My 2 Yr Old Son

I Laura, I think what you can do to help your son is talking to him and practicing words that he can say to child who take his toy. So you pretend to take his toy and teach him to asking nicely for it back like "please can I have the toy back, I was not done" this should give him a rehearsed line to help him and he will build up on it as time goes on. Once you work with him with those words, try not to interfer only if it gets physical, let him handle it. He might not be doing it because he has someone to help him. If someone takes his toy and he looks to you, call his name and tell him to ask nicely but try not to do it for him with time, he should learn to "fight" for himself. Good luck to you guys.

Is your son in daycare or any "school"? Perhaps when he does, he will grow "up" in these aspects. Perhaps also, enrolling him in some extracurricular recreational type classes or play-groups, may be beneficial and help him with his social skills and learning how to speak up for himself, and learn socials rules of conduct etc. Maybe it's just a phase he is going through...but engaging him in other activities/classes may help? You can also "coach" him on how to be more independent. Well, you will get a lot of nice responses here I"m sure. Thankfullly though, your son is a gentle soul, and not a "bully." Good luck⁄
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Dear Laura,

You need to go to the library and find a good book on two year olds. It will quiet your fears somewhat and help you understand what these guys 'are thinking' or 'are learning'.

Also study a chapter or two on young children's play - at first they play alone, then side by side without enteracting, then they play cooperatively - but between all of those stages and the more stages to come - they try to learn what to do and what not to do and what the outside society will allow them to do.

Once I saw my beloved 2 1/2 year old gr grand daughter come along side a child who was only slightly younger than she was. She just took the doll buggy away from him and said "I need that!" She whisked it away and he went on his way . I didn't mess with them, but I was quite shocked to see her so haughty and unkind to a friend.

I think that is an illustration about how this age person can be. They just don't know what is right or wrong. Probably your son has started to catch on within your own household that there are societal rules - but he doesn't understand how to handle bullies. If a toy is in dispute, then just take it away from both, is a good plan and doesn't cause warfare between mommies. The kids don't need to be told what happened right then, just take them both by the hand and find something else for them to do. They will get the picture sooner or later, and your son will feel supported and secure.

I used to have a German Shepherd dog named Tony when I was a little girl. My mother told me that Tony would not let me go into the street, he would just get close to me and sort of bump me back into the yard. That is what I mean about your handling the children right now, at their age.

Actually, I think that you son is far ahead of the other one. He is already showing that he has a brain working up there and that brain knows that something wrong happened, he just doesn't know how to handle it. You can bump him into the safer situation for a while and he will catch on right away, I bet you $10., and that is the highest bet that I ever make.

C. N.

my 3 year old is the same way. my mom, his grandma, says he'll grow into his own soon enough and won't get "pushed around" anymore. he's shy in public but not at home, and aggressive (or normal i should say) at home and not in public. my mom, whom gives me lots of advice, also says it's part of his personality. he'll never be outgoing, but soon enough he'll learn to "speak up" for himself. it'll just come later for him vs other kids that are naturally outgoing and don't have this problem.

I worked with 2 year olds. It seems to me that he doesn't have alot of social skills. He depends on mommy all the time. as small as he is he needs to learn to faight he's own battles. Talk to him on his level tell him that what the other boy did is not nice. something like(I had the toy first please give it back). If the other child dosent comply that's when you need to interfere. before you take him outside talk to him tell him that you will be there if he needs you but if the other boy takes something from him he needs to tell the boy (I had the toy first please give it back, when I am playing with it you can use it) it will be helpful if you had your son in a group play at least few days out of the week so that he can learn social skills with around other children. I hope this works.

Hi Laura,

I think it is tough to teach assertiveness to a 2 year old. I think if your son isn't in a preschool setting, maybe it is time to put him in a small setting that you trust and believe will be supportive of your son. Children tend to be different when they are away from their parents and I think it gives them a great opportunity to learn to socialize and work on being assertive. For now, he relies on mom to rescue him and for comfort when these situations arise. Good luck!

