How Do I Get My Hubby on Board

Wow, that is a problem. Is there any way you can get away for a week or two. Perhaps tell him that you have to attend a conference and then stay with relatives while he deals with the children alone? The kids will soon walk over him since there is no one else to disrespect. He will HAVE to do some disciplining.

Hi D.,

Wow. That's rough. It sounds like you and your husband are on two different pages. I don't think you're alone in this. A lot of moms are the disciplinarians. My husband and I both believe in discipline but we have different ideas about it. I think something that could help you right now is for you to establish your own relationship with your kids. When they are with you, establish your expectations and your rules and follow-through with consequences. When daddy is home, defer to him and take a break! Let you husband know that you understand he parents differently than you do so you will respect his "way" when he has the girls and that you can agree to disagree about this but that when you are caring for them you will be setting boundaries because that's how you parent best. If you want more support and help, I'm a parent coach and you can read more about what I offer at http://motheringwithpatience.com or http://noblemother.com

You're doing the right thing and in order to keep this marriage strong and keep you plugged in with the girls, take care of yourself! Your girls need you. Boundaries and limits help create safety for children and if you abandon them and give up your sacred duty to parent them, they will be lost. Don't give up! There's other mamas out here for you to have back up. =)

I can only imagine the replies you get from your request for help. How about this reply from me. Please make him read the replies and mine as follows:

TEACHER HERE - AWARD WINNING TEACHER HERE - He sounds like he needs to grow up himself. This is outrageous and he couldn't love his kids if he is doing this to them. Only loving parents discipline - the others slack off. You wait and see what you have when they get in school. How dare him do this to you!!! This is a backward form of child abuse. I would get him some training and he would change or I would leave him and find a man who is willing to be a real man. Loving your children is essential but not disciplining is just plain nuts!

There are quite a few variables here. The first is that hubby is not backing up his partner. Regardless of how he feels about discipline, parents should never allow children to pit them against one another. If you discipline your child and they run to him to override, he has diminished respect for you in that child's eyes. The second is that it is a parent's job to discipline. Parents are the tools that instill values and manners in children. If the child is their own disciplinarian, meaning they do whatever they want when they want, get ready for teen backtalk, poor decision making, and the activities that come with children who have no moral values. As an educator, I see it all the time. When it gets really out of control, you will be on some talk show or in the counselor's office, saying please help me, my child beats me up, or won't do anything I say. You and dad need to have a serious talk about what it is in life that you want for your children and see if there is a compromise to properly raise the children that I know you both love. But it must be consistent and start now. Good luck.

D., I have to say I really feel for you. You are in danger of not only having a divided family but a divided marriage.... Those are never good. I would encourage you to talk to your husband, when I say "talk" I mean sitdown when it can be the two of you ALONE and tell him that you want to come together to see what he expects from you and the children and make sure you get what your expectations are as well. From him and from the children.

May sure you don't accuse him and use harsh words such as "you always" and "you never", find better words such as, "I feel like we could improve in..." Men tend to shut down and become so defensive.

If he expects to have good children at some point they are going to have to have some disipline and if there is a home divided you are certainly never going to get the results you want. I have a 6 yr old and a 5 year old and I know how easily they try to take over if not kept in check.

I really wish you the best...I feel like you are in quite the battle. Maybe even suggest a family counselor for dealing with expectations of family issues if need be. Something has to give and it shouldn't be you all the time.

ok, i have never heard of parents not disciplining kids AT ALL! not unless they have a nanny to do it or something! if he has that philosophy about not coming down on them when THEY do something wrong, then he should have the same approach with you. if he is YELLING at you, and you are the adult being responsible for the children, then he is disciplining, just not the right person.

my suggestion is to go away on a girls' weekend (or week!) and leave him with two kids who want their way with everything, and see how he handles everything! sounds as if he wants you to be the "bad guy" all the time, while he is their hero. that happens to some degree with most two-parent households (i know i feel like the bad guy most of the time, but my husband does discipline the kids about 80% of the time he is home, so he is like the Reserves or something!)

