How Do You Deal with the Problem Friend?

You expect other people's kids to cook and clean when they come over, and wonder why some don't? Really?

Consider that maybe she doesn't know what to do? Give her a finite and specific task and see how she does...

Hey, great idea! I too have a "very large house", 6 bedrooms to be exact! I think I will start inviting 20 teens over every weekend and put them to work cleaning. Brilliant!

You have your kids friends clean your house?
I do not understand this. If my son had a gaggle of buddies over, either I would be fine with it or send them home when I needed to take care of business.

Think about it-- if you had YOUR friends over, would you say "well, this was cool but now I have to clean house. So you can either clean with me or you have to go home"? I mean, who does that?

Instead, you would extend the invitation for the hours you were available. Period. That's just strange in my book. So you've banned one of their friends because she doesn't clean and now you are in a quandry over the other one? You know this is going to affect how your kids' friends perceive them at some point.

You say in your profile you are strict. So am I. But one thing I've learned, even while my son is seven-- friends and guests are just that. They might need a little help tidying up (or not, depending on the state of affairs in my son's room before playtime) but I think I'd rather teach my son that a gracious host just understands that there might be clean up after guests leave. And if you really don't want to clean up after other people, rethink the guest situation.

I don't think this girl is lazy, either. You don't know her from anyone else, you don't know her home situation. Personally, I have elder friends I come over and clean/do housework for/ with from time to time, but I know that is why I'm going over-- to help clean their house. For my more able-bodied friends-- if they expected me to clean, I'd go home. How rude.

ADD: If it's understood that "if you're here, you help", that's fine. But you need to back off on the banning/cutting off friends thing. Assume that the kids that don't clean to your standards don't know how, and ask them to do something that you're not going to be judgy about. Some parents don't teach their kids the same way. So back off the judging.

ORIGINAL: What Elena B said.

When I saw "problem" I was expecting mouthy, disrespectful, aggressive, selfish, gossiping, mean girl, pushy, etc. And it turned out to be "half heartedly swept the floor"???

Seriously, you're judging an otherwise polite, nice girl as a "problem" because she doesn't clean to your standards of equal?

I get that you believe in everyone pitching in, but you need some perspective here on what a "problem" actually is. Be happy your child has NICE FRIENDS.

LOL I'm glad not to be a guest in your home, YIKES!
Picking up toys and messes they made, helping clear the table, sure I get that, but when I invite people over for a meal I don't make them work for it.
Tacky.

You note that some kids' families may have maids, or may be excused from all chores, but still, that doesn't account for the fact that what you're doing (inviting kids over, feeding them, and establishing rules for behavior) might be completely foreign to some kids. This girl might be overwhelmed at what she's experiencing at your house.

When my son was a senior in high school, I routinely prepared and served lunch to a large group of his friends 4 days a week. There were clear rules about clean, decent language and behavior. I didn't hesitate to tell kids what needed to be done (trash cleared away, crumbs swept, table wiped clean, etc). Some kids willingly helped, others didn't do so much but they obeyed my rules and I wasn't going to turn away someone who was obviously trying. Some kids made more effort as they felt more comfortable.

In getting to know the kids, I found out more about the wide variety of backgrounds they came from . One girl's mother belonged to a super strict religion, and the girl was only allowed to invite classmates who were of the same religion to their house. She wasn't allowed to host study groups or kids who were doing a project with her at school, even though they had a lovely home. She was just amazed that I fed such diverse kids without regard for their background or lifestyle, as long as they behaved themselves in my home. She spent her first few weeks of lunches at my home in somewhat awkward amazement. One day she whispered to me that when she was older, she would like to learn to cook and hoped that her kids would be able to have friends over.

Another boy that my son invited was stunningly wealthy. My son was a little worried, because our house was nothing fancy, and once when they were headed to a movie, they briefly stopped by the boy's house. He told me that our main living room tv was actually smaller than the tv in this boy's bathroom! I told my son not to worry and to just invite him and make him welcome. The boy came and I could see that he just observed everything. He seemed nice enough. When he left, he said to my son "dude you're the luckiest kid I ever met." Of course my son protested, apologizing that we didn't have a swimming pool, etc. The boy told my son that he couldn't imagine in a million years his mother cooking a meal for his friends. He said the only thing his mother ever did for food was leave plenty of money on the table every evening, and the boy would order takeout for himself and eat by himself. There was never any food for guests, nor were they allowed. His parents were at their club all the time. The boy came every day for lunch, thanked me politely every time, and never stopped being amazed at the thought of serving guests, even with a small ordinary tv and no pool and nothing fancy, just a welcoming attitude for everyone.

