick, rocks and coal to kids that are naughty, don't be afraid to follow through on this one also. Santa doesn't reward bad behavior.

All of this may sound extreme but it only took the two examples I gave for him to start helping out with his room and his chores he has been given, he has to help take out the trash and put away dishes and feed the animals. They are at an age where they have to start learning responsibilities like this so they don't become spoiled adults.

From my experience with my older sons, they want the boundaries, my oldest at 15 actually said he needed more boundaries, he fought them but having them meant we cared enough to enforce them.
Good luck,
Have fun,
SarahMM

Hi K.,

I see you have a lot of advice but I just had to add..this is what I would do, you admit he is spoiled so he knows what he can get away with because he has all this time, I would go in there while he is away at friends or school, take out all of the toys, tv, games, ect. Just leave his bed and dresser, when he asked where is my stuff say I told you I was going to sell it and I did, he don't believe you when you say you are going to do something because you just keep threatening and not taking action, you can ground someone until you are blue in the face it seems to not be working. At christmas I would wrap up his some of his toys that you think he deserves back and say Santa decided to buy your stuff back and let you have it back--teach him a lesson on not using Santa as an excuse to get NEW things. I hope things get better-my brother is 9 and my mom is going through the same thing. All the kids were grown and out of the house when she got pregnant at 40 and this is her 1st boy so she spoiled him rotten because he is like her only child right now-stick it out, keep your feet planted in your word because if you don't your word will start to mean nothing to him. GOOD LUCK! C.

I say you go in there when he is at school, and clear it out. Everything except the furniture and a few clothes (whatever is left in the closet or dresser). You don't have to throw anything away, or sell it on Ebay; just hide it in the garage or at a neightbor's house for a while until he earns it back, a little at a time. If you let him "call your bluff", he will think he never has to listen to you, and will not clean up. You need to show him who is in charge--YOU. He will be SHOCKED to come home to an empty room! It might give him the wake up call he needs.

Oh my, you poor woman! Stick to your guns, go in his room with those garbage bags, take all his stuff (you don't really have to sell it, just hide it well). You may have to get tough enough that you make a phone call to Santa and say that your son doesn't get any toys this year. You can buy him things, and your family can too, but make sure he doesn't get anything on Christmas if his behavior doesn't improve. Keep the presents as rewards for good behavior. Stand your ground, no matter what, when he sees you are serious about this, you will win that war. It will not damage him to not have toys on Christmas, it will not cause him life-long anguish! He might even use guilt, you don't love me, blah blah. Reinforce that you do love him, but that you don't love his behavior, and that toys, and possesions are a privelage not a right. Noone made laws saying kids HAVE to have toys or possessions. If you feed, cloth, bathe, and put a roof over their head, you are a good mom! Don't let him be the boss! If all else fails, send him to my house, I'll straighten him out in a week! (wink) Good luck, I will be praying that it all works out!

I can't say I have the answer, but I can say, don't let it go on forever like I did. By the time my son was about 26 he had taken over the entire upstairs with his "stuff". And I don't mean hung up or in drawers or even boxed up. He is 28 now and even though I got him to get his own place he left most of the stuff upstairs. After reminding, threatening, etc. I am now boxing up at least one box of clothes a day and taking them to a consignment shop.I keep the proceeds. He could still take what he wants out and put it away or put it in his own apartment, but he doesn't. Maybe the consignment shop would be the place to start with the 9 year old. and be sure he doesn't get any replacements at Xmas. If he gets things he has to buy them with his own money. Santa could be very inventive like giving him a broom and a dustpan! That would be my suggestion and I wish I had done it when my son was 9 years old!

Wow, that is tough. I have a girlfriend whose mother would take her children to school, but if their bed was un-made, she would later come check them out of class to take them home to make their bed. It embarrassed the kids to tell their friends they had to go home to make their bed. But it worked. They made their beds.
Then, on Saturday, they could not leave their room for breakfast, TV, or play until their rooms were clean. Sometimes they would stay there all Saturday, but eventually they learned that if they wanted to have a fun weekend, they had to keep their rooms nice all week so they wouldn't be stuck there all day. The trick is to be consistent and not give in.
When I was little, my mother took all of our clothes out of our room. This worked because our laundry was in our unfinished basement so there was plenty of room. There was never clothing cluttering our floors (in our rooms, at least!) Also, she would come in our room every night with a garbage bag and gather everything up and put it in our closet. I started to put things away cause it took FOREVER to find it in the bag. Once in a while she would take stuff away for weeks at a time. Again, consistency. Also, don't threaten anything that you won't follow through with. The kids will play you hard, and they'll win.
If Santa coming is a big deal, then play with that. Santa only comes to GOOD kids! My mother would buy small presents, usually from the dollar store (a big deal to us when we were kids) at Christmas time. But if were fought or were naughty we had to pick a wrapped present from our pile and open it and then take it back to the store. It sounds a little harsh, but it's a HUGE wake up call. Even for little kids. We learned real fast to get along with each other. Bribes can work!
Well K., good luck. Be firm, yet patient and you will triumph!

I agree with Althea and some of the others. It's not too late. You've been a wimp. You blew it. You can't make empty ultimatums. If you can't deal with this what are you going to do when he is a teen, is bigger than you and isn't coming home at night? Steals your car? Is in trouble at school? With the police? You're headed there.

Who's in Charge? Not you.

Kids don't need dictators. But they do need clear, enforced guidelines. NO going overboard the other way, with beating, starving or anything like that, but clear guidelines and consequences for failure to follow them. You live your life according to this. You have a driver's license? What happens when you don't drive by the rules? Is anyone being mean to you if you lose your license for failing to follow the rules? No, you get the consequences of your actions. Your son needs and deserves the same opportunity to act responsibly.

Your job as a parent is to get him into adulthood as a functional, responsible member of society. He is begging you to stand up and act like the adult, his feeling of security depends on it.

Stip his room, take all the toys, all the "stuff", any non essential clothing. Personally I don't beleive kids should have TV, DVD players or computers in their bedrooms. Mine have managed to be honors students without. Those items encourage them to be isolated from the family. I wouldn't take the door, but he doesn't need a lock on it (he's not an adult needing 'private' time. Take the game boys, MP3, Ipod, all that c**p if he has them. Then explain that he will have to earn it back and if he really gets with the program Santa will gift him back a few extra of his stuff. He can learn to change his own sheets (he may need a hand to get it neat enough for the sheets to stay on) When he turns in a used set to the laundry, he gets a clean set. Does he have his own laundry hamper in his room? He has to start somewhere, so an entirely empty room won't serve you. Start with clothes picked up, everyday, bed made everyday, room dusted and vacuumed every week. This means you and the other adults in the house will have to be organized, consistant and all in this together.

Earning stuff back, order is important, what he values most he gets back last. I'll bet there is quite a bit of stuff you can just haul over to the County Task Force thrift store on Jerry St in Castle Rock or some other charity to help local families in distress - sounds like your kiddo doesn't appreciate what he has and probably has way too much of it anyway. Why don't you try volunteering as a family at the local food bank or plan to spend part of Thanksgiving serving at a shelter?

