How Do You Handle Being Around Your In-laws When You Know They Don't like You?

Pretend that they do like you, or that you have no idea that they don't. Smile and be overly friendly. Since you don't have to see MIL very often this shouldn't be too difficult.

Also, take advantage of the situation. You know she loves her granddaughters and her son, and wants to spend time with them. Leave them in her capable hands and take off for the afternoon. Have lunch with a friend, go Christmas shopping.

"How do you handle being around your in-laws when you know they don't like you?"

I take perverse pleasure in it. It's actually somewhat relaxing. For those I actually like, or that I'm *trying* for... I expend a lot of energy. The house is clean. Playdates aren't arranged. I change my schedule to be around. I ask for their preference on x, y, z...

For those that actively don't like me... I just live my life. It's not exactly like pretending they don't exist, but for anyone who was raised with southern or asian hospitality, the "going about your life" thing is a HUGE snub. Because not only are you not being "hostessy" but they're not even worth your anger or irritation. Non-entities. I don't have to be mean (in fact I'm quite friendly), I just am in no way, shape, or form adjust my life to suit them whatsoever. I don't consult them about plans, I just make them, etc.

It's sort of like dogsitting.

((I told you it was perverse pleasure))

Be polite and respectful and thank the LORD you only see them once or twice per year. (I do think your hotel rule is a little over-the-top, though, and of course it "irks" her..it would irk anyone! Someone's gotta be the bigger person--could it be you?)

Why do you care how she is you don't like her either..

Uhhh boy, I feel your pain. Here's some of my tricks: Be very, very busy with things that were "unavoidable" If she wants to hold the baby great! Take some time to get something done around the house that you have been putting off or better yet, tell her you need to step out to run an errand and thank her profusely for watching the kids. Plan some outings where the focus will not be on you. Read up on current events so you'll have something to talk about if it comes to that. Remember it will be over soon. Good Luck!

Just keep reminding yourself that you don't really like her and her opinion of you really does not matter - that will give you some power back. Keep your interaction focused on the kids and just do your thing don't try to make her like you. Keep busy and don't engage in her antics (if she tries to argue, etc...). Good Luck. I have to deal with a SIL that doesn't like me and it used to be very uncomfortable but once I stopped caring that she didn't like me, It got easier to be around her.

Good Luck

Do what I did...........be cordial, but not overly nice.........don't talk to her unless you need too..........and if she is rude or does something she shouldn't, tell her.......in a nice manner.........

They say keep your enemies closer than your friends.........so maybe you can try that too.........what would she do if you were just sugar dripping sweet to her? If you can pull it off, give it a shot..........I did that with a father in law and it worked..........after a bit, we could actually talk and be nice to each other..........

Either way, she is your hubbies Mom, like it or not....and unless he says she goes, she will be around.........just try to get along as best you can........she did raise a great guy that you love dearly......remember that.......so you do have that in common.........

Good luck and take care.

My in-laws like me.....AND I still drink when they come for a visit! HA!

Good question, I know how you feel. I agree with the other responses to stay busy. Also if I can't get away, I just put the same fake a** smile she has on her face and play with my daughter and basically try not to even acknowledge her like she does to me.
I know your frustration and when we have visited them, I vent in my mind or when I go to the bathroom with some very not so nice names! Lol hey it helps.

I am about to me a mother in law, so I wish I had a lot more info on this whole thing. I was married years ago to the father of my children. The mother in law made it clear immediately that I did not belong. The first time we got together I wanted to really impress them, dressed in a new skirt, blazer, nice shirt and found we were meeting them at a country western bar. She stared me down, drooled out a nasal hello and that was it. She hated me ever since. She talked about every woman my husband had grown up with in front of me and how successful they were (this is after I had already graduated college), told my husband I didn't wash my hands after I went to the bathroom, and never talked to me. She talked at me. I tried to please her. You could see my first born didn't like her. I eventually left my husband and got married to another person and his family loves me.

Now, I am about to be a mother in law. It is reverse. I am trying very hard to be liked by my future/daughter in law. Would love some advice on that. I am very careful about how I deal with this, since I remember well what happened to me. Not suggesting you leave your husband, just wishing you well!

