How Do I Encourage the Good All the Time

First, I agree with mom2kck in that you should correct him when he says he is a "bad boy." She is right - he's not a bad boy, but just makes bad decisions sometimes like the rest of us.

My first thought is that he is tired. It's amazing how much school can wear out a five year old. If he doesn't take naps, then maybe start having some quiet time in the afternoon when he comes home. My GD took naps until her 6th birthday. She hated it, but she did fall asleep every day.

Kids need to be kids and they can't be open and spontaneous and active like that at school. They're expected to sit down and pay attention and act like little adults all day.

When they get home they need to blow off steam and let go of all the stress of the day. So please don't take that away from him.

He does need to obey the rules but understand he needs some freedom.

You know, when kids are at school they are under a lot of pressure, sitting still, paying attention, following the rules, getting along with friends, basically they are being "good" all day long, and it can be exhausting.
So I hope when he comes home you are cutting him some slack and not expecting perfect behavior 24/7.
It's perfectly normal for a five year old to sometimes be crabby, whiny and difficult. He is TIRED, he is GROWING, he is LEARNING. Home should be his soft place to fall at the end of the day. Just like when you come home from work and kick off your shoes and vent about whatever went wrong that day.
Stop focusing on trying to make him into a "good" boy and start focusing on helping him manage his feelings and behavior. Charts and jars don't really teach him anything, instead when he gets too worked up remain calm and have him go to his room to calm down. When he comes out you can talk about how he's feeling and how he can better manage his reactions next time.
It's a process mom, you're not going to create a mature, well rounded child overnight, this is something you'll be working on for years.

Not sure how to deal with this - he may need some down time/alone time as soon as he gets home.

He's holding it together ALL DAY at school and following all the rules, behaving with other kids, etc., and when he gets home, where it's safe and he's loved, he stops holding it together.

Perhaps if you ask the teacher framing it this way, she may have some ideas to help him chill/decompress.

The moms explained that your son is great all day in school, so when he gets home, he knows your unconditional love will last even if he is not at his best.

The next step us to help him identify what he is feelings and what he needs.

If he acts prickly, you can tell him, you seem a bit frustrated, I am going to give you time to have some privacy.

I know you did not get much sleep last night, would you like to lay down for a while, or read a book.

I can tell by your words, you are angry. Take a few minutes and think about why/what is making you so angry. Then let's talk about it.

You seem to have a lot of energy! We do not run in the house, how about you play outside for 20 minutes, then I will call you and you can start your homework. Do you promise to come in when I call you? Thank you.

You seem hungry. Instead of pulling out all if those snacks, would you like a sandwich or a bowl of cereal?

You are teaching him options that you would be fine with in the future. You are letting him know his feelings are ok, but there are ways to handle them.

And mom, you and dad need to model these same behaviors. If you are tired, frustrated, angry, emberased, regretfully, talk about it in front of your child. Then tell him how you are going to solve it.

When you make a mistake, poor choice, also talk about it. He is learning from you at all times.

I really hope you're not being too hard on him.
No five year old can be good all the time.
It's a lot of work for him to be so good all day at school, it's natural for him to complain, be tired or stressed when he's at home.
As his mom it's your job to help manage that, make sure he's getting enough sleep, enough to eat and time to decompress after keeping it together all day.
Some kids need to run around and burn off excess energy after school, and some need down time. What works best for your son? Do that and you will have a happier more easy going child.
Make sure your giving your son what HE needs, and don't expect him to be a model student at home, at home he should feel comfortable to express ALL of his feelings, even the negative ones.

"vulture food" and a punching bag.

Introduce a snack and a high energy get the wriggles out kind of activity that is fun, high energy, and can work out some pent up frustration. helps kids settle and be more amenable to behaving.

Best,
F. B.

It may be that it's hard to be so good all day and at home he is stressed, or needs to let it out, or whatever. Kids can also behave very differently with different people.