So, you may be making an impression on this girl that you don't quite realize yet. You may be demonstrating a kind of atmosphere in your home that will change her life. I encourage you to continue to welcome her, since she has shown a willingness to be polite and sweet-natured, and she hasn't refused to do a job, she just isn't putting her whole heart into it yet. Maybe she isn't lazy. Maybe she's observing something she's never seen before. Maybe she's never had a chore to do. Maybe she's been yelled at for doing a chore just the tiniest bit wrong. She may not be lazy at all.

If after some time goes by and she's more comfortable, see if she's more willing to pitch in. If you get to know her, you can quietly suggest that she help more to speed things along.

But make sure that your welcoming nature and your good sense of boundaries and polite behavior standards don't get in the way of missing an opportunity to make a difference in a kid's life. Sometimes, rules need to be bent just the tiniest bit, or the restrictions lifted, in the name of making a positive impact. Make sure that the kids know that cleanup is all part of having friends over, and can be enjoyed if done together, and not a dreadful duty. I love that you're having all these kids over. My son is 26 now and several of the kids I fed still message me on Facebook, or email me, asking for recipe suggestions or how to cook something in particular.

I dont know how I feel about this. I don't know if I would like learning that my kids were put to work over at a friends house. If they were over there constantly I would expect them to help clean their mess, but not your house. Helping with dishes and clean up after meals, okay but if they are still there after church you put them to work? If the kids are willing to do it then I guess that is their issue but I don't think I would let mine come over very often. What if the kids just do it because they are scared that if they don't clean for you they won't be welcomed (as you have demonstrated by banning the one girl) I guess if you get your house clean and they continue to do so then be it. You can't make sweet polite girl clean. I'm still kind of stunned by this entire question.

If this is the only issue you are having with her I wouldn't write her off as a "problem" friend. Maybe she doesn't do these kinds of chores at home and really doesn't know what she needs to be doing, or she needs more direction. While I am all for having visiting kids clean up after themselves I usually tell the kids friends "the boys are doing their chores right now, why don't you came back in an hour?" A few have offered to stay and help instead, but they had the option.

Not sure this is a real post.

Kids that come to our home aren't expected to do anything but relax and have fun. Funny thing happens though, they usually clean up after themselves or offer to help without anyone asking. When my oldest uses our guest house her friends always stick around to help her get it looking the way it did when they arrived.

It's up to your daughter to be responsible for putting things right after a gathering. The idea that you assign chores and might yell at a girl because she isn't working hard enough is so mean it's a wonder they even want to be at your house in the first place.

Honestly, I would just make your expectations known, and leave it to the kids to decide who does what. If the other kids don't like picking up her slack, then they can work it out themselves. I wouldn't interfere as long as the house winds up clean.

I really surprised anyone hangs out at your house.
Helping out is one thing - what you've got them doing is something else.
I'm not sure what it is, but it just doesn't sound right to me.
Do you have them cleaning toilets,doing laundry and washing windows, too?
If I've got to cook and clean, I can do plenty of that at my own house.
Why would I go do it somewhere else?
It's not my idea of 'a fun time out'.
You might think this girl is lazy - but I'm thinking this work camp isn't exactly her cup of tea.
I don't think this falls under any definition of 'gracious hospitality' that I've ever heard of.
Our son does plenty of chores at home and helps out in many situations.
I'm not sure I'd want him hanging out at your house and I'm fairly sure he would not want to.

Just WOW. I have had many days and nights with a houseful of children at my home and when they are in my home, they are our GUESTS. I would never be a guest in your home...

The children who hung out here would put things away in the kitchen after baking and what not but Good Lord.... I have never made my guests help me with the cleaning of my house. That is just wrong.

Look at it this way, if you want to be "in the know" with your children and you have the "hangout" house, count your blessings because you DON'T know what is going on in other homes (drinking, smoking, coed nights, etc).

I made sure my daughter's friends knew they were welcome here. If you want to run your children's friends off.... you are going about it the right way. The polite girl probably is shell shocked to be expected to clean someone else's home just because she is there.