i assume your hubby is employed also full time and it looks like you have your hands full. i mostly stay at home, but have worked part-time and gone back to school full time in recent years. i know that alone (the school + working outside the home) put alot more stress on me for that time period was harder with discipline b/c i felt like it was all falling to me and the nights i was in school i would get home late and they weren't even getting ready for bed and shoulda been asleep an hour before! daddy loves playing with the rest of the kids (sometimes men are just like another kid to raise! :))... but even when i am not working at all, i still feel like since he works all day and comes home tired and not wanting to fuss at kids or be fussed at (by me or them!) that he would rather let alot of things go that i don't let them get away with. that just makes me frustrated that he is in the same room with fighting children and i have to interrupt my cooking (their dinner!) to come break it up! but most of the time he is pretty good to try to handle things after i have been doing it all day long.

just keep trying to get it thru his manly skull, and leave him for a few days with some of the responsibility!

best wishes!
A.

Do you guys attend Church? Your preacher might could talk with him. Spare the rod spoil the child thing!!
I work part time at the local jail. I see a lot of spoiled kids come to stay a while....very seldom do I see diciplined kids.
Maybe he should know that kids "Never" respect a parent that doesnt set bounderies.
Good luck.

I know it is hard to discipline kids, especially "Daddy's Little Girl." It's hard not to feel bad. But, it's better to get a handle on appropriate behavior and expectations now rather than deal with the consequences later. Today it's a fit over not getting a cookie, too soon it will be over sneaking out with a boy. The little things can quickly become big ones. As parents, we do our children a favor by teaching discipline and guidance, and how to make smart choices. Life is hard enough, so giving them the tools to get along is our duty. Good luck talking with your husband and coming up with some new ways to discipline. I think the other moms on here have given you some great advice on where to begin.

Sounds as if you and your husband need parenting classes. They are available everywhere but it sounds as though your husband wouldn't be willing to partake, especially if he yells at you when your daughter partner's up with him against you and he yells at you for her tears. I don't know how you get along with him if this is happening? Do you think a parenting book would be something he would read? I do believe if this issue isn't addressed, sooner rather than later, your relationship will deteriorate with your husband. As your children get older, their problems become larger and if the two of you aren't on the same page, or even the same book, there will be huge problems. It sounds as though you are extra busy getting your degree and working, so if you can make this your number one issue to work on with your husband it will be the very thing that will support your family. It isn't the money made, or degree's earned that glues your family together, it's the solidarity and team effort between you two as parents that will hold your family together. Good luck D., I really hope that this situation is addressed in a positive and loving way with you and your hubby. You can show your children, by example, what a relationship really is, instead of what it shouldn't be.

Men are often push-overs for their girls. That is just the way it is. Right now, he sees a cute little girl who talks back. Have him to imagine her with the same character 10-15 years from now. How will she get through life if she continues the same path. Many studies show that most personalities are set by pre-school. Plus, he is just making it harder on everyone because he doesn't want to see her upset. It is easier to be firm at first and then loosen the reigns later than to let anything go and then get stricter later. My thoughts are not much different than what has been said before. It sounds like you already have a full plate with raising a husband and children, working and studying full-time as well.

Go on vacation or stay with someone who is supportive and will take care of you like your mom or sister or friend. He needs to be the one to deal with them FULL-TIME to see if his perspective changes. He is not doing anyone any favors by spoiling because he is setting them up for hardship and failure because at some point we all have to grow up.

D.,
Maybe you could try or consider...
Anytime your children ask something, tell them they have to ask Daddy, when the child is doing something that is wrong, tell your DH and walk away from the circumstances... I know it might be hard but get busy doing something else so that HE has to be the one watching them and correcting them.

Maybe the word discipline bothers him... We use the word Correct in our house as we are trying to "Correct" the behavior or situation.

We believe in FIRST time obedience. IT works too.
I very rarely have to really discipline.

I just simply ask to my child "Do you need to be corrected?"
If not, then she has to assume the responsibility of self correction... if not I will gladly do it... and she will get sent to her room... BTW, my DD is 5.