As he earns back things, make it meaningful, because you...., you have earned back your Horrible Harry Books. If he kicks, well you're so sorry he isn't ready to be getting more things back,let's see it goes for another week. If he really does exceptionally then give a choice of some selected items. Helping pleasantly around the house should count too, raking leaves, cleaning up crab apples, helping dad arrange the tools in the garage, vacuuming the livingroom, clearing the table. Get him involved in what it takes to run a household - he'll have one of his own someday. Keep it age appropriate but you might be surprised what your kiddo can do if you give him a chance. When he does extra things be sure to thank him and give out some real appreciation (not stuff. You night start on some gentleman skills too, holding the door, opening the car door - always smile and say thank you. We all need this and males of all ages thrive on approval.

Don't be surprised if he digs his heels in at first or tries it again occationally, you've wimped out for a long time, he's not going to take you seriously at first - why should he? Stay even tempered, this isn't about anger or you controlling him, this is abour him learning self control and self discipline. It's consequences not punishment, what he earns, not you being mean. This is also about you and your husband maturing as parents and partners. Our kids teach us as much as we teach them.

Dear K.,

If you can't back up your threats don't make them. I would suggest that you take everything out....put it in bags and have someone else store them until he earns every bit back. He will really freak out if he thinks that you sold his stuff. Don't allow him to win the war. I am pulling for you. My son sort of did the same thing when he was 15 and I took his door off of his bedroom. It did the trick. He thought that I would not follow through with the door and taking his computer out of the room. One year both of my kids refused to clean up their rooms the week of Thanksgiving and I told them that if their rooms were not picked up my Dec.1....there would be no Christmas tree or decorations going up. Well.....they did not clean up the mess and they did not have a tree. When they wined to others... then people would ask me why. I told them to ask the kids. When my kids explained why, then the other people gave high fives. It was tough, but they cleaned up from then on.

I think you may have explained my 3 year old to a T! I see this as her future even with doing what worked for our boys. The one thing that has worked for us with our older kids, is to take out EVERYTHING. Give him a pillow and a sleeping bag. We took the dresser out and made them check in their clothes for a new set. Then they had to earn back each thing. A set of clothes was a week of one chore being done without reminder. Toys we weeded out to only what we wanted to keep, the Legos and Knex were taken permanently and have never been replaced and were earned back by doing some of my own household chores for me. We also cancelled Christmas, no Santa at our house. Instead we helped at a homeless shelter and adopted a family in need. Now when we request that they keep the floor clear and their beds made it's done. Well except for the 3 year old lol. I think it's really important that your son realizes that it's not just that you would like his room to be clean but that it could be dangerous for grandpa if he were to fall because of the mess.

Have you ever attended any Love and Logic trainings? I know they offer them at churches and at public schools. If you don't know how to find out, I bet you could ask a school counselor and they could find out for you. I have 3 extremely stubborn children and this really works with them. The key is staying calm and saying only what you can stand behind! I really liked what Deanna T says.

If you really are having a hard time following thru on ebay, I would like to suggust an alternative. Go in and very calmly tell him you have thought about this situation and you have realized that as the room is very messy he might be overwhelmed to clean it. Then give him a couple options all of which you would be fine with (remember to mention the best option first, most kids will hear all the options and then choose the first one you said). For example, tell him he could choose to clean his room by himself by (time limit)and you two can make a plan of action (maybe make a map of his room and he could cross off each section as he cleans them, etc) or THIS time you will help him clean his room, but you will be taking all his toys away until you decide he is ready for them back. If he choose the second option, the only thing I would leave in his room is books! Make him wait a LOOONG time before you let him earn his toys back! Have a specific list of things he can do to earn A toy back - these should not be normal chores, but something above and beyond. Take the time you have with his toys to go thru and throw out the broken toys, give the toys he's grown out of away. Then when you feel he has learned his lesson, have him go thru his toys and see if there's any he would like to donate before you put them back in his room. This way his room won't get so clutterd now that the toys are back and you can teach him some good lessons on sharing wiht others too:)
I'm not trying to tell you I have the answer, just a suggestion that works well with my kids. Feel free to adapt to your family, just remember whatever you say - stick to it! :)

You know you have to learn to pick battles I am very quickly learning. If he is spoiled it isn't his fault...right? Time to not buy him anything at all and have him earn his own stuff. I would tell him Santa isn't going to replace stuff if he isn't taking care of what he has and he can learn to live on the bare minimum. I would also let him know how many kids are out there with NOTHING! Taking him to a shelter if need be.

Try helping him clean it up, get plastic tubs (my favorite thing in the world) and plastic bin type drawers and show him there is a place for everything. Label them and have him decide where he wants his stuff to go. Then when he has to pick up stuff it is very simple and things are visually right there where they go.

As long as it isn't food being left in there and it isn't unhealthy let him live like a pig! Just take away the stuff and let him live with the bare minimum. He must know you and your husband have the breaking point, not him. He isn't controlling the show, you are letting him. Just ignore his comments, do what you deem fit, if that means taking everything away, fine. My biggest threat to my kids is if I have to clean up your mess you aren't going to like it. Put his stuff in trash bags and store it away then.

His dirty clothes need to be picked up so they can be washed (a trick here is to hand him jammies for going out on a playdate since he hasn't given you his dirty clothes to wash!!!) Simply tell him like I tell my daughter, I cannot wash what isn't in the hamper and won't go on a search mission to find dirty clothes. You know where to put them!

I was a messy room kid, not because I was spoiled but because my room was my santuary to some degree and I liked it the way it was. I think kids need their "space" and most kids just aren't cleaners. Teaching being clean is important, I am a NEAT FREAK so I understand your frustration. On the flip side my mom was on me all the time, had her friends tell me how messy my room was but it didn't phase me either. My mom finally I think when I was 13 put a "RADIOACTIVE ZONE" sign on my door and the rule became the door had to be shut. As I got a little older I did want it organized and put things where they belonged.

I had to help change my sheets weekly, I had to make sure my dirty clothes were in the hamper, but it stayed cluttered until I moved out for the most part! :) Then when I got my own place I was very neat and clean and have continued to be that way even obsessive cleaner now in my mommy years! :)

I put out the plastic tubs, plastic drawers, shelves and so on for my kids in their playroom. They are 4 and 7, everything has it's spot, so when it is time to clean up it makes it very easy for them, nothing gets lost (if it is misplaced it is their issue not mine!:)). It helps the process take like minutes to pick up the toys and books. Once a month I go in and wipe down toys, help straighten up book shelves and so on but for the most part it stays picked up. Our rule is if you get it out, put it back where you got it. Good luck, time to just change what you are doing as it isn't working and like I said, if he is spoiled it isn't his fault. Good age to teach compassion for others, teaching pride in taking care of what we have and consequencs. Sounds like he needs a more serious long going consequence.

Sorry this has taken so long to answer. (I just read all the way thru - sounds like you got this advice about 20 times...) But, read - on my dear...
Way behind on e-mails.
OK... if this were my son, He would have a chore list. It's not a "suggestion" it's this is what you'll do if you're under this roof.
Mostly his job was school and homework - however chores were a part of his life from the age of 2 on.
The chore list at two was about attitude, getting along, and he was given stars for brushing his teeth, combing his hair, getting dressed, being on time for "pre-school" only two hours three days a week at that time. We added on as the years went on. Also a week of a certain amount of stars - got a friend over night, sometimes two. All kinds of rewards, but not real costly - just kid fun.
At two we instilled the two toy rule. The only time more than two toys could be out is if there were friends over and they too could have two toys. They were not done playing until those toys were put away.
Reduce to two toys, and whalla - the room stays pretty clean!
Now, By 6 he had to pick up the towels, wash cloths and put them in the wash, wash them, dry them and fold them and put them away, (sometimes he made his bed in the morning, and sometimes he made it when he came home - but it was made every day. Not a thing was on his floor except dirty clothes. So
at age 7 - it was his job now to do his laundry once a week. If he didn't have clean clothes, it was because he didn't wash them. By week three - he learned what it was like to go to school with pink socks. So that was second grade. It was tough, but not as tough as if it would have been in sixth grade. (It believe me was the only cure for not having to put my hands in his pockets - oh - what boys put in their pockets!)
So, you have a 9 year old. By this time, my son - had games and such to go to. He was in Hockey. All his gear had to be cleaned before he played - so that took some planning ahead. Cleaning after practice and after the game. He had it down. I never had to push him, he pushed himself. He was also in Scouts - and it too helped to raise him to be responsible for himself. We checked his gear, but never had to add a thing - his checklist was "his own".