When he is whiny, just tell him calmly that you can't hear that kind of voice, and when he uses his big boy voice, you will be happy to talk to him. If he's squirrely, let him run around or make sure he's not hungry or tired. Sometimes I just ask DD, "Do you need a hug?" and that's all she needed after a long day. If he's in school full day, that's a long time for a little kid.

Why does he think he is "bad" at home? Repeating what you need to tell him sounds like par for the course. It might be time to look at your own responses, and your routines, and how long you really give a behavior modification time to change things before you are on to the next thing. Too many methods too often is confusing. He won't know what to expect.

Remember, "good kids" are good about 80% of the time. So if he's not always good at home, but mostly good at home, he's a good kid. Praise him for the things he does right, perhaps, vs worrying that he's not toeing the line 24/7. Read up on 5 yr olds and make sure your expectations for him are appropriate.

ETA: My DD likes a book called The Good Little Bad Little Pig. She can be sensitive to being in trouble and it helped her to see that she could have an "off" time but still be a Good Kid. If your son is seeing himself as strictly "bad" at home, then perhaps that concept will help him, too.

Make sure he is WELL rested.
K is exhausting for lots of kids, especially boys, who find it ridiculously hard to stop, sit, be still, listen ALL DAY.
Post a list of house rules in your kitchen.
Review them morning and night with your son.
Also post consequences for breaking a house rule.

Chances are, the rules at school are crystal clear and the consequences swift and consistent.
You have to let him know what is expected at home.

ETA: and now a few words from our sponsors.........

First of all, there is nothing more that I despise than young kids calling themselves bad, or parents doing that. I have always told my kids they are good, but sometimes make bad choices, and it's the choices I don't like. So I would start by correcting that...there is no such thing as a "bad boy", but rather a good boy that made a bad choice. That also puts the ball in their court...the choices they make determine the outcome.

Kids are people too, and I feel like so many of us forget that. They will have plain old bad days sometimes, it's life and it's allowed. Let him know that it's okay to have rough days.

Sometimes my kids come home and need play time, down time, snack, movie time, basketball time, etc...it depends on their day and their energy level/mood when they get home. Work with your son to find good outlets for his moods and things will change.

I know so many kids that hang on for all they are worth at school to behave and be "good"/stay on green/get a smiley face/etc..that by the time they get home to a safe place all the other stuff that they have stuffed down all day comes pouring out.

My son needs time to decompress and a snack ASAP. He always want to know what we are doing after school (some times he just needs a time to get his mind wrapped around the fact that his day is not done...he really wants it to be DONE).

So I prepare him on our walk home from the bus. First we are going to have a snack, then you can read/play for 30 minute - an hour/ (no tv during the week), then you have martial arts and homework (which order do you want to do them in, class then homework or do homework before class)...if you chose to do home work after martial arts you have to give me your word you will do it with no tears while I fix dinner. Dinner is going to be XYZ and if you do your homework with no outbursts you can pick our dessert from the following XYZ or you can have 15-30 minutes of tv (I use this as a super special treat because it goes against our no weeknight tv policy and is very effective on tough days).

I give him a heads up/warning that he is not meeting expectations and let him calm back down if he is getting worked up.

I was repeating myself so much I felt like I had turned into a parrot (and sometimes still do if I don't make sure he is actually hearing me)...he can be right there looking at me a still a world away in his head. So I ask him to repeat what I just said...and even though he is 10, I only give him two step tasks. (Go get on your pjs and brush your teeth, then come back and see me. Then I will send him to set up his room for bed, pull down the sheets, set the nightlights, and then call me for reading time).

I have found knowing what to expect and what behavior I expect for each activity clearly spelled out help both of us.

Oh, I also recommend a punching bag, it is a great safe way to get out aggression...my husband even uses it after a tough day at work. Boys used to actually fight then make up and be best of friends. Now a days any physical aggression is seen as a bad thing. So between sparring at martial arts and punching/boxing at home it really helps.