We have been using that method since she was 3 yrs old.
I also tell her what I 'expect' if we are out or if there are going to be distractions to tempt her about making "good decisions" I use that A LOT.. "I expect you to make good decisions" and not do what everyone else is doing or what you know is wrong.

If for some reason, as no child is a complete angel ;)
I just tell her "I will take care of this at home" or tell her she owes me 10 minutes in her room... or no TV (we limit TV anyway)

The children look to us for guidance and boundaries... it lets them "KNOW" we love them and care about how they will turn out when they are older.

I always tell her because I love her, I have to discipline.
Our faith plays an important part of our family life and I let her know that God made the rule to Obey your parents, not when you feel like it, or only on Tues., or if it sounds good.

Something else, I use is You don't have to like it, but you will do what I ask or tell you.

I do use the words please, thank you etc.. as an example... not always but I do try as it helps make the child more compelled to do what is asked.

My DH backs me up a lot. That helps, we try not to question each other about the circumstances in front of the child.. sometimes my DH has to be reminded.

Another thing we do, is coming when called or asked to. This is a great starting point that when I call my DD, Lets use this for an example:

ME: "Cambria, will you please come here?"

DD: "Yes, Mommy coming"
This allows me to know the child heard me... and should do as I requested. It also avoids the constant calling of the child's name until you are ready to pull your hair out.
(Note, I learned this the hard way, as not only do I have my 5 yr old DD, I also have a 19 yr old DS)

So with that said... somethings you do learn and try to avoid if there are other children. :)

I wanted to point out that there is a GREAT book called "Shepherding Your Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp.

***NOW, that I have suggested that book, if you do decide to use it, you will have to make some decisions to do what is best for you and your family.

I used the book as a guidence and wisdom standpoint and didn't do everything it suggest as my child is not that author's child. Some things you have to take with a grain of salt.***

That is the Key D., To do what is BEST for YOU and Your family.

I think too in retrospect to your post, you have your hands full with working, mothering and going to school. Suggest to your DH that you need more of his help with the children in ALL area's and don't mention the discipline thing right from the start since he isn't wanting to hear you at this point.

Maybe he doesn't see any real serious issues to "Correct" but if he takes on a more active role... he just might.

The fact that your DD is allying your DH against you, is dangerous as it will cause a bigger division the older she gets and you will never be respected by her since she see's he isn't respecting you now.

It is quite obvious that he isn't showing love and respect to you in front of the children or he would never allow her to treat you the way she is.
It will continue to get worse as time progresses. Just wait till she is in school... that might be a real eye opener...

Remember to do what is BEST for YOU and YOUR family.

Wow, that's ridiculous. You're both doing a great disservice to your children, and having said that I realize that you're not doing that intentionally but only because that's what he forces. What does he think will become of children who have been given no boundaries and haven't been taught what is acceptable behavior and what is not? What is he going to do when they go to school and struggle with sudden discipline from teachers? I was a middle school teacher myself, and as many students as I had that weren't disciplined the right way or weren't disciplined very often, I don't think I ever had anyone who wasn't disciplined AT ALL. That's just silly. You husband needs to get a clue and understand that these kids are going to grow up into teenagers and adults that think they don't have to conform to the rules of society. Hopefully, they'll grasp it all via observation and won't have to learn the hard way. I think you need to lay down the law, seriously.

Well if he wont disciplin the children then he should at least stand behind you.When you say no,give time outs or how every you disciplin he should back you up and not give into your children.Your 5yr old is already becoming a spoil brat because of him.Right now it might be cute but wait until she hits her teens and wants a car or to stay out late with her freinds.She is going to be the one thats gets pregnant at 15yr old or heavy into drugs..let him think about that.

