How Do I Get Him to Understand?

I had the same problem with my daughter's father. All you can do is be there for her. What I did was had my daughter write her father a letter letting him know how she felt. Tell her to let him know she is angry or disappointed. It usually has a greater impact when it comes from the child then the ex that they think is just feeding them a line. And even if he still doesn't get the point, at least she is getting her feelings of her chest and not keeping them bottled up. Good luck!

I'm in a similar situation, but it has been more than a year since my ex has seen my girls (ages 7 and 5). No phone calls. No visits. No birthday or holiday cards. Not a word. (No child support either, by the way.)

I cannot imagine vanishing from my little girls' lives (or even being inconsistent such as your ex), so it's very difficult for me to explain his behavior to them...and believe me, they ask...all the time.

What I've come to accept is that I can't change him. I can't make him understand the effect he has on the girls' happiness and self esteem. I can't make him keep promises or even try harder. The only thing I can do is be the best mom I can possibly be, and help my girls accept their dad's absence, understand that it's not their fault (or mine), and move on with their lives. I can only hope that their experience will guide them away from making the same mistakes their dad is making.

I know this isn't exactly the response you were looking for, but I hope it helps you on some level.

Enjoy the summer with your daughter!!

It's so hard. My sons father has up and down spells much the same. He will take him consistently for 4 months straight, every week for two or three days, and then my son won't see his dad for a few weeks. I make my sons dad talk to my son. He can't resist that little voice saying "But Daddy, I miss you. I just want to see you. Just a little while." Truthfully, that's all he wants to see him to. My sons dad has another child that is 8 months old and lives with him full time. My son LOVES and I mean LOVES his brother, but he is use to being an only child and likes to be on a schedule and likes to know what his day is going to be like. He can predict that here, or at least knows he can ask. Therefore, he ask if we can just stop by to visit, or if he can just go for dinner. Normally that's enough to get the ball rolling back to the two or three days a week thing. My sons father also works 2 jobs full time, so 80+ hours a week, and even though he lives with the mother of his second child, does most the care for that child and the cleaning. He can not stand to tell either of his boys no, he spoils them, although he won't admitt it. He can tell me no, that's easy. So I make him talk to our son. It gets to him. He straightens up.

ok to me it sounds as if maybe he said he wanted to take her so you would bring down the amount he has to pay. you need to tell him that he needs to get all his run arounds need to be done before he gets her. she needs her father daughter time. also if he is gonna keep doing this to her than he needs to let you know and the payments will be brought back up. its not fair for you or her. im not sure how else to go about it. when i was 5yrs old my parents got divorced and almost the same thing happened to me. i lived with my dad and my mom would take me and my brother every other weekend and seemed as if she didnt want to take us because she was always doing something. i know she loves us but as kids we see it different. right now im sure your daughter doesnt know whats going on and really believes you dont want her to see her dad. you kinda have to tell her that, thats not whats happening but at the same time dont put him down. as she gets older she will realize who was telling the truth because of the way you talked about her father in front of her. ok i dont know if any of that made since but i hope it helps!

That's got to be so hard. It hurts when your baby hurts. I know you don't want to see your daughter's heart broken. Having never been in this situation, take my advice with a few grains of salt. First, make HIM tell her on the phone when he calls to cancel. He needs to be the one to break the news and hear the disappointment in her voice. That way she gets one message--daddy's reasons at that moment (truth or lie). Maybe suggest to him (as kindly, but firmly, as possible) that if he can't stand by his committments, then you guys need to renegotiate custody. It's not fair for your daughter be in limbo about when she'll spend time with him. Maybe he can really only handle a couple of days every other week. Hope it helps. N.

Wish their was some great advice or answer to your situatation, but their isn't! You can't make him be a dad, he has to care as much about your daughter's feelings too! My ex ust to do the same thing to both of my kids, and they still think the same of their father, until they get older and realize the deserve to be treated better. The difference betweeen boys and girls I've found is this: my daughter will still make excuses for her father, and my son stopped his own visitation at 13 yrs old, because he didn't like the situation and just goes by now and then to see him, because we live close to him. (they are now 22 and 16) They figure it out all on their own it just takes awhile. Just be their for your daughter, and take care of her the best you can, and not bad mouth her father (you're right their) He'll find out someday that somethings you can't fix and take back!!