Good luck!!

If a child is loved he knows there is unconditional love at home and no matter how he behaves he is loved. That's not the case at school - he has to behave a certain way to be "loved" at school. School also has a consistent structure - and let's face it, most of us are not all that consistent with how we teach our kids.

If he comes homes, decrompresses after the school day and then gets your attention when he misbhave he gets rewarded for negative behavior. We scold our kids, spend time talking to them ,etc when they misbehave. So here's my suggestions -

1 - tell him ahead of time (the night before, then again in the morning, then again when he gets home) what your expectations are for after school and time at home. Tell him in positive ways, tell him you look forward to his good behavior, that you know he will act in good ways, and give examples of what you expect and the behavior that you don't want to see. Encourage him, tell him you are so proud of him when he behaves well at home as well as at school.

2 - When he gets home give him time to de-compress. Men need their cave time and he's a little man. See if he wants to chill in his room or relax on the living room floor, etc. Give him that time if he wants it.

3 - give positive feedback on good behavior - tousle his hair, kiss on the head, tell him how proud you are of that good thing he just did or the calm way he handled something. TEll him in terms of "I love it when you handle a difficult situation so well - I'm so proud that you're growing up into such a nice young man".

4 - Treat bad behavior very matter-of-factly, no yelling or stern-ness in yoru voice, no long talks or asking him why he does soemthing. So if he has a tantrum, pick him up, alsmot ignoring the behvior, bring him into his room and simply state "when you're ready to stop screaming (crying, whining, etc.) I'd love for you to come out and be with us.

5 - Commiserate with him - in advance - like the night before at bed time. Acknowledge that it's tough to be on best behavior all day at school and you understand that when you come home you just want to break out and let loose. But that we all can't do that becuase then everyone in the world would be fighting at the end of the day. ASk him what he thinks will help him relax after he gets home from school - then go to suggestion 1)

Realize that he's only been on the planet for 5 short years and he's still learning his social skills. He's got social training wheels on and he's trying to balance, steer and brake. It's tough to be in a classroom all day making his teacher & fellow students happy - and he knows you love him no matter what so he dumps out a day full of holding it all in! It's good that he knows he's loved at home!

He'll grow up fast and you'll wonder where these days went. I miss my boy being 5 - even though he made me crazy all those times. ;o)

When he gets home he might be exhausted and hungry. Have you tried a snack and a 30 minute quiet time when he gets home (he might not sleep, but 30 minutes in his bed reading or something like that).

Or, conversely, maybe he needs to MOVE after sitting still all day. So what about a snack, and then a planned active activity with you - riding bikes, going for a walk, going to the playground, or something else that lets gets you both moving. And, FWIW, I think the "with you" part is key. If you are having fun together, you'll both be in better moods (who needs a gym membership when you've got a kid). Make this an essential part of your daily routine.

For discipline, both positive and negative, pick a method and be absolutely consistent.

Remember he is ony 5. His school day is a long one FOR HIM.
When he gets home, give him love, some down time & a snack.
Kids at this age are generally tired from school.
Plus I work in the class & they have to be on their "good" behavior ALL
day, every second. It's hard for them to manage.
Don't do so much at home. Try one method to use. Time outs are still
effective because it takes them away from their behavior, gives them a
chance to rest & gives you a rest/break/time away from the situation.
Since you say you are proud of his behavior, tell him & show him! Every
day. Start when you pick him up from school, at night before bed, in the
morning before school, in the car on the way to the grocery store etc.
If you remember back to your work-life, when a boss gave you a compliment, you excelled even more. You would strive to be even better.
Your chest would puff up.

Same when a boss was constantly negative, could never be pleased....
you would just throw your hands up in the air & give up.

Be kind, be loving. Come from a place of love & patience. I know that's
hard sometimes when you're frustrated but the fruits of your labor will
provide more than the impatient ogre we can sometimes be when we
are so tired of always being "on".