Well I'm hoping that your husband knows your true feelings towards your MIL. If not I would suggest you have a big talk with him and tell him how you feel and they they need to respect you, your house and the way you do things. They will be under your roof. They need to keep their comments to themselves and if they aren't going to be any help to you then maybe they need to book a hotel. I, personally have started giving them a schedule when they can show up and when they need to leave for the day. Enough has happened with me and my MIL that she knows best not to mess with his son's wife cause guess what? She's gonna lose! It's in her best interest to have a civilzed relationship or no grandbaby! It's sad but sometimes parents have to take extreme measure so that in-laws or family in general get the message! If I were you, take the opportunity while they are there do get things done. Be respectful but get lost! Run errands, go shopping, go get your hair done, met up with some friends for lunch, go watch a movie. I've been known to do it cause I can't stand being in the same room with my in-laws. You'll come back refreshed and you'll burn hours that you would have spent playing hostess to them. It will be kind of hard though to leave the kids with them if you're not around. I remember fighting those feelings but I would say to myself that I needed the break and not the stress. Good luck with everything and remember "this to shall pass" :)

Who invited MIL to your house?
Herself?
Or are they staying elsewhere with someone else?

I assume, dear Husband... knows after 15 years... that his dear Mother does not like you or even hates you and is not nice to you?
So why pretend when she is around?

I would... do as Riley J. suggested.
But make sure, dear MIL knows... that baby is yours.... and the buck stops with you.... and she has no rank... in your home. She is in your home... and needs to play by your rules... and dear Husband... better be on your team.

all the best,
Susan

Thank your lucky stars that your husband is behind you and not on her side or playing both sides of the fence (as mine does)! I agree with Riley - just go about your life as though she isn't there, with one small exception... schedule a girls night out with your friends, go shopping for a few hours, walk the dog-for a longer amount of time than usual, schedule a haircut, a dentist appointment, etc.... If she comments on how you aren't there or aren't including her tell her you know how badly she wants to see her precious son and grandchildren and you assumed this would be fine with her. I did all of this the last time my in laws came and the time flew by for me! Oh, and also, I "made" grocery store roasted chicken, we ordered Chinese, went out to a local restuarant, etc.... One visit a long time ago my mother in law refused to eat my HOMEMADE chicken soup and HOMEMADE crab quiche. From that point forward I don't go out of my way to cook for them. The one exxception is when my sister and brother in law visit also. They are normal and nice and I cook up a storm for them!

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Harder said than done, but maybe you should give her every reason
to be civil. Sounds reasonable to have them stay elsewhere, making
it a shorter visit. Your husband is the middle man and might feel like
the shock absorber in that relationship. It is a sacrifice but it might be
a gift to him and your children to grin and bear it; as long as safety for
the children is not at stake. Don't give her the power to spoil your
homelife. When I feel attacked and want to remain civil, I have a little
song in my brain "This little heart of mine, I'm gonna let it shine".
I also say to myself "They are completely clueless, poor things".
Be an example of civility. I think you will feel victorious if you can avoid
a confrontation.

Idea: Start her visit by paying her a compliement. There is always something nice to say. She may surprise you and offer one to you,
as well. It should get her attention.

Maybe make an effort to try to get to know her. And repeat it during her stay so she will have evidence that you listened and are interested. She will go away from her visit with lots to think about (her bahavior towards you, hopefully).

Turn on the warmth!!!
I know it sounds impossible, but it really will work.

My MIL likes me (I think) but is a very cool, distant person.

I have to turn on the warmth to thaw her out every time we get together.
It gets easier the more you do it. Just be warm and friendly, as if she were a warm, caring person.

The twelve years of warmth have been a lot more enjoyable than the first 8 years of "what is WRONG with this WOMAN???"
But you will have to take the first step.

i am in a very similar boat but we have 1 girl and they only live 45 minutes away. its awful and its the last thing i ever want to do but i am just civil with them. they typically dont say much to me and personally, after all the mean stuff she has said and done, i prefer it that way

wow, riley's response ROCKS! well, good for you and your dh that you've taught her not to be nasty to you directly. and good for you for being gracious enough to keep a relationship with someone this difficult. there are so many posts on this forum from women who have cut grandparents out of their children's lives, often for less provocation than this.
just remember that this is a short visit, and it's very good psychologically for your children (and your dh for that matter) and for their sakes you can put up with it. it doesn't mean you have to turn yourself inside out to please her. just going about your business without bothering with her much sounds like an excellent way to handle it. it's much easier to smile pleasantly (even if it's fake) when you're busy with the baby, doing dishes, generally bustling around somewhere other than your MIL's direct vicinity.
khairete
S.

