How Do I Help My Four-year-old Understand What "Tattling" Is?

I've been through this with my daughter too when she was in Pre-k. It is a thing they all go through that is for sure. And I hear her 1st grade teacher telling them all the time about not being a tattale. But yet when my daughter comes home from school and her shirt is torn or her tassel pulled off her hat and I ask her what happened she tells me so and so pulled my shirt at recess or so and so pulled my hat off and broke it......I then ask her if she told her teacher (who I feel doesn't get any respect from her students no does she pay close enough attention to what is going on with her kids) and she says no. I ask her why and she says she doesn't want to be a tattle tale!! But yet it pisses my off that my kid comes home with her clothes tore up cause other students can't keep their hands to themselves!! I've brought this to her teacher’s attention and she says that they encourage the kids to work it out amongst themselves. I told her the next time one of the kids touches my daughter I'll get a phone call from the school. She asked me why, I told her cause my daughter is going to work it out by smacking the next kid's hand that touches her! I've always taught my daughter that if someone does something mean to her to ask the properly (saying please and what not) to not do that. If they do it again to ask them again not to and if it happens a 3rd time to go to the teacher, parent, me, some grown up in the area and let them know. Kids will be kids but I will always instill in my kids that they can come to me about anything and everything even if they think they will get in trouble. We will work it out together.

S.

M.,

you know, I've never really understood the "tattling" issue, either! It has always bothered me to hear parents/teacher to tell children to stop tattling.....I'm not sure what constitutes tattling, so I know my kids don't know what is tattling and what is not....plus, it seems that we're shushing our children a lot when they come to complain, like, "I don't want to hear it", or "Go back outside and play", or "work it out amongst your friends"...or things of the like....then, as our children grow older, into the middle school years, they stop talking to their parents, and won't discuss important issues, like school problems, issues with peer pressure with drinking, smoking, drugs, sex....A similar issue happened to one of my friends from my hometown, when her 10 year old didn't want to tell that the neighbor was asking to touch her "private parts"....once her mother found out, she questioned the daughter about why she never told her. The daughter stated that she felt like she would "be a tattletale if she told" !!

I think we need to encourage our children to communicate with us as much as possible....I have and never will tell my 3 kids to stop being tattletales...I cringe when I hear other parents use that word...

what about telling kids to always come to mom/dad or responsible adult to discuss all issues...and when a minor issue comes up such as "Mom, she hit me!!!" take the opportunity to discuss ways for your child to deal with the issue/problem in a healthy manner....then the kids will remember that they are always welcome to talk to their parents about anything and will learn coping skills, which will limit their need to always come to "tattle"......and as always, use lots of praise, stickers...etc when your child handles a social problem in a healthy manner and didn't need Mom's help!!!

Tattling is normal at this age. I tell my son, now six, that if someone is hurting him in some way, whether it's physical (hitting, pushing,etc), or if it's emotional (teasing, name calling), then you should definitely tell someone about it. However, the difference between telling and tattling is that tattling is mostly done to get the other person in trouble. If someone is being hurt, it should always be addressed, don't force your child to "suck it up". It's just wrong to let one child hurt another. But be clear that if one child says the other child did something, and it seems really minor, like a fight over a toy, then you can let your child know that they need to work it out together, and that tattling is not nice. Now is a good time to focus on giving your girls the skills they need to work out their problems with each other and with their friends, skills they will use for the rest of their lives. Good luck!

M. P...THE YOUNGEST HITS THE OLDEST WELL YOU TELL THE OLDEST ONE THAT THE YOUNGEST ONE IS STILL SOME WHAT A BABY AND DOESNT YET KNOW ALL THAT THE OLDEST KNOWS AND IF THE YOUNDEST HITS YOU ITS NOT THAT SHE REALLY KNOWS WHAT SHE IS DOING OR THE YOUNGEST IS DOING WHAT THE OLDEST IS DOING TO THE YOUNGEST ONE,SOOOOOOOOO WE HAVE TO LET THEM KNOW THAT HITING IS NOT GOOD AND WE NEED TO TELL ON PEOPLE THAT HIT ON US,OR TELL IF SOMEONE IS REALY HURTING YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW BUT YOU JUST HAVE TO LET THE OLDEST CHILD TO KNOW THAT THE YOUNGER ONE IS STILL A BABY AND THEY DONT KNOW AS MUCH AS YOU DO AND YOU HAVE TO TELL THE OLDEST ONE TO TELL THE YOUNGEST WHEN THEY HIT THE OLDEST SAY WE SHOULDNT HIT THAT IS NOT NICE,OR TELL THE OLDEST THAT IF YOU HIT THEN THEY WILL HIT YOU SO DONT HIT .IT IS A GOOD THING TO TELL AND IF THE YOUNG ONE HITS OR TELLS ON THE OLDER ONE THE OLDER ONE HAS TO KNOW HAY YOU ARE THE BIG SISTER OR BROTHER HERE AND YOU HAVE TO HELP TEACH AND SHOW THEM THAT ITS NOT NICE TO HIT AND TELLING ON SOMEONE IS GOOD WHEN SOMEONE IS REALLY HURT OR IN A BAD WAY BUT IF YOU KEEP ON HITTING AND TELLING ON EACH OTHER YOU BOTH WILL BE IN TROUBLE TAKE SOMETHING AWAY FROM THEM OR DONT LET THEM DO SOMETHING THEY LIKE DOING OR JUST MAKE THEM TELL EACH OTHER THEY ARE SORRY FOR HUTTING EACH OTHER , LET THEM KNOW THAT HURTING SOMEONE IS NOT NICE AND TELLING ON SOMEONE WELL YOU NEED TO TEACH YOUR CHILD TO TELL ON PEOPLE IF IT HURTS. SOMETMES WE JUST HAVE TO SAY NOTHING... AND SEE WHAT THEY DO OR HOW FAR THEY GO WITH IT, AND THEY WILL STOP OR GET HURT BUT WHEN IT IS ALL OVER AND DONE THEN YOU MOM SAY WELL WHY DID YOU HIT YOUR ------- NOW LETS TELL YOUR SISTER WE ARE SORRY FOR .....J. N

In our house, there is telling to get someone in trouble and telling to keep them safe.

Kids at 4 understand when they are telling to get a sibling in trouble which is really tattling and when they are telling (Mom, sissy is playing with the drano) to keep a sibling safe.

This is just a stage it will pass. I am going threw it also with my 6 yr old.. When my 2yr old pushes him or touches him in anyway its MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY I sometimes want to change my name to Daddy.lol.. but yeah I heard that it will pass.. so goodluck and be calm. It will be over in about 11 more years....

Well, I guess the best way to explain it is to tell her to tell you if it's something that could hurt somebody. If it's something that she could get away from or if it's not a danger, then tell her that she can handle it herself and walk away.

My son went through this when he started pre-school.We sat him down and explained that people do things that aren't right, but if it doesn't hurt anyone, then we try to overlook it. We also told him that if he was scared of the other person or what they were doing, then it was ok to tell the authority person.
When he was at home and arguing with his sister, she would reach over and slap at him. Then he would cry"Mom, Erin hit me!" I literally told him that he could get over it, unless he had a knot or was bleeding.I know that sounds harsh, but he is 6 years old now, and we don't have a problem anymore.
I really believe that you have to temper it to your child. Good luck with your situation.