How Do You Deal with a Miscarriage?

K.,

I had two miscarriages after the birth of my first daughter. I was 4 months pregnant with the first miscarriage and 2 months with the second. My daughter is now 26 and my other two children are 21 and 19. I had to deal with my first miscarriage myself. My husband was leaving the next day to join the military. My daughter was 2 at the time this happened. I did not mourn my baby's loss for years later. My husband was so lost with the miscarriage and having to leave me and our daughter. I had to take care of my little girl to worry about my miscarriage and with the move to another state. I also did not let any of our family members know I was pregnant - military rules would not allow 2 children at the time my husband enlisted. When I lost my third baby it was really hard. I do believe what did help though was my daughter and taking care of her. My huband again was so lost - it effected him too! I had no family around when I lost my baby this time and I also did not say anything to them about the miscarriage. Actually to this day my Mom has no idea I ever lost any babies. I did a lot of praying, crying and I know in my heart I will see my babies in heaven. We each have to find a way to cope with the loss, just don't shut your husband out from your pain, he is hurting too he may not say it so much with words. Your daughter is your delight! I am sorry this happened K..

S.

I'm sorry, but i can't tell you how it feels to have a miscarriage. But i could tell you that letting your daughter stay at your mom's house doesn't make you a bad mom. Sometimes you need a little time away.

It's hard! I lost my first one. You mourn and you never forget them. Always you think, "The baby would be born about now," or "Now he would be five." You face it like you have to face grief of any kind. Expect to go through the stages of grief. If you have a pastor, or access to a counselor, don't hesitate to go for help, if you need it. I believe babies have an eternal soul, even before they are born. You didn't have a "lump of tissue" -- you had a child you will see someday if you are ready to meet God when you die. That part is important! Feel free to contact me offlist if you are concerned about how you stand with the Lord and would like to know for sure you are going to Heaven.

A verse that helped me was Prov. 13:12, "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick, but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life." It was so true! I was sick with disappointment, but when I did have children I had four in a row. Other moms around me complained about the work and sleepless nights -- but my kids were a tree of life. I never forgot how precious they were and they were a continual source of joy. The one I lost taught me that important lesson.

Feel free to contact me if I can help in any way.
S. B.

First off, let me just say how sorry I am for your loss. I had two miscarriages within 4 months between my first and second child. Both were in the 12 week range, both with no heartbeat. I took it really hard, because I couldn't understand how I could have a normal pregnancy with a healthy baby, but then two miscarraiges. I got through it and soon after I had a beautiful, healthy baby and another one two years later. Since I had all three girls, I sometimes wonder if my husband's and my chemistry just could not make baby boys (or my body just couldn't hold onto them for some reason). Of course there is no scientific base for this, just a theory. I do have one piece of advice that I wished I had done myself. When we had the miscarriages, I kind of kept to myself and never talked with my husband much about it. Later he told me how he was so worried when I had my two D&C's and how he felt all alone because everyone was so concerned about me. I just felt awful that I didn't think about what he was going through until after the fact. Just try to focus now on taking care of yourself and your family. Time really is on your side. It's ok to be ok at times and it's also ok to have emmotional moments. Please know that you WILL get through this. I hope this helps in some small way.

One more thing, and I don't know if this helps or not, but when I had my second miscarraige, a friend (who also had a miscarriage) had read in a religious book that when there is a problem with the physical body of a baby, the spirit returns to God and waits until you are pregnant again and then returns. It is definitely something I thought a lot about since I got pregnant a couple of times so quickly.