We went to parenting classes early.
He made his EAGLE rank and all the while, he was doing the car practice "driving" - you see with every step there was responsibility and growth - and he was given a little more freedom, trust, and he's nearly 21. (He's had two speeding tickets - that's it.)
He's now a college kid - just got another deans letter that he again made the list. (Mechanical Engineering UCCS)
So somehow - you have to prepare this child to be responsible for "his life". (He is the president of his own life.) Now, we can let him go - he's a beautiful human being, and lights the room where-ever he goes.

Build a chore list. Give him his responsibilities, if he does this... Then X happens, if he doesn't Y happens.
Explain that you each have responsibilities of the HOUSE. Make it clear what his are.
The Life Coach - (parenting teacher) would have removed everything from his room for three weeks. He would then earn back one or two items depending on his behavior - starting with his bed. So you show your BACKBONE of BEING a PARENT. If you have to lock the stuff in your trunk - take it to a neighbors, whatever - but not where he can find it.
Christmas - go on a trip - have an experience. Take a train ride. Make it long.
If he doesn't care about his stuff - enough to take care of it - it's time to GOOD WILL it or whatever. (I wouldn't take the time to "e-bay" it). Get it gone. (Pawn it - if it's something they might take.)
Good Luck.
I was the mean Mom, but now - it's coming back to me. He's glad he's not a pig, girls respect him, and they are impressed for the most part. The girls that are pigs, don't appeal to him. It's fun to hear him tell me what the girls say now. And, he was an only child. So he didn't have others to blame. (Although, he did blame his cousin/s - once in a while.)
I had a father that would be home from work, when we came home from school. His lists were long. If we rested, he beat us. (When we were walking home from the bus - it was who was going to get beat today?) So, my son had it really easy, compared to me and my siblings.
But, he had dinner on the table when Mom came home from work (she was a teacher). The table was set by us and the dishes were done by us (on a rotating schedule).
Chore lists were a part of our life for as long as I can remember. (Our fun/reward was grading Mom's school papers...) It was much more fun than doing our own school work (but it always had to be done first).
Good Luck.
You'll see how happy he is to have a bed and a pillow - and see the appreciation start to set in - believe me! (Three weeks will be hell. Harder on you than him.)
R E S P E C T ...watch it come. It's so worth it!
I think some of these people must have been in my classes...

I imagine that your son may be totally overwhelmed when told to clean his room. I have a few children that were exactly like that. I couldn't say go clean your room or it would never get done. I'd have to break things down into manageable steps, such as, go gather all your dirty laundry out of your room. Pick up the legos and put them in this container. And so on. We may not understand how that can be too much for his mind to grasp a hold of, but for some kids it will totally shut their mind off and they will be unable to do anything at all towards accomplishing the goal. At least it would be worth a try since nothing else seems to be working for you.

I guess he wins and you lose then huh? Terrible lesson for a kid. Even worse is the failed lesson about Santa and trying to be a good person. Good Luck!

Follow through with most of your threat! Do clean up his room and sack up everything up including TV, computer etc and store it in the garage, basement, friend's house wherever instead of selling it...Leave him the bare mattress with one blanket and nothing else but bare walls in that room. He then has to earn his stuff back one chore for you at a time. Since he does not care to clean his room, he can clean other rooms for you, sweep, toilets, bathtubs, trash etc. Make a chart listing what chore he has to do to earn back which item of his. If you give in now to this kid who has very little respect for you and knows that you don't mean what you say, then you might as well let him redecorate his room since he will be living with you well into his 30's and you will still be working for him. Sorry if that sounded harsh but I bet every one of your friends can come up with the name of an adult male who still lives with his mom, makes a mess of his work life and his finances and has no worries because he knows his mom will rescue him from any consequences of his actions. You don't want to be that mom, make him experience consequences now or he will be laughing in the face of his employer someday and be shocked when he is fired for it. Good luck and stand firm, it will really benefit your stubborn one in the long run!

I only have one kid too. One thing I have been learning is to never make a threat I am not willing to follow through on. It discredits me as a parent and gives her ammunition becuase she can't trust me. That is kind of scary for a kid. I stopped doing the threat to take away and instead we use a reward system. There is the house fairy if he likes makebelieve type stuff-- www.housefairy.org. I got that from my sister.
also we have 2 host boys this year and they have a daily chart of what is expected in their room so not all of it has to be done in one day. I just put it in a sheet protector and hung it in the hall with a dry erase marker. I didn't say if you don't do it then you can't what I have said is, when you get your room chore done you earn 1/2 hour on the computer/TV. I also have purchased little items and when they have been doing well at something (anything) I give them something like last night I gave them a couple of halloween pencils and said I noticed that you have done really well this week at making sure your floor was picked up and you got the window washed in your room. I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate that. I did not talk about the fact the beds weren't made. It's helping. They want to please thier parents. Kids love that positive recognition, well lets be honest we all do. So take it out of the battlefront and turn it into something more of a game. if he gets all his checks on the week then he goes out for ice cream with dad on Saturday or something like that. Ask him what he would like to earn at the end of the week as a priviledge, get him involved in making the plans for his room. Set a timer for 3 minutes and say I just want to see how much you can pick up in 3 minutes then you don't have to do anything else in your room today. I won't bring it up again. They don't realize how quick it can be and how much they get done. Start with one minute maybe. even housework done incorrectly blesses our homes (fly lady) and his room and your peace of mind. changing your reaction will force him to change as well.
I personally don't like threats, I like rewards. I don't work well if I feel like I will lose my job if I don't.......but instead I think If I work harder at this I will get a bonus check, I will get a promotion etc. I think we all respond better to the positives than negatives. Good luck! it can be fun. still frustrating some days I won't lie but I don't feel like I am on a battle ground.

Follow through with your threat! There are a lot of kids out there who won't be visited by Santa this year and they sure would appreciate his toys. Go in while he is in school, take the stuff out and give it away. (Stuff you want to hold on to can go in a box in the basement/attic where he does not have to know you saved it...) Then when he comes home shocked, calmly and without sarcasm explain that you told him what would happen if he did not pick up, and since he seemed to not have a problem with that, you gave his toys to kids that don't have any. He will scream and cry and call you mean and unfair, but do not cave to his drama. Stay cool and collected and explain that you are sad to see him so unhappy and you hope he will make a decision he can live with next time. Be strong, do it! You might be surprised at the long term results. By the way, if you are not familiar with the series, check out Jim Faye's Love and Logic books. Fantastic strategies all about teaching through natural consequences and love. Good Luck!

He might be overwhelmed by the room or he might not care.