Everyone gave you really good advice. I would definently go and change your visitation order to every other weekend and alternate holidays. I would also have them revise your support order. If you can go back on a calendar and write in the times he has seen her and the times you know she was just dropped off somewhere else. I would take that with you when you request a change in visitation. If you want to make sure that his family still gets to see her you can set up a time just for them. Once a week and one weekend a month or whatever they would like. Make sure that you explain that that is time for her to have with them not her dad so she doesn't expect to see him. If he shows up great but if not she won't be so disappointed. Also if you have a male relative that would be able to spend some one on one time with her I would strongly encourage it. My girls both have their "favorite" papa and spend extra time with them. I think it helps them to realize that not all men are the same and that nothing is wrong with them. They do things that mom "doesn't know how to do" like fishing or building things. Also do not let him tell you that he has to cancel. I have my oldest answer the phone and that way he knows how upset she is and he can't place the blame on me. I never bad mouth my daughters dads but I also do not defend them. I tell them that sometimes adults do things that are not nice and it is okay to be mad, angry, and even feel like you hate them. That you can feel that way and still love someone. My oldest looked at me and said "Really?". I have let my kids know that everyone messes up and that it is okay. Also they have an alternative if daddy doesn't show. They go to my moms house for the weekend. They just like to go somewhere for a weekend. Hope that helps!

It kills me to hear about men who aren't stepping up to be the fathers their children need them to be. There is a core question in the hearts of girls and a different core question in the hearts of boys that is key to be answered in life. And unfortunately it is the father who answers this question for both. It just kills me when kids grow up not knowing the answer to that question because dads were too selfish with their own lives to put their kids first. I wish I could offer you advice in this area. I wish there was a way people could get these men to change. I'm sorry you and your daughter are having to go through this. If he is open to reading then maybe for a holiday or something soon you and your daughter...or your daughter could give him a gift. There is a great book out there for men called "Wild At Heart". It holds so much for guys, helps them understand themselves as well as opens their eyes to their roles in life. Sorry, but that is the best I can do for you. Also for your daughter and you as well I would consider reading a book together called "Captivating". If I could I would give this book as a gift to every women I know or come in contact with. It is so inspiring and empowering. I'll keep you guys in my prayers.

It makes me so mad when I here about a parent who does those things. You divorce your spouse, not your child. She is old enough to talk on the phone, make him tell her himself if he is canceling on her. Refuse to be the barer of bad news. His cancellation, his excuse, make him be the one to tell her. It just might make it harder for him to cancel and make it happen less often, and you don't end up stuck in the middle.

I am going through something similar right now. My advice is this, get a court ordered visitation set up. You can't make him a father, so don't even bother trying...I wasted a lot of time tryig that. That way, if he cancels, he will held in contempt of court. Make him take YOU to court. Also, take him back for child support because based on both your incomes, they will adjust it and take it right from his paychecks. In the meantime, don't bother telling your daughter he is coming. That way, if he does cancel again, she won't know about it. My ex has seen his 14 month old daughter one time in 2 months. he has not called in weeks, and I doubt he will because he knows he owes me money on a loan he has now defaulted on. I did everthing in my power to try to get him to be a responsible father, but he isn't interested. Right now, I don't know where he is living, nor does he have a phone, so who knows if, or when, he will ever reappear. All I know is that I am going to just worry about my daughter's well being.

D., I am so sorry to hear about that. I can re-assure that when your daughter gets older she will remember that he made the promises to her and broke them and that you didn't. Honestly, I believe the only way you can stop him from doing this to her is to go back to court and have the custody order changed. Personally, I wouldn't let her talk to him on the phone or anything without me being there so that he can't make promises of "oh I will pick you up tomorrow night" or anything like that.
I agree that you just need to keep re-assuring your daughter that you love her and it is okay to feel the way she does and that it isn't her fault at all. :)

