How Do I Handle This Situation?

Im with Barbilee on this one! I think that is excellent advice. It is all about taking back control!

In the long run she will like that youve told her no along the way. I have a mother inlaw that tried to buy my sons love and it didnt work sooner or later kids figure it out, i was divorced so she wouldnt listen ans to not to buy him everthing and anything we wanted or even talked about, but the funny thing is even though we didnt have much at the time he still wanted to be with me they know the difference between love and caring and being bought. Your daughter will learn that soon. Youve been teaching her right from wrong, love and family so you will see her start making right choices. Have faith youve done things the right way they cant have everything they want.

Good luck with your mothe inlaw, if you can talk to her do but i know somtimes thats just not poss.

D. from fresno calif.

Just be upfront, tell her that is not what you want for if. Explain, to her and grandma, that she does not need to get everything she wants. But I would let grandma know that she needs to ask you first. It is very tricky, I understand. But you do what YOU believe is best for your daughter. Personally, I hope you are strong about this as all moms should be, because children should not grow up thinking that they should get or deserve everything that they want. That is not how the world works and it teaches your kids many bad values.

Good luck!

Ahh, the MIL dis-empowerment dynamic...This can be a very challenging situation where you build up resentments toward everyone - daughter for being so bossy/spoiled; MIL for butting in; husband for allowing this dynamic to exist; and self for uncertainty about setting the limits and then ultimately not having a say in the situation.

The first step is to talk calmly with your husband to strengthen your unity on this situation. This will help to ensure that there are no loop holes and that he understands your frustrations. You can come up with a game plan for how to deal with this should a situation of interference arise. This may result in his (or you) having a direct talk with your MIL. ("we appreciate your generosity and would love for you to help her learn how to build her patience")

Secondly, please know that your daughter will need some gentle guidance on how to make requests. Most children do not feel comfortable without some containment and parameters. Help her learn how to ask for things that have a win-win result - that is, she gets her needs met and you feel good about helping her get her needs met. If you come away feeling like your child's slave (resentful), then something on your end needs to shift. This also will take some unity and consistent messaging between you and your husband.

While I know it may be tempting to just let grandma loose on a spending spree, my sense is that would only build up divisions and resentments.

I'm with one of the other gals ...

Tell your daughter to tell her grandma that she wants a 65" Widescreen Plazma Television, but that Mommy and Daddy won't buy it for her! Your Mother-in-Law will instantly realize what she has told her granddaughter, is just plain Ridiculous! One more suggestion: Do not buy your daughter ANYTHING. Have her grandma buy it! :) Good Luck!

Oh H. I feel for you, this is a tough one. My two daughters were VERY spoiled by my grandmother before she passed away. The were both on their way to diabetes with all the candy and had every Barbie toy imaginable.

I used a couple of strategies. 1) when they talked "sassy" to me or my husband, I walked in their room and took something away. I put these at the top of my closet and made them earn them back through kind deeds. 2) We chatted a lot about the poor people of this world, donated to Christmas Cheer and explained materialism and how things do not make us happy 3) My oldest spent a lot of time in her room "thinking about" how to talk to her parents who provide her food, clothing, education and a home to live in.

I take my daughters to fun places like Ghirdelli Square to visit the Mermaid fountain and enjoy a sundae or to the SF Zoo or Fairyland in Oakland. They know that time spent with mommy can be lots of fun but I will not want to do these things with people who are ungrateful and nasty. Good luck - this is a very difficult situation - keep your chin up and stick to your guns.

K. von Raesfeld
Petaluma, CA
www.mybarefootbooks.com/KvonRaesfeld

Personally, I would tell my daughter to tell grandma that she wanted a new washer and dryer. ; )

Dear H.,

Well, you are mixing up two different problems and making them into a big mess.

First of all do not mess with the grandmother and grandchild relationship. It would be far worse than you can ever expect - o.k.? bite your tongue.

Now, we have to deal with your daughter mistreating her parents. That has to come to a screeching halt now. You and Dad get together without her knowledge and form a plan. Remembering that the gifts from grandma have nothing to do with it. So don't even bring it up at first, until you decide that she cannot have something because of health,safety, or just plain too soon to have something in her life.

You need to get across to your daughter that she is low man on the totem pole and you and Dad are the bosses of the house. Don't throw too many rules at her at first. It will get all mixed up and boom all hell will break loose. You and Dad plan that the very next time that she gets saucy, that whoever is on duty sits down and quietly talks to her, Respect, respect, respect and it goes both ways. However you want to put it in your own words, but get that one point across to her. Be very very serious, no fussing and fuming, be dignified and quiet and very firm. it does no good to take thing away from them because it gives the child something to blame you for. It is going to be hard , but if you two stick together and are sensible and determined, then she will get the drift. It is better to do it now.