If he is overwhelmed, Go in and clean the room together. Don't do it all at once. Break it down into managable portions. When done tell him this is how you expect it to be kept.

As far as the bed goes, my son slept in a sleeping bag until he got married. He had sheets and everything but didn't like it for some reason. We didn't make it an issue. Just wash the sleeping bag instead.

The key is to do it together. Also, get rid of some stuff. If he is not taking care of it give it away because he does not need it and don't replace it! Also, evrything should have a place. So get some storage containers and things.

Some kids are neat freaks and some are pigs. I have both! The interesting thing is that when my son went to college. He was the one who cleaned the bathroom and made sure the room was in order! Go figure.

Good Luck,
C. B

I agree wholeheartedly with the advice to strip his room bare. And when he throws a fit, take the door off too. Then, and only then...start from scratch.

Know what the basic things you want him to do to consider the room 'clean'. Is it new sheets once a week, and toys off the carpet? Define what the bare minimum is for you to be happy and relay the goal so he has an expectation and then he can begin working towards it. Define what failure looks like. If he doesn't do the bare minimums, what the is the consequence?

I do believe kids need their space to develop their personalities and having their room look the same as the rest of the house may be unrealistic, hence defining what is the minimum acceptance level for clean is....at the same time, it can't be a complete pig sty. THere is a happy medium between personal expression and picked-up.

Stay strong. Do it today. GL.

Shut the door, and get out of this power struggle.
Does he do his share around the rest of the house?
Is he a good student? Good kid? Then shut the door.
He has you locked in a power struggle.
I also reccommend that you check out Love and Logic parenting.
You will need to stand your ground on dangerous choices
such as drugs, and he will respect you more if you have not
laid out statements that you are not willing to back up.
Pick your battles, but if you pick it, you must win it.
I also have a child, who I did not have the heart to follow through on some of my threats. That is enabling, and she became a substance abuser.
Not trying to scare you, but a kid who calls your bluff at 9, will be hell on wheels when he's 16.

Magical music. Have his act of kindness be clean his room> Don't knock it till you try it. I use to have hell morning and have a hard time having my kids clean I bought this and it was an answer to my problems. Just type Magical music in web engine and read the page. Who know might work it did for me. If it does not then give it to someone you love.

It looks like I am out numbered but I lived this experience and my daughter is now 21. I too, decided to pick my battles, but only after years of fighting about it. We agreed on a closed door policy. She explained to me that this was her space in the house. EVERYTHING she owned was in this one room. As she got older she got more stuff, I kept the rest of the house clean. Her room was her space. I didn't read journals or snoop. She never gave me reason to not trust her so I trusted her. She was an honor student and really a great kid except for her room. I decided not to worry about it. Now, she is living out of state in her first apartment. I have visited several times and it's so great, her apt is spic and span! She even folds towels just so! I never thought she was paying attention. Never make a threat that you aren't willing to keep. If you decide not to clean up and get rid of stuff tell your son the truth. If he is otherwise well behaved then let it go. Ask for the laundry to be in the hamper on a specific day if he wants clean clothes. Don't do it for him. If he gets the freedom to live like he wants then he needs to have the consequences as well. Can't find a book? Bummer. Giving kids freedom on issues like this makes it easier later when there are bigger issues to deal with. By the way, strong willed kids are less likely to follow peers on bad choices. His strong will should be looked at as a strength. Make it clear that if you back off of this it's because it's not a safety or health issue. Stand your ground on the really important issues. But give your kids some room to learn from their choices.
Good luck! M.
Good luck! M.

I sugest that what you do, is actually take all his toys put them in a garbage bag and put them were he is not allowd and tell him you threw them away. if he continues to say santa wil bring me more, make sure santa does not. we dont do many toys anymore. what we do is books, or craft items or movies or anything that is a little more than a toy. when and only when he earns them he can have his toys back a little at a time. this worked for my nine year old niece, that lives with me. good luck.

Hi K.,
First, I couldn't throw away toys either, so don't make promises or threats that you can't keep. Second, instead of punishments try it from the rewards angle. He starts with nothing but 3 meals a day. That is what he is given. Anything else, and I mean anything, has to be earned. If he wants to play at all he has to earn it, if he wants to watch TV at all he has to earn it. If he wants to read a book or sit and have fun with his Dad, he has to earn it. You decide what he has to do to earn those things and do not give in to anything but your initial limit. Example; his floor has to be picked up if he wants to play with toys, his bed has to be made if he wants to have fun with Dad, his laundry has to be cleaned up if he wants to watch anything on TV. You decide what works for you and your family. But remember that everything but food is a privelage. If you follows the expectations of the household then he can have those privelages. You are right that he knows you will always give in and he has learned exactly how to play you. Consistancy is the key.
As another Mom said, at 9years old a really messy room is overwhelming. He may not have the organizational skills to know where to start. So the initial clean-up may need to be structured by you. Be in there, telling him exactly what to do. Then keeping it that way is up to him.
You have a lot on your plate. Try to remove yourself from this issue for awhile. Set up your expectations and leave it with him. When he complains that he is missing his favorite show just give him empathy, "I'm, so sorry you are missing it. As soon as your chore is done you can watch the rest." All with a smile. You have bigger things to worry about. Don't let him see how bad this is irritating you. When he sees how serious you are it might change his mind.Take care,
B.

We have 6 boys and they all do their share of cleaning and it comes with A LOT of resistance!!! You need to take ALL priveleges away until it is done. We have learned this. If you only take away one thing then they don't care because they have the next thing to turn to. You have to not allow outside priveleges, ANY game system(including computer) or tv until the job is done. Sometimes my boys will take the whole day because they are complaining about not wanting to do the job and THEY waste their whole day of play time. You can take all of his things away and bag them up and keep them put up for a week. Maybe let him earn an item here and there during the week for a good behavior. We have to learn not to make threats we ourselves aren't willing to keep. My husband and his sisters one year were being so bad and smart mouthy that "santa" brought them rocks and sticks in their stockings!! We have never had to do that but we have had our share of taking fun priveleges away. You are just going to have to stand your ground and take ALL priveleges away until the room is clean. His future wife will thank you!!!

So, I guess my advice is, if he called your bluff, you'd better not bluff. My suggestion is to hide all his stuff with a family member or neighbor. I'm guessing two months to wait for Santa to bring him something else will be a REALLY long time (I mean really, two months in kid years is like 3 regular adult years) and he'll miss his toys. Then, as he seems like he can be trusted, give him back a few things at a time.

From my experience with kids, the worst thing you can do is threaten something, then not do it. You loose all credibility for any future punishment. Stick to your guns. Having a clean room is not only important for your home (and your sanity) but its important for him to learn the value of things and taking care of them. Not to mention, do you want his future wife to deal with this in 20 years? ;-)

I soooo enjoyed your post. You're a terrific writer!

Good luck,
J.

Hi, mother of nine here. Absolutely sell his stuff. Save a FEW precious things that you would want to pass down to his children, but hide them away in storage. Otherwise get rid of it all. He is not old enough or mature enough to take care of so much stuff. It is unfair to him and too much extra work for you. Also, being the only child he is likely getting more attention than he would like or that is healthy for his growth. Just get rid of all the stuff, lovingly help him organize the bare room that remains, lay down the law (bed made, etc. every day, deep clean on saturday), explain the consequence if he fails, then FOLLOW through (make sure the punishment is reasonable and something you will do!) Do not be emotional about it at all. Offer a time of day when he will be checked (say bedtime or after breakfast or school or whatever) so he knows when to expect it. You could also save out the best stuff, put it away and wrap it up for Christmas, saves you money. DO NOT replace all the stuff at Christmas or birthday. You will be giving him something of far more value than toys if you stick to your principles. Get him to spend time with his grandpa so you have some time to write! He doesn't need TV, computer and friends all day. Good Luck!