What I would do..if you can..leave the kids with him for a day.Even a few days in a row..like a weekend.I bet by the time the few days are up he will see that disciplining your children is not a bad thing..good luck..
S. B

Many moms have given some good ideas--leaving him alone with the kids, you leaving with the kids. Both of those might be wake-up calls for your husband, but once he wakes up, then what? He's still going to need guidance and perhaps a serious look at his own upbringing and his reasons for not wanting to discipline the kids. I think you should first see if he's open to marriage counseling, and go if he is. That way you can get this and any other issues out and dealt with. I believe for him to really make a change he has to understand why he thinks the way he does, then he needs to understand the value and necessity of discipline, and then he needs to have someone coach him in how to be a good, effective parent. I would really focus my energies on trying to get him to counseling.

The idea of hanging out with other good role model parents is a good one but not guaranteed to work unless parents are actively looking for new ways to do things. My cousin's husband is the same as yours, and he always seems oblivious to the rest of the family disciplining their kids around him. And someone else mentioned Super Nanny. While you're trying to get your husband to counseling, it wouldn't hurt to try to get her help--seriously! I'll say a prayer for you and your family. I know this isn't easy for you. Good luck! :)

ok, easily solved, Leave the kids with your husband for the weekend, he cannot call you or call anyone for help, he'll get the message.
Will he listen to you if you tell him your concerns? Your kids will be spoiled if he doesn't get on board. Does he want to be the pansy in the family? Also tell him, he needs to be the father that his girls can look up to. Most girls marry a man a lot like their father. Let him think about that.
IF he doesn't get the message Call Super Nanny!

I'm thinking you'd only have to leave him with the kids for a week or two and he'd be crying for you to come back (but I probably wouldn't have guts enough to try it, myself)!

Anyway, HOW was this man reared??? Is his mother still living? Can you talk to her about why he might have this attitude? Are they both girls? Might that have something to do with it? There has to be some real reason from his past. SURELY HE was disciplined, or you could've never lived with him this long! Everything in life is disciplined -- school, work, how we purchase things, driving -- EVERYTHING! There are rules of things that we must do and things that we must NOT do! He knows this whether he'll acknowledge it or not.

Golly, if it's as dire as you say it is, you really need help (and he needs even MORE)!

It really is true that the best thing a man can do for his children is to love, honor, and respect their mother. If he doesn't stand behind you, that is terribly disrespectful of you, and you need to STOP putting up with it -- for their sake AND YOURS!

I'll be praying . . .

P.S.

Discipline and structure give your children a sense of where the lines are drawn. A sense of order to their world. Having no order and no boundaries causes a lot of anxiety and fear in children and they grow up scared of everything around them. Tell your husband that the children need a basic structure and order. They need to know when things are permited and when they are not, despite of the fact that they are going to test you. How rigid or loose that structure is depends on each family but SOME sort of structure needs to exist. From your description, it seems that he isn't providing any structure at all. Perhaps you can agree with him not to create too authoritarian a structure but a looser one. But still something has to be put in place. Hope this helps D.!

He is destroying your children. ALL children need disipline and boundries. I have never been much of a spanker but I didn't allow my kids to be unruley. Tell him to take a trip down to Juvi hall. That is where alot of kids with no dicipline end up. I would walk away from my husband before I gave up on my kids. If he thinks he is showing them love by being that way, it will come back to bite him, but unfortunately it will bite the kids first. It is a tough situation to be in. I hope you can work it out.

Have you had a vacation by yourself? Plan one and leave hime home with the kids, and make sure he has to stay with them. So do it when his scheduled time off is, for instance on the weekend. Even if you just go to your mothers, sisters, best friends, for an all day Saturday. However I think longer would be better, but the short little trips may be all you can do, and maybe they will end up not minding him, and he will talk to you about it. Also do not let them get away with leaving the house a total wreck when you get home, because he paid too much attention to the kids. That's not fair either. You may need to take the younger one with you to the store, etc little trips leaving him with the older one as much as possible, so he can see that she needs dicipline. B.'