Hi, First of all, you should be proud that your son is so well-mannered! What fantastic news that your toddler can share and is charming and lovely. But it is also just a development phase issue that he doesn't defend himself. It is something he han't discovered yet. Next year you will be writing about how your son bullies all the other kids and you can't take him anywhere. I found that when it is one particular other child who is around a lot who steals/pushes/bites my daughter, it is very appropriate to step in and speak gently to the other child. You do know the parents in this case and can answer for yourself if they get offended. You only have to say to the other child they shouldn't do that and it will help your child to see you do it. Also, since it is the nextdoor neighbor, you should try to get him to apologize to your son. I guess you can't really avoid them for any length of time to let your son forget about it. I had a girlfriend whose somewhat older daughter terrorized my crawler and I really had to stop hanging out with them for 6 months until my daughter got faster on her feet. I think you do have to step in sometimes. Some kids out there are monsters, in public playgrounds in big cities. Once I had to get a friend of mine to scare 3 boys away who stole my daughter's ball and were taunting her. It was heartwrenching. But my daughter went from being a pushover, to slapping everyone in the face, to being a well-adjusted pleasant young lady and she'll be 4 in 2 weeks. He's only 2. He'll be the one stealing balls before you know it. And my secret weapon was to buy 2 of everything! You know, if it's cheap, like balls and tiaras and stuff from the 99c store. :-)

This sounds like a situation where some coaching plus some back-up would be helpful. It sounds like both little guys are just beginning to understand the "script" for interactive play. It's natural that one little guy would just grab what he wants to play with, even if it upsets his playmate,simply because toddlers don't really have a clear sense that other people exist (except as sources to meet their needs). So, maybe you could set up another playtime where both boys could play under your direct supervision. When the grabbing occurs, you could get right down to both boys' eye level and let the grabber know, "Sorry, sweetie, it's not OK to take (your child's name)'s toy while he's playing with it. Here's a (truck, shovel, car, whatever) for you. Now you can give ( ) back the (whatever the stolen toy was)." When he protests, you can model some empathy, "Yes. It is a cool (thing) and it's hard to give it back, but you'll get a turn soon. Here's a (something else in trade)" If your child sees that he's not totally fending for himself, he'll feel safer. After being his advocate a few times, you can encourage him to use his words (if he has a few at this time) to ask for his toy back or offer another one in trade. The reality is that at this stage, toddlers need quite a bit of mom back-up to negotiate play time with other children of their own age. Some kids are just tempermentally "scrappier" than others, more able to hold onto that prized whatchamacallit or fight back when challenged. Others just aren't, but both kinds of kids can benefit from a very hands-on teaching approach to playtime: reminding of the rules, modelling, simple instructions, and an underlying security that comes from knowing that Mom or another adult will help protect them from being victimized (even if the only victimization is having their dump truck pulled out of their hands). Good luck. Toddler play dates are challenging, but soon they will be enjoying each other's company with less need for intervention.

The behavior your son is exhibiting has nothing to do with not being able to stick up for himself - it has everything to do with the fact that, at 2, your child who is still very much a baby and just becomming aware of what it means to be social.
Before the age of 2, children engage in something called parallel play where they do not actually play with other children (either their own age or older) but engage in their own activities beside them without really interacting deeply. Now that he is 2, the desire to play WITH other children is there - but if the only other child he has played with is that two year old next door who is aggressive (and probably goes to daycare where he has to "fight" for play with each and every toy) of COURSE he will have some apprehension when it comes to interaction. Children who have regularly attended daycare throughout their young lives act very differently when playing than children with stay at home mommies do - he will encounter this with many of his young friends, but right now, you cannot expect him to understand why he should not be afraid to play with an aggressive child that takes his toys. Tell him that its okay for him not to want to play with this other little boy, and that not all kids are like that - do not force him to interact with this child if he doesnt want to. He is too young to understand the concept of what it means to stand up for himself - dont worry, this is not a sign that he will be shy or an indicator of what his personality may be - unfortunately for him, one of his first interactions with a child his own age has been a little traumatic.
Talk to him about it - but don't make him play with that little boy if he doesnt want to. Take him to the park, and make playdates with other children so that he can experience the fact that many children are very fun and nice to play with (I took my daughter to play at gymboree to experience other children in a more controlled setting) - you cannot expect him to be able to stand up for himself yet, he is still far too little. YOU have to show him by example - if a child takes a toy away from him, let him see and hear you tell the other child that we share our toys, and we do not take them away from each other and then give him back the toy. He will begin to understand soon enough, but as mommy, you have to make sure he is comfortable and handle these situations FOR him so that he has an apprpriate example of how to handle things in the future.