I know it would be hard to sell things that you worked hard to be able to provide for him, but instead of letting him have that power of knowing that you are full of empty threats. I would still clean out his room and just rent a small storage unit and put all of his stuff in there. Cause if you store it at a neighbors house or the garage he might be tempted to "steal" it back to spite you. I would stand your ground and not let him know your weaknesses. ie empty threats. Shock him and let him know that mom and dad were serious. maybe he will change his attitute. I wish you the best of luck!

As far as the "santa" thing... Remind him santa only visits good girls and boys and he's not exactly on the good list at the moment.

so you made the good threat, now follow through on it :) I'd give him a certain number of days to clean his room (2 or 3) and if the room is not clean, Put that stuff in the trash bags and get it out of there! like one of the other moms said, have him earn it back on thing at a time. and Santa doesn't bring presents to kiddo's that don't listen to their parents.. The first time you tell him that you're gonna go with trash bags in there it probably won't faze him because you've made the threat and not followerd through, but the second time, he will not forget it...

Then for an easy way to keep it clean, make sure you allow him (or assign him?) to work on his room 15 minutes a day...

There are some other things too. You could check out flylady.com and theres some stuff there for kids rooms, and possibly a link to the housefairy (i dont' have the extra money to do the housefairy program, but seems like a neat idea!)

Good luck :)

Sell his stuff on ebay, or even better, give to charity. Today.

Maybe, just maybe it shouldn't be a bluff. Bag all of his thing, take them out and put them where he can't find them. Take the hard line and tell him you have had enough. If he uses the Santa ploy again remind him that Santa only visits good boys and girls and he has not qualified. Good luck!

Maybe you can start with the bed. If he won't keep the sheets on the bed it will ruin the mattress quickly. Give him 1 week to take care of his be and if he wont keep the sheets on the mattress you take the bed away. He's a kid and can sleep on the floor just fine. Maybe he will realized you mean business at that point. As far as the Santa thing goes: if he beleives in Santa remind him that Santa only brings toys to good kids and he is not being a good kid with a room so messy and disobeying his parents. If he doesn't believe in Santa let him know he isn't getting any more stuff for Christmas. You can give him presents, just not items that can clutter up his room. This may be way more extreme then you want to go, but it's just a suggestion. The important thing is that the punishment fits the crime.

You may not feel you would follow through with selling his toys, but stick to your guns by actually taking them away. Put them in storage, and tell him he has to earn them and his priveleges back. As for Santa bringing more toys, remind him that Santa only brings presents for the good girls and boys, the others just get coal.
Good Luck, and stick to it, or he might not take you seriously about everything as he gets older.

When I was a kid, my Mom threatened to clean my room and throw my things away. I didn't believe her. Guess what! She DID it! I was horrified! She found notes from friends and my journals and read them. She threw my things away. I never forgot that lesson. I'm telling you this so you understand that following through on tossing Sonny Boy's stuff has GOT to happen.

I understand that it's hard - but letting him see that you won't back up what you say will make your life hell later! When he's 16 and you tell him h e can't use the car for whatever reason, are you going to back down then, too? What lesson does that teach your son?

I have had to do this for my oldest daughter on more than one occasion - and she HATES it. She has also tried to play the Santa card - told her Santa doesn't bring replacements and if you're not doing what your parents tell you why do you think your name will be on the nice list?

As for the sheets - let that slide. My brother couldn't keep sheets on his bed to save his life. I think he was wrestling in his dreams! If the rest of the room is clean, the sheets are where picking your battle turns into "this isn't worth it".

As the saying goes, "Just Do It!" Take his stuff away, sell it, give it away, or whatever. He probably has too much stuff anyway (as do most kids these days). Leave him a change of clothes and pajamas. If you choose not to get rid of some of the stuff, make him earn it back, one piece at a time, by keeping his room clean. As for Santa, I don't think Santa would come to my house if my kids didn't do what they are supposed to do.

One funny thing I do as it gets closer to Christmas is when my kids are misbehaving or not doing their chores, I start singing, "You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry,...Santa Clause is coming to town (or maybe not). He's making a list...gonna find out who's naughty or nice." I just keep singing the song and it lightens the mood and makes me feel a little better. :)

You need to do it. I know you don't think you have the heart but you will lose this battle and many more if you don't follow through. Leave him with his bed, no toys - sell them or donate them - and let him go with you if you have the heart. All while just saying "This is so sad". Keep the books and he can "check" one out at a time.

I creid the first time I did this but my life is sooooo much easier all around for following through. You can do it!

I have 2 boys 11 and 13 with same problem. They do however respond when it means things being thrown away and when all privledges are taken away. Especially, when it is important to them. For my boys it is clean when they want to go fishing, camping, hunting or stay with friends.Stick to your guns. Clean it up and sell it and he will know that you are not 'playin'. Santa doesn't bring anything to little boys and girls who don't do what they are told. Tell him he is on the "naughty list". That works great for my 5 year old girl. Santa needs to be sent a letter or email from you. That makes it even more real and he is more likely to want to be put back on the "good list". Just a thought or two for you. Good luck. M.

Wow. This sounds a little like my situation. :) My nine year old daughter and I went through this just last week. Well, her room is finally clean, so I'll tell you what helped me. I gave her a deadline - your room must be clean by this day. I told her that if her room was clean, she could have a slumber party. If her room was not clean, she would NOT like the consequences - I didn't specify because I wasn't sure what I was gonna do! Well, it came down to the last day and she came home from school and found me in her room. I had spent about 4 hours and her room was about 1/2 clean. She was ecstatic! Until I told her that everything I had removed from her room was gone forever and I wasn't stopping now. She begged me to stop and spent the rest of the evening cleaning. At the end of the day we vacuumed and she was dancing around in her room feeling great! The next day she came home from school and ran straight into her room to clean and organize her shelves. The next day she worked for a few hours cleaning her closet, etc. So, I'm not sure exactly what worked. But I think she just didn't know where to start. Once I put a dent in it, she was able to take it from there. Also, the taste of success was a bigger motivation than threats and punishments.

For my three sons, I just need to tell them small jobs - go find all the dirty laundry in your room and put it in the pile. Go make your bed. Go put your legos in their box, etc. If I don't "direct" them they get distracted and start playing.

Another thing that helps sometimes is to set a timer. I say, we're going to POWER clean for 15 minutes only and you HAVE to stop when it goes off - sorry. LOL. Then they have 15 minutes to take a break. Then the timer goes on again and we SUPER clean. I try to make it fun by blasting energy boosting music during cleaning time and making it a race, etc. Sometimes kids think that cleaning is going to take the rest of their lives. If they see a clock and know it's only a few minutes it's a little easier.

I think what I'm trying to say is - break it down for him. He may feel too overwhelmed to just do it himself. He may not know where to start or think it will take forever. Try to reward an honest effort and don't be afraid to get your hands dirty - he's still learning. :) Good luck!

Now, if anyone has any advice on how to KEEP the room clean once it gets there, I'm all ears. Good luck!