If you tried to enforce those rules on my child, my child would be banned from going to your house. My child does chores at my house and when she is elsewhere, she cleans up after herself but she is not a guest at someone else's home in order to clean their house for free.

You are not talking about lazy children... you are having an issue with your rigid rules and expectations. Be careful because you could very well run your own children off.

Yell at her once calling her lazy in front of others and you will more than likely do more damage to the relationship you have with your own daughter. Lighten up woman, it is not the job of a houseguest to clean your house. Good grief.... smh

Your daughter is lucky she has any friends that will come over at all. The more I read this the more troll you become.

If they are the ones making the mess then they should help clean up. No questions asked. However, it sounds like you expect them to clean the house. I would have an issue with that.

This young lady is helping, maybe not to what you want but she is contributing. I also have a problem with you calling her "lazy". No maybe she just doesn't understand what you want her to do. Maybe her parents don't require this of her at home. Get over yourself with the term "lazy". Instead instruct her in her tasks that you want performed.

There is a difference between asking and demanding. You are demanding since you are calling this young lady "lazy". I'm sorry but your post is driving me nuts.

wow!

I am struggling a bit here to understand.

I have seven kids of my own...and the only time *I* had THAT number of children over at the same time was when *WE* were hosting some sort of event or party.

At NO time were our guests 'expected' to do certain things to help. It was nice when offered though.

Even on 'regular' playdates when each kid had a friend over, all I expected was that they cleaned/picked up after themselves.

I am having a difficult time imagining this scenario on a consistent and regular basis.

Sorry...guests in MY home are just that. Any offers for help are usually accepted...NOT expected.

Just my opinion...

I think this is a whole lot of BS. 20 friends equals 20 potential hang outs. I doubt you are the only game in town. I would buy into you are the occasional hang out but all the time, they are drawn to your house, nope!

I have had over a hundred kids in this house, did not tell them they had to clean, did not even ask them to clean. They cleaned up by the way, my daughter asked them to because it was the nice thing to do. Actually for her because she would have had to clean. Because she hosts her friends, not me, I just help her out.

I really do not think this is a real question but if it is what the heck are you teaching your children. That people have to earn an invite? That when they are adults hosting friends mean you invite them over, they must always cook and then clean up after themselves?

When I am over at friends I offer to tidy up, sometimes they yes, sometimes no. My friends do the same. My children the same thing. To teach it like it is an obligation not an offer, ick! I would never be friends with someone like you, I know my kids would never want to hang out at your house.

You're doing fine. Keep expecting this of these kids. Honestly, they probably don't work at home, and they will actually appreciate knowing how to do this once they are out on their own...

As far as this girl is concerned, the problem is that you are not assigning her a job. Instead of letting her sweep the floor, tell her that she is washing dishes. Make sure that no one else does it for her. The ones who are rinsing, drying and putting away the dishes will give her a hard time if she pokes around. That peer pressure will make her either toe the line, or not come over the next time. And either one of these would be fine. If she fusses, take her aside and tell her that she has not been carrying her weight - that everyone else pitches in and helps the way that they are supposed to, except her. And that you have assigned her a job that is making up for that. If she starts helping at the same level as the other girls, you will assign her a different job.

Don't let ANYONE here dissuade you from expecting these kids to help. My goodness - you're the saint here, opening your home for all these kids all the time!!

Good for you! They obviously like coming to your house and no one seems to mind the rules since they keep coming back.

I'd cut this girl some slack. If she is a good kid, you might ask her if she can help you directly with a task she might enjoy more. Just let her know that everyone here enjoys pitching in - you have to do your share or you'll have to find somewhere else to hang out.

Your house, your rules. I think this sounds fabulous!!

I would let all the kids know that after church is your family chore time and they are welcome to come over after that. I would not allow other kids to be there during cleaning time and I would not put them to work. I'd say they are welcome to come over after 2pm (or 3pm or whatever time works best). Have your children's friends come over for the afternoon and send them home before dinnertime.

G.,

I think it's realistic to expect teen guests to clean up AFTER THEMSELVES. They make pizza and piles of dirty dishes? Then they should wipe the counters, wash the dishes or put them in the dishwasher. They take out blankets and pillows and scatter them all over the family room? Then they put the room back the way it was when they arrived at your house. They take a shower at your house? Then they hang up the wet towels or take them to the laundry room.

