My daughter has a friend who is constantly trying to one-up her, even if it means lying. It started when they were 2 and 3 years old. The friend is 6 months younger than my daughter but used to tell everyone that she was the older one. When my daughter would tell somone she was 3, this girl would announce, "Well, I'm 4." My daughter even thought she was the younger one of the two.
This has gone on throughout their whole friendship. What ever my daughter likes, her friend does not. If my daughter wears pink to school (used to be the friends' favorite color) the friend will announce pink is now her least favorite. If my daughter likes a show on TV, the friend will say, "You actually like that??" Even though I know that the friend watches it more than my daughter does.
Also she always is trying to measure them against each other. She insists she's taller than my daughter even though she's about an inch shorter. She insists she weighs less (why does this even come up??) even though she is 10 pounds heavier (the friend's mom has been told by the Dr that her daughter has a high BMI and needs to lose a few pounds). My daughter usually ends up believing it, tellling me that her friend is taller and thinner than she is (I ask how do you know? And she says, "cause she told me."). I ask too how it comes up and she says that her friend will run over to her out of the blue and make her stand back to back, frequently. Also they were making a pyramid in camp the other day and were trying to put the biggest kids on the bottom and she told everyone my daughter's weight is 80 pounds and when my daughter turned to her and said, "You're 80 pounds too." (she's actually 90, according to her mom) she said, "No, I'm not even close to 80. More like 70." Now because of her my daughter thinks she's fat and has never worried about it before, but now says she needs to lose her "fatness."
She also will say that she hates any kind of clothing store that my daughter likes, "You actually shop at . . . ??" Even though I know for a fact that 90% of her clothing comes from that store (and it's a popular clothing store, not even a discount chain or anything typical to make fun of). She will say "the iPhone is stupid," knowing that's the kind of phone I have, etc, etc, etc. . .
First of all, can anyone identify what kind of psychological thing is going on here? This honestly has been going on as long as they could speak. What personality trait can develop that young and stick with a child for so long?
The option of not being friends with her is not really an option. I've explored that possibility before, but this girl and her mom are so entrenched in ALL of our other friendships and activities that they are going to be with each other no matter what. Thankfully this girl is not in my daughter's class this coming year, so that will help. But I need a good comeback for my daughter to use whenever she is a faced with these competitive, often un-true statements. We have tried disputing with her like saying, "isn't what you're wearing from that store?" But have found that the friend will lie to cover up, "NO WAY!" and my daughter backs off and doesn't get into a pointless dispute. I mentioned it to her mom in the past, but her mom doesn't see it or hear it (it's always done out of her earshot) so she doesn't correct it or even thinks it really happens. I brought up the store thing around the girls birthday by saying, "I was thinking of getting your daughter a gift card to (such and such) but she says she hates that store, so I went with another idea instead." Her mom said, "No, she doesn't hate it." And that was the end of the conversation. When they were younger and the daughter would tell everyone that she was the older one, my friend would just say it was because she was confused, she never saw it as a competitive, lying thing. (but even at 3 years old she was comparing their belly sizes and used to compare ME to her mother. . ."my mom is skinnier than yours." -- Ok, that one may be slightly true. :-) but what 3 year old notices or cares about that??)
Out of all of it, the weight thing bothers me the most because no matter what I tell my daughter, "You're perfect just the way you are, just continue to eat healthy and stay active, etc, etc, etc, it all falls on deaf ears because she has been told that she's fatter than her friend.
Any suggestions?
* I want to add too after seeing a few responses an answer to a good question. . .How do other girls see her? Actually she used to drive many kids crazy and she was talked about as being the "nosy" girl. She would constantly be checking out everyone else's scores on their tests, papers and report cards. THIS her mom did see and after much talking to her about it, she stopped doing it to the other kids. She still does it to my daughter though and I always have seen it as "you hurt the ones you are closest too." She is an only child and often I see her behavior similiar to how sisters would treat each other. She does (now that she is less nosy) have a ton of friends who can be sassy right back to her and it ends up keeping her from tormenting them. This is why I'd like my daughter to get more confident with her comebacks, because honestly I think it will stop happening. And like I said it really isn't an option to de-friend her because ALL my daughters friends are in the same social circle.