Hi K.,

Wow can I relate. I have a stubborn 11 y.o. boy. However, if you do not stick to your guns, you are bound to lose, and really both you and your son lose, because he will not learn responsibility and will continue to do what he wants, in and out of the house.

My advice to you is to really take all his stuff and get rid of it. Some permanently, some temporarily. Make him earn his stuff back. He will rant and rave, but you will earn his respect, and he will be a better kid for it. Trust me, I've had to resort to extremes like that and it really works.

Also, unless he starts showing respect and responsibility, Santa should bring very much this year. If he says stuff like that, he doesn't deserve more, in my opinion.

Obviously your son is in a control war with you--and winning. Kids always want to feel like they're in control of SOMETHING. I am the posterchild for having "wars" with my oldest daughter over control issues. I finally have come to the following conclusion:

There's a difference between PRINCIPLE and PREFERENCE. Would I prefer her room was clean all the time? Yes. But is there some danger of life or limb in having a dirty room? Not really. On the other hand, when it comes to things like safety, drugs, sex, etc., these are items of principle. There is danger involved, and therefore, NO negotiation. Fortunately for me, my daughter is straight as an arrow when it comes to the "important" stuff, and I don't have to fight her on that. So by giving her some freedom to keep her room however she wants, I am letting her have some control in her life AND alleviating the incessant battles.

This, in a nutshell is that I've decided I'd rather not ruin my relationship with my daughter over a clean room, and risk not having some influence over her on the really important stuff.

So my suggestion for you is this. Tell your son he is welcome to keep his room any way he feels comfortable. BUT--there can be nothing spilling out into the rest of the house (even the hallway), you have to be able to close the door (so you can't see it), you will not be going into his room to help clean or tuck him in at night (for your "safety"), and he does have to help keep the "public" areas of the house clean. You will have the freedom of not having to go to war every day on it, and he gets the control he needs. I would also bet that in time, he will also get sick of his living conditions and decide on his own to clean it up.

Just remember to "pick your battles." If having a messy room is the only problem you have with your son, you are a very lucky mom.

You're going to have to make a decision....either be the parent or not, and let your kid grow up to be a spoiled, sel-entitled jerk, that probably no one will like. I don't mean to use such strong language, but seriously, it's YOUR job as a parent to shape him as a person, and by "putting your guns down in defeat" means that you aren't doing your job. Here's what I would suggest, and it may seem extreme, but obviously you need something extreme to get through to your kid.....when he's at school, pack up his room...EVERYTHING. Books...boom...in the garage, toys, in the garage...EVERYTHING. Even take away any special sheets or bedcovers, and replace them with plain. When he comes home, lay down the law....he may earn things back by doing chores and having a good attitude....and only a LITTLE at a time. As he's getting things back, if he doesn't keep his room clean, they go away again, and you can start this whole process over. As for Christmas, if his attitude hasn't changed, then try this.....Santa doesn't bring him gifts....because the whole point of Santa is that he makes a list and doesn't bring toys to bad kids, and you guys can wrap up some of his old stuff and give it to him so he has something to unwrap. I GUARANTEE that will teach your kid a lesson...mainly that he doesn't control your house...YOU do. It may seem really cold, but you need to be strong now and establish yourself as the parent and boss in this situation, and your son needs to learn that the world doesn't lie down at his feet. Trust me, it will make him a better person and his life will be easier for it. Would you rather teach your kid to be a good person or the world to do it...either way, that lesson is coming for him.

I read most of these responses and would generally agree...I stripped my daughter's room when she was about 8 and she had to earn things back. But, after 15 years in education, I would add the following:
Kids often don't know how to organize and need our help. Take a weekend with your son and REALLY clean the room. Set clear boundaries/rules and have a place for everything (that you and he agree to keep!). Make sure that things are easy and logical to put away. For example, my kids keep their Legos in a large bin with a pull out drawer. Same with mathcbox cars. Baby doll accessories get their own dresser drawer. You get the idea. If the kids don't know how to pickup then we are asking for failure when we tell them to. Then and only then can we ask him to pick up...and then follow through if he doesn't! Good luck.

I have one who is almost the same. He doesn't like to clean his room, even though I have a list of "Chores" for the bedroom. His dad gets it all clean and then in a week or two it's a mess again. I really don't have any advice. I did make him and his brother throw away three old toys for every new toy they got. That helped for a while. I would just be consistant and actually get rid of old toys. It's hard to follow through on the threat of getting rid of toys but whatever works, right? The list of chores or rules for the bedroom were, no toys on bed. blankets on bed only. pick up clothes and put them in hamper. It helped that I gave them each a hamper of their own. pick up all toys- it helps to have a place for everything. Books, and stuffed animals are only allowed on the bed. Hang up back pack and coat on door knob or hangers. I would go through the rules with them each night. I was able to keep the rooms clean for about two months that way. I had a check list and made checks and took away a quarter for every time he failed to check something off the list. Of course, it didn't last and was more work but at least the room was clean.

It may sound hard, but you need to stand your ground. If you are going to take his toys away, then take his toys away. If he doesn't keep his room clean, Santa doesn't give him toys, give him clothes or movies or board games. We have stripped our sons room bare 2 times and now he keeps his room clean. We also have started him on an allowance. His chores: Make his bed every morning, Feed the cats day and night, and pick up his toys every night. He is 4 so when he gets older, he will have more chores to do, but for each time he does a chore and each chore he gets a sticker. Then at the end of the week we tally up the stickers and give him his money. We do an allowance of 5 cents per chore item per day so he could earn 20 cents a day. We plan on slowly beefing that up as he gets older, but right now he is learning 3 important things. Keep his responsibilities or he doesn't get paid, saving his money, and waiting to buy something he wants with his own money. He keeps the items he buys better protected because he knows he earned them himself. Good luck

This may sound wierd however...read this book, Beyond the Yellow Brick Road by Bob Mehan. It's actually a book for parents with kids who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. It is an AWESOME parenting book and I wish I'd read it 20 years ago! I use the concepts all the time! My life has turned into near paradise since we started using those strategies and working on ourselves. I am glad to say that my child has 17 months clean and sober, he'll be 17 in December. Believe me, this book will help you get your 9 year old to clean his room. Best yet, if you really take it to heart you can have a wonderful family life.
God Bless
S.

You need to stick to your guns. Gather all the stuff into garbage bags, and if you can't stand to throw it away or sell it, have a friend/parent/storage hold them for you. Don't hide them in the house as he will go looking for and find them. Make sure you take the computer too.

As for santa bringing more stuff in 2 months. Make sure he doesn't. Write a letter from santa to your son saying that only good boys get gifts and that talking back and not minding your parents does not constitute being good. Make sure family knows not to go overboard with gifts this year.

You are the boss. Remember that!!!

I am not sure what advice I can give but don't make threats you cannot follow-through on otherwise you'll never get anywhere and he'll continue to do what he wants. My son is only four but if I choose to make something a battle I know that if I give in (even if at some point, I don't care anymore) I will ultimately loose control. So, I would make sure that whatever consequence you set, you follow-through. It will be tough but if you are true to what you say, next time he'll believe you and take care of his stuff better.

I know it's harder to say than do.

Good luck

I should say that while my mother and I battled over my messy room and I had to clean it... it was never dirty just messy. Things never changed for me. while I prefer things to be neat and tidy, it's just not my priorty.. even as an adult. I wish I was different but I am not. However, that doesn't mean you should relax your rules even if technically you have a messy kid..