On the other hand, I do not think it is realistic for you to expect them to do your girls' chores. If the friends WANT to help your girls to get the chores done quicker so they can go do what they want to do, that doesn't seem unreasonable. HOWEVER, when you say that you EXPECT them to help your girls do chores after church, that is expecting too much. You might not be making them scrub toilets, but why would they want to do chores at your house?

Some people aren't very comfortable jumping in and cleaning other people's houses without lots of direction. I'd be worried that I'm not doing things the way they want and I'd expect proper instruction..especially as a kid. If you or your children give her specific direction and show her what to use and even show her, maybe she will feel more comfortable. I can't imagine my children's friends feeling comfortable cleaning the kitchen and knowing what rags, sprays and other general procedures we have in place.

I would really focus on the fact that she is sweet and polite. The fact that your kids have sweet and polite friends is a blessing.

Your daughter is making excuses for her friend because she is afraid you will ban this sweet and nice girl from your house like you did to that other friend.

Please lower your cleaning expectations of guests in your home. And absolutely don't ever yell at a guest in your home over their sweeping skills.

Make a list of jobs that need to be done and let the kids cross them off as they are accomplished. After she sweeps then you simply say, "Thank you Suzy for sweeping. I really appreciate everyone pitching in after a fun dinner in my home. Now please take this washcloth and wipe off the counter then we can get back to playing."

Sometimes it is all in your approach.

Such an unusual custom in your cultural group or neighborhood, I hardly know how to respond. If kids are your guests, they are your guests. Period. I completely agree that they should help prepare their own snacks and clean up after themselves in the kitchen (set table, put dishes in dishwasher, start it, wipe counter tops, etc.). They should pick up after themselves in the public areas (put away board games, put away the DVDs, hang up their jackets, etc.) But they should not be picking up after your family and cleaning up the messes you all made all week. That's hardly hospitality.

If your kids have chores on Sundays, then before they invite anyone over, they need to make it clear that they are unavailable from 1-3 PM or whatever it is, and they will see their friends later. If you or your kids invite them for lunch, then the invitation is from 11-1, and then it's time to go home so your kids can do chores.

Your daughter's friend who is half-hearted about sweeping may be unclear on how to do things to your very high expectations, or she may think you're kidding about expecting house guests to do the housework. This girl is not lazy - she is a guest in your home who is confused about the social dynamic of being unpaid labor. She may have a maid at home, or she may not. It's not necessarily a question of feeling entitled - this just may not be one of her chores and she may simply not know how. The others were doing dishes and maybe she didn't feel as assertive or competent to do those things. Maybe she is resentful of being put to work to tidy up your home. I know YOU don't view it as doing the housekeeping, but it sounds like many people do. You're not talking about the kids cleaning up - you're saying that your kids have chores and any friends have to help out, so this is beyond the mess that the visitors themselves have made.

Or, you can just accept that the kids themselves can handle this without you policing it. If everyone else is cleaning up and one kid isn't carrying her weight, let the peer pressure handle it. Constantly policing your children's friends isn't helping the situation - your daughter is trying to tell you that by making excuses. If the kids don't want this girl around, they'll stop inviting her or they will nudge her themselves.

I loved that our house was a hang out for my son's friends - I expected them to clean up their own area (there is a TV area and pool table in the basement). I didn't organize the clean up - I just let my son know that I wanted all the food put away and the dishes brought up, and he got the guys to help out. There was a whole train of boys bringing up dishes while my son manned the sink and directed that a few things get put in the dishwasher. If a kid asked me what to do with the leftovers, I either said I'd handle it or I gave him a roll of plastic wrap or some plastic containers. But I certainly didn't expect guests in my home to do things to my standards if it wasn't completely intuitive or if anyone seemed confused or clueless. If I had to do a few things, I considered it my role as the adult hostess and I was pleased to do just a little so they'd feel comfortable and want to come back. I was happier having them in my home than having them hanging out in a home I wasn't familiar with, and I considered it a compliment that they kept coming back.

If this doesn't work for you, then I'd stop the Sunday gatherings and have your kids invite their friends after their chores are done, or go to other kids' homes where you won't be so annoyed.

"Look, Cookie, if you're going to come over, hang out, and enjoy the pizza and fun, you have to pitch in with real effort. It's just the way we do it here. 'Many hands make light work.' That means the harder everyone helps, the easier it will be....and we'll have have more time for fun."