Thanks for such good suggestions! It has been a really bad day with the friend. I wrote this question this morning and this is what happened with this friend the rest of the day:
Today was the last day of drama camp and their final performance. This "friend" was constantly whispering to my daughter duirng the play where she should be standing, that she had a line coming up, when she needed to move, sit, stand, whatever. All things that my daughter knew (my daughter has been doing drama and plays and has had the lead several times for the last 5 years, her friend just started drama a year ago). And then the time for the pyramid came and it was ridiculous! My daughter was one of the smallest and was UNDER her friend (this is the pyramid orchastrated by her friend who insists she's lighter). Then after swimming lessons this afternoon (I told you - entrenched!) she proceded to sit on her under water so she couldn't breathe, scratch her till her arm bled and shun her from a game. I was furious because I saw these things and spoke to the friend but the mom didn't move a muscle and when I came back to the area with the moms they were all talking about high maintenance, over-sensitive girls. I said my daughter's arm was covered with scratches and this girls mom's response was, "they were all scratching each other."
The rest of this group of girls is sweet and caring and are all good friends to my daughter. My daughter does have other groups of friends, but this group is the main group that hangs around together at school. They all go to the same birthday parties, sleepovers, beach days, etc. To remove ourselves from this one girl would be to remove us from her ENTIRE school circle. And like I said, MOST of them are wonderful.
But the good thing is, today was the last day of drama and swimming and we have nothing coming up on the calendar that involves this child. So we are officially steering clear. There will certainly be no playdates or sleepovers for them 1:1 and if we happen to run into them in a group we'll be polite. I know the pattern though. We'll take some time apart. They'll hang out at a group function and things will seem great then after a few playdates she'll start in again. . .just have to stand firm and steer clear.
More Answers
L.A.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
I would keep reinfocing your DAUGHTER's beilefs. You can look at this as a way to learn that other people's opinions aren't important and to be true to yourself.
Keep reminding her "do you think <whatever her friend made up>?" "does her saying it make it so?" "what is the real truth?" Help her to be confident in her own wisdom.
Perhaps this girl has a confidence issue and is trying to feel more secure at the expense of those she is close to. Whatever the reason, I would let her comments go. They aren't true, aren't healthy and aren't kind, so why focus on them?
You could try agreeing with her and perhaps that will let the topics die off.
she: "My mom is skinnier than yours."
your daughter: "Yep."
she: " I don't like pink."
your daughter: "cool."
she: "I'm taller"
your daughter: "mmmmm"
and then go on to the next subject. Done and over with.
Why fight a losing battle? It's not benefiting anyone. Decide the friend is wrong lots of times, but you choose to love her anyway with all her faults. Choose to focus on knowing the REAL truth and go on with your life.
So sorry that she's a putzy friend, but being forced to learn how to deal with it well can be a real benefit. Good luck!
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J.W.
answers from
Boston
on
Or you could have your daughter answer her friend with what was my favorite word when I was a kid and one my parents hated - 'So?" Lol!
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C.W.
answers from
Austin
on
Just tell your daughter to come back with positive statements... "You shop at THAT store?" ~yep! I love my cute pants! "Im skinnier than you" ~Im happy with my weight "Im taller" ~good for you. Eventually the wind will be sucked right out of her sails. She probably has self-esteem issues, and has to point out why she is "better" than the other person... if the other person (your daughter) acts unfazed, eventually she should get over it. Just be sure to let your daughter know that she is beautiful, no matter what her friend (or anyone else) says. :)
As for her her having self esteem issues because of her weight... go online with her and find a weight range calculator... give her proof that she doesn't have anything to worry about. (when I was younger I though I was fat... found a calculator and found out I was actually underweight! never had any issues with my weight since... except for postpartum. lol)
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B.C.
answers from
Norfolk
on
I'm not sure a comeback is the is right way to go. It means your daughter will just be playing along with the game. Although they might be present at a lot of the same functions, it might be better to cultivate other friendships and allow this friend to go by the way side a bit. You can't tell if the problem is the friend or her mother (probably a bit of both). The constant one-up-man-ship doesn't sound sound like the basis for a lasting friendship. Their insecurities should not be your or your daughters problem. At what point does this friend start putting down your daughter to start building herself up (sounds like this has started already)? It's a bully situation that could be brewing.
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C.M.
answers from
Detroit
on
That friendship i very toxic for a grown person so i am out done that it is happening at your daughters age. If the friendship continues your child will grow up as seeing that as normal when that competative, downgrading to the extent when the friend will lie is very abnormal. My suggestion would be to talk to the mom and make her see what is going on from your point of view. I am not sure how breaking ties is not an option when it concerns your baby girl because this friendship might cause her to become insecure for no reason at all. You have to do what is best for you and your baby girl and sometimes that may offend someone and if they value the friendship they will respect your boundaries and cutting ties as much as you can maybe a way for them to understand but playing along with the friend is not the thing to do because then you will be enabling her behavior
Good luck
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S.M.
answers from
Kansas City
on
Yuck...I couldn't get all the way through this. REALLY? You need to tell your daughter that this girl is gross and that they shouldn't be friends. There's no way friendship should be that much work.