D.,

ADDENDUM: As one who has lived on both sides of ADD with and without hyperactivity, I will say that your daughter's behavior does not sound like an ADHD condition. This is not to say that she is not ADD but I do not believe the described behavior is part of that problem.
Just as a side-note here, as a CNA you may already be aware that most MD's do not like to deal with treatment of ADD and they will refer you to a psychologist. Also, at the age of 5, your daughter could only be diagnosed anecdotally. That is, through your description of your daughter's behavior. A busy, overactive ... and I mean TRULY overactive, can't sit still child or one who may not be overactive but cannot focus and concentrate on anything for an extended time may well be ADD. ALSO the child who tends to overfocus on things but, once a project is mastered they lose interest, may also be ADD. Further: if your older daugher is ADD/ADHD, it is highly likely that your younger daughter will be, too.

Your daughter's issues sound more like a child-rearing matter, however. Psychological studies have shown that the first word a child learns is 'NO'. This is an important step in learning everything else that comes after. Your daughter has learned the meaning of the word no, she just has not been taught to respect it. Perhaps, with daddy the sole caregiver for a few days, he may develop a different perspective on child-rearing.

___________________________________

It's difficult to know how to view this without knowing what's behind it. What is your husband's rationale for not wanting to correct the girls? I'm curious, too, as to whether your husband leaves childcare solely to you. Does he take care of them when you are at school or is this relegated to a third party? When a couple marry, they are, by nature and necessity, the most important person in each other's lives. When they have children, that 'pecking order' changes. The children MUST BE the most important part of the relationship. that means one's spouse must take a backseat to whatever is best for the children.

As you are undoubtedly aware, spanking children, especially very young children, can constitute abuse and any corporal punishment can lead to abuse if the parent loses his or her temper. Is your husband afraid of this, perhaps?
On the flip side of this, however, is a different kind of abuse. Failing to properly teach your girls right from wrong. If they are not told they are doing something wrong, they will continue to behave in an inappropriate manner and this could lead to devastating results in the future. A person who has no concept of right and wrong has a difficult time of understanding the basic rules of etiquette and public behavior. This, in turn, leads to breaking laws simply because one does not understand and/or accept the necessity for them. Your husband should be aware that, according to law in most states, failing to teach your children proper conduct constitutes abuse as much as physically abusing them and is actually considered criminal neglect. Worst cse scenario - depending upon where you live, your state, technically could classify this lack of parental intervention as neglect and remove the children from your home!

Not teaching your daughters proper conduct now will only make them more difficult to control when they are ten or twelve or sixteen and, as you already see in your five year-old, the negative behavior and acting out is already apparent in her. She will carry this behavior into school and it is going to handicap her school career and her ability to learn and, later on, to earn. If she does not learn to accept and respect her limits, she will, as an additional detriment, find herself spending a great deal of time in the principal's office, getting reprimanded and punished for her behavior in the classroom, she will get a reputation as a troublemaker and other children will not want to associate with her. Her self-esteem will suffer greatly and this, in turn, will affect her ability to get and maintain a good job in the future. It will also increase her likelihood of dropping out of high school, becoming pregnant in her teens (statistically, as a dropout, more than once) Her chances of being arrested and going to jail, or even prison are increased astronomically.

I could go on about the negative aspects of the never say no approach to child rearing but I think you get the picture and, of course, you are already well aware of this aspect. The problem here is getting your husband to understand that.

As you have already discovered, it is really difficult to train your children if your husband does not back you up. If you do not make a solid front in your child rearing, the path of least resistance will generally win out. In this case, your husband's never say no approach. As a last resort, you might want to get a little more hard-nosed with your husband. Let him know that, after carrying those girls for nine months apiece, you are the bottom line on their upbringing and he is not to undermine your efforts. If he cannot respect you enough to support you in this, you need to sit down with him and quietly explain the need for training your children to be respectful. Respect is earned and, if he does not earn their respect now, he will not get it later. If that means Little Miss Five runs crying to him when you tell her no and he has to learn to say, "What did your mother say?" then he'd better start practicing. After a rough start for everyone involved, this approach worked great for my sister.

There is, of course, a right and a wrong way of approaching the matter of correcting and teaching your children. Unfortunately, for your five year-old, it's a little too late for a gentle-handed approach. You need to sit down with your husband and a family counselor and discuss your husband's reasons for not wanting to reprimand your children. He needs to understand that this is not punishment so much as it is teaching (the most important aspect of parenting) - no different than teaching mathmatics, reading, writing, or geography. And it is just as vital. A family counselor might be able to help him understand this.