Hi D.. Oh boy do I ever know how you're feeling. I've been divorced for over 7 years now and I'm still dealing with this problem. The best advice I can give you is to be supportive to your daughter and encourage a HEALTHY relationship with her father, his family, heck... everyone in her life. What I mean by healthy, is that she needs to understand that her feelings are valid and healthy. It's ok to love her dad and want time with him, but it's also ok to be mad, hurt, sad, etc. She needs to understand that her dad makes his own decisions and no one, not even a judge, can make him do anything, he has to make the choice to do it. So when dad lets her down, she has to understand... as much as it may hurt or be upsetting to her, that it was dad's decision to do what ever he has done and she should try her best to not let his actions bring her down. She can and should look forward to the time she gets to spend with her dad but also understand that whether she sees him a lot or a little, the decision is his and her feelings are ok. She needs your support to know that her feelings are healthy and to help her build the strength to know she can and should share her feelings (no matter what they are) with her dad... and all other's in her life. It's very hard, I know, to watch your child hurt. I know you want nothing more than to wrap your arms around her and protect her from any pain, but we can't do that. SO the best thing you can do is arm her with the emotional health and strength to deal with this situation in the most healthy way possible. Build up her self esteem, build her strength, and help her to understand that no one can control another person, his choices are his alone and belong to no one else. My children have been dealing with their father's lack of interest in them for a long time. It wasn't until a very wonderful doctor came into our lives and taught me that they simply needed this support and validation to begin to deal with this in a healthy way that things began to change for the better. Now, my children still have pain, saddness, anger, etc but they also have more happiness because they have learned to deal with their dad in a healthy way and they've begun to tell him how they feel. This, above all things has had the greatest impact. Imagine being told by your child that you make them feel unloved through your actions... this is something my exhusband hears from my children frequently. I know, even with as sad a father as he is, this has to hurt. And the good thing is, my children no longer feel like it's their fault that he is this way. OH, and also I wouldn't tell your daughter of his visits if you can avoid it. Let his visits be a surprise,this will also help to cut down on her disapointments.

OK... enough of that... :) About the child support. You really should consider having the child support adjusted to the State level. Child support is calculated, not based upon visitation with the child but the total quality of a child's wellbeing based on two incomes. The only time child support is supposed to be 'discounted' is when the parents have shared parenting; in other words the parents have equal visitation and share equal cost in the child. The parents should both have the child in their custody for no less than 182.5 days per year for a discount on the child support. In all other cases, child support is supposed to be 100% of the state calculations. I suggest applying for a new child support order. If your order is less than 2 years old, you can't go through CSEA, you must file through the court system, BUT if it is more than 2 years old you may request a FREE modification to your child support order. All you would need to do is go to your local CSEA office, bring in your last pay statement, receipts of child care, proof of any health insurance you provide and the father's name, social, and address. They do the rest and the modification is completed within 30 days.

I know this is rough and I wish I could tell you that it becomes easier.. well it some ways it does, but in others, it doesn't because you will most likely always see your child hurting in one way or another and there is nothing you can do but help her to deal with the pain in a healthy way... Just know you're not alone in this and you can be the BEST support for your daughter... even though she may not realize it for many years. :) Take care D..

I wish I could offer some advice. I've been divorced from my 8 y.o.'s ( almost 9 ) father for almost 5 years now. The only good thing for us is that he lives across the country from us. When him and I were seperated and I still lived out there ( in Washington state ) he would do the same thing. Tell me he was going to take her for the weekend and then call at the last minute and tell me that because he didn't want to see ME he wasn't going to take her. But now he takes her every summer and every other Christmas. I think the main reason he fought for that is because his mom made him. ( I just thank God that at least his FAMILY wants to see her and be a part of her life ) My daughter spends most of her time with her grandma when she's out there. He's supposed to call her twice a week and we're lucky if he makes one call a week.

She adores him though. I used to just tell her that he loves her and he'll call/ come by when he can. My ex used to tell my daughter that I would prevent him from seeing her or talking to her. That I took her away from him and it's all my fault. She has since learned that he's not always nice when it comes to me.

I honestly think that if it weren't for the court ordered visits she would have no contact with her father. I used to cry myself to sleep when she was sad.

But I've since remarried and have another daughter. I think the stability of a man in her life along with our family has helped her. It's kind of funny now. She still misses her dad and enjoys her time with his family but she doesn't feel the need to talk to him when he calls and doesn't really think about him on a daily basis. But it did take time. The only advice I can truely offer is just to give it time.

But I would tell him to either "fish or cut bait". I told my ex I would gladly give up all child support if he would give up his parental rights. If he wants to see her he can be consistent. But whether he is consistent or not I would go back to court and up the child support. Don't let him think that he can play this game with you. She's his daughter too. He can not only see her more often but he can fork over the money to help take care of her.

D.,

Our daughters are about the same age, mine will be 7 in July. I can relate to what you're going through. My daughter's father has been consistent with not seeing her. He left when I was 5 months pregnant and then came back just before she turned 5. He has seen her 22 times in her life and not once in over a year. (I don't get financial support either)

My advice is to have a serious conversation with your daughter's dad and see if he is even able to commit to her. Ask him if he wants to be involved and let him know that right now he is not a good influence in her life. In his absence and inconsistency he is shaping her view of men which could cause problems for her as an adult. Unfortunately men are not wired like us and they often can't focus on what isn't in front of them. He probably has not taken into account what this is doing or could be doing to your daughter.