So you and the mother talk. Have you talked with her about her daughters obvious emotional problems and lack of self esteem? I hate being around people that have to put others down and build themselves up to make themselves feel better.
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L.T.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
I think the first thing I would do to tackle the weight issue is to remind my daughter of the things her friend has said that she knows for a fact isn't true - who is taller, who is older, where she shops, etc. Those things are indisputable. Tell her that the weight thing falls into the category of things that aren't true.
I would also role play some scenarios with her to give her an arsenal of choices she can rely on. For example, help her practice saying, "No, I am not going to stand back to back so you can measure our heights. I don't need to compare myself to you. You are the perfect height for you and I am the perfect height for me." Or, "What you are saying isn't true. This conversation is over." She doesn't need to say anything sassy, just enough to get her message across - that she isn't playing into these games. Practice will help her to be more confident and less likely to be caught off guard when her friend approaches her.
I'm curious what other kids think about these behaviors. Do they believe the friend or do they know her as you do?
Does her mom have any of these tendencies? I wonder if she does a lot of comparisons and/or one-upping at home? That could be one source of the behavior.
Best wishes to you and your daughter.
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P.G.
answers from
Dallas
on
My first thought is that just because they have to be "around" each other, doesn't mean they have to be friends or even friendly. Polite, yes, but friendly, no. I don't know if the kid is nuts, but I can't believe she only acts this way with your daughter. Her mother is in denial about her behavior. I think some people are just jerks, and perhaps she is one of them. I don't think you have to be mean about the girl, but be blunt and honest about what true friendship is, what jealousy is, everything that this girl does that is hurtful. If your daughter has a TRUE best friend, compare thier behaviour. This girl is just an acquaintance in your life. She doesn't have to be more. Good luck!
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P.W.
answers from
Dallas
on
Well this is obviously a jealous little girl, and honestly, it seems to bother you more than your daughter. (It would bother me too!) But I would pretty much leave it alone. In the next 3-4 years they will begin to branch out. Then your daughter may have the opportunity to realize she doesn't have to be this girls friend.
I know you don't want to de-friend, but you can distance yourself a bit. Get your daughter into activities away from this girl. Even one activity not related to this social group could make a huge difference. Your daughter has grown up with and gages herself by this group. It could be a huge confidence builder to be involved in something away from them. Sports, singing in church, music lesson, drama or art class........private......away from this group.
Maybe have a talk with your daughter and tell her to think for herself. It's okay if she doesn't agree with this girl, but if she is uncomfortable with confrontation........or confrontation doesn't really work.......then how about teaching her to laugh it off (while knowing the truth). I think it is a great lesson to teach someone to be self confident enough not to have to make sure people know you are right, as long as you know in your heart that your thoughts are valid.
Only other thought would be to create a sort of mantra like, "Why does it make you feel good to try to be better than me?"
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J.C.
answers from
Sacramento
on
Mom,
If this were my child being treated so poorly by "her friend" I would seriously limit the time your daughter spends with this child going forward, no matter what , even if they are in the same social circle. I would not have exposed my daughter to this mean girl for so long, even if they have known each others for years. Sit down for some girl talk and explain to your daughter that this girl must feel badly inside about herself so to make her feel better she puts other people down. Explain to your daughter this is called "poor self esteem" so she understands the reason this girl is doing this. If the girl calls to get together with your daughter going forward, I would have your daughter tell the girl she has plans and getting together won't work. If her mother calls you and wants plan something for the girls I would tell Mom you think for a while it is best that your girl have a break from playing. Explain that you have observed her daughter seems to be constantly be putting your daughter down and belittling her and it is upsetting to you. I would be honest and maybe that Mom will get the hint and address the problem. If you say it is bothering you than your daughter won't have to take all of the heat from the other girl, she can blame it on Mom (which is good sometimes). Encourage your daughter to have true friends over to play and do things with, it will make her life much better and happier. We all have met a few people in our lives, sadly even as adults, who are this way and why expose yourself or your child to this type of person if you dont have to. You are a great Mom for helping your daughter address this tough issue. Good luck
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C.M.
answers from
St. Louis
on
What about:
"I'm sorry you don't like this shirt but I do!"
"That's okay if you don't like this color because you aren't wearing it!"
"Just because we are friends doesn't mean we have to like/agree on everything."
Or when she blatantly lies, how about something like "Oh, yah, and I'm King Kong (or Princess Diana)."
I've always loved this one "What does that have to do with the price of tea in china?" to which the girl may reply "What does that have to do with what we're talking about?" to which your daughter can reply "Nothing, which is exactly what this conversation amounts to."
