How Do You Deal with Bullies in Play Group?

18 mo is young to "deal" with such situations. I know with my 16mo old and 3 yr old, I try to teach them in the moment, sometimes using the nuaghty kids at the park as an example. I have also said things to kids at the park that are not being nice to my children, especially if it is not safe. Parents that tell their children to push back are terrible examples to their children. Good luck! My own children try this behavior between the 2 of them. I try to intervene when injury will occur and talk them through it when it is really heated. My oldest tries really hard to give the younger one another toy so she can have the one she wants.

I have a situation with that too. I watch another toddler and he is ALWAYS taking toys from my son. I sit and watch and get so frustrated because he just follows him from toy to toy and tries to take it. Sometimes I intervene and sometimes I don't. I try not to think of my little man as a pushover but more of someone who is just laid back and doesn't get into battles over one toy when there are so many. This helps me feels better knowing that I have the relaxed kid and not the uptight one that needs to get in everyones space and take their toys ;)(although I know ALL toddlers take toys at some point).

The one technique I use (instead of the sharing concept b/c they are too young) is the wait concept. I tell the "taker" to wait. Then when my son puts the item down and walks away I say okay your turn. I think this is more concrete then, "you need to share." It is sort of the first lesson in the bigger concept of sharing. The boy is understanding the concept and he usually looks at me for assurance of when he can take the toy.

S.-

Kids at this age are a bit too young to understand sharing. YOu and the other moms should encourage sharing and taking turns by actively intervening. Your son does not need to be pushier. In the end he will be ahead of the game because he knows that just because he wants something that he cannot take it away while someone else is using it. It's like the old addage says, You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Cooperation and getting along will help children throughout their lives. Stay peaceful.

M.

This is so hard- my son deals with this same issue- although sometimes he is "the bully" and sometimes he is "the pushover"- it really depends on who he is playing with. With his cousins, they take their toys and walk around with them never sharing, and when he wants to take a turn they cry and scream. Because our time with our cousins is usually long weekends when we visit, I have gotten involved by saying to the kids- you are not getting hurt, he wants a turn. In our dealings with other kids, it is always interesting- some parents tell their kids to give others a turn, always giving into my son when he is blatently trying to take a toy away.

I don't know the answer and enjoy reading the other responses to your question. I just think we are trying to raise well-behaved, well-adjusted children and it is hard to know the right answers. Sometimes I think, if I let the kids solve it then they all learn, but at a certain point that is not possible.

Hi S.,

I don't know if I have much advice for you on this, but my son went through the very same thing. Children would take toys away from him, and he cried, and then when he got a bit older, when other children took toys away from him, he would just walk away and find another toy. At the time, we were worried he would be a "pushover" and he would be taken advantage of his whole life. But I never told him to "push back" or "fight", because I don't think that is the right message to send to children. We taught him to use his words to ask for the toy back, and if that didn't work to ask an adult for help.

Well, now he's seven years old, outgoing, and very driven and assertive. He plays in team and individual sports, and he does very well in school. And no one takes away his toys! So all I can say is follow your heart and gut, comfort your little man when he needs it, and he will be okay!

Good luck!
J.

As the mother of one of the more aggressive 18 month olds, I am sympathetic to your little guy. My daughter is very independent and is often the one to take toys and say "No, mine!" I work very hard on encouraging her to share, redirecting her, and teaching her not to hit. But, all we can do is encourage & teach them to act appropriately as much as possible. Your son will step up... just keep doing what you are doing!

And... I don't think an 18 month old should be considered or called a "bully". I think if you label children early on, they might grow into their "title". Just something to consider.

Don't worry too much about it now as far as building his confidence. It will come. At play groups, just try to maybe separate/guard your son with toys just for him. The other kids aren't necessarily being "bullies" if they are a little older than him...they are just older and don't necessarily realize your son is younger. Soon enough roles will change for your son as he gets older and you'll be trying to teach him to share with younger ones. I think with the older kids they often just don't think before they do...they see something they want and go for it regardless of where it is (like who's hands it is in). My 3 year old needs reminders to help out his little brother and the other little ones we are around. He often does well with it, but he still needs reminders sometimes of course because of his age. My 18 month old needs help with being able to play with a toy before it's swiped from him from other kids quite a bit too. It's all developmentally normal. I too don't agree with telling your son to push back. The kids being different ages are at different stages developmentally. That's all. And the little bit older kids developmentally take advantage of the "it's like stealing candy from a baby". Their too young to really empathize, so we have to train them to play fair and well. It takes a long time, but we just have to help them to learn how to play well with their friends by continually guiding them. For now, I would just try to guard your son a bit so he can have FUN at the play groups and it can be a pleasant thing to be around other kids. Hope this maybe helps a bit.

Please don't tell him to push back. As someone who deals with elementary school kids all day, I will tell you that it is very hard to un-teach that strategy to the kids and it leads to a lot of problems when that is their solution here at school. I agree with other that have said that it is developmentally normal to not understand sharing, etc. at this point. I definitely like the role-playing idea. All you can really do is make sure your child is taught to be respectful and hope that other parents are doing the same! good luck.

I saw something on this subject on "Surviving Motherhood" and a psychologist recommended role playing with your son at home. You be the bully and tell ask your son, "okay, now what do you do when I take a toy from you". Teach him to use his big boy words and get the toy back.