As for your daughter.... What has worked for me is to just be honest and let my daughter know that her dad just isn't capable of giving her what she needs right now. I let her know that there is nothing she did to cause his absence and that he made the decision to stay away. Most importantly is when I don't have any answers for her, I make sure to comfort her. I stop what I'm doing and listen to her. I let her know that I know she's hurting and that it's all right for her to talk to me. Sometimes all I she wants is to be held while she cries. I reinforce that no matter what she says I will not be mad or hurt (even though my heart is breaking). You will have to be consistant with your daughter and know that you will probably have to repeat your explanation and your comforting several times, but in my experience this has really helped my little girl.

I understand your situation is different from mine, because her dad is not gone completly, but maybe you can apply some of what I've said.

hi, this is C.. granted this is only my opinion. i have come from 2 broken marriages, myself. i have a 7 yr old from the second marriage. her dad is pretty great. we have remained friends, and really try to work together on things, ect.

the first was a living hell. had some dealings with what you are dealing with.

first, who's idea was it to lessen the child support because he wanted her more? IF it was his, it MIGHT have been his way of manipulating YOU into lessening the child support, with no intentions on actually fulfilling his promise to get her more.

another thing to keep in mind, with him not upholding his word to her, MIGHT cause her to develope a sense of feeling like she cannot depend on the male species, period. the kind of connection she has with her dad will mold her into how she might feel later on in life towards men. she may grow to not trust them, because of feeling betrayed so often while little. hopefully that will not happen. but i know my boys had a bad relationship with their dad for all sorts of reasons revolving around how he treated them, wasn't there for them, his love was always "conditioned", ect. because of his actions, i always found myself trying to prove to them i loved them no matter what, and would bend over backwards to prove i would always be there for them. they are all pretty much grown, and i do see things in them sometimes that make me feel what i am seeing is because of their dad. alyssa(7 yr old that has a great dad) on the other hand, seems to be growing wonderfully emotionally, ect.

sometimes when a father is like that, he is only looking out for himself, and doesn't even know how to consider a child's feelings because of the father himself, being so self-centered. hopefully you will find a solution that works. good luck to you.

C.

I know what you are going through and it is horrible that someone can do that to a child, let alone their own child. What I found that worked for me, is that I stopped telling them when he was suposed to be coming to get them, I packed their clothes while they were in bed, that way if he didnt show up they didnt know they were missing anything, what my mom used to do to my brother's dad was that when he would call to cancel she would make him tell my brother he wasnt coming that way he couldnt use her as the excuse anymore. He would get upset for a little while but she would comfort him but it did seem easier then them thinking she was the reason he didnt get to go see dad and then that he was forced to be with her all weekend when he could have been at his dad's. Plus he stopped canceling because it wasnt as easy to tell his son he wasnt coming than to just call mom really quick.

I don't think you can force him to understand what he's doing to his daughter. It's the type of person he is...Either he gets it or he doesn't, unfortunately. I really feel for you & your daughter. You made the effort to be understanding and willing to let her have a relationship with her father and he's completely disregarding those efforts.

My personal opinion is that you need to help your daughter work through her feelings about the situation. Like someone else said, let her know it's OK to be hurt/angry/disappointed. She needs to express those feelings in a healthy way. Make sure she knows it's not her fault, although this might be easier said than done. You must reinforce this every chance you get.

One thing you don't want to do is to speak badly about her dad, which I'm sure you don't do or try very hard not to. But even just one time can make things worse. She will either start to lose her trust in him or, even worse, might resent you. The father/daughter relationship is one that is so important and I think it's great you are still encouraging her to keep her faith in him. On the flip side, I think it's also important for her to understand that some people just don't make good decisions in life. You don't want to give her false hope.

There will come a time when your daughter will appreciate all you have done and will understand what it takes to be a real parent/family member.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to make it easier on either of you in the short term. All you can do is continue to be the wonderful mom you are and continue to raise your daughter the best way you know how. Good luck!

Don't even try to make him understand. I have been going through the same thing with my 8yr old daughter. I have found the best way to do it is to be flexible. If he says he wants to come and get her no matter if it is his weekend or not let him. Then when he calls to cancel put your Daughter on the phone and let him tell her and explain the why's. This has helped us tremendously. He still does not come as often as he should but she know he is the one canceling and it is not me. Just do not ever say anything bad about him to or in front of her. She will come to see the light in her own time.