This is not going to be an easy transition for any of you, most especially your children, who have already gotten used to the hands off method of child-rearing. You may have to sit down with them on repeated occasions (especially the five year-old) and explain to them that, although she has been free to pretty much do as she pleased in the past, Mommy and Daddy have agreed that she needs to start learning how to behave in school and other places outside the home so there will, in the future, be specific expectations for her behavior and, should she transgress, there will be a price to pay (time outs, no playing with a favorite toy, etc.) If you have a television in her bedroom, this has been shown to increase behavioral problems and you might want to consider removing it.

What lies in store for the future will not be easy but you just have to remember that, the bottom line is, this is for your children and they are worth whatever price you have to pay.

Let me know how things progress and, if you need to vent, you can always find me here. Good luck to you and your family.

There's probably nothing else you can say, but your child's teacher or principal may be able to wake your husband up. If your child isn't already in day care, then too bad, but at least you have kindergarten and elementary school coming up. It won't be long at all before school discipline systems kick in, and maybe that will shake your husband out of his denial. Just don't let him get away with "that school has expectations too high." Allow them to be your backup singers in a rousing chorus of "The kid has got to get with it."

Wow.

That is a big one, my dear.
It seems this issue, to begin with, is more about you & your husband's relationship. I'd seek couples counseling.

It seems the two of you can not demonstrate mutual respect for each other, and find common ground on your parenting styles. Your kids see all this and will never respond positively.

The children need boundaries & guidance. And it needs to come from both parents.

I wish you the very best for your family!

P

Your family needs to be in a good Christian church. This will help to show that rules, and laws aren't just made up. God established rules to keep peace in our homes and our societies. I don't know if you and your husband are Christians or not, regardless, the following is true.
Proverbs 29:17 says
"orrect thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul."
If your children are not corrected, they will do just the opposite.
You appearantly already know this, otherwise you wouldn't try to correct your children. Stick to it. Be strong and correct your children and make sure there is a punishment for them if they try to go to daddy to bail them out when they absolutley know they did wrong.
Punishments can be a paddling, time out, standing in a corner - OR - they can be loss of priveledges - which is where I think your focus needs to be until dad comes on board.
No trips to birthday parties, no eating out at fun restraunts, no play dates, etc as long as bad behavior continues.
Above all, You need the help of Christ. Give yourself to Him, He deals in hearts.By that I mean, put it to prayer and let Him deal with your husband and your family from the inside (the heart) and it will show on the outside.
Read the book of Proverbs for more help. It won't read like a story, it's more of a book of advice. One passage doesn't necessarily lead directly to another. The scriptures there change topics often. It's a lot like talking with an experienced mom (actually a dad - God the Father) and getting first hand knowledge about raising kids. It's awesome!
A great author on the subject of the family is Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family. He has books about raising strong willed children, general discipline and even books on the relationships of husbands and wives. He's a wonderful Christian psychologist. His radion show can be heard online at http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Focus_on_the_Family/
(copy and paste the above to listen.)
Good luck and God bless!
L.

I'm so sorry that your family situation has gotten so out of control, D.. I was struck by your last line of saying that you are to the point of leaving your girls with your husband forever, so that they would not even know who you were. I sense that you may have been exaggerating, but if not, I would urge you not to leave your girls. They need their mother, and no one can mother them better than you. Children need some sort of discipline so that they do not grow up to have zero empathy for others, a sense of entitlement from the world, and other issues that would destroy their quality of life. You as a mother know this, and you must not give up on doing what is best for your girls.
I may be reading too much into your post, but I sense that there may be deeper issues in your marriage that involve your hubby's lack of respect for you and controlling behavior. Most marriages involve meeting halfway on issues, and if your husband is not willing to do this on discipline issues, then I'm wondering why that is the case. Did he have an overly punitive childhood, or does he just like to disagree with you? Does he disrespect you on other issues as well? If he would agree to either marital or family therapy, that's a good sign that he is ready to make some changes. If he is abusive in anyway (hopefully he is not, but even verbal abuse can be quite damaging), it may be a better idea to consult a local domestic violence group about how to proceed. If you end up leaving, it might be a better idea to take the girls with you...you need to learn how to do this safely if he has a history of violence.