Also, remember your child is not in the high thinking level that you and Dad are. She is a very low moral development stage now. Read about it on the internet. Maslow's Theory of Moral Development. Just skim through it and read only the part for her age group. It will help you understand her. I just read that children's brains are not mature until they are in the early twenties, scary isn't it? That is the reason that they are so irratic and unreasonable at times. umhuh, that is right.

If you decide that she can not go shopping with grandma, then call grandma and say that your daughter can't go that day, but plan it for another day. If you don't want her to have that thing, then tell Grandma why you don't want her to have it YET . Try not to say anything has to last forever, just step by step. Grma will hopefully cooperate, but we don't know, do we? Just deal with it the best you can, remembering that you are the parents and you will have to suffer the hell that is to come if you don't get your daughter civilized, now.

You will get enough hell later on, so gird your loins and save your selves as much as possible. Try to find a way to get your daughter to cooperate, and show her respect the way that you want to be respected. Good Luck, C. N.

Well first off... you should start with having you or your hubby put your foot down with your mother in-law. Tell her getting her granddaughter gifts is one thing but getting her everything she wants is not helping her learn about real life. How is she suppose to learn to care about her stuff and that real life is about working for it rather then just have everything handed to her. These are somethings that you could tell her. If it doesn't stop after talking to her about it... then let her buy it and take it away from your daughter. She needs to learn you are her parents and not her slaves. Put your foot down with her! Don't let her walk all over you. I had my father in-law do the same thing and I put a stop to it really fast! It all started with and Ice cream... I told my daughter no and so she went to her grandpa for it and he knew i said no and gave it to her anyways. So I let her open it and before she started to eat I took it and told her I said no and trashed it. Then I took her to him and said tell your grandpa thank you.. so she did and he said for what? And then I said for getting you to be in time out while all the other kids play. And oh boy was she mad! She never asked him again and he doesn't do that any more cuz he don't want her to get in trouble. It's up to you to put a stop to it all! Good luck!

This is not as uncommon as you might think! My advice is unconventional...it's up to you to use it or not. But I tell you it has worked for quite a few people that I know.

As the parent, you have the final say. Let Grandama buy her what she wants, you will decide when she gets it use it, play with it or eat it...whatever. If she disrepects you, and she is old enough now to know what that means, the gift disappears...and I don't mean for a day or two. It disappears. This will happen once, maybe twice and your daughter will get the message. There are many wonderful charities out there looking for donations. Allow your daughter the opportunity to experience the "joy of giving" if she can not appreicate the "joy of having".

At this age, she is more than able to understand what it "spoiled" and to be "blessed". It is your duty as her mom to have her see the difference.

Let us know how it all works out.
B.
www.HeyYouGetReal.com

Let Grandama know the rules, she can buy whatever she wants, but it will be your choice as to whether your daughter will have it. I'll tell you, your M-I-L will think twoce about getting her more "stuff" if she thinks you might be sending it to charity.

I really think your husband needs to have a sit-down with his Mom and tell her to step off. I would not tolerate this behavior from my MIL if she acted like that. If your husband won't/can't do it, you'll have to. Otherwise, you'll be your daughter's whipping boys her whole life.

Good luck.

Hi H.!

Wow! U need to b blunt & tell her to back off!

Please tell me more on your daughters attitude.

I have a 7 y/o grl who has attitude issues also.

Maybe we can share w/each other on what we are going through

with our grls! Send me a msg if u r interested! =)

\m/

Sorry but you have a bad mother in law bad bad bad

Tell Grandma to knock it off. That is completely inappropriate. Tell your daughter that it is inappropriate to ask someone else for gifts if 1. it is not your birthday. 2. it is not a holiday. Or 3. You did not work for it. If Grandma insists, then either don't let her have unsupervised visits or throw the item in the basement (or whatever room you want). You are the parent - stand up and teach your daughter now. We had this issue when I was a child (except they were my step-grandparents). my older brother and sister (35 and 36) still believe everything should be handed and given to them. My sister is on welfare and my brother lives in my parent's trailer without paying rent (my parent's live in a different city). I however, have worked for everything and believe I have earned it. I'm not saying your daughter will end up like that, but why risk it?

Hi H.,

I think that you should set some boundaries for grandma. This means that you have to set boundaries for your daughter as well. No phone calls and begging for things that you cant afford or dont want her to have. Everybody in this equation should respect your boundries as the parent here. If you MIL insists on this behavior then your husband may need to step in and put his foot down. Explain to her that you want all the best for your daughter but you also want her to know that there are limitations as well. Good luck. This can be a sticky place to be but you do need to assert yourself or as time goes on your daughter will become dependent on grandma's indulgences and start expecting them from everyone else.