Take beaks for yourself during the day. I take 30 mins while he's resting
to just sit for a minute & watch the news or a short tv show.

He's not bad. He's learning. Need to cut him a little slack, he's 5 not 15.
He'll get better & better, Each age has it's adjustments. Roll w/them not
against them. Will get better results, happier kids, too.

What you see as whiny, is a tired child wanting his mommy sometimes.
What you see as defiant, is a child trying to assert tiny bits of independence while navigating this new world.
What you see as easily frustrated is the learning curve AND possibly
tiredness.

He will know you "love him regardlesss if you SHOW him"....every day.

Be patient, streamline your rules to a short list to follow, ease up a little,
guide in loving ways.

Let him decompress when he comes home.

Stop trying everything you can think of at home and stick with 1 form of correction. Set up expectations by sitting down and letting him know that now that he's in school he's a big boy and needs to act like a big boy. Use time outs every single time and be consistent. If you repeat yourself 5 times to get him to do something stop right now. Say it once and when he doesn't respond get down at his level, make eye contact and say, 'sweetie I asked you to do X. Stop what you are doing and do what I've asked.' If he doesn't then its time out for 5 minutes. Its exhausting and time consuming to have to stop and get their attention but really so is repeating yourself and putting up with unacceptable behavior.

I lost my entire post just now, so if it shows up again, please forgive me.

I want to acknowledge that you have spent tremendous energy and thoughtfulness in trying to manage the behavior of your son for years. In previous posts it is stated that this is not new behavior.

I recommend that you ask your pediatrician for a recommendation for a child therapist or psychologist and that you and your husband meet with this person to form a team to help your child. I know you love him, and if that were enough, he'd be behaving more appropriately and feeling better about himself. But sometimes a professional can be very helpful. I sincerely believe this is one of those times. No child should see himself as a bad boy. All my best to you and your son.

Kids don't regard firm discipline for bad behavior as "You don't love me". So take that off the worry menu. Yo don't need to be concerned as to "how do I send the message I love him regardless but..". You love him 24/7. But he needs discipline for bad behavior.

My kids have always been taught that OF COURSE I love them, and on a separate note, they are also not allowed to act like little tyrants, and there will be consequences for doing so. Because I love them. And I know they're good people. And good people are respectful and kind.

I also never went very heavy on rewards. I never did charts, though they think those are fun at school. The right way to act is the right way to act. So sure, we can do little incentives like frozen yogurt on Fridays where behavior was awesome all week. Or maybe even if behavior wasn't awesome. Just because sometimes we get treats.

But I never did the meticulous rewards step by step for positive behavior. I don't pay kids to be good. Life is a big fun reward unless you act badly. And my kids are super good, super happy, and super confident.

So be firm when you need to be and don't feel bad. The more effective your discipline is (and it WILL always be a necessary part of life) the less you'll need it, and the more good behavior will naturally beget praise and happiness.

I would remove all the not-so-tough "consequences" (time-outs, counting, calm down jars). They are wasting your time, causing you to nag, and enabling him to continue the behavior despite the fanfare. Also, no need to "talk about" the bad behavior much. Harping and nagging: Not effective. Boys especially need concise, clear warnings, and immediate consequences without the mommy guilt trips and chatter. Sounds like he needs a boot camp of firmer consequences for bad behavior until it clicks.

He'll get it just fine if his behavior at school is great. I have a stubborn, spirited middle child, and he can push me. The less I tolerate, the less he pushes. He prefers our happy, humorous lives to the firm consequences he would receive for disrespect, whining, fits, and defiance. Don't let those be an option. Warning. Effective follow through. Every time.

Also, my son has gotten the best behavior award at school numerous times and his teacher always raves. But at home, I have to run a pretty tight ship to keep him form pushing things. That's normal. You just have to be effective.