Not saying "no" is harmful. My husband and I sat down and agreed on all the things we WOULDN'T say, but it has to be mutual. We never say "bad" or "what's the matter with you?!"just a couple examples... Maybe you could compromise on "THAT'S NOT OK" in a firm voice (works with my two boys, ages 2 and 4) Tell him there's a positive way to correct children; but NO WAY of correcting them is POOR PARENTING. IF it were my husband, I'd tell him, "as parents, trusted by God to raise these kids, we OWE it to them to teach them boundaries, right from wrong, and respect." Tell him your kids will one day in in Jr. high and High School and if they don't learn to respect authority figues at home, then GUESS WHAT (genius) they will get in a lot of trouble their whole life, only they won't be prepared for trouble because he has this SPECIAL IDEA that they can do what they want to. Tell your daughters to tell the COPS, in 20 years, that they don't have to follow the rules b/c their daddy says so, see how far that gets them. Since when does a father know better than a mother?! I wouldn't tolerate one second of that garbage in this house. He's either with me, or he's against me and if he's not with me, then he's just in my way of raising our kids properly. what a bonehead.

is there anyone else that your husband would listen to.Perhaps somebody in his family.somebody that you could get to help you with this ?

I understand your frustration. I have felt like giving up at times too.

You need to spend time with other couples who discipline their children. We have found our church community to be a good place for role models for our children and for ourselves.

If these ideas aren't received well by hubby, I would strongly advise marital counseling, and fast. Your children deserve to have two loving parents who care enough about them to set boundaries and follow through with consequences. Everyone struggles with this from time to time, but you guys are at a point where you must seek help.

Hello!