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C.D.
answers from
Rochester
on
wow thats just crazy! its obvious that the girl is jealous. maybe at 3 she wasnt, but at 10 there is definatly jealousy. your daughter is older skinnier, and looks better in the brand of clothing they wear. of coarse the girl will be jealous. and to make herself feel better about herself, shes putting your daughter down. shes a bullying friend. i understand you said that be-friending the girl isnt an option but i would definatly give it a shot. if the mother isnt doing anything then it isnt going to stop and your daughter will grow up insecure about herself.
if be-friending her turns out to really not be an option, then id say to tell your daughter to prove her wrong. if the girl says "you actually wear that?" your daughter could say "yeah so what? you do too, let me see your tag" if she doesnt pull out the tag, shes obviously caught. if the girl brings up the weight thing again, break out that scale and weigh them both!! granted "weight" could very.. one girl could have a flatter stomach but weigh more because the weight could be somewhere else. legs, butt, breasts, ect. same with height, "im taller." "really? i didnt think so...lets go see" measure them up!
im not really exactly sure what else to say, my daughter is only 5 months old, but i was looking at it as if it were my daughter getting "bullied". the way im seeing it, i call it "bullying" thats not a friend. she needs to stand her ground, and not be walked all over. i got walked all over when i was her age and i got put down too and now i am insecure about myself alot. when me and my fiance go out i get really uncomfortable around other girls because i think they are 43985 times better than me in every way. you dont want your daughter to be like that because of this jealous "friend" of hers. i hope this helped! and i wish your daughter luck...
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D.F.
answers from
Boston
on
I am with Jeanne W. on this. Leaving her with nothing to say is the best way.
" So, LOl "
"And....... what"
" why do you care so much "
" Your a little to close, back off "
" What are you five, knock it off "
" What ever"
She is not a friend, she is a jealous little girl with self esteem problems. Taking it out on your daughter. Your daughter really should handle this herself. Make sure you tell your daughter how wonderful, smart she is all the time. Maybe this other little girl does not get the attention she needs at home. But your daughter just needs to put her in her place.
Good luck!
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K.I.
answers from
Spokane
on
I like the responses so far..
the role playing would be a good idea...I hear a lot of "so what, I do" and "whatever" and "who cares" and "oh, your so wrong" in your future! Help your daughter practice these lines...you can say these things without being or sounding snotty or rude. Another good one would be "good thing we are all not the same and like all the same things...that would be so lame, or boring"
I can only imagine how painful it is to watch your lovely daughter get walked on like this...teach her the tools to stand up for herself!
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L.N.
answers from
New York
on
smile and say:
oh grow up. (this can be used as a response for a million things)
but clothes? seriously, that's an easy one.
you said: isn't that (piece of clothing) from (let's say justice)
her response: no way?
really? let me look at the tag
she will back of if it's from justice.
if it's not from justice, your daughter can say something like:
oh yikes you like THIS store?
i understand not being able to back off friendship, but your daughter needs to learn not to allow someone get her way with anything.
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A.D.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
You can tell your daughter that there is a difference between a real friend that you invite out and into your home, someone you choose to spend time with vs. someone you just happen to be in school with, a few activities with, and have a few mutual friends. Then you empower your daughter to invite nicer girlfriends over for playdates, sleepovers, and out to swim, movies, etc. You can invite friends one at a time, which works out best at this age anyway, and this rude girl won't be so obviously slighted. I would have to think the other Moms have noticed the way this girl treats her peers and would be delighted to have their girls spend more time with your daughter away from whatever activities they all share together. I feel bad for your daughter, not having permission or support to defriend this person because I had a few frenemies like this at this age, and I just remember feeling trapped and helpless, a place I hope my 10 year old never has to be. Make sure she really truly loves those activites. If she isn't happy, give her permission to end them and seek out a few new activities. It never hurts to make some new connections outside your inner circle, in fact, it can be like a breath of fresh air when your daughter needs it most. It's not like you have to call that Mom and daughter and say, "guess what, we aren't going to be friends with you any more." You just stop inviting them out and over and become "busy" when they call you. Eventually, they will get busy with other friends and maybe, hopefully get the hint. I do have a 3 word comeback for your daughter whenever the girl says something insensitive, "that's not nice" Your daughter can be cordial towards the girl (never wise to make an enemy or stoop to her level) and just know inside herself what kind of person makes a true friend. Good luck!
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M.A.
answers from
Orlando
on
I like the answer that Liz A gave. I would take it a step further & role play with your daughter, with you pretending to be your daughter & your daughter pretending to be the friend.