I used to call my MIL my Monster in law. She was HORRIBLE; very self centered and disrespectful. When I had my first child, my husband left her in our home for the week while he went out of town (C-section Friday morning, came home from the hospital on Monday morning and he left Tuesday morning) and she did NOTHING the whole week - oh, she did fold 1 load of towels (asked me what I did with the lint!!!!). Never cooked a meal, never HELD her grandchild (don't think she even brought him a gift - she HATED boys - we found out later when she passed away). I barely tolerated her because of her attitude to my son, but I have to say - she never knew it. I treated her like queen sheba - and she expected it. I know that I did everything I could and have no guilt or remorse. It was a lesson to me on trying to see her thru God's eyes. We're ALL His children and He loves us all the same. I tried to view her as a such and it helped....I just had to keep reminding myself of it over and over and over and over............

I'm married for 18 years and have the same scenerio.Thank god they don't come by often,and if they do, I'm friendly, serve them coffee and wait until they leave.I'm glad she can't read my mind.
When they leave, my husband and I feel so icky, because they behave like robots and that makes us feel like robots....
But the good news is, they ALWAYS leave.....I never invite them.......
Try to find some humor, we do.....:)

I used to imagine that when my MIL passed she would spend eternity in my underwear...put a smile on my face even dynamite wouldn't blast off. Use humor and just tolerate her, she doesn't live near you and you don't have to see her that often. All things are bearable if you put your mind to it!

It really doesn't matter if people like you or not as long as they are civil. There are people that we just don't connect with and that is okay. My MIL also was competitive with my husband as she was probably feeling bad that her son needed me more than her - perfectly understandable. So I found ways to complement her so that she knew that I didn't despise her (even though my thoughts sometimes were opposite). I think it's easy to read into situations if you have a preconceived notion. Because she is not allowed to stay at your home, I'm sure she feels like you despise her. No wonder she hasn't come to see the baby. It's hard for people to come to a place where they are not welcome.

Do whatever you can to treat her with the dignity and respect that is due someone who raised your son. After a while, it will get easier. It will mean a lot to your husband. One time I needed to write my MIL a thank you note and I added several paragraphs about how well they raised my husband. I bragged about what a good father he was and that they must have been great role models for him growing up. (I know there were times when they weren't the best parents, but I have had my moments as well, so what.) Ever since that letter, my MIL has been so much warmer to me. I know she still doesn't like some things about me but that is understandable. I grew up in the city, she has only lived in the country. I am in a different generation from her and have different food tastes, but she and I enjoy each other a lot more than those early days. You can bring out a warmer side of a person just by the way you treat them. Haven't you ever asked a checker at the grocery store how their day is going and then see a totally different attitude?

My husband loves the fact that I don't whine and complain about his mom anymore. When I need to vent about something about her, I just call or email one of my friends. I think it really annoyed my husband to hear me go on and on about his mom. He knows what she's like and can't fix her, so it was a helpless feeling when he would have to listen to my rants.

Make sure your kids think you are looking forward to them coming. It's really all about them and their relationship with their grandparents. If you make it more warm and welcoming instead of just tolerant, they will come more often and your husband and kids will benefit. If your MIL says something that irks you, then just assume the best not the worst. You can decide how to take her remarks. E.g. If she says, "Have you changed the furniture around in the living room?" assume she is complimenting your style and not criticizing the fact that it was better before. You can decide to make all of her comments positive or just let them bounce of your back.

My kids never got to have my parents come visit them after they were in school. My parents just aren't the warm grandparent type, so see your in-laws as a blessing to your kids. I had to.

I bring a book. There are many pictures of me at thanksgiving and christmas reading my book. :-)