Disclaimer: I read this and I feel that it is very straight forward blunt, So please excuse me. If this is the right time for you to hear this then great, but if it is not, do not feel badly about deleting it!
~~~~~~~~~
I do not know how you stand with the Lord. but this last weekend I had a retreat with other Christian woman and one of the ladies stated that she had been married for thirteen years before she changed something: that something was that she was only praying for her husband for his growth in the Lord. She started a book study called The Power of The Praying Wife. It talks about how to pray for your husband in many different subjects.

I will pray that your husband will hear you and respect you and so you can can work as a team and show your daughter that you are unified. I hope that he sees that you (after the Lord) should be # 1 in his life, children second.

H., mother of three, one being VERY STRONG WILLED!!!

What are his reasons for his decision to not discipline? Was he physically abused as a child and afraid that any discipline could lead to abuse? Does he realize that discipline is not just spanking? It also involves training. Does he realize the consequences of failing to set limits and enforce them? It is easier (sometimes) to let children have their own way, but discipline is for thier own good. Is he being influenced by articles that are against discipline? Could you find some articles that show the benefits of training/discipline and setting limits? Or books about children and ways to discipline? If you spend the most time with the children, it is really unfair and unkind to you for him to take away your authority as a mother.

D.,
Hang in there for the kids sake. If you leave him with the kids, they will be the ones who lose out on important life coping skills and will suffer. Your husband will continue his patterns and will likely shirk his responsibilities off on someone else. Take the kids with you.
Just keep giving him info from experts, examples of an undiscilpined child, ie: kids that go postal and kill, and the main thing he needs to get right away is that kids only feel safe and loved when they do have rules and boundaries and THEY ONLY FEEL SAFE WHEN THEY KNOW SOMEONE IS IN CONTROL OF THEIR WORLD, AT THE HELM OF THE FAMILY SHIP. THE WORLD, ESPECIALLY THESE DAYS IS A VERY SCARY PLACE. he may feel like he's the favorite parent now, but he is the failing and absent parent and he will witness his kids suffer in ther long run because of it.
i hope you get lots of good responses on this and I hope he will read every last one of them.

God Bless You
Please don't leave the kids behind, they need you desperately
if they are going to have a chance at a sucessful life.

It would crush them emotionally for you to leave and their world would spin out of control

Stand up to this guy or leave him behind with visitation.
I know it seems like youv'e tried everything, just don't let up.

He is changing who those kids are by yelling at you too.
He's doing so much damage across the board.

I know you have gotten a lot of responses. While I was teaching preschool there was another family JUST like yours. It was so bad that one day the son touched a red-hot burner... the mother defended herself to the hubby by telling him, "I couldn't tell him no." Hopefully this won't have to happen to you.

Children NEED boundaries (almost as much as food and water). They hate them but it actually makes them feel SAFE. My daughter who is now 12 once had a dream that she and her friends were off doing something they shouldn't have done. In the dream my daughter got in trouble from me but her friends did not. She told me that it was ok, because she knew she got in trouble because I loved her.

I'll say a prayer for you.

you are the mother, and it is your responsibility to raise well mannered children. this seems like something you and your husband should have discussed before having children. step up and let your children know that they are expected to behave a certain way, and nothing else will be accepted.

Have him watch some of those 911 Nanny shows! ;0) Or even tape your household as a reality check to have him watch and see how bad it really is.

I wish there was something I could say. Maybe this anecdote illustrates my comments best.

I have a cousin who was the apple of her mom & dad's eye. They gave her everything and never wanted to tell her no. In her preteens, she was very self-centered and didn't consider others feelings (why should she?- she was raised that her wants/wishes trumped everyone elses!!). In her teens, she went for self gradification in the form of drugs, sex, sneaking out of the house. Her mom buried her head in the sand over most of this because she wanted her daughter to be liked and popular. She was a smart kid, but when school got hard and wasn't fun, she gave up and no one pushed her back. As a young adult in her 20's, she has finally been told "no" by the world and when she hears it -from teachers, employers, etc. - she quits, so she has nothing to show for her life so far. After we caught her stealing cancer medication from my mother's home, we really don't speak to her much anymore. Bottom line is that her life has been irreparably damaged and I think if she were given guidance and discipline as a child, things would be very different.

There is a big difference between discipline and punishment. Not providing guidance to your children and giving them the tools to be productive adults is another form of child abuse!!

I know you are in a difficult situation, but you sounds like a smart, educated woman and I think you've known the answer to your question all along. Best of luck to you, D..

Has he ever seen the Super Nanny....? Maybe if he saw other people with children out of control he would see the truth about your own children.

I can not understand why he allows her to run her mouth. It is so disrespectful....have you tried acting that way toward him....why should you have boundaries if the children don't.

Sorry...I don't have alot of advice.
Good Luck,
Jen

D.,i'm sorry you husband dont see the importance of disipline but at some point he must.children are not born with rule books to know what is acceptable behavure it must be tought and there must be consequences for bad behavure.would he rather teach his children right from wrong or have to bail them out of jail because they had never been corrected.the parents responcibility is to bring the child up in the way they should go.and the bible says if you raise them in the way they should go they wont depart from it.they dont automatically know right from wrong.you can teach them without abuce but maybe he was abused as a child and that that might be why hes afraid to dicipline.regardless whether he comes around or not dont leave and leave your children behind god will make a way for you to provide for them and teach them whats right and wrong as well as correct them when necessary.God bless you and i'll keep you in my prayers.good luck!he needs to get some respect for the mother of his children and a parenting class wouldnt hurt him any even a marrage counsler because sound as if he has a lot of growing up to do.

You need to discipline your kids. You can't just walk out. You are their mother, whether you are there or not and if you don't to it then no one else will.

"i am to the point of giving up and just leaving him to deal with the children by himself forever and then my kids will never even know who i am i just don't know what to do. " Surely you don't mean that. I would discipline them without him. They will thank you for it later. At least then you know you tried. It sounds like you and your husband my need to have a serioud heart to heart or maybe try some counseling.