K.,
I know this is difficult, but it sounds like you need to keep up the fight. Even if he is a only child that is no way to behave and he sounds like he needs to learn how to respect his parents. I don't envy you cause even though you love him I'm sure more than life itself he does need to have manners and respect. And even though he's cute and cuddley, until he starts respecting you need to stand firm. Easier said than done. However, for him to laugh and say santa will just bring him more stuff in two months is a good sign of spoiled rotten. You and your husband need to start sticking to your guns big time and remind your son that Santa does not bring anything but a lump of coal to naughty children. Granted he is only 9 now, but this behavior will get worse as he gets older. And as he gets older the defiance will get worse, then picture a 16 year old ( in my case my son is 16, stands 6'2 and weighs approx. 185 all muscle) If yours gets that big he will walk all over you and laugh and say I can do what I want just try and stop me. My son would never do that thank god, but when I tease that I'm going to beat him, he does laugh and say "Ok, Frodo" Thankfully he knows when to quit and respects us or me and my husband would be in big trouble. So stand your ground and if it takes till Christmas you may even have to not let Santa bring him anything except a lump of coal. Then Maybe he will start behaving.
Good Luck
E.

Well there is your problem right there! Have the guts to follow through woman!!
I can't believe it is not more obvious to you.
Do you think as he gets older this will get better?? No way... He knows you have no back bone to do the dirty work, so he can get away with anything.

If you are hear asking for advice then you NEED to go in and pack up all his stuff like you said. You don't need to sell it~ perhaps put it in a neighbors garage or a family members garage, but just make sure it isn't in your house.
THEN when Christmas comes around I would say the only thing under that tree will be clothes. Can't make your point any clearer than that. And I suspect that in the years to come you might have a very different child!

I mean I know this sounds harsh, but what are you trying to raise?? I would hope it would be a thoughtful and respectful little man and instead you are setting him up to be nothing more than a person who finds all the easy ways out in life and plays people like a fiddle.

If and I assume when this phase hits my home my husband and I already know we will be the kind of parents that will pack it all up. But in our case we will make our kid drive to the salvation army and watch all of his things get dropped off...

I think you need to follow through and take his things, put them all into garbage bags, including his sheets, and maybe not throw them away, but put them away somewhere for a week or two, until he sees that having things in his room is a priviledge. I would even take his clothes. Give him a set of clothes outside his room each morning, but he doesn't get to pick what he wears.
Sometimes it takes losing everything to appreciate it.
I have done this with my daughter, and she did a complete 180 and realized how much we give her and how blessed she is. She is a stubborn one too. I hope it helps you!

I hate to say this but you are going to have to act on your "bluff", and Santa will have to not be so generous (You might remind him that Santa brings coal too ;) ). Obviously he is not respecting you or your husband let along his belongings. Once he has nothing to play with maybe he will understand that his inaction has led to this.

Another option is to get boxes and set them outside his room and tell him if it isn't clean by the morning then you are giving the toys away, and really give them away. If you just put them away and pull them back out he will know that you have bluffed the whole time, and I am afraid the cycle would continue.

My mother packed my stuff up when I was a kid, and she never had to ask me twice to clean my room.

I'm sure that many moms have said this, but... he's calling your 'bluff' so I hope you're prepared to follow through. Give him one more warning. Tell him that mom & dad have a good connection with Santa and if you have to get rid of stuff because of his mess Santa WONT bring him all new stuff. He probabl won't believe you, but stick to it. Even in the 2 months till christmas he may realize it's no fun to have nothing.

(note : you may want to hang on to stuff that is really special. stuff that you'll truly regret getting rid of. but put it away where he does't know its there.)

THEN give him chores in the rest of the house too! And add consequences for not doing it!

K.,

I completely understand how difficult this can be. I have 3 (now teenagers) and the big issue when they were smaller was keeping "their" living room clean. They had the downstairs family room pretty much to themselves for a play area (there were actually 4 kids then - I was married and we had his son). However, every so often I just couldn't take it and would tell them to clean. I would give them a time limit to work together and get it done. If they didn't complete it, and they frequently did not, I would become frustrated and end up doing most of it myself. Not a good plan. Then one day, I'd just had it. I told them they had 30 minutes to get the room cleaned and if it wasn't done, they would all be sent upstairs and I would clean it, but it would be done my way and they would lose whatever I saw fit to throw away. They did not clean even a little bit in the half hour, so I sent them upstairs and I "cleaned". There were obvious toys that needed to be thrown out, pieces broken, barbies with no heads (which I kind of liked, hehehe), that sort of thing. I kept no more than 5 toys per child, and the rest went into trash bags and were taken to the youth ranch. And the best part about it was, I didn't feel the least bit guilty about it. It was cleansing for me, as well as the living room. The kids were completely shocked. If your son thinks he'll just recoup his losses at Christmas (and I don't have any idea what your normal gift-giving is like), you can always give him things like movie passes, a new toothbrush and toiletries, or other things that he would not expect as long as you DON'T replace anything you've gotten rid of. And if you do choose to get him some sort of toy or game, restrict it to just one item. There's no reason for you to feel guilty. He needs to learn a lesson and if you follow through he may be shocked enough to pay a little more attention. Oh, I just remembered another thing you can do if you find it too hard to get rid of everything. You can keep just a few of the more important/expensive items, put them in a trash bag and make him believe that it's been given away. Then, at Christmas you can re-wrap those items and give them to him again. Makes shopping much easier, saves money, and if nothing else, you'll have a little something to chuckle about when he tries to guess what he's getting. :) I know it can be a challenge and I hope this helps. Best of luck! (P.S. I don't know that boys every get really good at cleaning their rooms. Mine is almost 16 and it's still a struggle!) I do have to say that I don't worry so much about it now. I tell my kids if they want their rooms to look like a tornado went through, fine, they have to live in it. As long as they do the other chores I ask them to do, I don't bug them too much about their bedrooms. It makes me crazy sometimes, but I'm not sleeping there! :):):)

Hi K.,

First of all let me start by saying that I don't have a 9 year old so I don't know how hard that it is. I have a 4 month old so I am certainly no expert. But I think that you nailed the problem on the head with your statement that he knows that you are just bluffing, that you don't have the heart to go through with your threat. When I was in my early teens I too, was spoiled, and my parents kept trying to get me to clean my room. I did not have any toys but I had lots of clothes. My clothes were always all over my floor, it looked like I had wall to wall carpeting but really I had hard wood floors in my room. I too, thought my parents didn't have the guts to follow through with any kind of punishment, they never had before. Until my Dad told me to clean up my clothes or he was going to donate them to a charity where kids didn't have nice clothes and they would be happy to have them. I did nothing. The next day to my surprise my floor was clean, and no more clothes!!! He really did it! I to this day tell that story because it resignates in my brain, I lost alot of great clothes that day. Never again did I leave clothes laying around (even to thsi day...I'm 37). It was a valuable lesson. In retrospect I gained respect for my father that day. I think you should tell him to clean his room or you'll (do whatever you want) and then if he doesn't then follow through with your threat. It may cause short term turmoil but have long term good effects.

I have 5 boys snd had the same problem. I actually followed through on my threat. The only thing I left in the room was a bed and a dresser. After about two weeks they were making their own beds and keeping the rooms clean. every once in a while they would start backsliding and then just the threat of taking everything away was enough to get them to clean up. I think you are just going to have to get tough or learn to live with a slob for a son. Take everything away and put it somewhere he doesn't have access until he caves and starts following your rules. Good luck!!