I would say it in front of everyone. You don't have to be cruel, just honest. Because then she'll have the pressure of the rest, who ARE helping, to propel her. She's not going to want to be the odd one out, and the other kids aren't going to sit by and say nothing while she's half-assing her part.

Also, consider that she might not know how. You might have to take her under your wing and teach her.

I don't think it's odd at all that the kids are put to work with some project or another when they come over. Since you have so many visiting, it's clear that they enjoy it. Children NEED guidance and direction. They seek out consistency and adult discipleship. It's a gift that you are giving them and I commend you. They'll have plenty of homes to visit where they are treated as guests and expected to do nothing. That's fine that your house is not that way. :-) I had a neighbor like you when I was a little girl. A very fascinating lady. She never treated me like an inept child, and always let me help her with whatever she was doing. Since my own mother left me on my own quite often, I spent a lot of time with her. I loved her. Maureen. What a sweet memory.

ETA: I do agree with Momma W. The fact that she is sweet and polite should not be overlooked. Be sure that she understands that your advice and guidance is given in love. "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." (Proverbs 27:6)

ETA2: When the kids are over all the time they aren't really guests anymore. They're extended family. We have a "Borrowed Son" from down the block who is over all the time to hang out with our boys. He loves to build, paint, mow, trim and clean right alongside our boys.

Unless they specifically threw garbage on purpose all over the floor I do not recall ever asking anyone to clean up when they came over. Same as when I have guests for dinner. If they want to help so be it. I don't even clean sometimes when they are over I'd rather enjoy my guests. Scrubbing and wiping can wait -people are more important.

Obviously you are doing something right that all these kids want to hang out at your home. I think that's great. Nothing wrong with having them pitch in, because it looks like they like being there & don't mind helping (especially if you are feeding all of them!). Wow! As far as them being guests, if they are there every weekend then in my opinion they are more like family. Even when I am a guest in someone's home I help with cleaning up afterwards.

All she needs is a little extra instruction or a different job that she is better at. We all have chores that aren't our favorites. Keep up the good work. Those kids are learning how important it is to do their fair share. Which nowadays doesn't happen that often.

Blessings!

If you have that many kids at your house it is only fair that they help clean up. That being said you have to realize that your idea of clean may not be their families idea of clean. Maybe that was the first time she swept a floor. Her sweeping is not your sweeping. She may need instruction. If she is not doing it right give her another chore and assign sweeping to another kid. I wouldn't ban her for not doing it right. As long as she is helping that should be enough.

When I have "guests" at my home, I do not require them to "earn their keep" so to speak. I do have my own daughter help, and if the friends pitch in, that's fine, but if they don't....so be it.

If I'm not willing to have guests over and the work that comes with it, I don't offer.
It sounds like your house is the "hang out' for most the kids, it sounds like you might need to curb the number of events you are hosting to make it more manageable

There is nothing wrong w teens helping out since you are providing a hang out for them. Maybe since she is "newer", you need to hold her hand a bit more. Give her guidance; "sally I would like you to dry the dishes", "sally I want you to wash the table, make sure to do a good job please".

If I were the mom of the "lazy" girl and you called me about this, I would simply tell you to clean your own house and then tell my daughter not to go to your house on Sunday afternoons. sounds like you're getting free maid service. Like some of the other posters, asking them to make their own food and clean up their own mess is right and appropriate, however, expecting them to help your own children with their chores is a bit over the top. You either don't allow them over during "chore time" or you allow them to sit and wait for your daughters to finish. If they choose to pitch in, well good for them. But shame on you for expecting it.

I also wonder, with 20 kids there, what exactly are they doing? Only one can wash the dishes, one to dry and put away, one to clear the table and counter, one to wipe them down, one to sweep. What the heck are the other 15 kids doing if not your daughters' chores? I'd be hard pressed to put 20 kids to work at the same time if they aren't washing windows or scrubbing toilets. Are they doing your laundry? Dusting your furniture? Sorry, not their home; not their job.

I'd just casually keep pointing out things she could do. "Susy, looks like the stove top needs to be wiped down." Give her a sponge. Or "Susy, looks like some dishes are ready to be dried." Give her a towel. Try that a couple of times and see if she gets it. If she's polite and sweet, she might not be lazy vs clueless. If after several times of you giving her specific jobs to do, she either doesn't do them or never just starts helping voluntarily, then have your daughter talk to her or ban her. Or see if your daughter and her friends care. If everything is getting done and they don't care she's not pulling her weight, it's really their issue, not yours.