Since your son is older, try to limit what you are taking away to exactly what is the issue. So, set a time each week when everyone in the house is cleaning their rooms (maybe dad is doing the lawn and you the kitchen). then say: this s the time for everyone; I can careless if you use it or not; so don't wory, if you don't use this time, I will do it for you. then wait for the...wha does that mean, mom? Oh, that means I get all your toys. So if that doesn't work for a threat, then go into his room when he is at school (so set up the time on sunday evening) and go clean up his room. Make it nice and shiny. don't forget to get a box and anything! on the floor is boxed up. You decide what to donate and what needs to be kept for him to buy back. then the following week, after setting up allowance...you have buy his things back before he gets any cah in his jar. think like bank. At this age, I bet it takes once.

The problem is that he called your bluff. Never threaten your child with a punishment you are not going to follow through on. If is his room is still a pig-sty then bag it all up and sell the good stuff on e-bay or donate it (boys and girls clubs, deseret industries, goodwill). 2 months without toys will be good for him (that's a long time for a 9 year old) and then for christmas get him only a few things. If he complains that he didn't get everything he wanted then explain to him that you think the reason his room was so messy all the time was that he had so much stuff to put away and that was too much for him. Make him earn back having lots of toys. Please don't create a spoiled brat that the rest of society gets to deal with later.

K.,

A trick I learned from taking courses about parenting is to stick with what you say you will do and say it without any negative energy. We tend to go in the direction of most stimulation so what you don't want is to create a lot of drama in regards to negative behavior you want to see less of. Set up rewards and cosequences and then follow through with them without any energy or up-set. You are now in a power struggle about your values vs. the values of your child with his room and you want to change the energy into establishing boundaries that are clear and you can make work anger. Talk to him about it. Tell him you want to work as a team and there are certain boundaries that you expect - how about him? You may try rewards that mean a lot to your child as he follows through with cleaning his room rather than punishments. Speak from your heart and ask him what will motivate him to work with you. Tell him why it is important to you if you haven't already. You may even reward him for small successes at first until a cleaner room becomes a habit. Establish what is truly livable for you as a bottom line and see if you can give up some of your pictures about how clean you want to see his room. It's the old saying pick your battles wisely but be real with yourself. I am not asking you to let go of what's important just make sure you are clear about the bottom line and why for yourself. If rewards don't work then only give consequences you are sure you can count on yourself to follow through with and then just follow through without any charge. It is best if you can create the rewards and consequences together so he feels a part of the equation. Either way stay consistent or you will sabotage all you are working for. You are doing fine. You want to establish a team effort with your child if you can while he is still young so that you don't continue the battle into his teenage years. Good luck and I hope my thoughts may serve you and your beautiful family in some way.

My mom had the same problem with my brother, who was 11 at the time. His room was a mess, his grades were TERRIBLE and he was always yelling at her. Not a happy environment. So she and i talked about it and decided to empty his room. That's right. Empty. She took everything out of it except his desk, his bed and clothing. He had no toys, no books, no comics. Nothin'! As is the case with any discipline, consistency is key. So when you say to him, "I'm going to throw your stuff away" all the time and never do, he knows you are bluffing and just trying to get him to do what you want. I'd say, go get a bunch of boxes and box everything up. If he continues to throw his clothes everywhere, take those too and tell him you will be picking out his clothing until he can show some responsibility. Don't fight with him. He will win if you fight with him, because kids know how to get under our skin! Don't throw his stuff away, just box it up and tape it (label it too, so you can reward him with returning items). That is what I would do. Its a power struggle. End it now. Take charge and stop the fight. That is my advice (sorry this is so long! :D)

edited: haha I didn't realize so many other moms had said the same thing! That made me laugh; it also makes me think that you should listen to all of us and strip his room! haha Good luck! :D

K.,

#1 rule: Never bluff -- When deciding the consequences, be calm and clear and only state something you are 100% willing to back up.

What you have discribe sounds like a game that you are playing with your son. The time has come for the games to be over and look at possible reasons for the behavior.

a. What is his pay-off for having a messy room?
Human nature will do nothing without some sort of payoff.

b. Have you and your husband convinced him that he is indeed such a pig that he is assisting you in being right? If so, Stop this right/wrong game and decide what works for both of you.

Have there been moments in the past that his efforts to create a clean room has been under-appreciated?
If his best effort has been de-valued why should he even try?

c. One of the first signs of depression in youth is an uncaring attitude about themselves and their surroundings.
Is this a possiblity?

Just some suggestions. Please realize that this problem is
a symtom of something that might be huge.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)

So I have used this with my twelve year old, my mother did this when I was young (she is a teacher) but I only had to do it once and it worked. Since you have already given warnings/ taken away priveledges. I would give him two hours to clean it up then the mama bags will come and whatever is still on the floor will go in it and he won't see what is in the bags for three weeks. And you make sure to do this. I usually offer to help get started it is difficult for kids to know where to begin, when it seems out of control. I only had to use the mama bags once but he knew I wasn't joking. If you were to give away his toys without his say, it is invading of what might be meaningful to him (object wise) and won't train him HE must do this. Keep it positive make it fun... half way through you might put cleanup music on... and make sure to say 'wow it is really coming along!'or suggest a garage sale where he could personally profit from the items being given away. so he will associate cleaning with fun. Good luck he sounds like a character!

K., I am pretty much in shock, reading your words...
So sorry, it came down to the WAR !!! :(

if he is 9 and winning the battle, what will happen when he will be 13? This world is a tough place to be in, and if you do not have a TEAM in your castle, how will you be able to help your son to cope with the severe world?

something is very much out of place, this is obvious...
now, before you go on, something what is missing, will need to be fixed, and as I have not been in such a situation, I will not be able to comment on this. My two sons taught me very valuable lessons in their earlier age, and without speculating on what I do not know from my experience,
I can only share my experience, which worked fine with my boys.
maybe, some ideas will help you, but number one, as it seems to me, is that the WAR needs to be dismissed, and a way of COOPERATION to be found, because even if you win this time the war, there will be more battles that you possibly both wish to avoid. So, why not to come to the one side of the barricades, and seek for ways to make PEACE. Then, on the common ground, to find ways for mutual happiness.
He is a smart boy, and he can figure out what is good and of use, you only need to find the motivation, and he will come along. It will be a hard work now, and will need a lot of wise loving monitoring from parents, but the time is not LOST yet, not yet, so, I wish you all the very best success,
and here is what i have to share with you, K.:

As a writer, allow me to share with you one story which is very relevant to the topic:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/niravameen/2874114301/in/set...
this story I wrote and posted under my elder son's portrait, is absolutely true, no fiction added.
[I have more stories under photos on that site - I do ome photography, as you can see :)].

As a mom of two happy young men (25) and (23) now, here are some comments on such issues, including mine under the M. name... hope, something will ring the bell for your situation,
I wish you all the very best:
http://www.mamasource.com/request/12752255403270602753

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I would take a huge outdoor garbage bag (sounds like several) and remove everything from his room except the bare necessities (clothes, bed, pillow, blanket). Explain to him that his failure to be a good steward over his possessions has resulted in losing his opportunity to enjoy such possessions. He can slowly earn them back as he shows a greater desire to take care of his personal things. Kids do not really need all the stuff in their rooms - they just want it.