ETA: this is your first post so I'm a little skeptical this is real but I think people are overreacting a bit to your requirement kids help. With the meals if this is real and you are constantly feeding all these kids, seems fair. With the other cleaning, I agree with many posters it's odd and I certainly wouldn't do it but I think people are missing that these kids don't HAVE to be at your house if they don't like it. If they do keep coming, they must not mind so it's really irrelevant to your question. I do agree though that this girl certainly is not a problem friend. Someday you'll likely encounter a real problem friend...

I think some kids just don't know how to clean or are simply not good at it (I have one of them;)

I guess you could show her how to do it or since she is not yours just lower your expectations.

I totally get having kids who made a mess clean it up. I get having a bunch of kids there and saying (in advance, please, so they know the score, which does reduce complaints later): "OK, A, B and C, you help me make the pizzas. After we eat, then X, Y and Z, you'll clean up. That's the deal and everyone pitching in gets it all done quickly!" That's all reasonable, especially for kids who are willingly eating what's being made, or for kids who have pulled out a bunch of games and should put them back, or kids who tramped in a ton of snow or mud and can take a few seconds to wipe it up when you ask them nicely.

But according to your post, your own kids have an appointed, fixed weekly time Sundays when your kids do their chores. I read this as your saying that on those Sunday afternoons you are not talking about guest kids cleaning up things that your kids and these guest kids just cooked or ate or did. I read it as your expecting these kids to help your own children do your own children's weekly chores that do not involve the guests own' messes made while in your house. Am I reading that right? That's how it came across when your referred to the Sunday after-church chores -- that these are your own household's needs, not "chores" of cleanup after visitors.

You say at the very end that you aren't making them scrub toilets, but you refer to cooking and cleaning up after cooking. Yet earlier you refer to "if they have chosen to still be here (at Sunday chore time) they are expected to help my girls out." That sounds nothing at all like expecting kids to clean up after themselves politely. Which is it?

If there are kids around and it's your own children's regular chore time: Send the visiting kids home so your kids can get on with their own schedule. I would set a rule that Sunday afternoons are for family chores, and not for having guests around.

Even if the one girl you mention was indeed cleaning up after herself and not doing your kids' chores: You say the one girl is sweet and polite yet you seem to be watching her intently to ensure she meets your personal standards of cleaning. I think the priorities are askew there. Did anyone ask her if she would rather wash dishes or do something else? She might be more enthusiastic at another chore. But if the chore in question isn't related to a mess she helped make or food she ate -- that might have made her less than enthusiastic.

She sounds sheltered and unaware. Either teach her how you want the work done or allow her to continue...so teach her. Show her what she's missing on the floor or what ever task she accepts. She sounds lovely and I'd bet she just has no idea how to even hold a broom or mop.

so the "friend" helps but she takes her sweet time with it, and she waits until you have a house full of actual friends , before she decides to slack off..time for some tough love..walk over to this "friend" , show her the broom , ask her, do you know what this is..its a BROOM!!...ooohh. she will turn four shades of red and then head for the door..let her. she is isnt misunderstood..she is LAZY..let her be someone elses problem, not yours, not your kids K. h

I think you could say something in a friendly tone (with a smile on your face) such as "Lisa, it looks like sweeping the floor isn't your thing. Everyone has a job when they are here, here are some things you could do instead of the floor if you prefer" And say a few things like wipe the counter, put away dishes, etc.

In this way, you are calling her out and showing that you notice she's not really helping, but not in a mean way. And you are also giving her control over how she contributes which might help her attitude. The key though is to say it with a smile on your face, because that will come through in your tone.

I think what you're doing is perfectly logical. I would even say that it brings the kids closer together knowing that you see them as part of the family enough to ask them to help out just as if they're family.

The 'barely going through the motions' friend needs a swift kick in the rear. Perhaps a talk with the parents? Or a stern/loving private conversation with just the girl? She'll probably tell your kids, "oh your mom doesn't like me". But whatever. When and if she grows up, she'll realize the reality of the situation.

I've seen plenty of girls like this around my little sister. They just use her and let her do all the work--whatever it may be. It would be good to show your kids that they are not to be treated as doormats.

Good Luck!